newly seperated

[techgruv]

Hi guys, new to site and new to this whole seperation thing.

My wife of 4 years wants to leave we've been together total for 10 years Im 29 and she is 26.

We met in High School. Before we where married we departed our ways for about a year and in the time i made the mistake and got a girl pregent. About 3 months before the baby was due, My current wife and I got back together and married. she thinks of the child as her own and he calls her mom, Ive also had a drinking problem during this time but as of now havent had a drink in 2 years.We now have a 1.5 year old daughter too. And...my wife is a second year MEd student the first year was really stressfull for me and I had developed anxaiety attacks daily and depression as well I was put on medication but that seem to make it worse. So I went to the DR and he had said that my tyroid was a little hyper but didnt give meds. put me on zoloft. But all this time I was hiding the fact that I was dpressed. And told my wife I was on meds for hypertyroidism when I wasnt.I told her this only because I was ashamed of my depression and denied it.so i lied to her and she found out and with all the other crap i guess she had enough i dont know what to do? She says she wants to be married to medicine but weve have to much time invested to let it go like this I need help on what to do? she wont go to counceling either HELPHELP!!!!!!!

[Moose]

She wants to be married to medicine? It sounds to me that she's being selfish with what she wants in life. To abandon a marriage just because she want to be married to a Dr.? That's just nutts!

 

Frankly, your wife is supossed to be there for you and help you through these anxiety attacks. She doesn't sound like she's been supporting you in anything, otherwise you wouldn't be so depressed. Also, she needs to realize, and you can tell her this, that since she's in school, and I assume that you're the only bread winner, that you can win full custody of your 1.5 year old. Does she not realize the damage she can do to her own child?

 

She needs to get her priorities straight. Her family needs to come first, not her desire to marry medicine...she's already married to you! Suck it up and stand your ground. I know it's hard for someone suffering depression to do this, but for the sake of your children, face up to your wife.

 

Tell her if she's not interested in saving your marriage, then she needs to pack her bags and take all of her belongings, ( Except the children ), and get out of your house. If after she lives on her own she finds out what a mistake this is, then she can come back. Otherwise, you're not going to accept someone who doesn't know 100% that she's ready to spend the rest of her life with you.

 

If she can't move out and support herself, you need to tell her tough s***!! Get out, and come back when you're ready to give this 100%.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Moose

She wants to be married to medicine? It sounds to me that she's being selfish with what she wants in life. To abandon a marriage just because she want to be married to a Dr.? That's just nutts!

 

I believe he means that she wishes to be "married to her career." He stated that she's a pre-med student, a very demanding course of study.

[Moose]

Originally posted by Scott S

I believe he means that she wishes to be "married to her career." He stated that she's a pre-med student, a very demanding course of study.

 

I don't see a difference, it's still a matter of priorities and it's obvious her career, or marrying a Doctor is not in the best intrests of her children. Agreed?

[Ladyjane14]

When a woman's 'energy ship' is sinking, she's going to start throwing 'ballast' over the side. It looks like your wife is overwhelmed with all the demands on her time and attention at this crucial time in her studies.

 

I think it's pretty clear that she is intent on pursuing her dream of becoming a doctor, and I think it's a noble calling for those who are called to it. I don't think that it is selfish of her to want to realize her goals.

 

If her relationship with you is a 'high-maintenace' one which consumes alot of her energy, she may sacrifice it as so much 'ballast'.

 

If you want to continue on with the marriage, I think it will be incumbant upon you to support her goal 100%, even though you may not feel that you are her number one priority right now. That's difficult, I know.

 

The best situation is the one in which we make our partners the first priority in our lives. But I don't think we can expect for the 'best' scenario to ALWAYS be in play during the entire life of the relationship. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for one another.

 

It puts me in mind of the old "Footprints of God' poem. Sometimes we need someone to carry us. You might have to carry her for a while in the hope that she'll still be with you later when you might need to be carried.

 

Consider starting counseling without her for now. Getting the process started will make it easier for her to join in later. Make sure you get your depression treated. That in itself will help to defuse the situation.

 

Try dealing with her from a vantage-point of understanding and reassurance that you DO want to support her in every way. Put the 'little fires' in your homelife out, rather than pouring gasoline on them. She needs to view you as her safe haven.

 

Good luck!

[TempSane]

Maybe she has another man or wants to be with a student from school?

 

Just a thought. Kinda hard for me to imagine that a student with kids wants to leave when she is not making any money.

[rble618740]

It sounds like your wife has been supportive of you (accepting a child that's not hers, putting up with your alcoholism). This leads me to believe that she is not, by nature, a selfish person and that she is devoted to you. You said that you began having anxiety attacks and experiencing depression when she started medical school. This leads me to believe that you have dependency issues with her having another focus in her life. Maybe she's leaving because you're so dependent on her that she believes she can't have you and become a doctor at the same time. As an attorney, I understand (to some extent) the demands of post-graduate schooling. I'm a hundred percent behind Moose in his opinions about sticking with a marriage, but I'm wondering if you and your wife could work things out if she began to feel like you were independent enough that she can have other components to her life. I'm not trying to blast you, I'm just trying to give you an honest opinion from the standpoint of a professional woman and extremely devoted, god-fearing wife.

[Devildog]

Depression needs more than just medicine. The medicine will help you deal with some of the feelings, but you also need counseling if you are going to get any better.

 

You have a 4 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. Two young kids, and a wife who has to devote alot of time to studying. You are probably feeling very overwhelmed. Your wife is too. Most people don't go into med school just for something to do. This has probably been a dream and a goal for her for many years. If you can't understand that then you will most likely be tossed over the side.

 

Do you have any relatives or someone who could watch the kids for a few days? It sounds like you could use a break from things for awhile. Go get away from everything for a little while. Make sure you talk to your wife and let her know this isn't because you are unhappy, you just need to get a few days in for yourself.

 

Oh yeah, and she is probably hurt that you were not honest with her about your depression. It isn't something you should be embarrased about. You are not a mental defect or anything because of it. I suffer from depression as well, and it has caused alot of problems in my marriage, because I wasn't aware of it and it pushed my marriage to the brink of divorce. I am just now realizing how much damage it has done in the last 1 1/2 years I have had the problem. But getting treatment beyond just medicine is helping to ease us back from the edge of divorce. (or atleast I hope it is).