New here but I'm sure my story isn't...

[pishtosh]

Hi, new here but have been lurking for a while and it's been a big help for me knowing there's a place I can talk about my situation. I know what I have to do but historically my knowing what needs to be done and my actually doing it happen pretty far apart. Reading the forum this last while has really helped me see things clearly, forced me to look at things from different perspectives and I'd like to thank all of you for that.

 

My story's probably familiar so I'll make it fairly short and very vague. I met the MM early 2013 when I was out with friends and found out he was M after we'd been out a few times, I didn't end things between us. Not proud of this at all, I know perfectly well that I have put myself in this position and I take full responsibility for my part in this.

 

After a few months I told him to stop talking about leaving his family for me, having children with me, etc when we both knew it wasn't something he was prepared to do, that it reminded me of my position on the priority list and wasn't fair to me. If it was never going to happen, that kind of talk is a massive turnoff for me. His W and kids are not on the list of people I want to be thinking about during intimate moments.

 

At this point, the W is getting suspicious, MM has been at my place almost every single night and has stayed overnight maybe 1-2 times a months, sometimes without even calling home to let them know he was ok, these weren't planned sleepovers. He denied anything was going on, she either believed him or decided not to pursue it. This is the point where I should mention this is likely a revenge affair (learned about that here I think), she had an A for a few years and was discovered, granted he is the one who told me that, but it's one of the few things I still think is true at this point.

 

Then one of those things you wonder about, how would I know if something horrible happened, actually happened. There was an emergency and he had her call me and tell me what happened so I wouldn't worry when I didn't hear from him for a while. At first I thought it was nice that he made sure I knew what was happening but now I just think who does that? Within a week dday happened, we were texting and she went through his phone. Within an hour, he was making arrangements to see me that night.

 

Due to the emergency there's been very limited communication, maybe a couple emails a week with visits every week or two. At first I was a mess, between dday and not being able to see him every day I was crying, throwing up and couldn't sleep. After a few months, I've gotten to the point where I can look at things differently, the emotional bond seems to be fading. I still care, but now that the logical side of my brain has kicked in again, I know it's just a matter of time before I end this. I can't do this to myself anymore, and I'm seeing him for what he truly is, a bit of a selfish jerk. Give it some time and I'll have an even harsher description of him.

 

We'll be able to communicate regularly again in another month, I'd like to say I'll be over this by then and end things by that time, but I'm sure it will take another few months of back and forth for me to do it. But I know I have to, this isn't want I want for my life. I'm so glad that I was forced to break from him for a while, I think it happened at the right time for me. I've realized that this can only get more toxic and harmful for me the longer I allow myself to continue.

[pishtosh]

I know this is going to be hard to do and I should just get it over with, I'm getting there. Today I realized that I'm glad he didn't leave for me, I don't want that anymore, I'd rather live by myself than have to put up with him all the time. I don't think I like him as a person anymore but for some strange reason I still care about him. I'm going to have to ponder that.

 

I'll keep reading other peoples stories and advice, learn whatever lessons I can so that when I end it, I'll know what kinds of things to expect. Won't make it any easier, but it helps to know you're feelings are normal.

 

Thank you both for giving me some things to think about.

[C00kie]

I still care, but now that the logical side of my brain has kicked in again, I know it's just a matter of time before I end this. I can't do this to myself anymore, and I'm seeing him for what he truly is, a bit of a selfish jerk. Give it some time and I'll have an even harsher description of him.

 

We'll be able to communicate regularly again in another month, I'd like to say I'll be over this by then and end things by that time, but I'm sure it will take another few months of back and forth for me to do it. But I know I have to, this isn't want I want for my life. I'm so glad that I was forced to break from him for a while, I think it happened at the right time for me. I've realized that this can only get more toxic and harmful for me the longer I allow myself to continue.

 

This is exactly how I feel. It hurts so bad and I know it will hurt even more before I eventually heal.

I'm not a saint, but I would never do this to anyone...how can you tell a woman you love her, that you'll never ever leave her, talk marriage and kids and, simultaneously, keep telling your wife you love her, how can you lie someone in the face every single day, would you do that if you were a really good person inside? Because I do want to believe he's a good person deep down, I always have, even if he had trouble and fears and confusion.

Now I'm not so sure anymore. It's just selfish...it's just so cruel.

[fanine]

This is exactly how I feel. It hurts so bad and I know it will hurt even more before I eventually heal.

I'm not a saint, but I would never do this to anyone...how can you tell a woman you love her, that you'll never ever leave her, talk marriage and kids and, simultaneously, keep telling your wife you love her, how can you lie someone in the face every single day, would you do that if you were a really good person inside? Because I do want to believe he's a good person deep down, I always have, even if he had trouble and fears and confusion.

Now I'm not so sure anymore. It's just selfish...it's just so cruel.

 

I think many of these guys live in cloud cuckoo land. It is a fantasy world and at the time they say it, they believe the things they say....but they never actually think of the reality of it all. They live by the minute and frankly are just very, very selfish....

[C00kie]

I think many of these guys live in cloud cuckoo land. It is a fantasy world and at the time they say it, they believe the things they say....but they never actually think of the reality of it all. They live by the minute and frankly are just very, very selfish....

 

I think so too. Frankly, besides the fact that I got involved with a MM I don't think I'm stupid or naive at all and I've always thought to myself that he seemed so truthful and pure. You put it perfectly - they believe what they say, but they lack perception of reality and, therefore, are very selfish - their needs will always come first. I don't think he realises what he's done to be over the time. At all.

[fanine]

I think so too. Frankly, besides the fact that I got involved with a MM I don't think I'm stupid or naive at all and I've always thought to myself that he seemed so truthful and pure. You put it perfectly - they believe what they say, but they lack perception of reality and, therefore, are very selfish - their needs will always come first. I don't think he realises what he's done to be over the time. At all.

 

Mine used to try and rationalise with me. Said we should be happy with what we had. So I give up a chance to have a family and kids, to share a home with someone, to have a real relationship, to be content with scraps, last minute meetings, creeping around...ignored phone calls, be at his beck and call, but ignored when he didn't feel like making contact, be an emotional shoulder for him to cry on when he felt depressed. I should feel LUCKY to be with him. Why on earth would I want to give that up?

 

Well you know what, when I looked at it, I was, well what do I get out of it? Sex and his company once or twice a week. Never there when I needed some support.....lies, how many I will never really know. That is not exactly a happy life.

 

I made a mistake and will not do it again.