C00kie Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I'm sure I've read a post like this, but it was some time ago and I can't seem to find it, so sorry for posing que question again: When I finally get over my MM (whenever that may be - we're still together but more distant and I'm focusing on myself right now), and eventually have a new, healthy relationship, do you think I should tell the boyfriend about my past situation with MM? Is it a natural thing to say that comes with trust? Should he know me inside out? Or is it a part of my past that I should keep to myself?, not as a secret but because it's past and will be better not to talk about it? I know, I'm not in this stage yet, but I was just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
sadwithouthim Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I probably wouldn't go into detail about it, but I wouldn't want to hide it either. I'd mention it as something that I shouldn't have done, but grew as a person from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I was totally open. It was a significant relationship to me, so therefore I would never keep it a secret if I was serious about someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlissfullyWhich Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 my advice to you is not to volunteer information about your A. your past is your past. however, if asked a direct question such as, "have you ever had an A or been involved with a MM?" I would answer honestly. honesty in relationships builds trust, and frees you from carrying baggage that can weigh down your new relationship, or preventing it from developing into something healthy. this is why A's usually break apart. the lies eventually catch up with everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sadwithouthim Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 my advice to you is not to volunteer information about your A. your past is your past. however, if asked a direct question such as, "have you ever had an A or been involved with a MM?" I would answer honestly. honesty in relationships builds trust, and frees you from carrying baggage that can weigh down your new relationship, or preventing it from developing into something healthy. this is why A's usually break apart. the lies eventually catch up with everyone. Personally, I never lied to my OM. The only thing I would say could have been a lie was the whole fantasy world we went to. That's not what a real relationship is, with everyday life and issues. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I was totally open. It was a significant relationship to me, so therefore I would never keep it a secret if I was serious about someone. Agree. I have always been truthful about it when we discuss our past and it's never been a problem for me, as they realize I grew and it isn't something I was proud of or saw nothing amiss with and would do again on a whim. I don't get when people say their past is their past...ahhh...people's past tells A LOT about them, hello, that's why they're such things as background checks. It's not for you to be condemned for, but I learn a lot about partners by knowing their history, as they weren't born the moment I met them. If I felt I had to lie or downplay any aspect of my past with a man I'm dating, I would never become serious with him. Just like I can tell my bestfriend ANYTHING and know she will accept me, even if disappointed, I need to feel my guy is the same way, esp if it is my past we're dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
BlissfullyWhich Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Personally, I never lied to my OM. The only thing I would say could have been a lie was the whole fantasy world we went to. That's not what a real relationship is, with everyday life and issues. if you're in an A, someone is lying. and eventually it catches up with the person, and causes all sorts of collateral damage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlissfullyWhich Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I don't get when people say their past is their past...ahhh...people's past tells A LOT about them, hello, that's why they're such things as background checks. It's not for you to be condemned for, but I learn a lot about partners by knowing their history, as they weren't born the moment I met them. there is a lot in life i don't get, but i certainly respect people's right to do what they feel is in their best interests. thankfully we're all unique different. it's great that you feel the need to let everyone know everything about you, solicited or not. but not everyone is an open book and not everyone wants to know every detail of a person's life (nor should people feel compelled to give it). i think it's possible you're quite optimistic about not being condemned for your past. we're constantly condemned for our pasts- background checks tell you about someone's past, and the same background check is used to condemn people (denying people jobs, credit, etc.), without regard for the fact people may have changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sadwithouthim Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 there is a lot in life i don't get, but i certainly respect people's right to do what they feel is in their best interests. thankfully we're all unique different. it's great that you feel the need to let everyone know everything about you, solicited or not. but not everyone is an open book and not everyone wants to know every detail of a person's life (nor should people feel compelled to give it). i think it's possible you're quite optimistic about not being condemned for your past. we're constantly condemned for our pasts- background checks tell you about someone's past, and the same background check is used to condemn people (denying people jobs, credit, etc.), without regard for the fact people may have changed. These are just different personality traits. My OM was a very personal person, until I encouraged him to open up. That was probably how we got attached so quickly though. I've always been an open book. Neither is right or wrong, just different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlissfullyWhich Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 These are just different personality traits. My OM was a very personal person, until I encouraged him to open up. That was probably how we got attached so quickly though. I've always been an open book. Neither is right or wrong, just different. I agree. Personally, I try to respect differences in people I deal with. There are levels of comfort, compromise and sacrifice we make for those who we care about and who are close to us. Each of these relationships are different and may need to be treated as such. I may be an open book with one person, but not so open about as many things with another. I don't think it detracts from how much I care about that person. That's just my take. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I would have to. I believe in being 100% open and honest with whomever I am in a relationship with. A 1+ year (at this point) relationship with someone that I love is not something that I feel I should sweep under the rug, even if it's not a choice that I'm proud of. I would probably want to get it out of the way and in the open pretty quick before we got attached to each other, too, in case it was a deal breaker for him. (This is all hypothetical at this point, of course.) Everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others. We (hopefully) learn, grow from it and do better in the future. If they hold that against you, they may not be the right one for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 7, 2013 Author Share Posted August 7, 2013 If they hold that against you, they may not be the right one for you. I think so too. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 (edited) I'm sure I've read a post like this, but it was some time ago and I can't seem to find it, so sorry for posing que question again: When I finally get over my MM (whenever that may be - we're still together but more distant and I'm focusing on myself right now), and eventually have a new, healthy relationship, do you think I should tell the boyfriend about my past situation with MM? Is it a natural thing to say that comes with trust? Should he know me inside out? Or is it a part of my past that I should keep to myself?, not as a secret but because it's past and will be better not to talk about it? I know, I'm not in this stage yet, but I was just wondering. Hi C00kie, I'm 15 months out of my A and have a boyfriend now. My thoughts on your question, should you tell your boyfriend about past with MM, is that you should if this is something you feel is best for your relationship. I have told the man that I am involved with, simply, because we communicate very well with one another and it just felt right for me to do so. He has also shared ,what I consider ,very confidential information, about his past relationship with me . Edited August 7, 2013 by skywriter Link to post Share on other sites
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