W'eve talked about kindness...now let's discuss meanness

[Tony T]

There was a thread earlier started by Paulie about REAL kindness. Some excellent points were make there.

 

Now, why do so many people start out being kind and sweet and after a point (sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes a year or more), they start saying or doing things toward us that are downright rude and mean. Maybe they do those things intermittently, not continuously, but they certainly seem out of character of the very kind person we thought they were.

 

I am not necessarily talking about love or romantic interests. Friends do this too.

 

Has this ever happened to anyone? Why would this be?

 

Women, most particularly females in the 18 to 25 range, have done this more often than others.

 

Your opinions...PLEASE!!!

[Tony T]

The sudden change to rudeness and meanness which I referred to above usually comes on suddenly with no real reason. It is not in response to the rudeness or mean behavior of the other person...it just sort of starts for no valid reason out of nowhere. Sorry I forgot to mention this in the original post.

[Rachel]

Hi Tony;

 

I think its because too many women lose themselves in relationships, whether it be platonic or romantic. Especially the age group you discussed. WE are so anxious to be validated and recognized, admired, and most importantly LIKED that we are too nice.

 

After a while, maybe we are discovering that being 'liked" by different people doesn't buy happiness. So then we get frustrated. I am not speaking personally, but rather my observation being a 31 year old female.

 

As I have matured, career wise, socially etc. I have discovered that I dont' really have the "need" to be like by everyone around me. Now I feel more free to be the person that I am. Now I'm nice because I really want to be. And I'm not nice, when I know the people I'm dealing with aren't nice. And the "like" issue isn't an issue anymore.

 

Well, that's my two cents

[W.Girl]

I don't know why this happens. I think everyone has a public

 

and private image. I think anyone can portray what they

 

want to portray. Once you start getting to know someone, that fascade comes down gradually. Then you get to know the

 

real person. Sometimes the person is exactly who you thought

 

they were. Other times, they aren't.

 

Depending on the type of person you are, I think people treat you accordingly. My problem is that I am too easy going and I am too kind sometimes. People see that as a license to take advantage. If people know you are kind of "easy" they play on it. People who know me well know this about me. They will pull things on me that they wouldn't pull on say someone else. But I have gotten better. I am not as much of a push over as I used to be.

 

I think in the beginning of relationships, people try to win you over so they are on their best behavior. Once some people get into a comfort zone in the relationship, they start trying to pull things. Some may be deliberate, some not.

There was a thread earlier started by Paulie about REAL kindness. Some excellent points were make there. Now, why do so many people start out being kind and sweet and after a point (sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes a year or more), they start saying or doing things toward us that are downright rude and mean. Maybe they do those things intermittently, not continuously, but they certainly seem out of character of the very kind person we thought they were. I am not necessarily talking about love or romantic interests. Friends do this too. Has this ever happened to anyone? Why would this be? Women, most particularly females in the 18 to 25 range, have done this more often than others.

 

Your opinions...PLEASE!!!

[Annie]

The thing that comes to mind regarding this question is an old song called, "I see your true colors shining through."

 

If kindness is a facade, that person can't keep it up forever. Eventually, their true colors will show. That's my opinion anyway.

I don't know why this happens. I think everyone has a public and private image. I think anyone can portray what they want to portray. Once you start getting to know someone, that fascade comes down gradually. Then you get to know the real person. Sometimes the person is exactly who you thought they were. Other times, they aren't. Depending on the type of person you are, I think people treat you accordingly. My problem is that I am too easy going and I am too kind sometimes. People see that as a license to take advantage. If people know you are kind of "easy" they play on it. People who know me well know this about me. They will pull things on me that they wouldn't pull on say someone else. But I have gotten better. I am not as much of a push over as I used to be. I think in the beginning of relationships, people try to win you over so they are on their best behavior. Once some people get into a comfort zone in the relationship, they start trying to pull things. Some may be deliberate, some not.

 

[Rogue]

Hmm..This is rather interesting,actually. I hadn't thought of it until Tony brought up the subject.

 

I DO remember a girl I was attracted to a great deal acting like Tony said. At the time ,she was in that age group too. I would sometimes say "Hi" and she would sometimes cheerfully talk to me,like she was attracted to me. At other times I would say "Hi" and she would bite my head off. ( You can tell I never bothered to date her.)

 

At first I though it was just stress, but there never seemed to be a pattern on where or when the "nasty" side would show up.I could be pleasant and polite and still be chewed out. I also assumed it was just that "woman" thing that did or, or just a grudge she held against me. She didn't do it with co-workers or friends as far as I know, only with me ,a potential love interest.(ha! like I'd go out with someone that volatile). In any case the whole thing just puzzled me. Any one here have any ideas on this?

[Rebecca]

I don't know whether it is proper to think this way, but anyway this is how I interpreted it.

 

I think part of the reason some good friends turn out being rude and mean people lies in they don't grow the way we did, they don't experience what we experienced, and they never have been in your position before. So they cannot know exactly how you feel when being treated in this way.

 

One of my best friends from senior high came to visit me this autumn. She took another friend with her, and stayed at my place for one week. I am OK with that because many have been here in the past. But what bothered me is they don't really understand what your circumstance is. For them, they are going to have a nice exotic trip. But for me, their visiting will be a part of my daily life. They all have very good jobs and are very busy people. I am a graduate student, and this year I have been so busy doing my study that I have no time for part time job. Anyway, I prepared everything (ex. breakfast, some meals, everything needed, etc.) for them in order to make them feel as comfortable as at home. Then they had a good time and went back. Since then NEVER, ever a Thank note from this friend even now.

 

What can I say?

 

I was glad at the time they came to me and I have expected we could have some warm girl talk before we go to bed. But it was very difficult to say anything because we have gone through some many different things. I wanted to mention this wonderful Loveshack forum but my friend seems not interested in those relationship things at all.

 

(She never had a relationship as I know, and she is 27 as I am)

 

I wanted to share my experiences and my thoughts with her, but it just seems she is not interested. She never asked how I feel and how I dealt with the breakup.

 

I came to realize that what they want is a nice trip, not a good friend talk.

 

I know they failed to see how difficult it might be when you live and study in a foreign country. They have never been in where I am (say, living alone in a foreign land and having to earn your living on your own) so they can't see how inconsiderate they've shown me. Maybe there are lots of lessons for them to learn and it does take time for people to grow as a mature creature.

 

The more you experience, the more trails you go through, the more considerate and mature you will become. They are just not ready to act like an adult, and not ready to appreciate everything they have or appreciate everything they receive from others.

 

We change. People do change. Circumstances change too.

 

(Tony I think you will agree with me.)

 

Maybe we should become our own best friends.

 

Make friend with our own inner selves. They are the one who will always grow with you and will always understand the language you use.

 

Don't worry. There are still some nice, warm friends out there. The only thing we can do is keep exploring and keep in touch!

[WGirl]

I think you made a good point. A person's upbringing and experiences are diffent from many others. Someone may act in a way that was acceptable within their family or environment. Now when they are around a different type of people or environment, they continue to act the same and they are seen as rude.

[leah]

i totally relate. i have made friends (older than you have mentioned) that have turned on me, for no apparent reason. i must have either gotten something they wanted, or they wanted to bring me down with their miserable attitude or whatever.

 

when i encounter someone like this...i move on. i don't have much time in my life, let alone to dedicate to toxic people.