Long rambling thoughts that leave me wondering.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I have so much in my head that I don’t know what to do with…lots of past, present and future stuff…wondering what I’m supposed to do…where I’m supposed to be or go…learning about myself and my issues….feeling like I’m a balloon that wants to rise up-up-up…and having that string attached to me that prevents me from rising up….not knowing what that string truly represents or what it’s truly tied to…reading and reading…learning about quantum physics (the little bitty parts and how they can impact the big parts) trying to understand…learning about my own spirituality (Native American) and knowing that I need to do something but not sure what…no mentors that I truly trust to help me…hearing all sorts of things about this particular area and not knowing which way to turn…wanting to DO something…being held back by husband who wants to DO nothing…husband finally *getting* that this is really-really important to me…husband interfering with my stuff in relation to spirituality…husband NOT understanding…husband scared to death that I’m going to leave him…maybe he’s going to do something now…is it too late for us….physical/material world holding on to me and me trying to get away…feels like husband is the representation of the physical/material world…but not knowing if this is right or true….he needs to rise up but I truly don’t know if he can or if he wants to…maybe he’s more comfortable in the material world and less comfortable in the spiritual world…he’s afraid of the ‘power’ of what I’m getting myself into…he’s afraid that he and I are not meant to be…I don’t believe that (I don't believe in soul-mates)…doors opening for me…leading me into that world…not sure if husband will follow….and if he does not sure if he will stay…worried about my family…my kids…sacrifices…suffering…learning…karma? Is it mine or his or someone else’s?

 

So those are just rambling thoughts that are rolling thru my head this morning. I know it’s really not too clear for the reader, and it’s really not too clear for me either, to be honest. I sometimes wonder if I’m going thru the classic mid-life issues…I’m 42 yrs old…maybe. Reevaluating my life, where I want to go, where I want to spend my time/energy on. Looking at the past with regrets and, down right, astonishment at some of the things I’ve dealt with (put up with) and for what? Why?? Looking towards the future and hoping beyond all hope that it will not be a repeat of the past. Thinking about the saying ‘the past is a good indicator of the future’ and being sick to my stomach at another 40 yrs of that…looking at now and realizing that it’s not that great…not that horrible…wondering if it’s the mid-life thing speaking…thinking about the saying ‘if the good out weighs the bad…’ and not really wanting to believe it anymore…why settle for almost good? But also reminding myself that good/bad go hand-in-hand and I’ll never have *perfect* so where do I draw that line? Being afraid to draw the line.

 

Sometimes I think that I’m out growing him and that soon we’ll have nothing that we can really talk about…we talk all day about nothing and it’s irritating….just filling up time or wasting time…

 

can anyone relate? What do you do to keep from going insane? Or have I crossed that line?

Edited August 7, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns

[czen]

Not sure if understand completely, but I'll just reply to what I understood from it, correct me if I'm wrong:

So to me it seems you're becoming more 'enlightened', you're starting to see things in a different way. In a way you're reborn, woken up and now your husband doesn't seem to completely fill your needs anymore.

 

I think a lot of people have these moments, some of them are bigger and some smaller. I mean, I had it when I first started feeling like an adult and started taking responsibility. It changed a lot in how I saw the world and which friends I hung out with and the women I was interested in for romantic relationships. These moments where your perception of the world changes come multiple times in your life, and they are all confusing since it can change a lot of things. And change is often painful as you will lose things that aren't part of your new life anymore. But in the end, it brings more happiness since you can bring in new parts in your life which are part of the new you. And the only way of being true to the real you is listening to yourself, and if that means saying goodbye to the old and making a change, so be it.

 

Now, I'm not saying you should go and divorce your husband. Just take some time alone and write your thoughts down and where you actually want to go. Beca use change is nice and all, but if you don't know where you're headed, it's just stupid. So think what YOU really want in your life and make a realistic plan for it. Since I've seen some people who want to change, but just too way too much at once and get too stretched out and in the end accomplishing nothing.

When you know what is is that you want, go to your husband and talk to him about it. Maybe he can join you on this new adventure, maybe not, but you guys need to figure that out together.

 

If you can't figure it out on your own, you can still visit a therapist, they can often help you answer questions about yourself.

[Confusion_Reigns]

thank you. Yes, we've been talking a lot about this issue...I told him I just keep coming back to the same conclusions, that I don't want to keep coming to..and that is that we are becoming two very different people...that maybe we're not right for each other anymore...

 

but you know this *thing* that I'm feeling is bigger than the marriage and bigger than the issues we have...it's something different...that I've never experienced before....it's good bad and everything in between.

[vla1120]

I can relate to your post. I started having those experiences at about the same age that you are. Now I am 52. For the past 10-12 years, I kept throwing myself into volunteer opportunities to try to feel fulfilled. I started a journey of self-awareness and self-improvement. I thought that I could change myself and make my marriage work. I thought maybe I could bring him on the journey with me and we would become closer. I would be able to forgive past transgressions and we would start fresh. I read books. I researched. I got involved in my community. I took on child advocacy as my cause. I asked myself every day "What can I do to make the world a better place." I even donated a kidney to a family acquaintance. I'll never regret that decision, but it was a decision I made in the deepest throes of my self-improvement/awareness phase. I sometimes wonder if I would make the same decision today (well, no - because I only have one left and I'm probably too old, now). There is so much more that transpired, each event a stepping stone to my current location.

 

What I finally realized was that HE was holding the string to my balloon, and I could rise no higher as long as he had that string in his grip. We are divorcing. He does not want the divorce, not because he loves me and can't live without me (he has his second date with a woman he met on a dating site the day after I told him I'm divorcing him) but because my leaving is going to change his financial situation. It is an inconvenience to him. He might have to cut out one or two of his 6-8 golf trips per year.

 

Listen closely to those voices in your head. Find your fulfillment. At 52, I was acting like my life was pretty much over and this was as good as it was going to get. Now, I feel like I have so much to offer the world and I cannot wait to start living my life as I envision it.

 

Oh, and I'm by no means saying you should leave - just listen to yourself and be cognizant. Don't shut down and muddle through, like I did.

Edited August 9, 2013 by vla1120

[Confusion_Reigns]

I really and truly appreciate you all sharing your thoughts with me. I kind of thought that there would be no on who could relate to this ramble.

 

Listen to those inner voices...yes, I know that I should but it's hard when the content is so foreign to my natural 'ideas' of what is right and wrong. I know that those ideas are byproduct of my past and how that past has shaped my inner self. It's almost like trying to swim up stream...against my own current...but if I just continue to float along...it's all taking me to places I don't want to go...I don't want to be anymore.

 

I guess I'm entering new territory and it's kind of scary.

 

Thank you again.