gingerjar Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Hi, I'm new here and hoping to get some outside perspective on my relationship with my husband. We've been together almost 20 years (married for 10) and have 2 young kids. He is my best friend in the world, has a great job that supports our entire household financially (I have been a SAHM since my son was born 6 years ago) and always tries to be supportive, but he lacks emotional intelligence on a good day (very much an engineering-type). The problem is that once or twice a month, for as long as I can remember (since 16 years ago when we moved in together initially), he lets me know he's grabbing a drink with a colleague (always around 5pm he does this) and then he doesn't come home until after midnight. I know with 100% certainty that he is not cheating, but I always get worried when he isn't home if he's said he's having dinner or one drink or whatever and then midnight rolls around. I can't sleep till I know he's OK. And I've tried to explain to him every way I know how, time and again, that sending me a simple text that "I'll be late" is all it would take to let me know he cares and has respect for my feelings (and I mean this -- I trust that he's not out skirting around). One of the last times this happened, I told him we were on a break and we took 4-5 days to get back to anything like normal bc I feel this is a serious trust issue and one of his regard/respect for my feelings. Also, I worry longer term that my kids will come to think it's OK to stay out till the wee hours without letting me know bc Daddy does it all the time. What am I missing here? Either he doesn't care or just turns into a child the moment he has a drink, and either way I'm stuck wondering where the h-ll he is for hours on end. And either way I'm stuck with all the housework (I grant you I'm a SAHM right now, but our kids have special needs so require a huge amount of additional time each day, and I usually have at most 30-45 minutes a day of quiet to myself and otherwise work my fingers to the bone from dawn till 10pm and then am so exhausted I collapse -- he certainly has far less to do in a day and does very little childcaretaking the entire day and gets breaks). I've told him that we are separating over this, and I'm working on finding a financial way to make that actually possible. And my heart is breaking, but I'm tired of always being the one who has to sit back and be responsible while he completely disregards my feelings. Any words of advice? Am I being unrealistic here? Link to post Share on other sites
PutARingOnIt Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 It takes 7 hours for your husband to have a drink? Something's not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gingerjar Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 For what it's worth, we live in a locale where it is customary -- at times at least -- to spend several hours talking and drinking. The one thing I know for a fact is that he's not cheating. He has integrity in everything he does except this, and I'm not saying this to defend him. He's a good guy except around alcohol. He's a good father (except when he doesn't bother to come home, which is a big exception, I grant you), and otherwise he works hard, pays the bills, tries to be supportive of me as best he can (like I said, he lacks emotional intelligence, but if I'm pretty straightforward about what I need, he tries to help but doesn't actually always end up helping). It is his many finer qualities that have kept me hanging in all this time. I don't even mind if he goes out with his friends now and then and does this. I just want to know he'll be home late! But now I'm so burned out from my own day's work at home (and will be working again soon while still having the kids the rest of the day -- my job will be secondary to his initially) and I'm just ... tired. Something about having kids and being so stressed out has made me sick and tired of this and unwilling to give on this anymore because I just don't think it's so hard to send a text BEFORE he has a drink. It's not like I'm asking him to account for every minute. I do really trust him because he just isn't that kind of guy. He's now told me he will stop drinking entirely and wants to preserve our family. Wait and see ... Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 It is bull**** that he doesn't care for your kids, and thinks he is some single dude out for drinks and bs with the guys. I can see maybe once a week, or even less often. But if this is a daily thing, I would be tempted to change the locks and put his **** out on the lawn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Next time he tells you he's going out, offer to drop the kids at a sitter and meet him there. His reaction should tell you what you need to know. Cheers! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 You didn't post his reply to you or what brought this to an escalation? Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Next time he tells you he's going out, offer to drop the kids at a sitter and meet him there. His reaction should tell you what you need to know. Cheers! I love this idea. OP, your husband is being inconsiderate and immature. It doesn't take hours to have a drink. Spouses have the right to be informed if their partners are going to be late; just common courtesy. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Wow. How dare he want to go out after work once or twice a month? Seriously, since everyone on this forum lives in a closet from 5PM to 7AM, why don't we expect everyone else to? I think it's awful that this guy has been doing this for 16 years, his wife has complete trust in him not cheating, and people here want to try to convince her he's cheating. You are some bitter people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 set up some girl time and have him watch the kids once a month or so. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I'm a little confused, OP, since in your first post you say: The problem is that once or twice a month, for as long as I can remember (since 16 years ago when we moved in together initially), he lets me know he's grabbing a drink with a colleague (always around 5pm he does this) and then he doesn't come home until after midnight. You then say: sending me a simple text that "I'll be late" is all it would take to let me know he cares and has respect for my feelings But, since this happens virtually EVERY time he goes out, which you said he DOES let you know about, why can't the initial convo also be him, basically, telling you he's going to be late? I don't think it's that at all, really. I think you resent him hanging out with friends a couple of times a month while you are SAHM mom to some special-needs kids. What time do YOU get in a month? If this is your hill to die on, fine. It sort of sounds a bit crazy to me, though. ESPECIALLY given your family situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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