OW/OM, Have you ever seen MM's/MW's SO?

[Speakingofwhich]

I never saw my xMM's W. And always wondered what she looked like. I asked to see photos but he thought it best not to show me any.

 

She's not on FB and has no photos online.

 

I thought if I could see them together it might jolt me into reality. Because it seemed as if he was mine, that we were a couple. I would try to imagine him with a woman, say, sitting in a restaurant or a church. Or shopping together.

 

One time in a store I saw a woman pulling clothes off a rack and considering different items and it hit me at that moment that his W probably looked like that particular woman. So, I kind of stared at her and imagined her with him. It was such weird feeling.

 

But, then, no weirder than it would have been to see his actual wife with him. That would have seemed so very strange. Couldn't imagine him with anyone except for me.

 

Wondering if most OWs/OMs have seen their MP's SO, or at least a photo of her/him?

 

If so, what was it like? How did it feel? Did it make their marriage seem more real for you?

[Clemenza]

I was around xMW's husband maybe 5 or 6 times, nearly all of which were before the affair (well, the PA) started. I went to their house for a small get together once, and did dinner with them and some co-workers a few other times. He and I had a lengthy conversation one time, and actually got along fairly well. I saw him/talked to him one time after the affair started. It was awkward, but it would have been more awkward not to talk to him as we had established some sort of friendliness. This was months before D-day.

[MissBee]

That would have been very weird for him to volunteer a photo of her for you. I didn't want to see. I was conflicted as is, and her being more real by me seeing her would have made it that much worse.

 

However, I did end up seeing photos of her on FB when the affair was done. She wasn't as I imagined her, but she was pretty.

[Speakingofwhich]

I always thought that was the best way. I mean wouldn't it be easier for her to be kept as far out of sight as possible? You can put her in a box and just not think about her (which I know is basically the MO of most OW anyway) which has to be easier if you don't have a real mental picture.

 

Thought it would jolt me into reality and out of the affair. My mind was trying to come to terms with the truth and align myself with it and to see her with him in a photo would have helped.

[MissBee]

I always thought that was the best way. I mean wouldn't it be easier for her to be kept as far out of sight as possible? You can put her in a box and just not think about her (which I know is basically the MO of most OW anyway) which has to be easier if you don't have a real mental picture.

 

That was my experience.

 

A large part of how my A managed to last as long as it did, was the fact that because of certain specifics of the situation, I didn't always feel like an "other" and I'd never seen her or met her and since we were LD, there wasn't a day to day hiding, secret meet ups etc.

 

I remember when he stopped referring to her as his child's mother and started using her name....I was soooooooooo upset at it, as that made her "real" and made me even more conflicted and upset!

[LilGirlandOW]

I've interacted with BS probably 5 times, seen pictures of her on MM cell phone from vacations. I've seen them together at a function I was hosting, they were very distant physically, I was making rounds to welcome guests and made it their way (they were standing about 3ft apart), MM started the fakest sounding conversation with me about the party (that he helped plan during our time together), I loose my head in the awkwardness nod, smile and back away... 20mins later he see's me talking to a man too long for his standards he starts texting me trying to divert my attention off mingling guy. A total dog peeing on a tree move imo.

[Lillyfree]

That's the absolute f**king worst.

 

why? because it turns the BS into a real person?

 

during the A we were both referring to our spouses as 'SO' and 'HRH' (yeah, that's what he called his GF).

 

towards the end i was feeling so guilty about what was going on that i started calling my H by his name. because he IS a real person. i felt that it was just another betrayal, to dismiss him by calling him 'SO'.

 

i've never seen her, he's never seen my H. although in talking about her he would sneak through something he didn't like about her. what an arse.

[Lillyfree]

Not only does it turn the BS into a real person but it just smacks of a lack of regard for YOU, the AP. Insane I know. If you're in an affair, both of you know what you're doing and to start using the SO's name so flippantly is just.... well it can be jarring. Most people deep into A's don't want that constant reminder of the other party.

 

i understand completely. tbh, if he were the one to start mentioning the name first i'm not sure how i would react.

 

but the reminder's there regardless of what he called her?

 

bah. affairs sh*t me. what a ridiculous situation to put yourself in where even mentioning a name is on a list of 'dos and don'ts'

[waterwoman]

I don't know what H called me to her during the affair. I suspect they referred to me by name but I can't be sure. I will ask him. She certainly knew me, quite well.

[TaintedLuv]

Yup, I've seen endless pictures of them/her this entire time. At first, we were friends so I didnt care then the deeper it got, the more annoyed it would make me. I can't help but snoop around- I stumbled upon their wedding pictures once. I literally got lightheaded, nauseous and dizzy. It's not like I didnt know but that killed me. This was years ago at this point. It still bothers me. More recently I asked him to show me pix of them at her baby shower thinking maybe this would be the last kill for me. All it did was annoy me at how fake he was and remind me of how irrelevant I really am.

 

i understand completely. tbh, if he were the one to start mentioning the name first i'm not sure how i would react.

 

but the reminder's there regardless of what he called her?

 

bah. affairs sh*t me. what a ridiculous situation to put yourself in where even mentioning a name is on a list of 'dos and don'ts'

 

Just hearing say "my wife" annoys me and more recently her name. It makes me want to flip a table or something! Leave me in lalaland. I don't want to hear any of that.

[C00kie]

Yes, I've seen her. She's not on facebook but I've seen her pics in her son's, co-worker's and mother's profile. And yes, it makes everything real. Until you've seen her, she's just someone in your imagination. Then you look at her, realise she's flesh and bone, and it hurts so bad inside.

 

Seeing pics of them together - worst thing ever and a real wake up call. It's real. He's there, the man you love, and he has another woman by his side...very bad feeling. Nauseous, sickening, losing ground. Awful.

[LimeBlue]

I looked up a picture on Google of her, and was left shocked because the image I had of her in my mind was completely different. I always thought she had him under her thumb and seeing her picture confirmed it. However the picture was not very clear, was small, and zooming in did nothing to clarify her features. Even in the present day, if i were to meet her in person I think I would just stare in order to try and process it.

[Got it]

I never saw my xMM's W. And always wondered what she looked like. I asked to see photos but he thought it best not to show me any.

 

She's not on FB and has no photos online.

 

I thought if I could see them together it might jolt me into reality. Because it seemed as if he was mine, that we were a couple. I would try to imagine him with a woman, say, sitting in a restaurant or a church. Or shopping together.

 

One time in a store I saw a woman pulling clothes off a rack and considering different items and it hit me at that moment that his W probably looked like that particular woman. So, I kind of stared at her and imagined her with him. It was such weird feeling.

 

But, then, no weirder than it would have been to see his actual wife with him. That would have seemed so very strange. Couldn't imagine him with anyone except for me.

 

Wondering if most OWs/OMs have seen their MP's SO, or at least a photo of her/him?

 

If so, what was it like? How did it feel? Did it make their marriage seem more real for you?

 

I have meet her one time in passing when we first started. No, it didn't make me feel any particular way, to be honest I can't even recall what she looked like as it was a polite hello from a distance. I have seen pictures of her. I didn't until after we broke up, yes that did make her much more real to me.

 

He and I are married now but she and I do not interact.

[bentleychic]

We met once years ago when he and I first met and I've seen her pics on facebook.

[Speakingofwhich]

He has always called her by her name to me. But, sometimes calls her "my wife" which is hard to hear. Not that he talks about her that much but sometimes it's inevitable.

 

I just cannot imagine him with another woman. Think it would be helpful for me to see a photo and have thought of visiting their church to see them together but would never do it.

 

I find myself in a never ending quest for "what is truth" in my life in all things and this is just an extension of the desire to follow truth to its pinnacle. Not that the pinnacle of truth features prominently information about MM, mind you. Just that, along the journey to the pinnacle of truth this is a facet that needs to be explored in order to satisfy my psyche.

[Goodbye]

Our relationship started out as friendship. He sent me pictures of his wife and son early on.

[RickFox]

Xmw's H and me and my wife hung out as our kids were best friends. She referred to her H as "he". I hated when they were together.

[Speakingofwhich]

I have and what a coincidence she looked just like a voodoo doll I have in my dresser drawer ...........

 

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!

 

LOL! Thanks for the laugh!

[123Sassygirl]

I have and what a coincidence she looked just like a voodoo doll I have in my dresser drawer ...........

 

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!

:laugh:

OMG that made me laugh...thanks for the much needed giggle this morning!

 

I was friends on FB with my MM before we started the affair. He and I dated 10 years ago and each met our SO's when our time together was ending...so I had known of her from the beginning...five years later he and I became "friends on FB" and I first saw pictures of her there. I was still quite happy in my marriage so seeing her did not bother me, though I did think of him occasionally and had "what if's" going through my mind...I had adored him completely when we had dated.

 

After we started the affair last fall, he gave me the password to his online photo album so that we could send each other pictures/videos...lol...of course I am snoopy (he knows I am) and looked through his various pictures and there were pictures of her there of course, but he has waaaay more pictures of his dog. Even over the last year when he would put up pictures on FB they would be of his dog or nature from hikes he has gone on. Very rarely were there pictures of her.

 

Seeing her does not make her more "real" for me. She is real and my husband is real and they would both be devastated if they found out about the affair. For that I feel bad, but seeing pictures of her does not induce guilt.

 

Also, we had always used our spouses names when talking and it never bothered me. Our affair was always meant to be an "on the side" thing....never meant to be together and we never would end up together...he would never leave her for me. And I always felt compelled to defend her when he would say things that annoyed him about her...I never felt the need to do any wife-bashing (and he was not always talking negative about her, but when he did I felt the need to defend her position and help him understand her from the woman's/female point of view).....I'm sure she is a lovely person and he loves her for a reason and loves their life together. He just does not love to have sex with her.

[Rose Auxerrois]

 

Wondering if most OWs/OMs have seen their MP's SO, or at least a photo of her/him?

 

If so, what was it like? How did it feel? Did it make their marriage seem more real for you?

 

I saw a photo of her. It was in a pile of old photos at his father's house. Their son was still very small so it was a very old photo. At first I did not know it was a woman. I turned over the photo and written on the back was "wife name and son name, date, place". I asked his father if it was the wife. He looked at the photo and then ripped it up. I don't think he liked her very much.

 

It felt very strange. Like a family feud and not knowing quite what to say. It made me wonder if they only liked me because I wasn't her.

[smoky eyes]

I saw a picture of her the day we first kissed I think. Afterwards I met her several times socially, even hung out with her on her own once, and slept over at their house on one occasion. Weird.

 

At the beginning it didn't feel weird because I knew they had problems. Later it was evident their relationship was getting better and I was the problem and then yes, it was weird.

 

Also, she told me they were getting married, in front of him, and he'd never told me.

 

This was years ago... thank god!

[Speakingofwhich]

How did a blurry small picture of her confirm that she kept the MM "under her thumb"

 

??

 

Wondered about this, too, and thought perhaps she was so gorgeous, even blurred, that any man would be her willing servant! Or possibly that she was enormous so that she could sit on him!

 

Do tell, Limeblue! Was she gorgeous or gargantuan?

[GreySkyMorning]

Yes, I had seen pics of her, a couple of them here and there on fb. Last August (I cant remember exactly), he threw a benefit bike run at his fire department. He was in a miserable mood to me all day. We were speaking by text through most of it and he kept telling me how bad he was feeling, that he was sick to his stomach, that he didnt want to be there, that everything was messed up, etc.

 

A few days later, he was tagged in a couple of pics from that day on his fb. One was from across a room and he and her were standing close to each other, he was taking a pic of something (wonder if it was a pic he sent to me later). The other was of him sitting on his motorcycle and her standing next to him. She's smiling, he looks pissed off. But, regardless, they definitely looked like a married couple.

 

That was the beginning of the end for me. That brought everything home. I'd been knocking myself out to try to help him feel better that day. I really wanted nothing more than to be by his side for him. Seeing that pic made me realize that the man I truly loved so flipping much had another woman by his side and always would, and that he had no intentions of it ever being me. I was doing everything I could to comfort him through the day and he never even needed my support, only let me run myself crazy giving it to him.

 

We fought about that and he completely dismissed my feelings. We never really recovered our relationship fully after that.

[Sarabi]

I saw her pictures...several of them. Never met her. Saw one or two of their wedding pics.

She is pretty

Never met her in person but I can find her if needs be...I know where she is most of the week...she won't know who I am...I don't think she's aware of my name(although he mentioned it once its not easy to remember)

[bentleychic]

I am very much on BS's "radar". Was back then and when he friended my on fb 4 years later, she asked "Oh is that XXXXX?" and he said yes. So she knows me/remembers me. I've never talked to her other than the initial meeting and that was very casual, not intentional and years before we "started" anything.