Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[WreckedDan]

Mis,

For me it was waking up that was hardest... I think nights were kinda numb because I beat myself up so much during the day there wasn't much left in me. Everyone says avoid drinking, and I'll second that, especially if you have an addictive personality. I used Netflix to find stuff me and the ex never watched... gave me a way to zone out... Books are useless... couldn't focus fer sh*t. Mornings were an unavoidable mess for me, I literally had to bawl my eyes out until it went away then get up and find something to do, make myself do it and just keep moving or go back to bed. I've heard meditation works for some, but being alone in my head during that time was no good. Browsing this site until I was too tired to stay awake helped... find long threads and walk through them with the posters, helped me see through the tunnel some. Especially "Through the Separation Jungle" excellent read! Lastly; find a great friend, might be someone you didn't even realize was there for you until you let them in... text the hell out of them... but give them breaks from time to time so they don't get sick of you =)

 

Hope that helped,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

I'd like to add something here... you are moving through stages WAY FAST... I'm really surprised actually... seems to me to be a good sign.. took me well over a month to come out of the first fog where I could fell anything but depression... the fact you are moving from that to anger and into other thoughts is amazing really... oh and I like Ellipses sorry =)

 

My 2c

Dan

[darkmoon]

do nothing without a lawyer, money is at stake atmo

 

out of court settlements are based on ppl being more amicable than you two

 

you might even end up back together, seen that before now, but not right now

[tryingtoevolve]

I accidentally posted this as a reply on the wrong thread but it was meant for you...

 

Read everything you can, Google "married to a narcissist". Read about signs and behavioral symptoms of those with personality disorders. Seriously, do the math. If it adds up to yes. You'll have less unanswered questions.

[Misadventure]

So glad I woke up today on my day off and read your replies. Before I get into things..what does this mean you think..."crossing my fingers but not holding my breath"..I received a notification that he put this on his Fb...My head is so foggy right now to really think about this (and the lawyer I hope to retain told me to remain his Fb friend for now..).

 

Yesterday was kinda hard..my family is well meaning and very supportive but yesterday when we ran into a family friend who we hadn't seen since my wedding...My mom said "she is going through a hard time right now, going through a divorce"... I don't think I have verbally said this out loud to someone not related to me, a counselor, or a friend..and I literally just started tearing up badly. The tears just came and wouldn't stop and the gaping hole inside me just echoed so many words and questions and hurt that will be left unanswered.

 

Yas and Is, yes going to take my dog in a bit sometime this week (when can get appt) to the vet, her poor paws are either so red or a bit bloody from her obsessive licking. My other dog just lays around rather depressed. My foster dog is happy as ever and couldn't care less. I wish I could feel even just a small amount of what my foster dog feels. I am relieved to know that having Nike helped Athena..furbabies I think help us with our own burdens but aren't equipped like we are (or supposed to be)....I am going to consider the PI thing..maybe someone in my rescue community can help, they have been asking how they can help in any way.

 

Moon, oh, you can guarantee that I have figured out that H in no way is looking out for any of my interests. He left me broke without any cash and any dog food and really didn't care. Even after that I told him how I loved him and lets give things a chance..wrote him another pathetic email..and I'm not sure quite when it happened after that probably after week 3 or beginning of week 4 when I started to eat..I wanted to stop being a pathetic begging fool in love. If he had wanted amicable he would have aimed not to hurt me, not to break vows, not to leave me destitute, and to have some ounce of respect, decency and conscience of what he was doing and how he was treating someone he has been with for yrs and now throwing away like a piece of garbage.

 

Evolve, I will read about that today..thank you for mentioning that...obviously my eyes were closed to alot of things.

 

Dan, I sent an email in my area asking about moderate means..if that will help me with this lawyer, that will help alot. I never read the thread about the Separation Jungle, I will go and take a look. Yeah, I have two friends (they are together) that have been checking on me everyday the first 3 weeks..giving them a break this week..You have no idea how relieved I am to have found this forum. Mornings...some (alot) days are hard..I feel like I want to stay in bed and just sleep and hide from the world and not face things..but then I have my dogs licking my feet asking to go to the bathroom, have a walk and have food. The nights...so so very hard...I feel the emptiness of the house..the silence..the whispers in the hall of what could have been and just won't ever be...shows don't really help because I can't focus on them..my mind will drift...My one friend in Las Vegas sometimes calls me at night and helps talk me to sleep. I don't know what stage I am in...I feel anger sometimes where as before all I felt was hurt and sad and empty...It's been a month and almost a half. The first three weeks I couldn't hold down food and I was literally just a shell...crying..empty...would just sit and stare out the window for what seemed endless hours..

 

At the end of week 3..two other of my friends (married couple) came and knocked on my door..and literally threw me in the shower and told me they were going to go and force sushi down my throat. Which..word to the wise..if you are starting to eat again..sushi isn't a good starter...and the wasabi does not taste great on its way back out..They have a busy life of their own so haven't seen them too much since but they were here for me for probably 8 hours of that night..and kinda willed me to eat..so I slowly started eating again...hated it at first...everything tasted like metal. I can't eat a big full meal still or even 3 meals a day..its more like breakfast..and a meal replacement..and maybe a small salad or something small...Even Pizza doesn't sound appetizing yet. Chocolate has been thrust in my face so many times, and I have no interest. This is unheard of.

 

I think this past week there was maybe one day I didn't shed a tear but everyday otherwise..at some point..I cried. I think the anger comes in small little waves trying to enter and remind me it's there waiting for me.

 

I was at least able to joke about H's sexual shortcomings yesterday with my Mom..I think I was tired of being sad for the day and then I said out loud.."You know, I hope whoever he is with will silently laugh at his 15 to 20 minutes of the little engine that could..and some things in life should NOT be two toned...I really don't think I will be able to look like a white and brown spotted cow the same way again." Now granted I was being serious but my mother was unprepared...drinking iced tea...driving. I guess not a great time to suddenly say that out loud.

 

This morning..very tempted to go back to bed..but..I think I will walk the dogs again...and read..clean..I know I just don't want to fill my day with tears (even though probably sometime that will happen today)...he surely is not giving me any second of thought. It would be nice to not "feel".

 

PS- I did get the VAR.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Misadventure

[Balzac]

How many days a week is your PT job? I'm confused about how frequently you get out of the house?

[Misadventure]

Balzac, I guess thats another dilemma, I work from home PT but its 5 days a week just not 8 hours a day, but I have been picking up hours and also I have been applying for other positions at the company I work for but I guess it's a process. I have been "going in" more to the actual location just to get out and work there instead but I don't have to.

[Balzac]

I'd encourage you to get out of your house to do the work. If not to the office then the library or a coffee shop or a hotel lobby.

 

Out of curiosity, did all 3 lawyers advise you to wait and sit this out?

[Misadventure]

Balzac, they asked what I wanted. I don't really know but I know I am not the one who wanted a divorce and left..but I am seriously emotionally compromised..one of them said I should be the aggressor (one who files). The others didn't really say either way too much ..except to wait if I was not sure what to do...but let me know my entitlements.

[Balzac]

That explains it. Thanks.

[Misadventure]

Any thoughts on "crossing my fingers but not holding my breath"?

[Balzac]

He's hoping its all but done but not certain about the process. That's my take. Six weeks and no lawyer or filing is all great to him. He's totally got your number.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Any thoughts on "crossing my fingers but not holding my breath"?

 

I think he is hoping his meanness got to you. Or maybe that he will be moving closer to new girlfriend. Nothing good or worth your energy, I promise.

 

I agree with other posters. Get out of the house and apply for jobs at Starbucks or something. You do need to get out of the house every day.

 

Have a good day.

[Misadventure]

Yes I think I need to get out more. I guess nothing worth really thinking about with his quote since it's been along the same lines..cold..emotionless...

 

Balzac, what do you mean...he's got my number..It's been really hard for me. Of course I haven't thought about filing when he's the one who left...I barely started eating again. This has left me in a seriously bad way emotionally.

[darkmoon]

Any thoughts on "crossing my fingers but not holding my breath"?

 

live your life at your own convenience, listen to Balzac, he is savvy in business, follow the money, never a bad move ((hugs))

Edited August 12, 2013 by darkmoon

[Janesays]

My ex didn't file either. Remember, this is all about the $$ for him and filing costs $$. He's going to drag his feet until you file. Might as well give him what he wants...filing generally doesn't make you look any better or worse in court. And it's better than being stuck in limbo for weeks or months.

 

Then slap him with those temporary orders for support, etc.

 

What I found helped me is music. But not music about heartbreak or love or loss. Try listening to upbeat music about dancing, or being strong, and kicking butt. If if you don't feel like listening to that sort of music at first, force yourself. Eventually, your body will just get TIRED of being down and depressed. You'll feel yourself start to tap your feet here and there...

[Misadventure]

Thank you...today I did take ALL dogs on a walk at once and they played in the water fountain..dripping wet...then I got them home and then said "Oh no, H is going to yell about them being wet".... Oh wait... they can be as wet as they want!

 

So I actually made them treats today...I am trying to just keep busy and later will be going to the gym.

 

Should I or should I not call the insurance company to ask about the roof?

 

Jane..(edit) its been just over a month... I never wanted this..for now, the way I look at it, he has hurt and broken me and doesn't give one flying Eff...why should I give him anything he wants. HE left..not me.. I was the one blindsided, still holding my heart out...if he wanted this he is going to have to tough it out and bare the inconvenience while I have to bare the pain....who knows...I may eventually be at that point where I want to file ...just right now, I am too hurt to do so and too much in pain..mt heart literally hurts.

 

I am going to use this time here in my house for as long as its mine to heal and figure out what I want....I just want the sadness and just despair to go away is the tough part. I know he isn't giving me one thought..which is so sad after our yrs together..I want to be happy again one day...and really laugh.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Misadventure

[Balzac]

 

Should I or should I not call the insurance company to ask about the roof?

 

You seem determined to be the cooperative victim. You've asked this many times. You stated clearly that you do not have a claim. I've never heard of buying a roof from an insurance company. In that I'd say YES because now I'm dying to know how that call goes for you. I learn something everyday.

[Balzac]

Look-what's happened in your life is horrific. I'm truly sorry it's thrown you back on your heels. I fully support that you need to grieve in your own way at your own pace. You're feelings are valid because feelings are not right nor wrong.

 

LSers are here to support you and answer your questions. Help you to get out of bed and dry your tears.

 

 

That being said / some of what you say is hilarious. Intended or not, you can be quite amusing.

[Janesays]

 

Jane..(edit) its been just over a month... I never wanted this..for now, the way I look at it, he has hurt and broken me and doesn't give one flying Eff...why should I give him anything he wants. HE left..not me.. I was the one blindsided, still holding my heart out...if he wanted this he is going to have to tough it out and bare the inconvenience while I have to bare the pain....who knows...I may eventually be at that point where I want to file ...just right now, I am too hurt to do so and too much in pain..mt heart literally hurts.

 

You file for two very good reasons:

 

1. Legally the longer you go without a temporary support order, the more it looks like you DON'T NEED spousal support as you have shown that you have supported yourself for the MONTHS it took him to file. Not only that, but you are giving him more TIME to spend money, hide assets, and live life without legal scrutiny. Every month you go without filing means LESS $$ for you.

 

2. The fear you feel about your future will only get worse, not better, if you remain stuck in limbo.

 

 

He has everything to gain by not filing. As the weeks and months drag on, he knows that he is going to have to give you less and less. Which is why he's not filing. I mean, if filing benefited him in the least, he would have filed WEEKS AGO.

 

The only one who benefits from this divorce proceeding quickly is YOU. So why aren't you filing again?

 

Take some control of your future. You'll only feel like a victim for as long as you act like one.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Janesays

[Misadventure]

Wow, Jane.. I didn't look at it that way. I will really think about this. Right now he is the one paying the mortgage, I wouldn't be able to on my own at my current job/position. TY for some insight.

[Janesays]

Wow, Jane.. I didn't look at it that way. I will really think about this. Right now he is the one paying the mortgage, I wouldn't be able to on my own at my current job/position. TY for some insight.

 

You keep looking at things emotionally. You're thinking, "The fact that he's not filing shows he's feeling SOMETHING about ending this marriage...maybe secretly, this is hurting him too! Maybe he'll change his mind."

 

It's a crock of crap and I'm going to tell you to toughen up now so you don't have to face it later.

 

He's out there right now, gleefully making love to his new girlfriend and treating her to dinner because he has ALL THIS EXTRA CASH lying around since SOMEONE (Oh? My wife? Who's that?) isn't filing for divorce and slapping him with temporary orders and freezing all the accounts so he legally CAN'T buy his new girlfriend that necklace she's angling for....

 

You need to dig deep and find some fight in you. This man is playing you for a FOOL right now. Quit letting him.

[Misadventure]

A part of me wants so much to think that a part of him at least has a conscience and still thinks of me.. but I am starting to see..I will think alot about this... I just don't think I am emotionally ready to file. I will think about this alot....Cause you gave me some important things to consider.

[Janesays]

A part of me wants so much to think that a part of him at least has a conscience and still thinks of me.. but I am starting to see..I will think alot about this... I just don't think I am emotionally ready to file. I will think about this alot....Cause you gave me some important things to consider.

 

Darling, you can't afford to be emotional right now. Right now, the only thing you can afford to be is a fighter.

 

When I slapped my ex with his temporary orders, it was the beginning of the end for him and his new chickie. See, she was ALSO only in on it for the money and once that started drying up, she started loosing interest in him. She officially dumped him the day our divorce was finalized when she realized that for a good 2.5 years his paycheck was going to take a great big HIT.

 

So ultimately, what goes around, comes around. But only because I had the will in me to fight.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Janesays

[It-is-what-it-is.]

A part of me wants so much to think that a part of him at least has a conscience and still thinks of me.. but I am starting to see..I will think alot about this... I just don't think I am emotionally ready to file. I will think about this alot....Cause you gave me some important things to consider.

 

Mis,

Jane is giving you good advice. I am going to give you a little more.

 

Stop thinking of this emotionally. Just stop. This is now business, and you cannot afford to be a pussy. You will still have plenty of time to deal with your emotions. BUT if you do not protect your assets this will become a terribly expensive self indulgence.

 

So.

 

ROOF. I have owned several houses. The ONLY reasons an insurance company is involved are 1) some kind of claimable damage (hurricane, storm , fire) 2) your roof is in "substantially worse condition, so they are terminating your policy or 3) it is required to change policy holders. There is nothing for you to do in any of those circumstances. Not doing anything will not look bad for you. You can't afford to fix anything anyway, since you don't have any support in place.

 

TEMP SUPPORT. You need to do this now. For exactly the reasons Jane said. You need to get that in place NOW. this does not mean you agree or condone or are emotionally ready to fold, this is to pay your bills, care for your dogs and not be desitute. Getting support now should be your primary focus. Stop thinking about this and take the advice given. You need to take care of your financial future.

 

FILING You need to do whatever is legal in your state to get legal orders in place for temporary support. You need to also file so that you are not legally responsible for any debts he is accruing now. You are not doing this to divorce, but to protect yourself from someone who has demonstrated he does not have your best interests in mind.

 

I know you are internally a mess. I know filing feels like doing the dirty for him, but this is business. Treat it like business. Make the smart actions. Get the best lawyer who will look out for your interests and do it right away. Do not scrimp in this area because you don't have money to support yourself.

 

We will be here to help you with the emotional side. But seriously, you need a professional (lawyer) ASAP.

 

Are you listening?