For those of you married or engaged....

[M.]

Do you/did you ever have doubts that you are doing the right thing??

 

To give some background, I am 29 years old and my to-be-husband is 31. We have been together for over 4 years, and became engaged in October. We are planning our wedding for next November. Through these past four years, we have had our ups and downs, and on probably 2 different occasions, broke up (usually resulting from a heated argument), but got back together within a day or so. One thing I do NOT doubt, ever, is our love for each other. It is very strong, which I believe we have proven to each time and time again. Anyhow..

 

I realize planning a wedding is stressful, and the thought of this level of permanence for many is somewhat of a scary thing. My fiance and I are both very traditional, religious (he more than me, but we share the same faith and beliefs and attend church together weekly) people, who truly believe that you get married ONCE, for better, for worse....

 

Last night, during a heated argument, he told me that he was questioning whether we should get married. There are some issues that continue to affect our relationship, which we are discussing with our priest during our pre-marital sessions. Specifically, it has to do with my family being from a different faith than he or I practice. He is concerned that my family will try to "force" their faith on our children, which is just not reasonable thinking, in my opinion. My family is very understanding of our differences in faith, and are aware that our children will be brought up in my faith. They would never try to pressure us into doing anything different.

 

After my fiance and I calmed down from our arguing, I said something along the lines of us putting wedding plans on hold until we figure out what we want. At that point, he said that he sees "doubts" to a certain degree as being a normal part of being engaged, that he loves me deeply, he's optimistic with the help of our priest we can work through these, etc, etc. I love this man with all my heart, and want things to work out between us. But it bothers me immensely that he would say, even if it was in the heat of the moment, that he is not sure we should get married. Now I am doubting whether we should, for no other reason than his comments.

 

By the end of the evening, he was kissing, hugging, holding me, saying he's never felt closer to me?????? He was talking about our future, etc.

 

I'm very confused. I'm sorry this was so long-winded,but I am curious for those of you who are either engaged or married... did you ever have doubts that you were doing the right thing? How did you overcome them? Aside from continuing with our pre-marital sessions at church (which have proven to be very helpful thus far), anything else you can recommend?? Thanks for any help you can provide.

[Tony T]

1. Do you/did you ever have doubts that you

 

are doing the right thing??

 

Of course...even after getting married. Sometimes you wonder if you would have been better off remaining single...but, then I remember when I was single wondering if I would be better off being married. Sometimes you wonder if there is someone else out there who would have been better for you but then you remember about all those you knew who would not have been better.

 

It's just human nature to always wonder "what if." And who the hell is to say what the right thing is? If you're happy, contented, building a future in the relationship, go for it.

 

2. How did you overcome them?

 

Reality overcomes them for you. A relationship is a growing, living organism. As long as the two of you are working on it, developing it, the life you live together eliminates the doubt. Of course, there are no absolutely guarantees. But if both parties to the relationship are intelligent and insightful, there is no reason it cannot work out on through compromise and creativity.

 

3. Aside from continuing with our pre-marital sessions at church (which have proven to be very helpful thus far), anything else you can recommend??

 

Yes, stop worrying so much and stop looking for guarantees. Stop worrying about what your guys says when he argues. People say things when they are arguing that they really don't mean. However, you should tell him how much it disturbs you when he expresses doubts about whether or not you should get married. Make sure he stops that...unless he means it. Then, if he does, talk about it.

 

You did not say what these arguments between the two of you are all about but, in your premarital counselling sessions you should learn more constructive and positive conflict resolution techniques. Fighting, as such, is pretty immature. People who have class discuss matters calmly and arrive at satisfactory compromises without yelling or saying things that are hurtful. Work on this.

 

I will tell you this...and remember it well: If on your wedding day you are standing at the church door ready to march down the aisle and the organ is playing that is not where you want to be more than anywhere else in the entire world, have someone stop the organist. Proceed to the front of the church, let the guests know you are skipping the wedding, go have a nice reception and let everyone have fun.

 

Then think about it somemore. Don't get married to anyone unless that's what you want to do more than anything.

 

I really think that someone who is confident in their love for another, the other person's love for them and in the joint committment to work on a great life with each other should have very little doubt or hesitation about marriage.

[Rachel]

Tony, I agree with most of what you said except one point. I think fighting in a relationship is important and healthy.

 

If you can't fight sometimes, you can't grow your relationship. A lot of passion comes out in fighting and gets our points across. I don't mean a screaming match, just a good fight.

 

On the other hand, not-being-able-to-fight, I think is NOT healthy.

 

Would appreciate your insights about this.

[Tony T]

Fair fighting is equivalent to the conflict resolution I suggested in my earlier post. I think if you have to call what two people go through to resolve differences "fighting", you should call it quits. So maybe we are just dealing with semantics here.

 

Excellent conflict resolution skills are essential in a marriage or relationship. Two people who are mature enough to be married or in a committed relationship do not have to "fight" to resolve differences. They can talk them out civilly without shouting, copping attitudes, etc.

 

However, I think people fight when they let crap build up over a long period of time and then they explode. No amount of "fighting" or conflict resolution will have any affect here because this chaotic buildup engenders irrational flares of temper that are unproductive and unmeaningful. Nothing is resolved because too many issues are brought together to create this explosive atmosphere.

 

So if you are talking about fighting in terms of civil and intelligent conversation which results in compromise and improvement of the relationship, I agree with you. However, if you are talking about "fighting" as in bantering back and forth, making charges and accusations, bringing up crap of the past, etc., I disagree in the strongest way that this is not essential but rather a result of extremely poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Perhaps it's also a result of poor upbringing and anger management skills.

 

If more people learned how to sensibly and effectively work together to resolve their conflicts and to respect each other's points of view, there would be many more happy relationships and a lot less break ups and divorces.

 

So not only is resolving conflicts and differences in a relationship important and healthy, it is essential. But irrational "fighting" like many couples do is without class, without intelligence, primitive, disrespectful, unproductive and, on occasion when it goes as far as physical assault, illegal.

 

I have been married three years and have yet to have a fight...or even have to resolve a conflict. I am older now and see no real importance in being right or having my way. Perhaps I met a great match. But, actually, I think it's because both of us are mature, rational, sane and we respect each other's viewpoints even if they greatly differ. As you get older, time becomes far more valuable and spending it arguing about pitifully unimportant things is not the thing either of us want to do.

 

Being right is far less important to both of us than being happy together. I guess everybody learns that with time if they take enough time out from fighting to think about it.

[Tony T]

QUOTE FROM MY ORIGINAL POST:

 

"You did not say what these arguments between the two of you are all about but, in your premarital counselling sessions you should learn more constructive and positive conflict resolution techniques. Fighting, as such, is pretty immature. People who have class discuss matters calmly and arrive at satisfactory compromises without yelling or saying things that are hurtful. Work on this.

 

Rachel: If you read what I said above and you disagree with this, feeling that "fighting" is important in a relationship, either I am not understanding you or you are in favor of more intensive verbal exchanges.

 

I thought I explained my position pretty clearly, so if you do feel "fighting" is superior to the use"constructive and positive conflict resolution techniques"...while I respect your position, I strongly disagree with you.

 

Fighting is only for people who lack insight and skills for negotiation and compromise and if they lack those they SHOULD NOT BE IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP or they are just in the WRONG relationship.

 

Again, I hope I misunderstood you...or you misunderstood me.