am the OW and tired of getting blamed!!!!!!

[DAYANDNIGHT]

ok im tired of always reading that its the other womans fault that she was with a MM i mean really that is sooo stupid......if a MM was so happy and devoted to his wife he would never flirt and give false hope, nor would he give any kind of body laungueg or give out any signal that he is in need of attention from someone other than his wife/husban... im speaking in my point of view, when i met my mm he would flirt with me , ask me out and do all that stuff that made me realize that hey this guy is into me and wants to be more than friends..but hes married so whats the deal? I just think that if he dont respect the idea honesty and faithfulness and hes is willing to go all out and have and affair then why not i mean he dont care why should we..and like the wifes always make it clear to us by says" sweetie if it wasnt you it would of been someone else" ......ok then well it was me so instead of asking me why i did it when i knew he was married ask him " what happend why did she/he ever get the idea that u were intrested" im sure that there will b lies involved but everyone in here pointing fingers @ us Ow should stop pointing and start accepting things the way they are at the time of unfaithfulness...once again i dont mean to offend anyone but sometimes us "OW" get tired of taking all the blame...God bless......

[Owl]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can assure you that I don't feel that it is always the OW/OM's fault. Not even in my own case, where my wife nearly left me for the OM. BOTH of them were in the wrong. Both of them crossed the line, BOTH of them knew that what they were doing was wrong, and BOTH of them continued to pursue it with that knowledge.

 

Are you partially to blame...yes. Unless you were somehow tricked, you knew he was married but allowed the relationship to develop regardless of that fact. Could you have walked away at any point...yes.

 

Is the straying spouse to blame for any of this...absolutely. In some ways they ARE more to blame, because they're the one really betraying the wedding vows and trust.

 

Is the betrayed spouse to blame? Many times the answer is yes, we have some of the blame to share ourselves. My wife was unhappy...while I feel I did everything I could, I do know now that I should have been more open in how I felt at the beginning of things, when I suspected something was going on. Should I have sought counseling or tried harder to get her to the doctor for depression sooner...probably. BUT, she made the decision to stray...the OM made the decision to build that relationship between them, when if he was REALLY my friend he should have come to me to let me know how unhappy she was.

 

So, you're not the only one to blame. Feel better now?

[ltomlinson81]

I hardly think ANYONE feels badly for the Other Woman/Man OR the Married Man/Woman. In all infidelity situations, both are to blame, and both are deceptive, disrespectful and wrong to do what they did.

[hotgurl]

your 1/2 the problem so you share 1/2 the blame.

 

There are no married men on this site so everyone rants at the ow and sometimes the ow are proud that they took a married man ect. so everyone get angier. the whole I'm getting what I want i don't, have to account for my actions line.

 

not always is the marraige bad the man could just be afilrt and wanted to see how far or a serial cheat sex addict. the decent thing to do would be to not sleep with a married man not matter what

[honey2005]

I hardly think ANYONE feels badly for the Other Woman/Man OR the Married Man/Woman. In all infidelity situations, both are to blame, and both are deceptive, disrespectful and wrong to do what they did.

 

I agree. If she knows he's committed she should have enough respect for another human being to find someone to be with who isn't in a relationship. I also think that if the guy wants to be with someone else so badly, he should end the relationship he's currently in. But that's just my opinion.

[DAYANDNIGHT]

i understand what everyone is saying i just wish that everyone else that does go through the awful ordeal of getting cheated on sees it like u all do... I do now understand that i did hurt my mm's wife ,children and ect: and i do and did appologize for letting the affair go on for so long ..but in all that i found the man of my dreams and im happy to say that we are together now and were making the best of it...i know that he has it in him to cheat and if he ever were to cheat on me i would totally understand that there was a leak in our relationship , i would not hate or point the finger at the OW cus i know what it was like to be in the other persons shoes and i would never know what my mm would have said or done to take that leap to an affair. Im glad that u all understand and thanks for making me feel better.....

[honey2005]

I think I would blame my husband more than the OW. After all, he's the one who was supposed to be committed to me, not her.

[honey2005]

Oh, by the way DAYANDNIGHT, I love your avatar .

[tiki]

Originally posted by hotgurl

There are no married men on this site so everyone rants at the ow

 

Of course there aren't. They're too busy having their cake and eating it too. They're at home with their wives and family fantasizing of their mistress. It's the OW that's at home lonely. And posting here.

 

They are 1/2 to blame. You can't make me think otherwise.

[DAYANDNIGHT]

ok see aint that krazy though...@ home with the wife but thinking about the lover....ouch that hurts more than the affair i would say... i rather them hurt me with the truth than with a lie......ok ok its both fault ......but if one is married and the other isnt then the MM/OW is to blame 75% and the other lover gets 25% thats what i think i mean really like they said who was the one commited her ......i would of never know ur man/woman wanted some unless he or she winked ..... aww what the heck they dont care about it so we dont and thats the way it is and has been , the only time they act like their sorry or regretful is when they get caught otherwise they love the thrill of being sneeky...God bless....EVERYONE.....even the cruel one....

[Mr Spock]

We are responsible for our OWN actions. THe MM is responsible for infidelity. If you're a single OW/OM whatever, you're not responsible for infidelity. What you ARE responsible for is being an enabler. Enabling a person to escape the responsibility of dealing with or ending a relationship.

 

And we all make the mistake of thinking we're the exception instead of the rule. So, I'll say it again, until he leaves her for you it's not a real relationship. And he won't leave her for you if you're still sleeping with him (normally, remember we're talking the rule not the exception here) so what does an OW do? She lays it on the line. Her, or me. If he chooses her, he was never yours and you move ON.

 

The blame of "cheating" and wrecking a "home" is laid on the feet of an unfaithful spouse. The blame of enabling is laid on the feet of the OW/OM.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

We are responsible for our OWN actions. THe MM is responsible for infidelity. If you're a single OW/OM whatever, you're not responsible for infidelity. What you ARE responsible for is being an enabler. Enabling a person to escape the responsibility of dealing with or ending a relationship.

 

And we all make the mistake of thinking we're the exception instead of the rule. So, I'll say it again, until he leaves her for you it's not a real relationship. And he won't leave her for you if you're still sleeping with him (normally, remember we're talking the rule not the exception here) so what does an OW do? She lays it on the line. Her, or me. If he chooses her, he was never yours and you move ON.

 

The blame of "cheating" and wrecking a "home" is laid on the feet of an unfaithful spouse. The blame of enabling is laid on the feet of the OW/OM.

 

here here

[Nocturnalkitee]

DAYANDNIGHT

 

I read your earlier post, stating that your "mm" left his wife, and the two of you are together. How is the relationship going? Is it your dream come true?

[SadAndLonely]

I agree that it is just as much the MM's fault (or MW's...whatever) as it is the OW's fault. However, it's usually not the MM you see here complaining. Usually it's the OW here complaining that:

 

-The MM isn't giving her enough attention

-The MM won't leave his wife/the mother of his children

-The MM is her best friend and she can't control her actions

 

The reason some people are so hard on the OW is because it's the OW who comes here saying those things. Regardless of how much I love someone, I would NOT get into a situation like that. I use the exact same thing I use to keep myself from eating bad things, eating meat (I'm a vegetarian), stealing, cheating, or doing anything else that would give me instant gratification but hurt me in the long run. It's called SELF CONTROL. And yes, I'm absolutely positive that I could do it. I've done similar before, and "love" doesn't matter if you follow what's RIGHT.

 

You can bet that if I MM came here complaining, I would be all over his case.

 

People here can get as indignant and defensive as they like, but I fully and 100% stand behind what I post here, and drawing me into an argument or berating me won't work.

[Nocturnalkitee]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

 

-The MM isn't giving her enough attention

-The MM won't leave his wife/the mother of his children

-The MM is her best friend and she can't control her actions

 

SadAndLonely

Most married men/women will never leave their spouse's , if they do after several months they will go back home.

 

 

He/She will use the children for their benefit. Trust ........they don't spend that must time with their children anyway!

 

You are not the other person's best friend, You are trying to do everything that their spouse is not doing!!! . You are being used.

 

You can not see it because you are "In Love"

[DAYANDNIGHT]

all i was saying was that us OW always get blamed and cursed at for screwing around

I mean damn we dont do this **** alone, i mean when the wife found out we were having an affair she called me every name in the book and was saying that i must of provoked her husband and that i was the one looking for it and that is soo wrong... first of all the mm would always hit on me and seduce me at work and i always told him no cus i didnt like sharing and he kept on til i finally gave in and now i still get called names and get looked at ugly cus he left her.. i mean yea im happy that were together and that he left her but to be honest with u after all this it wouldnt matter to me if he would of stayed with his wife and continued to see me because if she already knew about me and she still stayed with him then the way i see it is she is allowing it to go on cus she lets him stick around....therefore im glad he did chose to leave her and make a life with me and now were happy and i cant say ive ever been happier......yea everyone is responsible for their own actions but when i think about it i rather make myself happy and give myself what i need other than a stranger... i think of me and im happy with the MM and thats that ....no matter who has more blame or whatever.......just dont think that the other woman was the one whole stole the MM because he was pretty much giving himself away....

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by Nocturnalkitee

SadAndLonely

Most married men/women will never leave their spouse's , if they do after several months they will go back home.

 

I agree completely. When did I say otherwise?

 

He/She will use the children for their benefit. Trust ........they don't spend that must time with their children anyway!

 

I'm not sure where you're going with this, or how it relates to what I said. My main point was that people here come down hard on the OW because THEY are the ones here posting and complaining. I personally find fault with both the MM and the OW, although if it were my husband, I would blame him much more than her.

 

You are not the other person's best friend, You are trying to do everything that their spouse is not doing!!! . You are being used.

 

You can not see it because you are "In Love"

 

Again, I don't see where I said anything contrary to this. Most of the OW who post here claim the MM is their "best friend", hence why I mentioned it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by DAYANDNIGHT

i think of me and im happy with the MM and thats that ....no matter who has more blame or whatever.......

 

Well, that pretty much sums it up for me. :lmao:

[SadAndLonely]

DAYANDNIGHT,

 

I agree that your MM's wife's anger was severely misplaced. She should have been more angry with him. However, as you should know from also loving him, it sure is hard to walk away from or hurt someone you love. Keep that in mind.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the wife's anger is directed so much at the OW because, as women, we expect other women to know how much pain this would cause us to see the person we love be with someone else. Being that I would never, ever get involved with a married man, it would make me very upset to see someone else doing so, even if my husband were a total loser who somehow drew her in. But again, I would lay the blame equally.

 

It's easy to say that the wife deserves it, because she obviously wasn't giving him what he needed. However, I find that to be complete crap. Instead of looking elsewhere, the husband should either be working on the marriage or ending it. Either that or the marriage isn't as bad as he says it is. Either way, OW shouldn't get involved. The second you find out that someone is already involved, walk away. No matter how hard it is.

 

It's good for you now that your MM left and is with you now. However, the day may come, no matter what you think (because I'm sure you never thought you'd be the OW either), where you're the wife and he's screwing around on you. So be careful.

[Mr Spock]

Look here.

 

Until you've been in that situation, you can have whatever viewpoint you choose to on the WHOLE situation of affairs. But, until you have, your opinion isn't worth doody.

 

If you have feelings for someone that you can't ignore, you have a duty to your own heart to explore those feelings regardless of married status if those feelings are returned. However, since most of us are the RULE AND NOT THE EXCEPTION there are certain ways we all (as women) must go about doing it. Love is the exception, not the rule as well. You can blather and whine and sniffle about love all you want, but until he's left her to be with you it's not love. And why should you settle for a half assed relationship.

 

Which is my point. IT'S NOT WRONG TO WANT HIM. IT'S WRONG TO SETTLE FOR LEFTOVERS. Marriages end ALL the time, sometimes for someone else sometimes not. When marriages fall apart when there is no OW/OM the only people to blame are the partners involved. Same goes here.

 

Don't be an enabler. If you want him, make up your mind and GET him but if he doesn't leave for you, cut him out of your life.

[SadAndLonely]

Oh, BS. My opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's regardless of whether or not I've been in the situation.

 

You don't have a "duty" to explore your feelings with someone if they're married. Like everyone else, you have free will and can choose to exercise it just as easily. I think you have more of a duty to respect someone else's marriage and not act on your feelings until they break it off. The one exception is if you truly don't mind being the OW, don't mind being in second place, and don't mind your MM never leaving his wife. I actually know a trio in which the wife knows about the ongoing affair and is ok with it, the OW is ok just being the lover, and the MM is happy with both of them. A little messed up, but they're all happy, so whatever. However, there are very few OW here who are in that position.

[Merin]

First I will say that when a MM/MW has an affair it is my opinion that the blame for infidelity lays with the spouse who is cheating. The MM/MW is the one who ultimatly made certain promises and committments to thier spouse not the OW/OM.

 

HOWEVER

 

Let us also recognize that most times when the OW/OM is making thier case as to why THEY have become involved in the affair, they will often say "Well yes he/she is married BUT they came on to me." this annoys other people because it is in effect saying that the OW/OM didn't have a choice in the matter.. that they somehow couldn't control themselves.

 

Let us also recognize that most times when the OW/OM is making thier case as to why they feel "justified" in being involved in an affair that they themselves tend to place BLAME for the affair taking place on the door step of the spouse who is being cheated on by saying "If she/he was making MM/MW happy and doing the right things then my MM/MW wouldn't be cheating on her/him." the fact of the matter is.. there are 3 sides to every story.. HIS, HERS and what ACTUALLY happened. For obvious reasons no one wants to believe that the MM/MW they are involved with could possibly be a jackass who has more than thier fair share of blame in the marriage going to hell.

 

My point is.. you will NOT often hear a MM/MW say "You know what, I take FULL responsibility for my actions. I had other options than to begin an affair." You will NOT often hear a OW/OM say "Although I'm sure my MM/MW wife/husband had thier faults in the marriage I'm willing to bet my MM/MW had a lot to do with the break down of the marriage" and you will NEVER hear the spouse that has been cheated on say "Damn, I totally deserved that and am 110% responsible for my husband/wife betraying me."

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

Oh, BS. My opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's regardless of whether or not I've been in the situation.

 

You don't have a "duty" to explore your feelings with someone if they're married. Like everyone else, you have free will and can choose to exercise it just as easily. I think you have more of a duty to respect someone else's marriage and not act on your feelings until they break it off. The one exception is if you truly don't mind being the OW, don't mind being in second place, and don't mind your MM never leaving his wife. I actually know a trio in which the wife knows about the ongoing affair and is ok with it, the OW is ok just being the lover, and the MM is happy with both of them. A little messed up, but they're all happy, so whatever. However, there are very few OW here who are in that position.

 

BS yourself, the post wasn't directed at you. In fact, I didn't even read your little gem until I'd finished typing and then posted it.

 

And nope, it's not worth as much unless you've been stuck in that situation. You can say "walk away" until you're BLUE in the face, but until you've had to be the one to do it your words are meaningless.

 

I'm talking from experience. And I'm telling you that the only duty you have is to YOURSELF-it's not your screwed up marriage. If you'd bother to actually read my post you'd understand we're essentially saying the same thing. I've stated that it's important NOT to be the enabler. So, ladies, tell that man you "love" that he needs to be with you completely or not at all-kids aren't a good enough excuse. Finances either. And if he can't comply, it's important to your OWN mental health to let him know that you won't be available until he's single.

 

It really is-otherwise you get to be the one who's in agony.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Merin2

First I will say that when a MM/MW has an affair it is my opinion that the blame for infidelity lays with the spouse who is cheating. The MM/MW is the one who ultimatly made certain promises and committments to thier spouse not the OW/OM.

 

HOWEVER

 

Let us also recognize that most times when the OW/OM is making thier case as to why THEY have become involved in the affair, they will often say "Well yes he/she is married BUT they came on to me." this annoys other people because it is in effect saying that the OW/OM didn't have a choice in the matter.. that they somehow couldn't control themselves.

 

Let us also recognize that most times when the OW/OM is making thier case as to why they feel "justified" in being involved in an affair that they themselves tend to place BLAME for the affair taking place on the door step of the spouse who is being cheated on by saying "If she/he was making MM/MW happy and doing the right things then my MM/MW wouldn't be cheating on her/him." the fact of the matter is.. there are 3 sides to every story.. HIS, HERS and what ACTUALLY happened. For obvious reasons no one wants to believe that the MM/MW they are involved with could possibly be a jackass who has more than thier fair share of blame in the marriage going to hell.

 

My point is.. you will NOT often hear a MM/MW say "You know what, I take FULL responsibility for my actions. I had other options than to begin an affair." You will NOT often hear a OW/OM say "Although I'm sure my MM/MW wife/husband had thier faults in the marriage I'm willing to bet my MM/MW had a lot to do with the break down of the marriage" and you will NEVER hear the spouse that has been cheated on say "Damn, I totally deserved that and am 110% responsible for my husband/wife betraying me."

 

I'll say it right now. I'm sure the last one I decided I'd like to boink wouldn't have to look outside his relationship for sex if he wasn't such a jerk to his SO. I'm sure she'd feel MUCH more sexual if he helped out around the house instead of treating her poorly-the significant extra poundage wouldn't affect her self esteem so much if she felt a little more respected.

 

And you know what? Like I said...until you've been there, this whole disgust at an apparent lack of control business will remain foreign to you all.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

And nope, it's not worth as much unless you've been stuck in that situation. You can say "walk away" until you're BLUE in the face, but until you've had to be the one to do it your words are meaningless.

 

Hold on. Am I in Bizarro World? What kind of logic is that? If someone hasn't cheated on someone or helped someone else to cheat, any advice they give on infidelity is worthless? I would think it would give them a less biased opinion on the subject...

 

I've never gone skydiving without a parachute, but I'm sure that it wouldn't end up too well for me if I did it. You're welcome to try and prove me wrong though...

 

The opinion of someone who has never had an affair is just as valid as one of someone who has. We ALL have had experience being human. Everyone in here has someone in their lives who they love and trust(not just talking about romantic relationships). The idea of someone you trust betraying you isn't pleasant to anyone. Nobody deserves that, especially not over a reason as base as "I wanted some on the side". So generally...you will get the answer of "walk away" from people. Seems pretty simple to me. Some things are just common sense, and clear to *most* people as not being good to do. There are plenty of people in the world to be with. Why go through the hassle of pursuing someone who's attached?

 

Also, Spock, I get the feeling that if someone here said that they felt affairs weren't wrong at all, and that we should never think twice about following our sexual urges, regardless of who it hurt... you'd wouldn't even ask if they were "experienced".

 

*Hendrix riff plays in my head*

 

Well, that's my two cents. I just hear that line a lot, and it really seems like a weak attempt at justification to me.