I think I'm depressed

[treezy]

It's been awhile since I last posted. I don't think anyone remembers me.

 

I don't know exactly where to begin but lately, I've been feeling extremely discouraged about everything. I feel down and tired all the time. I cry almost everyday and I feel like my future is so bleak I don't even know if it exists anymore.

 

I've always been a person with a very poor self esteem and my last breakup was a terrible blow to me. It made me feel really worthless and dispensable like a disposable underwear. I wish I was dead. I don't think anyone will even notice that I'm gone if I died.

 

I've been going for therapy, as mentioned in my previous posts, and I'm starting to feel like it's not working. I only feel good during the session and after that, I feel depressed all over again. I know I can't expect change to happen overnight but I only get to see my therapist once a month and I don't know if that's enough. I tried to arrange for more sessions but it's impossible due to her very packed schedule. Seeing a therapist also makes me feel pathetic that I even have to pay for someone to care for me because no one does.

 

I'm not sure if I'm depressed, but I researched online and found that I have most of the symptoms described on various articles on depression. I don't know if I should see a doctor about this or wait for it to go away. Does depression even go away on its own? Please advise and thanks for reading.

[Changeofhabbit]

I am no expert on depression. I have friends and family members that have been depressed. My answer is don't let it go. Ask for help. Start with your doctor and some trusted family members or friends. Don't allow it to get to the point where you can snap into a deeper depression. People want to help. Be brave and seek help.

[fireb3nder]

Wow. Going to a similar thing right now actually. Its like my name should be on your post..The only difference is, I dont have counselling or any help, even meds. I take it one day at a time. I pray, watch comedy, stay away from negative people and I don't want the dark side to win. I just had a really bad breakup last week. Friends help, the right ones. Dont give up, stay strong. Everyday is a new day. If I feel like everyone abandoned me, I make new friends. And take care of old ones. The ones that really care got your back thru thick and thin. Trust me, I have abadonement issue, trust issues, health and weight issues, fear of rejection, self worth issues and even money. Oh, and Im alone too. So like I said, dont give up and stay strong. All the best.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain. Hopefully, you will find the good people here to be of some assistance. Although I have dealt with the condition, I am certainly no medical expert. If you experience serious thoughts of suicide, please call a hotline immediately.

 

That being said, I never found therapy to be that helpful. I've heard that for individuals suffering from severe trauama (war, sexual assault, etc) that it can work wonders. That wasn't my situation. So, in my opinion therapy alone will not solve all cases, especially when you are only going to one session a week.

 

Also, I'm not a big fan of anti-anxiety/depression medication. Again, I've heard that they can help people. I know individuals who claim that SSRIs helped them cope. Personally, I found the drawbacks outweighed any benefits -- with the exception of sleeping much better if I took a full pill of a certain med. Unfortunately I cannot remember what it was.

 

All I can speak to is what works/worked for me. When a breakup elicited the condition (twice for me), the pure passage of time was perhaps the greatest help. Of course, that entailed weeks of getting 1-2 hours of sleep per day and eating very little. Not good.

 

If I were going to write a note for myself to refer to for next time, the biggest things I would emphasize are: 1) exercise, 2) diet, 3) monitoring your thoughts, 4) talking/feeling, and 5) keeping busy.

 

Exercise is no joke when it comes to feeling better. IMO, why pop-a-pill when your body comes ready made with anti-depressants? You just have to work to get them to come out. While talking simple walks will help, get to a gym if you can afford it. Being out, listening to some upbeat music (angry, triumphant, happy, silly, etc), and cranking some weights/laps/etc will make you feel better. You will also fall asleep easier and stay asleep for longer.

 

Diet is perhaps the most overlooked aspect of recovery/maintenance. I'm no garden gnome, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that if you eat crap you will feel like crap: sluggish, tired, unmotivated, and depressed. Start with clearing out any-and-all junk food. If your body doesn't need it, don't eat it! No chips, cookies, frozen/fast-food. It isn't that expensive to eat healthy if you cook for yourself. If you don't have the time or knowledge to do so, at least take a multi-vitamin and drink a half-gallon of water per-day. You will feel better physically, which will help you mentally + emotionally.

 

"They" say that we are what we eat. I also believe that we are what we think. If you followed a child around all day telling them they were ugly, stupid, worthless, unworthy of love, hopeless, and lazy, they will internalize that and reflect the stimulus in their actions. And this is exactly what most people to do themselves, especially when they are depressed, which is the worst possible time to do so. If/when you catch your mind drifting to negative thoughts (especially thoughts about the ex) stop yourself. Have a fallback set of thoughts on hand. For example, a song you like, a movie you are looking forward to seeing, sports, food, something. Anything, so long as it isn't the same stuff you've been thinking. Get off that treadmill!

 

Perhaps the biggest drawback of anti-depressants, IMO, is that they numb you. Grief is something that needs to be processed. Taking the "John Wayne" approach and simply pushing it down? Bad idea. It becomes like a volcano; it will erupt sooner or later. If you feel the need to cry, do so. If you feel the need to scream, do it. Find people you can talk to, but don't wear down your friends and family with nothing but negative talk. That is where sites like this (and others I'm not allowed to link to) come into play.

 

Finally, it is much easier to avoid the negative thoughts and break the cycle of staying in bed all-day watching Shark-Week if you are actively engaged in things you enjoy. I know it can suck this time of year (for me personally this is/was the worst time of year to be dealing with grief), but it is do-able. Reading, gaming, exercise, learning/playing an instrument, roadtrip, meditation, cooking, scoping out new spots in town, etc, etc. "Oh, I don't feel like doing any of that..." Ok. But do you feel like spending another day sleeping in until 2pm only to get up for the bathroom and then going straight back to bed? No? Then do something else!

 

And above all, keep posting.

[beautifulearth83]

It does sound like you're depressed. And I know those feelings, but there is a way to make things better. Therapy is good, but you may consider medication to coincide. You also want to go to the bookstore and read about ways to get into a more meditative state. Life is good, but it's hard to see when you're in that state of darkness. It feels heavy and nothing seems to help, but help is all around you.

 

I should add that a lot of it is a choice, that might sound unfair, because you feel like it is something that has nothing to do with you. But when you come to understand that you have the power, you realize that it's no match for you. It doesn't mean that you have to be bouncing-off-the-walls happy, or become a successful movie star. It just means that you find a way to not take life so seriously and kind of just let things go. You have many good qualities I'm sure.

[FitChick]

Walk outside or ride a bike. Vitamin D from the sun has been proven to lift depression and is good for your body in general. You need a change of scenery so you stop wallowing in your problems. If it's hot, go swimming. That is a form of hydrotherapy.

 

Don't drink or eat sugary foods which will cause depression after the initial high.

 

Laughter is the best medicine so search youtube or get some comedy DVDs.

 

Take a class or learn a new skill that requires total concentration.

 

As George Harrison sang, "All things must pass."

[treezy]

Thanks for the kind replies. Good news is, I don't cry as much now, but am still struggling with feeling like a failure, future being bleak, stuck in a rut and all that.

 

I've also recently started having some difficulty resting up at night and got some OTC diphenhydramine for that. I'm quite sceptical about taking it because the pharmacist did inform me that the meds may not work if I was to take it every night so I went to consult a GP about this and she prescribed me some Valium. She said I was too stressed out.

 

I read online that Valium can be addictive. I haven't taken any of those meds I got. I wonder which one I should take? My GP also mentioned that I could go back down to grab some anti anxiety pills if I feel like I needed them. I'm confused as to whether I should start taking all these meds. Therapy isn't really working for me anymore either. My therapist just cancelled the last session because she was sick and my next appointment will only be another month later. I don't really see a point in going now. Sorry if my post doesn't make sense. I'm just putting everything I'm thinking down without trying to arrange my thoughts before posting. I haven't had a proper rest in months. Thanks for reading this guys. Appreciate.

[MalachiX]

There's no quick fix for what you're going through and there's no way to know what's going to work for you until you try it. Meds help some people and not others. Therapy helps some people and not others. It sounds odd to me that you are only able to see a person once a month. I think it might be a good start if you can find someone you can see every week.

 

I agree that exercise and getting outside can help but, once again, different things work for different people.

 

If there's one thing I've learned recently in my own struggles with depression, it's that you have to stop yourself from thinking that it's something you can deal with using just will power. It just doesn't work that way. Nobody wants to be depressed but in our "self-help" society, we often tell people that it's all a matter thinking positive. That has the unfortunate consequence of making depressed people feel like failures when they try to think positive but are still depressed.

 

I'm not qualified in the least bit to help you but I think you might want to start by telling yourself that none of this is your fault and, if what's you're doing isn't working, trying something else. That may be meds. That may be a different therapist with more time for you. That may be trying to find a different environment. Just remember that your challenges in dealing with this don't reflect on you as a person.

 

Good luck.

[almond]

Don't go down the valium route - benzodiazepines are very, very addictive, and the rebound anxiety that often occurs after your stop using it can be hell. Rebound insomnia is also common. Be very careful with the medication - it is not a long-term solution in any way, and I find it completely irresponsible to medicate someone without ensuring that they are getting therapy to learn good coping skills alongside pharmacological treatments.

 

The anti-anxiety pills your doctor has suggested are likely either an SNRI/SSRI, or another benzodiazepine. All of these come with their own set of risks, and none of it should be taken lightly. I am absolutely not against psychiatric meds in any way, however, they are often carelessly and overly prescribed. I suggest that you get a good psychologist, and if you feel as though you need some more help, see a psychiatrist. They are much more qualified in respect to prescribing psychiatric meds than a GP. A psychiatrist evaluation might actually be what you need at the moment - something to think about anyway. There are a lot of options, and a lot of avenues you can take in order to get well again.

 

Anyway, I really feel for you OP. Therapy is a fantastic tool, but there are a lot of quacks out there unfortunately. The first therapist you see is often not the one that suits you. Please, please persist. It seems that once a month sessions are not enough for you - find a new therapist. Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy? This can be an absolute lifesaver for a lot of people.

 

Be proactive with your treatment. You need to act as an advocate for yourself. Unfortunately when it comes to mental health, you often have to fight a bit to get the best treatment...it is a very flawed system.

 

Please find a new therapist. Please look into CBT. Please do not start taking benzos. Exercise may benefit you greatly - there are many studies that have shown that exercise has even more of a positive effect on mood and anxiety than anti-depressant medication. It is also a really big help with sleep. Please exhaust all options re: sorting your sleep out before resorting to medication.

 

You don't need to live like this. It has been happening for a while now, but it can change. You just haven't had the right treatment yet. Find a doctor that is committed, and willing to work with you. Get involved in your own treatment, and tell them what you need. They are tools for you to use to get yourself better. Keep working towards it, and you will get there.

Edited August 24, 2013 by almond

[rechalchristine]

Hi Treezy,

First of all have self confidence and also hope for the best. A depression mood may not require any professional treatments. So just relax. By strengthening internal power, we can be stronger facing negative external factors. For mood enhancement you may use essential oils. Use oils like jasmine and lavender. It will help you mentally relax and also help with the mood swings, and release the tension from mind and soul. You may take an aromatic bath or an aromatherapy massage with essential oil every day.

[treezy]

I haven't eaten those meds, and I haven't done anything this week except my usual routine like work, work and more work.

 

I'm not sure if the moderators will take this down, but lately I've been thinking of just offing myself. For all my 25 years on this earth I've been nothing but a doormat. A piece of junk for everyone to step on. I try my best to be a good person, but somehow that just makes everyone trample on me even more. At work, at school, everywhere it's the same.

 

I saw a therapist, no time for me. This one is subsidised by the local community chest and it's the only one I can afford to go to.

 

I saw a GP, prescribed some meds and told me I could get more if I wanted to. Charged me a bomb for that.

 

Everyone at school treats me like I'm invisible, but that's fine because I've always been invisible from the day I first started schooling.

 

Everyone at the office picks on my mistakes in a manner that sound like I'm stupid. I'm starting to think that I may be.

 

Ex boyfriend told me over the phone saying I was annoying, disgusting and being with me was miserable and tiring and that he plans to cut me off and wants nothing to do with me. Said I should give up on my dreams of becoming a librarian because I'm not qualified enough to unlike his new (girl) friend who's a graduate from an elite college. Told me I should just stay where I am and that it'd be very hard for me to find another job because I'm just a student from a private college, unlike her.

 

I called the suicide hotline, lady at the other end asked me to move on. I would if I could, of course.

 

I have no friends, none who really cares about me without asking for anything in return. All my friends make use of me to either give them a treat or accompany them when they can't find anyone else, which usually ends up with me being the person paying for things. When I wanted to talk, everyone was busy and had something on.

 

I prayed, no one listened.

 

I think it's about time I made a move. I've had enough, and enough is enough.