My boyfriends left me, because of another woman?

[Booklover79]

I'll start of by saying that I have been with this man for 17 years and we have one child together. He started acting different in the past year. Things we're just not the same between us. I asked him like six months ago if he didn't want to be with me. He laughed it off and said he didn't know what he wanted to do. He said life sucked. So, I just went on with our usual routine. I kept feeling things we're off, so I brought it up again. He said yes he wanted to break up and just be friends and the he "loves me, but not in love" anymore. I was devastated. Still am because its only been two weeks. So, after the just want to be friends talk, he continued to stay in our house with me and our child. I started looking for apartments right away. He got angry and said "You wont be my friend". Why? Because I'm moving on like you wanted. He wanted me to stay and live with him, but not as his GF. I said no, so he moved to his sisters, but comes here often and didn't take any stuff, except a pile of clothes, toothbrush and a TV. Why not take it all? So, lets get into why I think he might be cheating or was. He is always texting on cell, even though he told me he hates it. He leaves the room most times when on it. He clings to it like its precious. He erases all call logs, because he said he cant get any new calls or texts id he doesn't. Takes it to the shower or bathroom with him. He also shuts it off at night and spends all day on it, always checking it, even at family functions. If I needed to make a call, he would dial the number for me and say its ringing, here you go. He also started going out every other weekend for the whole weekend to supposedly a mans house that he has with a mutual friend. He claims the wife (who is in her 70's) or so I'm told, bought him a sweatshirt and bracelets. Those keeps breaking and he always has a new one to replace it. It just seems very weird to me. Who has sleepovers at 36 years old with a 70 year old man. He claims they drink and fish. He hates fishing. I asked him right out if he was leaving because he had another girl. He said no, that he would never do that to me. I always told him that I despise cheating and if he ever felt the need or want to be with anyone else, that he needed to end things with me first. also, he used to want sex all the time from me and lately he has not. He claimed it was because of his vasectomy that he got. He has no sex drive, but I'm not so sure. He also told me in the breakup that "I'm just not sexually attracted to you anymore, its not there", but its not your looks he said. He used to be touchy all the time and he also stopped saying "I love you" about six months or more ago. He never wants to do anything with me, he barely listens to anything I say. He wants freedom at all times, which he had. My friends would always say "You let him do that?" and I would just shrug my shoulders. I didn't have a choice. He told me one of his reasons we're because I was had too much control over him (huh) Yeah right. He had the most freedom of any guy I know and he still was not content. He is also a compulsive liar. I catch him in SO many lies. He also had a private stripper show, that I was not aware of. That was devastating to find out a few weeks later. His whole plane for that night was a totally different story to me. I was crushed because he had told me so many lies. He comes here often and I cant stand it because he leaves and I cry, it makes me so sad and he acts pretty happy. He came and did his laundry the other day without even asking me. I told him nicely that he could not. He flipped out on me and said he was done being nice to me. Really? What has he done that was so nice? except leave me for no good reason. I know that people fall out of love all the time, but why does he keep bugging me? Why does he insist I have to be his friend. Why does he come here, yell at me and the try to hug and kiss me? I'm so confused. I feel like I'm the one in the wrong and I might have did or said the wrong things. I'm a good person. I put up with all of his antics (bad ones) and friends through out the years and I'm just sick of it all. Should I just tell him to get? and do not look back?

 

p.s. He was also spotted by a friend the other day with a woman and a man in his truck. The woman was in the middle, next to him. It could be totally innocent. The thing is though, I have no clue who they are by the description she gave me. So that's weird. She said when he spotted her, he looked like a deer caught in headlights, then turned his head quickly. He lives a secret life with his friends that I was never allowed to be apart of.

[Treasa]

He said life sucked.

 

It's too bad you didn't question whether you wanted to be with someone like THAT when he busted that one out.

 

I only got through part of what you wrote, but pack up his stuff, set it on the curb, and tell him he can come get it, or the garbage men will.

 

And then stop contacting him, except to get child support.

 

WORST case scenario? You have dignity and self-respect and child support.

[Zahara]

I put up with all of his antics (bad ones) and friends through out the years and I'm just sick of it all. Should I just tell him to get? and do not look back?

 

Sick of it all? You ain't sick of it all if you are still letting him walk into your home like he owns the joint and play stupid games with you.

 

Who cares if he's cheating or not, he treats you horribly. End of story. More than enough for you to walk away.

 

And why does he come around and hug you, then yell at you and then try to kiss you? It's because he's manipulative and you're a doormat. Self-respect and dignity. Find yours.

 

Dump his stuff outside and tell him to get it. Change your locks. File for child support and stay away from this piece of shytt.

[skywriter]

My friends would always say "You let him do that?" and I would just shrug my shoulders.

 

Booklover79, listen to your friends, they are on the outside looking in and seem to have a better view of what's happening.

 

If you won't do better for yourself, do better for your child or they'll grow up and allow themselves to be treated poorly.

[Booklover79]

Thanks ladies. I'm trying very hard to ignore him when he comes over. The reason. He keeps coming is because we just put an addition on the house for our child to have a better bedroom. It will be done soon (I hope) after that, I'm not sure if he willcome here. He is now acting cold towards me, like I did something. Its just so sad, I'm sad and cant seem to function at work or anywhere. I hate being lonely. I feel isolated and still cant get the thoughts out of my head about the possible cheating. Someday this will all be behind me, but for now its very hard because of my already depression and anxiety issues ive had all my life.

[skywriter]

Booklover79, not sure, but it sounds like the ole "push, pull" technique, he's playing with the acting cold.

 

He acts distant, you're receptive to this, ask, "why, is something wrong". The interest feeds his ego. Believe you, me, if you don't feed his ego, you'll feel much less emotionally exhausted.

 

The loneliness and isolation will not be remedied by the likes of a man such as him. It will diminish in time if you can be strong now and allow healthier people to share your life with.

[PegNosePete]

You know exactly what is going on here, you just need someone to tell you straight. He is absolutely 100% cheating on you. Anyone who uses the phrase "love but not in love" is cheating, seriously, it's like page 1 of the cheater's handbook. And then you give a load more examples of completely unreasonable behaviour he's done. It is beyond all doubt that he is cheating, and anyone who reads your story can see that as plain as day. Sometimes it takes a step back to be able to see what is right in front of your eyes.

 

Is the house (or rental contract) yours? If so, change the locks and don't let him in any more. Who cares about the extension or whatever, get someone else or a professional to finish it. Hit him for child benefit, go through the system no matter how much of a stink he kicks up, tell him to naff off. Box all his stuff up and tell him to come and collect it (don't let him in, just hand it over the doorstep or pile it in the garage). If he refuses to arrange a time to collect it then tell him you're going to put it in the street on X day at Y time, and if he doesn't collect it then the local kids or the bin men will.

 

If the house is jointly owned or rented by him then it might be a bit more difficult since he will have legal right of entry.

[Booklover79]

100% cheating. I thought so too and have had my suspicions throughout the 17 years, but had no evidence. He doesn't seem like the type at all, but who am I to judge? As far as the house. Its a rental, who is owned by his very good friend. Regarding child support- He is going above and beyond if you ask me. I think its strange, but ill ask your opinions.

 

I work only part time because I was the stay at home parent (who Did EVERYTHING) mostly by myself. So my income isent that big. Anyway, he is paying the rent here as well as trying to pay most, if not all bills, money for school clothes, paying for construction materials, offering me gas money....etc...the list is endless. Why would he do that., when he could just pay rent and run for the hills? He also wants to install a pellet stove, because we have a wood stove, which I'm afraid to use. Why invest all this money for someone your not in love with. I think he is nutty, plain and simple. I thought I knew him, but I don't.

[PegNosePete]

He doesn't seem like the type at all

They never do! Ask anyone who has ever been cheated on. If they seemed like the type then they wouldn't be so good at it, in fact they'd never be able to get into 1 relationship let alone 2.

 

As far as the house. Its a rental, who is owned by his very good friend.

Hum, that's a pretty awkward situation then. Obviously the current situation is not acceptable. He is invading your privacy by walking into your home unannounced. First I would tell him that this is NOT Acceptable and it must stop immediately. If he carries on doing it regardless then you will need to consider other options. And tell him to get his stuff, in the ways I or Zahara suggested.

 

Why invest all this money for someone your not in love with.

Guilt.

Or maybe you're right, he is just nutty.

Who knows!

[crazy1234]

I'll start of by saying that I have been with this man for 17 years and we have one child together. He started acting different in the past year. Things we're just not the same between us. I asked him like six months ago if he didn't want to be with me. He laughed it off and said he didn't know what he wanted to do. He said life sucked. So, I just went on with our usual routine. I kept feeling things we're off, so I brought it up again. He said yes he wanted to break up and just be friends and the he "loves me, but not in love" anymore. I was devastated. Still am because its only been two weeks. So, after the just want to be friends talk, he continued to stay in our house with me and our child. I started looking for apartments right away. He got angry and said "You wont be my friend". Why? Because I'm moving on like you wanted. He wanted me to stay and live with him, but not as his GF. I said no, so he moved to his sisters, but comes here often and didn't take any stuff, except a pile of clothes, toothbrush and a TV. Why not take it all? So, lets get into why I think he might be cheating or was. He is always texting on cell, even though he told me he hates it. He leaves the room most times when on it. He clings to it like its precious. He erases all call logs, because he said he cant get any new calls or texts id he doesn't. Takes it to the shower or bathroom with him. He also shuts it off at night and spends all day on it, always checking it, even at family functions. If I needed to make a call, he would dial the number for me and say its ringing, here you go. He also started going out every other weekend for the whole weekend to supposedly a mans house that he has with a mutual friend. He claims the wife (who is in her 70's) or so I'm told, bought him a sweatshirt and bracelets. Those keeps breaking and he always has a new one to replace it. It just seems very weird to me. Who has sleepovers at 36 years old with a 70 year old man. He claims they drink and fish. He hates fishing. I asked him right out if he was leaving because he had another girl. He said no, that he would never do that to me. I always told him that I despise cheating and if he ever felt the need or want to be with anyone else, that he needed to end things with me first. also, he used to want sex all the time from me and lately he has not. He claimed it was because of his vasectomy that he got. He has no sex drive, but I'm not so sure. He also told me in the breakup that "I'm just not sexually attracted to you anymore, its not there", but its not your looks he said. He used to be touchy all the time and he also stopped saying "I love you" about six months or more ago. He never wants to do anything with me, he barely listens to anything I say. He wants freedom at all times, which he had. My friends would always say "You let him do that?" and I would just shrug my shoulders. I didn't have a choice. He told me one of his reasons we're because I was had too much control over him (huh) Yeah right. He had the most freedom of any guy I know and he still was not content. He is also a compulsive liar. I catch him in SO many lies. He also had a private stripper show, that I was not aware of. That was devastating to find out a few weeks later. His whole plane for that night was a totally different story to me. I was crushed because he had told me so many lies. He comes here often and I cant stand it because he leaves and I cry, it makes me so sad and he acts pretty happy. He came and did his laundry the other day without even asking me. I told him nicely that he could not. He flipped out on me and said he was done being nice to me. Really? What has he done that was so nice? except leave me for no good reason. I know that people fall out of love all the time, but why does he keep bugging me? Why does he insist I have to be his friend. Why does he come here, yell at me and the try to hug and kiss me? I'm so confused. I feel like I'm the one in the wrong and I might have did or said the wrong things. I'm a good person. I put up with all of his antics (bad ones) and friends through out the years and I'm just sick of it all. Should I just tell him to get? and do not look back?

 

p.s. He was also spotted by a friend the other day with a woman and a man in his truck. The woman was in the middle, next to him. It could be totally innocent. The thing is though, I have no clue who they are by the description she gave me. So that's weird. She said when he spotted her, he looked like a deer caught in headlights, then turned his head quickly. He lives a secret life with his friends that I was never allowed to be apart of.

Damn right you should throw this ******* out of your life and you have to do do it this very moment!what the hell is he thinking?You'r not a toy he come and play around anytime he wants to.He wanted to break up and thats it.Thats the end of a relationship.Tell him to get out of you'r house and never come back again.

[stillafool]

100% cheating. I thought so too and have had my suspicions throughout the 17 years, but had no evidence. He doesn't seem like the type at all, but who am I to judge? As far as the house. Its a rental, who is owned by his very good friend. Regarding child support- He is going above and beyond if you ask me. I think its strange, but ill ask your opinions.

 

I work only part time because I was the stay at home parent (who Did EVERYTHING) mostly by myself. So my income isent that big. Anyway, he is paying the rent here as well as trying to pay most, if not all bills, money for school clothes, paying for construction materials, offering me gas money....etc...the list is endless. Why would he do that., when he could just pay rent and run for the hills? He also wants to install a pellet stove, because we have a wood stove, which I'm afraid to use. Why invest all this money for someone your not in love with. I think he is nutty, plain and simple. I thought I knew him, but I don't.

 

He is doing all of this because he has a child he needs to provide a life for. If you didn't have his child he wouldn't be doing all of these things. I don't know if your child is school age or not, but you really need to start looking for full time employment. Maybe take a class to help you get a career going so you will be able to support yourself. You will still get child support from him. He has to have a friendly relationship with you to have access to his child, this is why he wants to remain friends. It's easier to co-parent that way.

 

I do think he has fallen for another woman because he was honest with you about not having sexual attraction to you anymore. I say let him go because he is doing nothing but contributing to your already low self esteem. Stop being his doormat.

Edited September 9, 2013 by stillafool