OW/OM, Have you ever seen MM's/MW's SO?

[Speakingofwhich]

Yes, I had seen pics of her, a couple of them here and there on fb. Last August (I cant remember exactly), he threw a benefit bike run at his fire department. He was in a miserable mood to me all day. We were speaking by text through most of it and he kept telling me how bad he was feeling, that he was sick to his stomach, that he didnt want to be there, that everything was messed up, etc.

 

A few days later, he was tagged in a couple of pics from that day on his fb. One was from across a room and he and her were standing close to each other, he was taking a pic of something (wonder if it was a pic he sent to me later). The other was of him sitting on his motorcycle and her standing next to him. She's smiling, he looks pissed off. But, regardless, they definitely looked like a married couple.

 

That was the beginning of the end for me. That brought everything home. I'd been knocking myself out to try to help him feel better that day. I really wanted nothing more than to be by his side for him. Seeing that pic made me realize that the man I truly loved so flipping much had another woman by his side and always would, and that he had no intentions of it ever being me. I was doing everything I could to comfort him through the day and he never even needed my support, only let me run myself crazy giving it to him.

 

We fought about that and he completely dismissed my feelings. We never really recovered our relationship fully after that.

 

Thanks, GreySkyMorning! Bingo! Something like this is what I've needed to see. For some reason knowing it is not the same as seeing it with my own eyes.

[ladydesigner]

MOW knew me, my face, had met my kids and their faces too. Still didn't make it real to her.

[Red Wolverine]

Saw pics of her. It did make it more real but she was always real to me. He referred to her by her name a couple times. It was usually "my wife" but he started to refer to her as "her" at the end.

 

To me she was his wife and the mother of his children. Still is.

[bentleychic]

Not sure how this answers the OP question.

 

Always amazes me when OW on here report what the BS said or did, when they werent privy to it.

 

Nevertheless, how does casually commenting "oh is that so and so" on FB equate to "I am very much on her radar" ?

 

 

I honestly don't remember why I posted that in this thread. Sorry! You're right, I only have his word on it, but back when he told me, we weren't even involved, just friends and I don't know why in the heck he'd have any reason to lie or tell me that to begin with. (I cannot even remember why he told me now that I think about it. I think it was just casual in passing.)

[JulieKnows]

Yes, I have seen pictures of her on his Facebook. Not very pretty at all, but I'm sure she has attributes that attracted him to her originally. If you ask me she sounds like a pain in the a** girlfriend, but only because I have heard her when she calls him and I'm going by what he tells me. I don't think it's his intention to make her sound that way when he relates things to me...but that's the impression I get.

 

I don't think I would feel all that weird if I saw her in person. I don't know why, just wouldn't.

[MissBee]

I'm just happy I didn't have to spend copious amounts of time comparing myself to her. Didn't see her...was mildly curious but not that curious where I sought it out, I preferred it out of sight and mind. I assumed she was like me though. I heard her voice once, it sounded polished and based on that I further assumed she was similar to me and developed a picture of her in my mind. I didn't see her until we were long over...she was pretty but not like the made up image I had and I left it at that. He seemed to have consistent good taste and I wasn't some immense upgrade from some horrible, ugly, dunce....I felt good about that lol!

 

I think I mentioned before I have a thing about being among the best. I always feel better if I realize my boyfriends other gfs were women I thought pretty, smart, successful etc. I feel like wow...I'm among his consistent good taste. If they used to date unattractive, dunce, otherwise distasteful people it makes me really wonder about them or think oh goshhh am I like them in some way why he likes me????

[wanting more]

I had met xMM BW years before the A started. He and I worked together. I'd seen them together at a few company events. From the 1st time meeting her it was quite obvious she had an attitude towards most women and anyone who worked in a position which she considered "beneath" her husband. A few people in the office would even comment to xMM about it the next work day after one of these events. How he'd really not talk to any of us when his wife was around, he'd just say she got along well with the big boss' wife so that's why they didn't come around us. He was very very different when she wasn't around, and I'm not talking about being around me, I mean in general around all co-workers, as I said, this was years before the A started. I think maybe that's why during the A I had my own opinion of her, didn't matter that I had seen her before.

 

When he and I were together, he'd say "it's her" If his phone rang. I called my xBSO by his name to xMM

[zoobadger]

This is not directly relevant but instructive, perhaps. My STBX and I split up three months ago when I learned of her affair with a married man. It's not a casual fling and he has promised to leave his family for her. Maybe a blatant lie, but she believes it.

 

I found her on Facebook and felt heartbroken looking at a gallery of their 25th wedding anniversary when they had a church ceremony to renew their vows. Seeing their kids looking on rapturously; the heartfelt look of love and commitment in her eyes. But having read the lurid emails he's sent my STBX, and knowing of her all consuming desire for him to leave his wife and marry her.... It's really wrenching.

 

In my case, it makes it easier for me to move on. My wife is a selfish, manipulative liar and I'm lucky to be free of her. But I feel terribly sad for the other family. Perhaps if you saw photos like those it would jolt you into a new state of mind where you'd see things differently.

[Speakingofwhich]

In my case, it makes it easier for me to move on. My wife is a selfish, manipulative liar and I'm lucky to be free of her. But I feel terribly sad for the other family. Perhaps if you saw photos like those it would jolt you into a new state of mind where you'd see things differently.

 

Thanks for this, Zoo. Perhaps so. They renewed their vows while he was having an A with your W?

[zoobadger]

They renewed their vows two years before the affair began. Hard to imagine he was doing more than going through the motions given that he took up with another woman so soon after. At this point I guess it's none of my business until and unless she wants him to become part of my kid's lives. My guess is that when push comes to shove he'll stay with his wife so I'll just bide my time.

[2sure]

Other than very minor curiosity , I never wanted to know anything about BS.

It would have made it harder, so I avoided it.

 

I think that both BS and OW , when they have more than minor curiosity about each other...they are sizing up the competition, even if there isnt one.

I don't think it's a practice good for either.

 

But it's hard, I know.

[Speakingofwhich]

I think that both BS and OW , when they have more than minor curiosity about each other...they are sizing up the competition, even if there isnt one.

I don't think it's a practice good for either.

 

I agree, competition for OW/BS prob isn't good for either one.

 

For me, it's been more about that this is not an easy sitch to be in and I think if I saw them together in person it would be the kick in the seat of the pants I need to go NC. I'm such a visual person that it would have quite an impact on my mindset. We are very different, apples and oranges, and competition just doesn't appeal to me.

 

I actually did see a photo of her for a few seconds when we were first getting to know each other but I can't really remember what she looked like so that's why I put myself in the category of not having ever seen a photo. It didn't register in my brain at the time.

[findingnemo]

I never saw my xMM's W. And always wondered what she looked like. I asked to see photos but he thought it best not to show me any.

 

She's not on FB and has no photos online.

 

I thought if I could see them together it might jolt me into reality. Because it seemed as if he was mine, that we were a couple. I would try to imagine him with a woman, say, sitting in a restaurant or a church. Or shopping together.

 

One time in a store I saw a woman pulling clothes off a rack and considering different items and it hit me at that moment that his W probably looked like that particular woman. So, I kind of stared at her and imagined her with him. It was such weird feeling.

 

But, then, no weirder than it would have been to see his actual wife with him. That would have seemed so very strange. Couldn't imagine him with anyone except for me.

 

Wondering if most OWs/OMs have seen their MP's SO, or at least a photo of her/him?

 

If so, what was it like? How did it feel? Did it make their marriage seem more real for you?

 

Good question...

 

When I first met xMM in 1996, I met his fiancée a few months later. She would eventually become his W. She hated me at first sight although I would only end up in a R with her man more than 3 years in the future. She was pretty but her sense of dress was odd. She wore ultra long and big skirts to hide her wide hips and thick legs. She took some time, while we were in a car heading someplace, to show off her engagement ring. A ruby. And then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to prove that her man loved her and bought her whatever she asked for. At dinner at his brother's house, she sat on the floor and lay her head on his knees. In my culture PDA is a big no-no. Everybody thought she was acting strange and someone asked her what was up. Odd behaviour really. She must have sensed somehow that I would become a problem later on.

 

I have never met her since because 1) I tried my best to avoid it, and 2) she isn't very social, doesn't get along with the Ws of his friends and therefore was never at the same social gatherings as I was.

 

She is on FB but there were no photos of her on the net until recently. During the A, I hardly gave her a thought except when he talked about her. Out of politeness I always asked after her whenever I met him. You know.. The automatic greeting, "and how are the W and kids?" Most times the answer was "they are fine", other times it got more detailed. I blocked her so hard from my thoughts until one day I discovered they had had a baby. I had a panic attack. After that I just accepted that she existed and that they had a normal R with sex and everything else. I had been very naive and simplistic.

 

The marriage was always real to me primarily because I felt betrayed when he married her.

[imbetteroff]

I saw pics of MM's wife (at that time), since I was at their house when she was at work (I know, despicable). This was my first affair and I actually believed him when he said she was bisexual, she had a girlfriend and they were in an open relationship. None of it was true and she divorced his sorry behind when she found out he cheated on her with one of her friends.

To this day I don't think she knows about me, thank goodness.

I checked his FB page a few weeks ago and saw a pic of the woman he is living with, she has 4 kids, 10, 4, 2 and 9 months. This woman is very bland, not ugly, just someone that doesn't stand out. She looks the complete opposite of his ex wife.

I can honestly tell you that the ex wife is drop dead gorgeous, and I always wondered why he wanted to have sex with me if he had that beautiful woman at home. A woman that according to him, would sometimes allow him to join her and her 25 yr old girlfriend during their sexcapades.

BTW he's been texting me 2 or 3 times a week asking me to meet him at his new house, and of course I've declined every time. I don't even want to know where he lives.

[Silly_Girl]

I knew what she looked like, but it never really played on my mind. We were extremely different and everyone has different attributes or things that make them attractive (physically or otherwise) to other people.

[ladydesigner]

I can honestly tell you that the ex wife is drop dead gorgeous, and I always wondered why he wanted to have sex with me if he had that beautiful woman at home. A woman that according to him, would sometimes allow him to join her and her 25 yr old girlfriend during their sexcapades.

BTW he's been texting me 2 or 3 times a week asking me to meet him at his new house, and of course I've declined every time. I don't even want to know where he lives.

 

Sounds like a sex addict to me.

[Speakingofwhich]

Sounds like a sex addict to me.

 

 

Thinking the same.

[Speakingofwhich]

Good question...

 

When I first met xMM in 1996, I met his fiancée a few months later. She would eventually become his W. She hated me at first sight although I would only end up in a R with her man more than 3 years in the future. She was pretty but her sense of dress was odd. She wore ultra long and big skirts to hide her wide hips and thick legs. She took some time, while we were in a car heading someplace, to show off her engagement ring. A ruby. And then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to prove that her man loved her and bought her whatever she asked for. At dinner at his brother's house, she sat on the floor and lay her head on his knees. In my culture PDA is a big no-no. Everybody thought she was acting strange and someone asked her what was up. Odd behaviour really. She must have sensed somehow that I would become a problem later on.

 

I have never met her since because 1) I tried my best to avoid it, and 2) she isn't very social, doesn't get along with the Ws of his friends and therefore was never at the same social gatherings as I was.

 

She is on FB but there were no photos of her on the net until recently. During the A, I hardly gave her a thought except when he talked about her. Out of politeness I always asked after her whenever I met him. You know.. The automatic greeting, "and how are the W and kids?" Most times the answer was "they are fine", other times it got more detailed. I blocked her so hard from my thoughts until one day I discovered they had had a baby. I had a panic attack. After that I just accepted that she existed and that they had a normal R with sex and everything else. I had been very naive and simplistic.

 

The marriage was always real to me primarily because I felt betrayed when he married her.

 

For some reason this account really touched me, not sure why. Had an emotional reaction to it as I read your last sentence.

[lolita2012]

I have some irrational desire to know more about his wife. I ask him questions about her when I can (I don't want to be creepy asking too much). I want to see what she looks like and I would love to actually meet her. I imagine I'd really like her.

 

I don't have any guilt about our relationship, but I like to think that if I knew her I would start to feel bad. Or maybe the reason I want to know more about her is because I want to know more about my MM.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about being friends with her. Isn't that really weird? Just the other day I gave my MM some breastfeeding advice to give her and suggested some baby carriers that she might like. It was oddly satisfying, like I was already acting like a friend to her, giving her advice. On the other hand, a friend (or at least a good one) wouldn't be sleeping with her friend's husband. Also, why would a 46 year-old woman be friends with a 20 year-old girl?

[MissBee]

I have some irrational desire to know more about his wife. I ask him questions about her when I can (I don't want to be creepy asking too much). I want to see what she looks like and I would love to actually meet her. I imagine I'd really like her.

 

I don't have any guilt about our relationship, but I like to think that if I knew her I would start to feel bad. Or maybe the reason I want to know more about her is because I want to know more about my MM.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about being friends with her. Isn't that really weird? Just the other day I gave my MM some breastfeeding advice to give her and suggested some baby carriers that she might like. It was oddly satisfying, like I was already acting like a friend to her, giving her advice. On the other hand, a friend (or at least a good one) wouldn't be sleeping with her friend's husband. Also, why would a 46 year-old woman be friends with a 20 year-old girl?

 

 

Yup...that's really weird.

[LimeBlue]

Also, why would a 46 year-old woman be friends with a 20 year-old girl?

 

Affairs aside, why is age a factor in any relationship, be it romantic or friendship - especially as we get older? I am 38 and three of my closest friends are all older than me - 43, 50, and 58 (all female). Out of all of them, I get along the best with the 58 year old. Perhaps as we get older, age becomes less of an issue?

[Silly_Girl]

Affairs aside, why is age a factor in any relationship, be it romantic or friendship - especially as we get older? I am 38 and three of my closest friends are all older than me - 43, 50, and 58 (all female). Out of all of them, I get along the best with the 58 year old. Perhaps as we get older, age becomes less of an issue?

 

It's same as romantic relationships, the gap matters less the more mature we are.

 

I can't imagine hanging out with a 46 year old when I was 20. Or vice versa.

 

A 66 yo when I'm 46 seems far less unusual.

[Speakingofwhich]

I saw a photo of her last night online. Her features were surprisingly similar to what I had imagined but she was not nearly as attractive as I had thought she'd be. (He is very good looking). In fact, she was kind of homely. However, I liked her hairstyle. She had glasses and wore little or no make up.

 

In her photos she had the demeanor he had described her as having, to me.

 

And seeing her photo had the effect on me I supposed it would have.

 

I am going to begin a new thread called, "The Dinner," as a follow-up.

[cocorico]

Wondering if most OWs/OMs have seen their MP's SO, or at least a photo of her/him?

 

If so, what was it like? How did it feel? Did it make their marriage seem more real for you?

 

When we cleaned out the house after she moved out, I came across a box of old photos she'd left. She had been quite pretty when she was young. There was even one where she was smiling.

 

It made me feel sad that she was consigning her entire past to the scrap heap.

[Hazyhead]

I, too, always avoided seeing her. I agree with 2Sure that we saw one another as competition, which is not healthy. I still try to avoid it, despite being with him now. I've never met her but I have seen a couple of pictures and they never fail to send a sensation to the pit of my stomach. Now not only do I see her as someone I contributed a great deal to the hurt of, but also someone who has caused me a lot of pain in return. One day I'd like to be able to stand before this woman and have a civil conversation with no bitterness from either of us.