Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Misadventure]

I am thinking it is also..Ultimately, he left me...betrayed me..did it in such a cowardly way without any care for my feelings or what it would do to me. He didn't call once at all to even see how I was...or anything. He said to me in an email about the roof before the only business sounding email about the roof.."Sorry it's come to this..The difference is I went through my pain already."

 

WTF seriously?? What, a whole 5 minutes as he walked out the door?? On his way to go have his w/e on the side?

 

How can someone leave someone they have loved who has done NOTHING wrong to them and devastate them and NOT look back or not even look themselves in the mirror at what they have done and are doing? Do they have no remorse or feeling?

 

I guess not, since he has been nothing but cold and emotionless, and laughed when I told him how he hurt me but otherwise showed NO emotion, just stared blankly and cold.

 

I have been good about NC even though he emailed about the roof. Do I email a quick yes or no about the roof or just go around him and maintain NC and speak to insurance company myself?

[Balzac]

I'd not have any discussions w him. Yes or no is equal to a discussion. Get a lawyer. Follow what that lawyer instructs. Unless rain is pouring through the roof, delay any actions.

 

I'm still not understanding how an insurance company is involved.

Any roofing company can give a bid for a new roof on a house that's over financed. A roof is a major investment. You've got no idea whether you'll be continuing to reside in the house. Delay any discussion of a major investment until your lawyer gets the big picture.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am thinking it is also..Ultimately, he left me...betrayed me..did it in such a cowardly way without any care for my feelings or what it would do to me. He didn't call once at all to even see how I was...or anything. He said to me in an email about the roof before the only business sounding email about the roof.."Sorry it's come to this..The difference is I went through my pain already."

 

WTF seriously?? What, a whole 5 minutes as he walked out the door?? On his way to go have his w/e on the side?

 

How can someone leave someone they have loved who has done NOTHING wrong to them and devastate them and NOT look back or not even look themselves in the mirror at what they have done and are doing? Do they have no remorse or feeling?

 

I guess not, since he has been nothing but cold and emotionless, and laughed when I told him how he hurt me but otherwise showed NO emotion, just stared blankly and cold.

 

I have been good about NC even though he emailed about the roof. Do I email a quick yes or no about the roof or just go around him and maintain NC and speak to insurance company myself?

 

You need to stay NC with your x. He is a slimey, dirtbag. He is rewriting history. Which is typical.

 

You do not need to do anything about the roof. The notices go to your husband. Let him get them. You do not need to do ANYTHING right now.

 

You said there was no recent storm or anything that damaged the roof? The roof is not leaking? Then don't worry a couple months here or there make no difference. Give the notes to your attorney.

 

Your husband is doing this to be mean.

[Balzac]

Your husband is doing this to be mean.

 

I'm not inclined to agree but that's fine. I believe it's more about

1. Demonstrating to her that she lacks the knowledge or skill to become the sole deed holder.

 

2. Maneuvering her into agreeing to assume financial liability for some portion of the expense of a new roof. X dollars exist now and when a portion goes to a new roof, him buying her out becomes a longer process.

 

3. He intends to sell the house and knows the listing price suffers when a major repair is needed. According to OP the property is "underwater".

 

At any rate, he should be prevented from engaging in any contract to spend money on a property they both may be walking away from.

[Misadventure]

My attorney isn't my attorney yet. He said we can pay him and retain him when H files for divorce. He asked me if I wanted to be the aggressor and file, but he advised since he is the one that left, let him do it so he can pay for it, etc since he is the one that walked.

 

Ok, you have many points. Why now suddenly all this with the roof??

 

(edit, just saw Balzac's comment) Well, he could be trying to display that he is still trying to maintain the house even though he left...I agree that he shouldn't be able to be contracted to spend money on anything right now.

 

I have many bad bad moments..today so far I am ok..its night time that is the worst...the bed is so empty even with all my dogs..and then I wonder if he gives me a thought at all..after many years together.. I need to stop this, stop myself from caring...

 

Last night I had a dream..I was in some building, it looked like a hospital but I was working there with computers or something..and then he came in with a girl (not a pretty one might I add, but rather plain and frumpy)..and for some reason our furniture was in the room..and he told her to start helping him move it, it was all his now, that everything was and "this was so and so"....Next thing I know, I was at the house, locking all the doors...and I woke up.

 

God, I hate this.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Misadventure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Not sure where you live, but his maintaining the house, or more accurately his sending you crappy emails for you to maintain the house means nothing, has no impact with anything, he is doing it to screw with you.

 

Pretend he is a zombie. Because he is a zombie. You know, whatever you thought he was, he isn't anymore?

 

Protect yourself from contact with him like he is a zombie.

[Balzac]

My attorney isn't my attorney yet. He said we can pay him and retain him when H files for divorce. He asked me if I wanted to be the aggressor and file, but he advised since he is the one that left, let him do it so he can pay for it, etc since he is the one that walked.

 

First of all the word "we" and engaging an attorney to represent you is an oxymoron. That dog won't hunt.

 

I have never heard the petitioner in a divorce filing referred to as "the aggressor". Often the filer acts to protect finances. Petitioner can be a defensive legal strategy.

 

If your attorney got the message from you that your #1 desire is to maintain this marriage - then yes, filing could be construed as aggressive. I must admit, your posture here is that of a pleaser. An unwilling fighter for your own best financial interest. I get that you're in pain and misery. I get that you are lacking a great deal of knowledge. Interesting to me is that after your preliminary legal consultations you've not mentioned:

 

1 Rules of your state regarding filing. Some states require a separation of 1 year prior to filing.

 

2. Does your state recognize and penalize infidelity?

 

3. Is your stats a common property one?

 

4. What's your ability to lock him out and obtain an emergency court order for him to pay your expenses until the final decree.

 

These are facts you need to know and understand.

[Misadventure]

I think you are right. I think I need to do that. I think this week ( I think it talked about it somewhere on the must read list), I will start taking pictures down and boxing them up. Such a pity... you know how much was now wasted on wedding photos.

 

editing.

 

 

 

1 Rules of your state regarding filing. Some states require a separation of 1 year prior to filing.

 

2. Does your state recognize and penalize infidelity?

 

3. Is your stats a common property one?

 

4. What's your ability to lock him out and obtain an emergency court order for him to pay your expenses until the final decree.

 

These are facts you need to know and understand.

 

- Legal separation not required or even valid (Fl). No time needed before can file for divorce.

- Legally no, does not penalize infidelity but if it goes to court, the attorney I will be retaining said the judges in this county do not look at the person who cheated in a good light and that can help my case financially. BUT how do I prove it?

- Equitable Distribution

- Because he has not filed yet, I can't do so. When he files, I can. (When I said "we" before, I said we are hiring, I meant myself and my family who is helping pay for retainer). Even now because it's been 30 days I can change the locks...BUT he can break in and would be fine... Thing is, last time he was here to get items, he was 10 shades of p*ssed because the glass door in front of the house was locked, locking him out.

 

It's been barely over a month for me... I am still trying to "face" this so bare with me..there are days I still just can't believe it. Days that I spend on the floor of my bedroom in tears because I won't ever have my life back. This is just very very hard.

 

My life has literally been pulled from under me without even consulting me, letting me know..blindsiding me..I am just trying to cope day to day.. I know I need to think about the future at some point but I am not there yet..everything still hurts so badly.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Misadventure

[Yasuandio]

Prove his infidelity by discussing it with him. Tape record discussion. Talk to him about how much it has hurt you. Ask him if he iOS willing to change his mind - BS like that. Sit back and listen. Give him some beer and salty snacks while you interrogate him. Use a digital time stamp recorder - read the headlines/date time stamp on the internet on-line news just before appointment, and just after the download. Make darn sure you know how to operate device before hand. Do it a few times too. Be sure to always have a nice deli salami sand-which and some Dark Beck in the Fridge, in case he stops by.

 

Do not have any realtion with him at all. That is know as condoning his wrongdoing, and also referred as "forgiveness sex" under the law.

 

Also, sex of any kind means your marriage has once again been consummated, under the law - making any previous divororce filing null and void.

[Balzac]

I doubt if this divorce will see litigation. Your use of the word "court" is vague and I believe misunderstood. A judge will sign the final decree. I'd say that all other factors will be by agreement. You're both young, it's a short marriage and no home equity. Unlikely he has major 401k wealth.

What I'm telling you is this case won't go to a trial.

Therefore, don't put your energy into documenting infidelity.

[Yasuandio]

It doesn't take a lot of energy to capture a tape recording from a jerk like this guy, Balzac. And it may be a useful mediation bargaining chip to have in her back pocket - just in case. (A tape recording got me ten years of alimony. Even though my situation is completely different, the defendant kept lying even after the tape recording exposed him. Liars get the book thrown at them. Tapes can serve multiple purposes). You just never know how jerky people are going to be - long or short marriage. And none of us know what she is entitled to, yet. That guy may have hidden some assets. We don't know nothing. She should have all truth in her corner possible in my opinion.

[Balzac]

I need to respect and acknowledge that your parents may be very willing to fund and encourage litigation. That scenario nets you not money from your stbexH but rather it forces him to spend whatever marital assets exist to fund lawyer bills. Of course that's an available legal strategy. Perhaps that's what you'd choose. It's really all about how much your potential atty charges per your. Top litigators often charge $500/ hour.

[Balzac]

It doesn't take a lot of energy to capture a tape recording from a jerk like this guy, Balzac. And it may be a useful mediation bargaining chip to have in her back pocket - just in case. (A tape recording got me ten years of alimony. Even though my situation is completely different, the defendant kept lying even after the tape recording exposed him. Liars get the book thrown at them. Tapes can serve multiple purposes). You just never know how jerky people are going to be - long or short marriage. And none of us know what she is entitled to, yet. That guy may have hidden some assets. We don't know nothing. She should have all truth in her corner possible in my opinion.

 

No disagreement. It's all about capable and aggressive discovery and a capable, experienced litigator combined w forensic accountant add investigator - few secrets remain. Litigated divorces are rarely about secrets.

[Yasuandio]

Just cause you collect a little evidence doesn't mean you have to go all Perry Mason.

 

It is that evidence that will make him shut up - and settle this matter out of court "tout sweet" when he hears his attmittance on tape.

 

The guy doesn't want to lose all his assets in litigation, and neither do you. I promise you, that is not a good idea. These $500 attorneys are all about theatrics, and seem to be personal friends - from my observations. They are racking in the dough - and laughing at their wealthy clients, all the way to the bank.

 

Your husband just believes you are too heartbroken to fight. Get your ducks in a row, your evidence in order, serve him, get a mediation proposal ready, with consequences. And that's that. Do not talk to him, after you get what you need. It is over now. Yas

 

PS. If your parents what to throw around some money - have them put a PI on him for a couple evenings. That will cost $5000. You tape is just as good though.

[Misadventure]

Yas, that's the thing. We don't even talk really. When he stops by it is unannounced, there is almost no conversation while he gets items etc except this last time..The second time he had stopped by was the end of the second week after he left...I was still in the "I love you" mode and "why"... I asked point blank if there was someone else or he was thinking of someone else, or had been talking to someone else or anything...he had said no. But really.. is he going to tell me the truth?

 

He has been deceitful this whole time, no idea when he had checked out of the marriage, he had been "looking at his options" at apartments.

 

I also had asked if there was a chance for us to both "try", whatever it was, to give us a chance for at least 6 months and then see..and he had said no. I asked about counseling and he said that counseling would not change his feelings. He "wants butterflies". Effing -----!! Never going to look at butterflies the same again.

 

Last time he was here last week (when I had stopped the begging, pleading, I love you's and was just hurt and angry at him)...he pretty much picked up most of his items..what could he come back for...really nothing.

 

I am hoping the dogs get over him as well..everytime a car passes or is close, they run to the window and look out...one has been so depressed she has licked her paws bloody. He absolutely does not give a flying F what he has done to me emotionally or the dogs.

 

Yas, I will have a sandwich here just in case and beer but IDK....

[Balzac]

These $500 attorneys are all about theatrics, and seem to be personal friends - from my observations. They are racking in the dough - and laughing at their wealthy clients, all the way to the bank.

 

Oh my. Friends from law school or across the fence friends in the neighborhood, they battle each other by virtue of oath and passion. No lawyer laughs at a paying client. FWIW $500 is not an outlandish fee. Many charge $700 or more.

They charge because they get results.

 

As I've said here, often litigation is to extract a measure of consequence and not to preserve marital wealth. Many a parent has forced a SIL or DIL to cry uncle and crawl to ask for mercy.

[Misadventure]

Edit (wouldn't let me edit, this is what I meant to write at bottom):

 

Yas, I will have a sandwich here just in case (you can guarantee a big NO on any "relations") and beer but IDK....if he keeps on that there is no one..and I can find that there is....most likely this will eventually be settled in mediation...It is me who has had to bare the emotional crud of this while he is carefree and feels nothing....yes, it's a short term marriage but I have been PT this entire time, caring for the house, planning for a family while he makes over 5 times what I do (maybe 6)..and its me who has to get my life together without much of a notice due to him...so one reason for that lawyer I really like is because he will fight for me..I don't want to walk empty handed from these years and he is not going to be able to throw me away like trash so easy.

 

Considering a PI..but instead what about a GPS I can insert in the car? No papers have been filed, still my car technically. I hate to be like this, its just not me..

Edited August 11, 2013 by Misadventure

[Balzac]

Unfortunately life is unfair. Add that to "all is fair in love and war."

 

You chose to under earn. That was apparently by agreement and that's fine. Comparing what his salary is to your's is relevant only as marital debt is assigned. Often in these cases bankruptcy filing accompanies divorce.

House absent equity and likely additional debt, it makes sense.

[Janesays]

For the record, I was only married 8 years, no children, and I still managed to snag $2000 a month in alimony from my ex that lasted 2.5 years. The rule here is 1 year of alimony per 3 years of marriage. Our house was ALSO underwater and he was forced to assume that debt by himself.

 

Now I don't live in FL, so I'm not saying that the OP's case will turn out similarly. All I'm saying is that the person best qualified to predict the OP's financial future is the OP's lawyer.

Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WreckedDan]

Hey Mis,

 

The legal stuff I'm not so good with, however check out the "Moderate means" program in your area, this helped me a ton! I was quated 15k, 7k, and 1k by different lawyers before I checked them out and bam they hooked me up with anawesome lawyer on the cheap.

 

As to the rest, grats on getting the 180 mentality started! That helps a lot. You will stumble, no getting past that. But it's a learning experience each time. And it's a part of regrowing your "self". I'll add more when I can, just wanted to swing by and give ya...

 

*Hugs*

Dan

[Misadventure]

 

Now I don't live in FL, so I'm not saying that the OP's case will turn out similarly. All I'm saying is that the person best qualified to predict the OP's financial future is the OP's lawyer.

 

 

So far this lawyer thinks we may have a good case for support for awhile. I am crossing my fingers. I just want to be able to have the means for awhile to get back on my feet and figure out what I want to do with my life now, and I need time...Jane, it HAS been rough. I am not at day one at least which was nearly comatose, shaking...I had to flush down sleep meds just to not be tempted because the pain was overwhelming...It was very bad. The worst I ever felt in my life.

 

Today is not that day but its a struggle daily of not being immobilized by the hurt and tears. Being completely forsaken by the one person I loved with all my heart.

 

Seriously, thank you for being there and everyone...I am grateful I stumbled upon this board.

 

Hey Mis,

 

The legal stuff I'm not so good with, however check out the "Moderate means" program in your area, this helped me a ton! I was quated 15k, 7k, and 1k by different lawyers before I checked them out and bam they hooked me up with anawesome lawyer on the cheap.

 

As to the rest, grats on getting the 180 mentality started! That helps a lot. You will stumble, no getting past that. But it's a learning experience each time. And it's a part of regrowing your "self". I'll add more when I can, just wanted to swing by and give ya...

 

*Hugs*

Dan

 

Thank you, I will look this up. I am going to try the gym for a bit and come back and read. I will read up on that. I guess I just don't know yet how to regrow myself but I have no choice, right? Ty for swinging by, Dan.

 

Worst moments are the night time...any tips for making it through without feeling like sludge?

Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yasuandio]

The GPS was an excellent system. I had them velcro-ed in the plastic bumbers of both cars for a couple years. I knew where he was at all times - right there on my computer screen.

 

Forget the GPS now Hon. It is too late for that, legally speaking. You are separated and he has a right to privacy - and that vehicle is for his private use now. That said, sometimes people break the law. It's sneaky, an invasion of privacy at the very least, maybe some other worse offense (you never know - it could be considered some Federal Offense like wire-tapping, cause your spying on his activites through the Internet). If you got caught, I don't know what would happen. That is why it is best to try not to break the law, then you never have to worry about getting into trouble.

 

But all a GPS really tells you is where a vehicle is located. That is all. It tells you nothing about the person or what they do. Just where and when the vehicle stops and goes and ends up, and the time. BJ's could be going on in the unlocked car while it is in a Target parking lot, while your husband is actually at work and only loaned his car out. GPS can be so misleading, yet so informative. But I learned many years later that it takes a trained eye to interpret GPS data. And that is so true. There were many patterns in the data that I never noticed because of my tunnel vision (just looking for his car at some girl's house). For instance, his car was deeply concealed in a nearby park, two day a week, just before 8am, for years. 45 minites or so. This turned out to be very significant, indeed. Best to get a professional.

 

The only exception that eould allow you to install a GPS would be if you are currently sharing the vehicle. And no - it doesn't matter whose name is on the car, end of story.

 

Have your stuff ready at home - recorder can be got at WALMART for $39.00. Get learning the thing right away. Download it the stuff, and practice so u will be an expert. No phone recording. That is illigal. So is leaving a recorder in the car. Just a nice tally talk in the kitchen. Salty snacks, chips, deli sandswhich, and a strong a&& imported beer (Ginness, Becks). Then start reminiscing. If he asks about the beer, tell him, you have it there for a friend that has been visiting.

 

If you don't get anything, just have your parents do the PI. It's always a good idea to give the PI a lead - like an address, possible time, place, phone number, contact or something. You don't want to pay them to sit on their fannies sipping Starbucks and eating Burger Kings. BTW, you can save a lot by getting a small firm that just works with one person on the job. This isn't CSI. You don't need to pay for 2-3 guys tailing him.

 

Answers are most likely in your computer hard-drive, email records, and phone detail records. Can you access phone records? If so, analyze them. Start with the call that he talks to for a long time. Then you can find out who it in for only $5.00 thru Intellus, and sometimes even for free on Google. Geeksquad or another such company may be able to pull all the passwords and locations he has been visiting as well - that is if you have access to the computer.

 

The longer you wait - the faster the resources dry up. The PI will know what to do. But they are just like attorneys - they will run the bill up. So use your common sense - try to focus the investigation for the PI.

Edited August 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So we all agree you should hire the lawyer. Why? So you take control back. So you get sole legal use of the house, temporary support and he can't stop paying household bills. You don't accrue any more debt.

 

There are a number of things you can do to find out about the cheating. But it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to the court.

 

It MAY matter to him, his career, and may help with negotiation, and may not. It may help you know why he's a zombie, it may not.

 

IF you want, call a couple licensed PIs in your area. They will give you prices.

 

You should however, get a VAR, voice activated recorder. Keep one on you at all times, put one in the house when you leave. This is for your protection. It keeps a record of what he says if he interacts with you and you cannot avoid it.

 

It is likely that it is not all that hard to find out about the cheating. People think its hard, but really it's not, if you are looking. Most people are not looking. Private message me if you want some ideas. Again, doesn't matter to anyone but you, and you might not really want to know.

 

Take your dog to the vet and get it on meds, poor baby.

 

You are doing good.

[Yasuandio]

Yes, I forgot about your poor doggie. My dog now 9 year old Athena, minature Eskimo Spitz went thru depression also. It started when I got sick myself (from a failed dental procedure) and lost a lot of weight during the separation. And I was one the same dose of blood pressure medication, even though I had dropped 40 pounds. I could barely get up. Athena started sleeping on my back, when I was passed out on my face on the couch for days at a time. I think the dog knew instinctively that my heart rate was too slow due to the overdose of BP med.

 

Finially, the doctors figured out why I was falling down, and having so many accidents in the house. Once corrected, Athena and I both just sat in silence for months and months. I know she missed him so much. She really was "his dog." She used to jump up high into his arms when he would come home from work. The two of us were so sad to have been abandoned.

 

I got an idea about getting a puppy, after careful consideration, I went thru with it. Our new boy, "Nike," a little Toy Eskimo Spitz was full of energy - and did not have any mental issues like Athena and me. The little pisser was a pain is the a&& for awhile, and me and Athena would try to get away from him by hiding up on the big couch where he couldn't reach us. He brought a lot of life and energy into the house. And when Mommy needed to rest, Athena took over and kept the lil' pisser from bugging me. Athena also took over training Nike, and showing him how to act right - which kept her busy, cause this little guy was always wanting to make trouble!

 

That was 2 1/2 years ago. They love each other, and we are what I call a "New Family.". I am happy I went thru with the little puppy. Nike got me off my rear end, and provides a good dog companion for Athena. Something to consider Hon.

 

My therapist at the time strongly advised against this. But I think Athena would have died by now if Nike hadn't been around. Because - I have not been around enough, mentally, these past years. Nike, filled that gap. He is very small, and this breed is clean, no dog smell, and no barking crap. Now, I have never had a boy dog before, and there was one surprise, perhaps due to his outstanding pure breed pedigree. That is, I was a little taken aback by the size of his "lipstick," OMG!

 

Yas

Edited August 11, 2013 by Yasuandio

[William]

Members, let's remain focused on the thread starter's topic and refrain from cross-talk. Thanks. Some editing has been performed. Carry on.