Did she cheat?

[karnak]

 

In the last month (and before I confronted her) the sex between us has been very frequent and kinky (spanking, dirt talks her telling me she likes it being submissive, when I handle her and toss her around etc). She never was like that. To me this was a welcome change (our sex has been "vanilla" due to us never talking with eachother about sex, and I always assumed she is the vanilla girl, which is partly why I had lost interest in sex generally), and she said that she learned these new tricks through the adult novels she's been reading.

 

Also, before I first confronted her, I saw her browing history on her phone and she had been searching some online sex shops for a "small powerful vibrator"

 

 

This could either be nothing (just her exploring her more sexual side) or could also be a major red flag.

 

One of the oldest indicators of an affair is the almost sudden heightened sex drive of the cheating partner.

Sure, she can be only interested in exploring a "wild side" and there's nothing wrong with that. On the contrary.

 

But what made her explore that side? The "50 Shades" hype? Or is there another factor in the equation?

 

If you take the time to read most infidelity stories in LS, where the cheating partner is the wife, you'll notice that most affairs occur after the woman reaches mid-30's.

 

I'm also of the opinion that you're being a bit paranoid. But that paranoia must have a deeper reason.

You're no longer feeling comfortable with your wife's new attitudes.

 

Meditate deeply and try to understand why you're feeling that way.

 

I don't want to instill more fear into you. And you should try to acquire more peace of mind. Yet no-one can deny that adultery is rampant nowadays, for both genders. So much so that it's almost a common thing in social circles.

 

I know a guy from work who's 33 (married, with a little daughter). The guy manages to bang a different woman every month, with ages ranging from 20's to 30's. He even shows pictures and SMSs to prove his deeds.

Curiously, the vast majority of his "conquests" are married women or with boyfriends.

Edited August 7, 2013 by karnak

[BetrayedH]

She's certainly not cheating with that dude.

 

You're ruining your marriage.

 

Go have sex with your wife.

[Lillyfree]

i would spend less time going through emails that are obviously between close workmates and nothing else...and more time paying attention to your wife, before she completely checks out.

[NoMoreJerks]

One of the oldest indicators of an affair is the almost sudden heightened sex drive of the cheating partner.

I don't know. This may be true for some people, but not all people. Possibly truer in the case of men (who might also hit the gym, etc. -- all of which were done by my ex while he was cheating on me) and not so much women. Or maybe it's an individual thing. After I found out about my ex's cheating and him starting to act a bit distant/weird, between that time and the break-up (a week or two), I checked out emotionally from the relationship, and "cheated" on him, twice, had one night stands (because his cheating on me made me feel so betrayed and unsexy; he had already not been wanting to have sex with me much before I discovered the cheating). I definitely didn't have heightened sexual urges WITH my ex during the time that I cheated. The fact that his wife is having these urges and is having sex with HIM, rather than showing total disinterest when it comes to sex, might be indicative of the fact that she is not cheating. But again, it's hard to tell, since it varies from one individual to the next... IMO.

 

Has she gone off the pill recently? Pills are known to kill libido, so if she went off the pill, she may have regained that libido? Or maybe it's just that she's explored her sexuality in recent months?? I have had "bursts" of exploration of my sexuality, whereby I've wanted to try or have tried things I would previously have considered disgusting, etc.

Edited August 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[SidLyon]

I cannot tell for sure if she cheated or is still cheating. Those that are telling you definitively that she did or didn't, don't know either, it's their opinion.

 

Those that are telling you are paranoid, with the implication that paranoia in this situation is unreasonable, are in my opinion, wrong. Those that are telling you there is no innuendo or sexual connotations to these e-mails are incorrect in my opinion. They are full of them.

 

My view is that these e-mail communications are quite inappropriate and unprofessional in a work situation. Unfortunately they bear a striking resemblance to the "work" email communications that occurred between my fWH and his MOW. These were e-mails that they knew might be viewed by others, so they didn't want to go all out, instead using "in" comments and innuendo.

 

You are right to be concerned.

[findingnemo]

Yes, there's a sexual undertone to the bantering. However, with no evidence of further involvement beyond flirting, I think he has clearly shown her he won't tolerate cheating. Personally I think flirting is disrespectful. People should flirt with their partners. I've never understood anyone staying they flirt naturally and it stops there. So yes, the emails are not a good indicator.

 

The solution for now? Sex it up. Give her attention. Ask to read parts of 50 Shades that she likes. You'd be shocked to see what those books are about. OMG. They had women of all ages hiding in corners to read a little more..and most of my girlfriends ensured their partners didn't know why they were so into the books. A big mistake in my opinion unless you're married to a Pastor or something.

 

This may be an opportunity for you both to explore new things!

[Steadfast]

Wow...I am surprised so many are grabbing the wife's side of the rope here. The little stunt she pulled with her mum after you cooled your heals in jail was a masterstroke. Now that you're a 'bad guy' with 'anger issues' she's free to do what, when and with whom and you'll like it OP. Or else.

 

This isn't a marriage, it's an amusement park ride. And her pockets are filled with tokens.

 

Best case? She's sniffing around. Typing "Your wish is my command (within reason…)" ad nauseam isn't acceptable. I think the others are right; she's frumping somebody and everyone knows (or knew) it...except you.

 

Taking her to counseling will do about as much good as rinsing off her attitude at the car wash. Better get a grip hubby. The storm's coming.

[comet315]

Now that you're a 'bad guy' with 'anger issues' she's free to do what, when and with whom and you'll like it OP. Or else.

 

That's EXACTLY how it looks like to me. She got the upper hand because I misbehaved. However, I genuinely think NOBODY from HER circle knows anything, she is too EMBARRASED to admit it to anyone and wants to take it with her to the grave.

 

One unbelievable thing happened today: I was going through my wardrobe to find some socks, and at the bottom of the drawer i found A TUBE OF SEX LUBE with production date Dec2009 50ml and about a quarter of it is missing. I've NEVER seen it in my life, and i NEVER put it there myself (my own drawer?) We moved house in January and i am 100% I did not put that there...

[comet315]

I have 3 days to myself to turn the whole house upside down, wonder what else I will find. Could she have planted the lube there to trap ME? When her mum was here (after the arrest) she said to me, that they all thought it was ME who was having an affair!!

[karnak]

one unbelievable thing happened today: I was going through my wardrobe to find some socks, and at the bottom of the drawer i found a tube of sex lube with production date dec2009 50ml and about a quarter of it is missing. I've never seen it in my life, and i never put it there myself (my own drawer?) we moved house in january and i am 100% i did not put that there...

 

red alert

 

red alert

 

red alert

[comet315]

What the hell do I do with it? Confront her? Not tell her about it? Put it back as if I never found it? I genuinely don't remember 100% if we had bought it back in 2009, but I'm like 70% sure we didn't. It's hard to remember bback then. But I am 100000% sure I DID NOT PUT IT THERE.

[comet315]

Also, some of it has DEFINITELY been used, and I have NEVER used it with her.

[karnak]

This story is getting weirder and weirder.

 

Something strange is going one. You have to investigate further.

 

And, as Steadfast wrote, your wife seems to be getting some sort of backup from other people. I wouldn't be surprised if she was planning some thing.

 

Before you confront her, you have to acquire some sort of evidence.

 

Maybe a storm's really coming. Regerdless it's clear that this whole situation is being toxic to you.

 

Most guys would be delighted to be able to explore their wive's hyper-sexuality. But your "spider sense" is telling you that something's not right.

[karnak]

Perhaps she's using it for when she's having some alone time with herself?

 

Why would a sane woman use lube with a dildo when she can ride her husband??

[MrRightNow]

When I discovered the emails, I was so gutted I got up and went to the car, got in and started driving to clear my head....She didn't know where I was going and she texted me something like "I know and I understand why you are leaving, I just wanted to say I love you even if it doesn't matter anymore etc"

 

Interesting. Would a completely innocent person make a statement like that? I don't think so.

[karnak]

Interesting. Would a completely innocent person make a statement like that? I don't think so.

 

Good point.

[comet315]

Interesting. Would a completely innocent person make a statement like that? I don't think so.

 

She said that she never thought these emails were anything out of the ordinary, but reading them again she understands how bad it was...therefoire acknoelwdged her mistake and therefore she said "I understand if you want to leave"...but always denies anything more has happened.

[MidwestUSA]

Also, some of it has DEFINITELY been used, and I have NEVER used it with her.

 

Oh lord, please don't judge by this! Lots of lubes enhance pleasure by adding that "slip factor", solo, with or without toys.

[Steadfast]

...she never thought these emails were anything out of the ordinary...therefore she said "I understand if you want to leave"...but always denies anything more has happened.

 

You have over three-pages of responses based on what you're writing comet. It better be accurate or the responses you get will be worthless.

 

Lube? That discovery pales in comparison to other things you've written.

 

The above in bold would have me packing my bags. A woman who loves her husband doesn't 'understand' if her husband wants to leave. You leaving (with her endorsement) would be based on your suspicion, not any real facts or evidence. It's a win-win for her; no consequences for her actions and you out of the picture. It is very clear she isn't interested in saving the marriage. She wants freedom.

 

My advice? Give it to her. Then check yourself. You seem a little excitable.

[comet315]

Thanks Steadfast.

 

During this last month and numerous confrontations/discussions, she has clearly stated many times that she wants to work in order to save the marriage. Even last night, we spoke on the phone and she said "I am not leaving", this is something she has been telling me all this time. When she left for her parent's last weekend, she put little notes on the fridge saying things like "we love you", "I am coming back", "try to think positive", "I am not leaving" etc...

 

The info I am giving here is accurate.

[BetrayedH]

What woman in an affair goes thru her entire maternity without taking to her AP and then gets back to work without talking to her OM for two weeks? And he told her about his engagement to another woman via email. And she reacted calmly, just curious about who the lucky woman is. Certainly, those messages would be vastly different if she was getting busy with him. As far as I can tell, every single message between them was work-related. It's clear they go long periods without talking to one another. And even if she was making a point to be careful with her work email, then you wouldn't see any of that flirty stuff.

 

Even reading her messages, he is the one with some sexual overtones. And while she had some weak boundaries being a little flirty, she's been transparent with those communications and apologized for them.

 

All you have evidence of otherwise is that she is becoming more sexual and exploring that with you and on her own. Personally, I don't think I know any women that don't have a vibrator and some lube.

 

Could she be having an affair with someone else? Sure. Go ahead and quietly investigate if you think so. But I would absolutely stop confronting her. All that will do is make her take her affair further underground (if she's having one) and if she isn't having one, you're ruining a good marriage. If you fel the need to investigate then do it via a voice activated recorder, keylogger, GPS, etc.. But as far as I can tell, your wife wants to fix this but it's getting old for her. Much more of this unfounded confronting from you and you won't have those notes that say she's coming back.

[miguelcervantes]

I believe that you are extremely paranoid and worried about absolutely nothing! I cannot believe that some of the other posters here are seeing red flags where there are none! At the very worst she is chatting at work in a very friendly and sociable manner. Lube, sex toys are very normal and are definitely not red flags - if anything, it suggests that your wife is healthily sexual. Start working on yourself and find out where these insecurities come from.

[karnak]

Personally, I don't think I know any women that don't have a vibrator and some lube.

 

 

Back where I come from only the single ones use vibrators. And only very rarely does a married woman use one.

 

My last ex had a vibrator. But she said she hated using it. Stating she felt weird for sticking a piece of plastic inside her vagina. She would rather use flesh instead.

[MidwestUSA]

Back where I come from only the single ones use vibrators. And only very rarely does a married woman use one.

 

My last ex had a vibrator. But she said she hated using it. Stating she felt weird for sticking a piece of plastic inside her vagina. She would rather use flesh instead.

Where do you come from, just curious? I own several, and hubby is familiar with all of them. He would also know what flavor lube to pick up if I should ever run out. Vibrators do not have to be 'stuck in', and there are plenty of alternatives that feel more 'flesh-like".

[karnak]

As a side note, and to all of those who read Michelle Langley's books, this thread is a sort of example of her premonitions towards the future of love relationships.

 

Very complicated, confusing and messy things.

 

And I'm also confused about one thing:

 

in his first posts comet stated that his wife was becoming cold and lacing in affection. Now he states that she's turning into a sex volcano.

 

How do the two things play together??

 

This is confusing in the least.