Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[It's Just Me]

My heart goes out to you, Misadventure. I'm glad you have this forum to offer a small measure of support, especially by Janesays, who has been there. My spidey sense tells me that someone has been coaching him regarding the financials, and I don't think it's a lawyer doing that. What a callous thing to do - I just don't get it. I think he's forgetting that in a marriage, you are financially responsible for each other and any common debts. Mind you, that's the way it is up here - not sure where you're located.

 

I hope his butt gets nailed to the wall.

[vla1120]

I am hoping for spousal support and the other bolded parts so I can try and put my life back together or find a life..I have no idea what I am going to do with my life now.

 

What you will hopefully do is wake up every morning, shower and dress, spend time with your dogs. Eat, work, start a new job, meet new people, take up new hobbies, maybe write in a journal. For me, writing it down gets it out and helps me cope. Hang in there and let your lawyer handle all dealings with him.

 

(I apologize if I messed up when trying to bold your comment above, but you get the gist.)

[Misadventure]

Seriously, thank you. I think I need to do the 180 for me.. I know he is gone and not coming back.. the coldness, maliciousness, the way in which he did things..its not reflective at all of any love.

 

I am going to try the NC thing..but he just emailed me and ONLY in a business like tone like he was talking to anyone...not me...saying if I was willing to contact someone about our roof as it needs inspection...THIS now comes up out of nowhere? Well, I can't pay for an inspector, he is the one who took the marital bank account and he makes 5 times more than I do...and he is the one that left out of nowhere.

 

Again, thank you for all your comments and words of wisdom. I am trying to be strong through this but I keep thinking to myself that the life as I know it is ending and I never saw it coming..never going to have another Christmas or Birthday with the man I married and trusted...its just so hard to even grasp.. I feel sometimes like its a bad dream.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Misadventure

[vla1120]

Cyber hugs. Trust me, one day you will look back and start to recognize that this is best and you will find happiness.

 

Oh, and have your lawyer tell his lawyer not to contact you directly. All communication must go through her. Then tell her to tell HIM to take care of the roof!!

[Man-guy]

I'm REALLY sorry about your situation... Reading about how your husband was acting is almost EXACTLY what my wife pulled about 3 months ago... Cheating or no, it's irrelevant, he's gone. Best advice that helped me out is go COMPLETE 180, and anytime you get the urge to get in touch, have 2-3 friends on speed dial to talk you down, come on here and vent, exercise till your soaked in sweat, grieve, ANYTHING but get back in touch... We didn't have too much in terms of assets to split up, so I can't give advice there, but I can say to give therapy a shot for a session or two to see if it helps, and I HIGHLY encourage you to get on anti-depressants just for a month. It helped me focus on everything I needed to do to start getting my life back in order. Take it one day at a time, then a week at a time. You can get through this, but it won't be easy. You got this.

[Misadventure]

Well, I read on here about NC and I am going to do that. I will call the insurance company about the roof and ask the details and have them call him to call to pay for any inspections and the company can call me to make appt but with clearness that he will pay for it...does this sound fair? After all, he left me with NO money and I had to wait for my paychecks too which is so much less.

 

MG, I think I need to do that. After reading all the advice on the thread, I have appts today with two lawyers and a counselor. Last night was very bad, I couldn't sleep, I just hurt so badly and I was in tears. I want this constant pain almost crippling me to stop...he certainly isn't in any pain...If Anti-depressants will help this, I am game. What worked for you all?

[Misadventure]

It double posted. Sorry

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well, I read on here about NC and I am going to do that. I will call the insurance company about the roof and ask the details and have them call him to call to pay for any inspections and the company can call me to make appt but with clearness that he will pay for it...does this sound fair? After all, he left me with NO money and I had to wait for my paychecks too which is so much less.

 

MG, I think I need to do that. After reading all the advice on the thread, I have appts today with two lawyers and a counselor. Last night was very bad, I couldn't sleep, I just hurt so badly and I was in tears. I want this constant pain almost crippling me to stop...he certainly isn't in any pain...If Anti-depressants will help this, I am game. What worked for you all?

 

Yes it's fair. He can't kick you out or stop maintaining the house. Him pulling the money from your account and canceling your cards looks really bad to the court.

 

Call your doctor, and get on some meds. Different stuff works for different people. You need something fast acting.

 

Good luck.. Remeber do not call, or answer any emails or texts or calls.

 

Think about hiring a PI.

[Balzac]

Calling your insurance company for a roof inspection should not cost you, the policy holder. It sounds as if you have a damage claim. Maybe you have some knowledge about this? Hail damage??

[Misadventure]

Okay, Is, I am going to see today about meds. I can't take the nightly crying anymore...or morning.. or random...

 

Balzac, a year and a half or so ago they said we would need a new roof. No damage, just old. But before my husband forwarded his mail there were no notices, and he emailed saying he had notices now. I think its best to call the insurance company etc and ask especially about time frame. But I think too I need to try and stay NC or LC because everytime he there is contact it puts me at square one.

 

Going to go get ready. You all have no idea how much just talking here even for half a day or w/e has just helped. Thank you.

[Balzac]

You need a lawyer. The only reason your homeowners insurance could be involved in a new roof would be to explain liability to you. It sounds to me that you lack the basic knowledge to handle a roofing project on a home you're very unlikely to continue to own. Talk to your lawyer. Your soon to be exH needs to work out home maintenance on an underwater house that is jointly owned, alone. Your lawyer will see that you may get handed an invoice as 50% owner.

[PlumPrincess]

I think Janesays gave the best advice and was spot on with her analysis of your husband. He's not only having an affair, but he's also displaying a really despicable character. You shouldn't trust him at all. Good luck!

[vla1120]

A previous poster is right. Different meds work for different people. When I had my experience 17 yrs ago and couldn't cope (especially with the hormones and emotions from being pregnant) after I had my daughter, my doctor put me on three meds, Prozac, then Trazadone to help me sleep at night (helped TREMENDOUSLY) and finally, a script for Ativan, which I only took when I needed immediate help with coping. I hate taking meds, so I wasn't all that excited about taking two daily with another as needed, but they saved my sanity. I still take the Trazadone so I can sleep and switched to Cymbalta - no more Ativan. I am hoping that once I get out on my own and start to live in a peaceful household, I can maybe have my doctor wean me off the meds.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

1. Call dr and tell them what is going on, they see this and will help you find something to help.

2. Call and meet with lawyers. Pick one who will take care of you. Do whatever he/she says.

3. Forget about the roof. Not your problem

4. Get support in real life (mom, dad, friend)

5. Think about seeing a counselor for your support.

6. Document everything (ask lawyer)

7. Think about hiring a PI to find out if he's cheating, if it matters to you (it doesn't matter to the court).

8. Eat, small meals like yogurt, drink water and try to exercise.

9. Get dressed, put on makeup and get out of the house.

10. NC

[M30USA]

OP, I have a question:

 

How did you treat him during your marriage?

 

I didn't have any woman on the side when my marriage ended. I actually came to the conclusion that loneliness was better than insanity. As the famous Yes song goes: "Owner of a lonely heart, much better than an owner of a broken heart."

 

Don't assume affair until you actually have evidence.

[Misadventure]

OP, I have a question: How did you treat him during your marriage?

 

I treated him with respect and love.. I wasn't & am not perfect but I tried to do more fun things with him (as he usually just liked to stay at home on weekends and play online games, which I did play with him also)..I cheered him on & supported him for whatever education or job endeavors he wanted to do.. I told him how sexy he looked..how I loved him..We would switch off cooking..even if his new recipes were not great, I cheered them on..and when they were, I told him why they were. In bed..how do I say this...he just wasn't someone to last a long time unless he had been drinking..on average I could time it to 15 minutes...Most of the time, I really didn't get "my cookies"..But sometimes I did...when he had been drinking and could go longer...I liked to mix it up and be creative. I always usually said how much I loved him after..with finances..he had/has control basically..I didn't demean him and we didn't have big arguments...the times that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page, I asked to talk to make sure we were on the same page...I am not a mind reader, I really didn't know that basically everything out of his mouth then was a lie. I think he was already looking for "options"....I started thinking about this...when I caught him looking at apartments..he was looking at apartments for a fantasy single life..and who knows perhaps with the person he is either interested in or already seeing/sc**wing. I thought about this long and hard, I have been devoted to him and loved him all these years..I am pretty sure there is someone else (asking for a quickie divorce, wanting me out so fast, wanting to do this without lawyers, the suddenness, the blindsiding..CHANGING his FB and email passwords weeks before..the COLDNESS and complete no emotion...). I just have no way to prove it and I don't have money for a PI.

 

1. Call dr and tell them what is going on, they see this and will help you find something to help.

2. Call and meet with lawyers. Pick one who will take care of you. Do whatever he/she says.

3. Forget about the roof. Not your problem

4. Get support in real life (mom, dad, friend)

5. Think about seeing a counselor for your support.

6. Document everything (ask lawyer)

7. Think about hiring a PI to find out if he's cheating, if it matters to you (it doesn't matter to the court).

8. Eat, small meals like yogurt, drink water and try to exercise.

9. Get dressed, put on makeup and get out of the house.

10. NC

 

- Went to counseling.. yes, the ILYBNILWY is textbook and she said it..plus the secrecy, the deceit, and the sudden departure..she said that I probably never really truly knew him if he can have this sudden switch of being completely cold, no emotion, not even look back at our marriage and not even call to make sure I was ok. She pretty much said many same things of the 180. I need to find out now what I WANT in life and what I WANT to do..and I just don't know yet.

 

- Counselor also advised meds. I called my doctor today, trying to get appt for next week. VLA, I think I do need something for sleep... I have high anxiety now where I can't sleep since this started.

 

- I am eating now but can't finish a full meal..or even past one meal a day.. I started drinking Boost (blah).

 

- Saw 3 instead of 2 lawyers today as planned..one was a friend of the non-profit I help. I liked him the best, he told me he was not going to be my shrink or cheerleader but help me fight for the things that I wanted and legally was entitled to and he will seek any loopholes or precedents for situations like myself, and that I would only have to pay half the retainer and he will go after H for the rest. Retainer is $1k..ouch. He said I most likely have time to get it together. I have to say I cried and was shaking before meeting with any lawyers today..BUT after I talked to this one..I felt confident that I eventually would be okay and not be roadkill. He advised LC...until I retain him and then go NC and only through him.

 

- The roof..I thought about this..because he said this in an email..could he be trying to show how he is trying to take care of the house even though he left and how I am just emotional? If I ignore it..might come back on me..But I also don't have money to pay for an inspection..and we haven't had any hail or bad storms..

 

- And.. I am going to get to the gym today...I think it will help. I need to do something. Wallowing and crying to the point where I am a ball of tears and nothing else while he is laughing it up, having his time of his life not even thinking of me for one moment....I need to really try and put him out of my mind...just not sure how..but I think the gym will help.

 

SO this is what is today...but I think it's a start...

[Janesays]

- Saw 3 instead of 2 lawyers today as planned..one was a friend of the non-profit I help. I liked him the best, he told me he was not going to be my shrink or cheerleader but help me fight for the things that I wanted and legally was entitled to and he will seek any loopholes or precedents for situations like myself, and that I would only have to pay half the retainer and he will go after H for the rest. Retainer is $1k..ouch. He said I most likely have time to get it together. I have to say I cried and was shaking before meeting with any lawyers today..BUT after I talked to this one..I felt confident that I eventually would be okay and not be roadkill. He advised LC...until I retain him and then go NC and only through him.

 

My retainer was $2k, if that makes you feel better. But it was so worth it in the end!

 

Nice job pulling it all together, Mis! Remember right now, your hubby's goal here was to break you down and make you feel so emotionally drained, you wouldn't fight him. Instead you'd 'settle this without lawyers' and give him everything! So when he finds out that you actually retained legal counsel, this is when the TRUE nastiness will start! Prepare yourself for name calling (even low blows about your appearance and performance in bed), prepare for him to accuse you of gold digging and screaming and saying that he NEVER loved you, prepare for threats and if you really want to know if he's cheating? Shortly after HIS lawyer tells him that his affair likely won't get him in trouble with the judge, he'll throw his affair in your face just to dig the knife in deeper.

 

Be strong. The only thing this behavior should tell you is that his little fantasy of how this divorce is going to go is NOT WORKING and despite what he wants, he CANNOT toss you out on the curb like a bag of trash.

 

And when the dust settles and he has to LIVE with himself and what he TRIED to do you, you will know that you are stronger than you ever thought and you deserve (and have ALWAYS deserved) better than this man.

 

And when his new girlfriend sees him for what he is and kicks HIM to the curb and he comes crawling back to you because he's sad and lonely, I hope you KICK HIM IN THE FACE.

 

And then go make love to your new boyfriend who is 10X the man he ever was!

[LimeBlue]

Jane and Guy, you really think for sure there is someone? I have no proof...but wanting such a quick divorce and the way things played out...it hurts so much to even think he would do this....he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother...

 

My H has often said this to me over the years... And after reading this thread where one of the other replies also said her H used this line, I suddenly have a humongous red flag in my face.

[LimeBlue]

I have read this thread entirely and you Mis needs to put aside niceties, fairness, and emotion, and put up the good fight. It sounds like this man has manipulated you into a mere shell over the years. No more - take what is rightly yours and do not let him gaslight you into his manipulation causing you to doubt yourself. Easier said than done but give it a try as you need to protect YOU here - he certainly is not going to do it for you.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I just have no way to prove it and I don't have money for a PI.

 

If you want to do this, and frankly is is not necessary, hes been acting like a jerk either way, ask your parents, it may make them feel better since hey can't actually kick his ass. It's actually not as expensive as you think, you can make a couple calls and price. Better yet, have your father do it for you...parents want to help

 

- Went to counseling.. yes, the ILYBNILWY is textbook and she said it..plus the secrecy, the deceit, and the sudden departure..she said that I probably never really truly knew him if he can have this sudden switch of being completely cold, no emotion, not even look back at our marriage and not even call to make sure I was ok. She pretty much said many same things of the 180. I need to find out now what I WANT in life and what I WANT to do..and I just don't know yet.

you don't need to know yet. It's ok.

 

 

- Counselor also advised meds. I called my doctor today, trying to get appt for next week. VLA, I think I do need something for sleep... I have high anxiety now where I can't sleep since this started.

 

Call your doctors office and ask to speak with the doctor, PA, or nurse. Not the scheduler. Tell them and they will see you today or phone in RX. Don't wait.

 

- I am eating now but can't finish a full meal..or even past one meal a day.. I started drinking Boost (blah).

. Keep trying

 

- Saw 3 instead of 2 lawyers today as planned..one was a friend of the non-profit I help. I liked him the best, he told me he was not going to be my shrink or cheerleader but help me fight for the things that I wanted and legally was entitled to and he will seek any loopholes or precedents for situations like myself, and that I would only have to pay half the retainer and he will go after H for the rest. Retainer is $1k..ouch. He said I most likely have time to get it together. I have to say I cried and was shaking before meeting with any lawyers today..BUT after I talked to this one..I felt confident that I eventually would be okay and not be roadkill. He advised LC...until I retain him and then go NC and only through him.

 

Look at borrowing from your 401k, your parents, life insurance or your health savings account.

I let my niece money for her retainer...her xhusband was a dirtbag, it was the least I could do.

 

- The roof..I thought about this..because he said this in an email..could he be trying to show how he is trying to take care of the house even though he left and how I am just emotional? If I ignore it..might come back on me..But I also don't have money to pay for an inspection..and we haven't had any hail or bad storms..

 

This cannot harm you in any way. Ignore it. He left you with no money to live on, you are not expected to do maintenance.

 

- And.. I am going to get to the gym today...I think it will help. I need to do something. Wallowing and crying to the point where I am a ball of tears and nothing else while he is laughing it up, having his time of his life not even thinking of me for one moment....I need to really try and put him out of my mind...just not sure how..but I think the gym will help.

 

Good!

 

SO this is what is today...but I think it's a start...[

 

(Mom hugs)

[Misadventure]

I really needed Mom Hugs.. Thank you.

 

I hear what all of you are saying.. I am trying so very hard not to continue thinking of things... so much so that I went to go see Pacific Rim with a friend tonight. I haven't been able to focus on ANY movie, tv show or anything since he left...

 

Maybe its the constant action or the robots vs monsters but I was only able to think of him twice and it was short lived and I was able to enjoy..and FOCUS on the movie...This movie doesn't let you wander and think but makes you engaged and get sucked in.

 

I needed that. I will write some more tomorrow in response to so much. I think I am just overwhelmed today but ....I am not crying right now and thats at least something.

 

I am so very honored and thankful that I came here and chatting back and forth among you...I think I was really almost below rock bottom a couple nights ago and I think its the collaborative strength of so many here that has helped.

[Speakingofwhich]

This was like reading my own story. One day I got roses from him and a few days later he told me he didn't love me anymore and was leaving.

 

Same cold detached demeanor. Wouldn't discuss anything with me. I asked if there was anyone else and he told me, "no."

 

But, there was another woman I found out months later. He didn't marry her, though. Think he broke up with her six -eight months later and began dating someone else he married a few months after our divorce was final.

 

He left that woman after two years and a new baby boy, the same way he'd left me, suddenly after telling her he didn't love her anymore.

 

He has never been the same person since he decided to leave me. He really is a jerk and I never saw that while I was married to him.

 

When you have loved your husband and then he becomes this other man it's hard to make the transition into seeing what kind of person he really is. I kept trying to figure it out. But, you can't do it.

 

Honestly, I think it's usually another woman that makes men act this way. My bro-in-law, a minister who does counseling, told me that when men leave they sometimes act like a jerk to push their wives away from them.

 

You are hurting so badly but be glad you are getting away from this man because he is a mess and you will see, if you can observe his life from here on out, that he is unstable and causes problems wherever he goes. Even if he seems to be doing well for awhile. Trust me, it will be a facade!

 

You are fortunate to have your parents living nearby. Let them help you get the super attorney. Or one who you decide is really good.

 

You have gotten some great advice, at least on the first page of this thread. Haven't read the other pages.

 

Hang in there! Be glad, so glad, that you don't have children with this jerk. if you did, you'd have to share custody, etc., and that is very hard to do when the guy is this awful.

[Red Wolverine]

Jane and Guy, you really think for sure there is someone? I have no proof...but wanting such a quick divorce and the way things played out...it hurts so much to even think he would do this....he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother...

 

But maybe history repeats itself.

 

 

My former AP apparently told his wife the same thing.

[Speakingofwhich]

PS Besides getting a good attorney and getting started on the divorce the one other thing I would advise, that I think other have told you, too, is not to contact your H in any way unless you absolutely have to.

 

This will drive him crazy after awhile.

 

And, also want to add. Once I began to date other people my ex came back wanting to be with me. But, it was too late.

 

When a man leaves in this manner the very worst thing you can do is to chase him.

 

The best thing you can do is to go on with your life, change your hairstyle, go places, etc., even if you don't feel like it. The more he sees you moving on with your life and not paying attention to him, the more it will bother him.

[Misadventure]

I have started the 180 (went to the gym yesterday, and beginning NC)...and Speak, in my gut, I feel there is someone else.

 

I may not have been the perfect wife or perfect person but I was a good wife..I am not the nagging kind, I tried to show him new things, I gave him a good family with my family who brought him in while his own blood family could not be bothered to attend the wedding or be there for important events, and I gave him my heart, my trust, my whole life...

 

Yesterday was an easier day, I felt stronger...I went to see a counselor..I saw lawyers (as sick as it made me right before I saw them I felt better when I found the "right one"... Goldilawyer?? This chair is JUST right!).

 

Today...maybe because I don't work until a few..I slept in and kept sleeping and sleeping and sleeping..I didn't want to get up...Food doesn't seem appealing to me today..and I realized the many things I will never do again with him again.. and right now... it really hurts.

 

I think I know deep down what many of you said is true..he just is not the man I thought he was or he became this under my nose and I never knew...but I still hurt for the man I married and loved. I want this pain to go away so badly.