Just a joke? Or red flag?

[Ellemeff]

I've been in a semi-serious relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're both in our mid 20s and while we're not rushing towards the alter, we seem to be committed to making things work. Recently I came across a text from my BF to his friend that has been haunting me ever since. So I'm looking for some perspective. Basically my BF will be traveling out of the country for 2 weeks to a tropical destination to visit this friend. There, he will get drunk and party, like typical 20 year old guys do. The problem here is that the text said something along the lines of, "start talking me up to all the bitches, I'll be expecting multiple blow jobs..." When I confronted him about this he apologized and said that this was just the way him and his guy friends communicate. That he wasn't serious and his guy friends frequently say stuff like that but don't really mean it.

 

He has never given me a reason not to trust him and in two years this is the first time I've felt this way. I don't know if I'm overreacting to a dumb comment said amongst immature boys. Or if "where there's smoke, there's fire" I would hate to end this seemingly very healthy and promising relationship on a unjustified insecurity. Looking for a guys perspective. Thanks.

[jennifersmith]

if he's going to some tropical island like Thailand for example... you should be worry....

[Ellemeff]

No, not Thailand. Somewhere in the Caribbean where his friend already lives.

 

I feel like this should be a black and white issue, but the fact that I've never felt that he was cheating on me, or would, before really complicated things.

[white]

It's a joke. Dumbass friends **** talking. Forget about it.

[eddyctv]

My girlfriend went away last week, and I told my friend, and he replied in a text "cool...coke and hookers!"

 

It's just a joke. Don't sweat it.

[Treasa]

Meh. For now, just reply, "While you're gone, I'm gonna be slutting it up, so it's all good." And then smile brightly.

[ssmugg]

I'd classify it as nothing.

 

However, when I make comments like that, it offends my GF and she doesn't like it. So, I've learned not to make such comments any more.

 

I do like to joke and kid around a bit, but some women interpret things wrong. I'd not worry about it.

[ssmugg]

You said the relationship is "semi-serious."

 

That phrase suggests the level of commitment is questionable on both your parts.

 

If it's a semi-serious relationship that's basically the same as not serious at all.

 

If you want this to be a serious relationship maybe it's time to have "the talk" with him.

 

NYCCat,

 

I might disagree. Semi-serious is just that, perhaps a point where more time is needed. I'm probably in the same position with my GF, even though we've known each other for a long time, the intimacy is measured in months, not years, and needs time to mature. Even though we both feel that it's a serious relationship.

 

A good talk is appropriate for all relationships to keep them on the right track.

[mammasita]

It could be nothing, it could mean more than he claims.

 

In either case, I don't think its worth throwing your relationship away over....right now. Guys say dumb **** and joke around - we all do (guys more so LOL). Just be more aware.

[Ellemeff]

To clarify, what I mean by semi-serious is that the topic of marriage hasn't come up. But maybe we are serious - we spend time with each others families (not on holidays) and its understood that were monogamous.

 

The friend he made the comment to lives there, has a group of established friends, that's one reason why the comment about "start talking me up" really bothered me. This friend has also made comments that the girls there jump all over guys and has cheated on his gf himself.

[2sunny]

NYCCat,

 

I might disagree. Semi-serious is just that, perhaps a point where more time is needed. I'm probably in the same position with my GF, even though we've known each other for a long time, the intimacy is measured in months, not years, and needs time to mature. Even though we both feel that it's a serious relationship.

 

A good talk is appropriate for all relationships to keep them on the right track.

 

I thought you were married and have an OW?

 

 

OP - yes, it's a big red flag.

 

It's waving around - pay attention - he intends to cheat.

[Ellemeff]

Thanks- I agree with you. The integrity of our relationship was/is damaged. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't overreacting to some guy humor that I will never understand.

[will1988]

I will sometimes joke like that with friends and my fiance. Like whenever she says "What did you do today" I will say "did coke off a hookers ass" or something like that... she knows I am joking. She can dish it out too... when I complain about how many damned one dollars she has (she is a hair stilest) she will say "a lot of people made it rain today while I worked the pole" or something a long those lines. I would not sweat it too much.

[CarrieT]

He was half-serious. Meaning = if his friend DID happen to have some "bitches" (more on that later), available, I would bet even money that your boyfriend were certainly avail himself of the possibility of getting a blowjob or more.

 

Then there is the "bitches" comment. That one right there irked the hell outta me. It is so disrespectful towards women in general as to be another red flag!

 

Are you seriously considering a long-term relationship with a man who looks upon women as "bitches" who are there to service him? How do you feel about raising children with a guy who believes and acts this way? Sure, he can laugh it off as the way "guys communicate with each other," but I think it is VERY telling about his personality, ethics, and core being that he thinks so lowly of the female gender.

 

I would dump him based on that alone.

[Treasa]

He was half-serious. Meaning = if his friend DID happen to have some "bitches" (more on that later), available, I would bet even money that your boyfriend were certainly avail himself of the possibility of getting a blowjob or more.

 

Then there is the "bitches" comment. That one right there irked the hell outta me. It is so disrespectful towards women in general as to be another red flag!

 

Are you seriously considering a long-term relationship with a man who looks upon women as "bitches" who are there to service him? How do you feel about raising children with a guy who believes and acts this way? Sure, he can laugh it off as the way "guys communicate with each other," but I think it is VERY telling about his personality, ethics, and core being that he thinks so lowly of the female gender.

 

I would dump him based on that alone.

 

I somehow missed that part. Um, yeah, he'd probably be gone. He can talk however he wants, but I don't need to date him.

[ssmugg]

"Semi-serious" is a meaningless weasel-word phrase. Either the relationship is "serious" or it isn't. "Semi-serious" means both parties are keeping their options open and are not truly committed. That's what concerns OP about the "joke." "Semi-serious" means "I won't mess around with other people, until I do." OP knows this because she's keeping her options open too.

 

If she wants it to be "serious" and not "semi-serious" she needs to make that decision and have the talk with her bf BEFORE the vacation since by all odds, joke or not, it's likely that if an opportunity to cheat arises, there's a good chance he'll take it. That's what "semi serious" means.

 

NYCCat,

 

Ok, what shall we call it?

 

There will be a time in a relationship that is headed toward serious, but is not there yet. Sure, the possibility is there and perhaps a strong feeling on both parts that wants to make it into a long term relationship. But it needs time to mature, to get to know one better, to learn about the other.

 

Doesn't mean there isn't a serious intent, and certainly can be a commitment to date only each other and not mess around, but not ready to make a long term commitment, get engaged or even worse, married.

 

So what shall we call it? Semi serious... wanna be serious.... going steady.... getting close...

[Keenly]

In checking the "guy speak" it was a joke box.

[Space Ritual]

I've been in a semi-serious relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're both in our mid 20s and while we're not rushing towards the alter, we seem to be committed to making things work. Recently I came across a text from my BF to his friend that has been haunting me ever since. So I'm looking for some perspective. Basically my BF will be traveling out of the country for 2 weeks to a tropical destination to visit this friend. There, he will get drunk and party, like typical 20 year old guys do. The problem here is that the text said something along the lines of, "start talking me up to all the bitches, I'll be expecting multiple blow jobs..." When I confronted him about this he apologized and said that this was just the way him and his guy friends communicate. That he wasn't serious and his guy friends frequently say stuff like that but don't really mean it.

 

He has never given me a reason not to trust him and in two years this is the first time I've felt this way. I don't know if I'm overreacting to a dumb comment said amongst immature boys. Or if "where there's smoke, there's fire" I would hate to end this seemingly very healthy and promising relationship on a unjustified insecurity. Looking for a guys perspective. Thanks.

 

 

20 year old guys in a Resort location in the Caribbean drinking with all sorts of good looking "bitches" from all over the world....The old 'That's how we communicate" is as fresh as a Foghat Concert.

 

Young lady, the only thing he is sorry for is getting busted by you over that text.

 

You mentioned that your relationship is "semi serious"? In that case, only expect him to semi regret getting BJ's at one of those bacteria frap resorts. and by all means when he returns don't have sex with him until he gets an STD test...

 

There is no red flag here...there is a Red Hindenburg crashing on your Lakehurst...

[glue808]

OK- so he's never given you any feeling that he would cheat? You've always felt like you can 100% trust him? He said only one wrong thing to you while on vacation with his buddies, then he apologizes, and now you're looking into it and feel weary about your entire 2 year-relationship? Is that right?

 

Based off of what you've said, seems like it's getting blown out of proportion on your end.

[Ellemeff]

Glue, I think you read what I said incorrectly. He sent a message I was never suppose to see joking about hooking up with other girls.

 

You're right though, I've never had any doubts about trusting him before. But I'm just not sure that his "joke" was truly a joke, or if there is some truth to it. Who knows what other kind of insensitive comments he makes behind my back, this is just one I happened to see.

[glue808]

Glue, I think you read what I said incorrectly. He sent a message I was never suppose to see joking about hooking up with other girls.

 

You're right though, I've never had any doubts about trusting him before. But I'm just not sure that his "joke" was truly a joke, or if there is some truth to it. Who knows what other kind of insensitive comments he makes behind my back, this is just one I happened to see.

 

Ah I see; I misread. And I agree with NYCCat... something made you look... a feeling... a suspicion. He was gone, you worried about what he did with his shady friend who has cheated before may be the reason? Or have you felt like that before?

 

So sorry if you are repeating yourself, but when you looked through his phone and confronted him, he just said sorry and it was a joke. How long ago was this that the confrontation happened? How did you feel about it right away after he gave an explanation? Did you believe him?

[Ellemeff]

Good question- Wasn't snooping actually. He was actually sitting right next to me and I was using his phone when his friends response to that text he sent popped up. Didn't go digging through his messages, was just a coincidence. BTW, his friends response to his "joke" was something along the lines of, "well that won't be hard here."

 

the one and only time I snooped, was just reading an email he had sent to a girl on his left open laptop and it was very professional. Since then I had no desire to snoop again. And to this day I still haven't, too scared of what I'll find now.

[CarrieT]

Ellemeff, you didn't answer my question...

 

What do you think is the core, moral character of your boyfriend that he refers to women as "bitches?"

 

Is this someone you could spend the rest of your life with?

[Ellemeff]

Since he was sitting right next me all I did was simply show him the message I had just seen. I didn't go through the whole conversation, since I wasn't snooping, so that was the only part of the convo I got to look at.

 

He seemed genuinely embarrassed that I had seen it. And just gave me the whole "this is how we guys communicate." This was 2 months ago. Now that the initial emotions/shock have worn off, I'm wondering am I stupid to believe it was a joke and nothing more. His trip is upcoming and the stress of this upcoming vacation is becoming too much to bear.

[Ellemeff]

Ellemeff, you didn't answer my question...

 

What do you think is the core, moral character of your boyfriend that he refers to women as "bitches?"

 

Is this someone you could spend the rest of your life with?

Carrie, i'm sorry I didn't see your question. As someone with high morals and standards, I hate the fact that he thinks of women as pleasure tools to use at his disposal. But at the same time, don't most 25 year old guys see women this way? Don't most men at least joke about women in the same capacity?