Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[revitup]

MisA,

 

It's great to see you recognize some hidden things that were there all along.Looking at the situation as an outsider is how to best SEE it all.When we are in it,we can't see it but everyone on the outside does.

 

The hardest part is acceptance.This is in the 5 stages of grief articles which others here have mentioned,it will be good to read that.

 

Just get out some,the mall,the beach or just a park somewhere.For me it was the worst thing to sit around and ponder.I no longer care what she is doing.I do not care who she is doing it with.I do not care whether she is going to ever be normal.It takes time but you will also get here.The whole "thinking he/she will come to their senses stuff,will not help you or me.

 

If he did come to his senses,you would always have doubts and anger toward the way you were treated.Trust would be so hard it would make living together very difficult.Sex would never be the same.It could be done I guess,I just think starting fresh with someone else is the best route or just being single and free from the mental abuse.

 

They gave us the their "best" it just wasn't good enough.Now they are even more tainted.Why would we want them now?

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

So... day 2 on Pristiq...not sure how I feel. Had a hard time sleeping last night even though I was very tired. This is going to sound weird...but its like my head has a minty fresh feeling inside..kinda warm...and I do feel a little jittery..not like outwardly shakey but inward. Maybe this is normal the first couple weeks to get absorbed in your body chemistry? I was tempted not to take it this morning because of this...but then I realized...isn't it worth doing even if it curbs me wanting to cry all the time?

 

Great to read you're breathing and moving around!!! . It's a new job to putt yourself as a priority.

 

It feels good to have something go positive..and not "be just in my head"..you all are right.. I need to be out more also. It does feel weird to put myself only as number one..I was at the store yesterday (first time in a big supermarket since this happened)..and I felt lost...what the heck do I get..for me! International delight Creamer was a good start...but besides that, it took a while. I never realized before how much I had shopped around his wants, his needs, what he would like more so than mine.

 

You are doing really well! I'm pretty amazed by your progress. Helping your "Uncle" is a step... it lets your mind look at the same thing from the outside... this is why I post on other's threads kind of like teachers learn more from their students.

 

If you haven't yet, look up the 5 stages of grief on a few sites. I found that it helped me to see what I was going through and why some times. When I was at my lowest I spent a lot of time reading about ways to deal with depression including a site I went to probably 3 or 4 times a day Areason.org....

 

Well the day before yesterday I was kinda a mess..yesterday better..today at least I didn't wake up with tears..and I am looking forward to spending time with my family later after work. Yes with my "uncle"..when he was telling me what he had been doing the first day or two and begging, pleading, crying and reminding her of her home.and how she didn't say too much back but she cried too...I recognized it..I told him to stop. Told him just make one declarative sentence so she knows where you stand and stop begging, its going to push her even more away. Difference here is I know she loves him and wants to come back I think she just wanted some time to clear her head for her own self. I see her going back soon. Where as with me...I still cannot believe some nights that he is gone..I have left his side of the bed untouched except for the dogs laying there...what I need to do is sleep in the middle and make the bed my own maybe. I think I am getting out of denial because I know it did happen..its just hard to accept and face.

 

I will go look at that website, I think I need to start reading on those phases and try and accept things more...cause whether I like it or not..it is happening and I don't like the wallowing person I have become.

 

 

 

Just get out some,the mall,the beach or just a park somewhere.For me it was the worst thing to sit around and ponder.I no longer care what she is doing.I do not care who she is doing it with.I do not care whether she is going to ever be normal.It takes time but you will also get here.The whole "thinking he/she will come to their senses stuff,will not help you or me.

 

If he did come to his senses,you would always have doubts and anger toward the way you were treated.Trust would be so hard it would make living together very difficult.Sex would never be the same.It could be done I guess,I just think starting fresh with someone else is the best route or just being single and free from the mental abuse.

 

They gave us the their "best" it just wasn't good enough.Now they are even more tainted.Why would we want them now?

 

REVITUP

 

I thought about that long and hard..because he has not filed yet so I questioned what this meant...for a while it allowed some hope..but then I thought..I can't ever trust him. Not only that but now I see what he is capable of....you have some good points..his "best" was not ever complimenting me unless I asked how I looked and it was either good or fine...(and this is how he is even from the beginning and I "accepted" it)..and his "best" is limited on expressing feelings or even talking..His best was 15- 20 minutes...so if the person after me gets less than what I got...

I guess I just question if someone can bring out the qualities in him that I couldn't? But I guess I need to stop asking that..the what if's bother me...and what is he doing now...But I guess this is a process and I will start eventually not to think it.

 

Thank you guys.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hi Mis,

 

You really are doing so good. Try this to redirect your thoughts from him to you in a positive way. Celebrate all the independent choices where you decide just for you.

 

1. What do you want to eat for dinner? Peanuts and coffee for dinner? Done.

 

2. Want to watch LIFETIME movie marathon? Done.

 

3. Give dogs, snugly, unconditional love the other side of the bed? Done.

 

4. Get up early, sleep late, whatever. Done.

 

Celebrate each achievement. Getting on meds (yeah) getting a lawyer (yeah)

 

I know it's sorta fake it till you make it, but it works. (Sometimes)

 

Volunteering, helping others also helps you get out of your own head.

 

Keep with the meds. Your doctor should have told you that it will take x to build up stable drug (6 weeks?) and that side effects are x and will either end within two weeks or not (and you need to change meds). Call the office to have them tell you what those x are.

 

Thanks for updates too. (Mom hugs)

[revitup]

I guess I just question if someone can bring out the qualities in him that I couldn't?

 

They won't,the qualities were never there in the first place!

 

15 minute man will always be just that and then it will get to 10 minute man!

 

You on the other hand will double your pleasure with just a 30 minute man,think about that.This guy has actually made it very easy for the next man to look very good "in comparison".So he actually has done the real men a favor!

 

Oh yeah,I did the whole "I will just leave everything just as it was" stuff.....this week I took the Husqvarna lawn tractor and ran over EVERY single rose that she planted! They all were planted in no particular order and no way to mow around them at all.

 

We also burned every article of clothing and personal junk of hers-I just do not want to see it.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

Is, yes..before I would help alot with my dog rescue and then when all this hit the fan, I had to take a break. I created/managed a website and daily updates/feeds..and I had to hand it over to some friends temporarily until I can get to a better emotional place. I am not close to ready yet..I can't even look at some of the pics yet that normally I would be posting up daily.

 

Yes, I find myself walking around the house before bed or after a shower rather bare..where as before..I would now and then but not as much. I let the dogs have free roam of the couch where as before they were not allowed..really not sure what else I do different..except everything IS different.

 

Rev, thanks for making me laugh. I think you are probably speaking the truth though..and I have to admit, would be great to be with someone who is creative in the bedroom on their own and lasted more than 15-20..His idea of foreplay...and he didn't want direction...well, lets just say I did count the speckles on the ceiling a few times.

 

The good qualities that were there are the ones I will miss...but right now I even have a hard time pinpointing them because of everything's that happened and all the negative.

 

I do want to get to that angry angry stage...he has some clothing here left...maybe a burning party on the firepit would be a good thing.

 

Going to go to the folks tonight with the doggies. Nights have been hard so going to try and relax at their house. Taking my laptop so probably be on later.

 

No tears today....at least that is something.

[WreckedDan]

Good for you Mis!

 

You have some serious inner strength! Once you get to.anger use that when you look back. Find the bad times. Find the times.when you thought "Meh, why am I still doing this?" In that moment you will find yourself thinking "Oh yeah, this wasn't right.." you are on this path, not because you chose it, but because it was best for YOU.

 

Loves,

Dan

[revitup]

MisA,You are on a journey,a long one.That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the journey!Maybe not all parts of the journey,but there will be many enjoyable moments mixed in with the normal pain of this journey.The key to it is seeing the good things when you are blessed enough to have them happen.

 

I think sometimes we all are prone to seeing and speaking about the storms in life...even after we have walked out of them.When I look back,I see times that I "went through" a storm and complained about it until I was in another one!So I didn't see the sunshine in between the storms.

 

As far as anger-I have been mad all day long today! It had nothing to do with STBXWW at all-I wish I could blame somebody,the truth is that I was just peeved all day at nothing.I really don't know what I was mad about.I think it may be a delayed emotion from a time when I should have been angry but somehow missed out? That's silly but hey,what else could I say?

 

As far as making you smile-you're welcome.I do my best.

 

And what about this "almost bare" stuff? Kinda made me blush a little.

 

Also, I saw those dogs on your couch last night. They looked happy!

 

Have a great night.....

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

Well, I wish your words were true..I feel like sh** right now...

Yesterday I think I was okay..positive...kept busy..was with family and dogs..

 

This morning he texted me (approx half hour after he was at work)..and was before my work..and said "Are you going to respond to my email about the roof? And have you decided on the house and doing the the cheap way?"

 

I hate this. Cold..emotionless..all business..like I was effing trash to take out and throw away.

 

I have not responded yet..no idea what to say. This just hurts.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Misadventure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well, I wish your words were true..I feel like sh** right now...

Yesterday I think I was okay..positive...kept busy..was with family and dogs..

 

This morning he texted me (approx half hour after he was at work)..and was before my work..and said "Are you going to respond to my email about the roof? And have you decided on the house and doing the the cheap way?"

 

I hate this. Cold..emotionless..all business..like I was effing trash to take out and throw away.

 

I have not responded yet..no idea what to say. This just hurts.

 

Best response is no response.

 

You need that lawyer.

[Misadventure]

I called.. (the lawyer not H)...and he is on vacation till Monday...

 

So all this time...during my zombie grieving shck moments in the first 3 weeks and 3 emails and never once did he respond...his only emails have been cold, emotionless and business pretty much...

 

But I don't want him coming by..that would make things worse for me I think..He has NOT called...only texted and emailed.

[revitup]

I hate this. Cold..emotionless..all business..like I was effing trash to take out and throw away.

 

I have not responded yet..no idea what to say. This just hurts.

 

MisA,

 

I am sorry you have to go through this,you are just "going through" it though.You are not going to camp out here in the pain area for very long.This hurt has the potential to help you heal and grow too.Use it as your catapult to a better you.It adds to the success story you will tell others here in a few short months.Then you will be an overcomer.

 

I have been there and had that done to me as well! It hurts all over and causes the questions inside of your head to begin, all over again.Their cold, dark,stares and business like attitudes sting.This shows their total lack of care or concern for our feelings.They do this for many reasons,it hurts us and that's all that matters to us.They sometimes do it to test us,I think, and because they carry a heavy guilt inside.I think it shows how much they really didn't care as deeply as we did, in the first place.We got a bad deal.They were lucky this time but next we will be the lucky ones.

 

Cold is something to remember about him.It's a side you may have ignored before.Now you see it.

 

You should say what you mean about the roof situation.It's your choice now.Take the initiative and tell him, in as few of words as possible, what your decision may be.It doesn't matter if he likes it or not.Tell him how it's gonna be and put the monkey squarely back on his shoulders.Do not decide to take this monkey as your own.It's also ok to tell him it's totally his responsibility and that he should man up and get to it ASAP.

 

Whatever you do,just don't go back and forth with texts and calls with him-it will set you back.It sets us all back when we get into that.I would tell him my decision and let him know I was so busy that I would not be around to handle the contractors or whatever.When he asks what you are doing-say that you have some old personal business to handle...out of town maybe.Be brief and hang up or stop texting after that.

 

Your days will get better.You are stronger now,it's just coming and going.That's normal.

 

Keep us in the loop with how you do with this.

 

REVITUP

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I called.. (the lawyer not H)...and he is on vacation till Monday...

 

So all this time...during my zombie grieving shck moments in the first 3 weeks and 3 emails and never once did he respond...his only emails have been cold, emotionless and business pretty much...

 

But I don't want him coming by..that would make things worse for me I think..He has NOT called...only texted and emailed.

 

THIS is why you need temp orders so you can legally change the locks.

 

I would not respond. Have someone stay with you to feel safe and to be there if he does come over.

 

I think he is cruel and poking you to upset you. Do not react.

[MsOptimist]

I haven't posted here in awhile, but I saw your post today and oh my it brought back everything that I went through just about a year ago - because it is extremely similar to how my exH ended my marriage.

 

The coldness, the abruptness - it truly was earth-shattering and it turns your life upside down in a heartbeat.

 

I just want to echo what others have already told, and tell you what helped me in those dark early months:

 

*You WILL come through this a stronger person, and you WILL be able to laugh, smile, and eat again. I promise. It takes time to start seeing that there's light eventually, but it's there.

 

*This WILL be for the best for you. Even if you don't believe that right now, keep saying it to yourself. You don't need someone who can treat you like this. My divorce has very much turned out to be the best thing for me - while the past year has been the hardest of my life, it has also been filled with discovering so much about myself, deepening my existing friendships, making new friendships, and seeing life in a whole new way. Realizing that nothing is permanent and being ok with that and enjoying the good things in life.

 

*Take care of yourself. Eat when you can. EXERCISE a lot. It will help so much mentally to clear your mind, and physically it will help to rebuild your self esteem because I'm sure it has taken a hit like mine did last year when the bomb was dropped.

 

*Make weekly To-Do lists. I know how overwhelming everything seems, so just focus on the next small steps each week. The unknown future is extremely scary, but as time moves on things won't look so bleak.

 

*Lean on friends and family and don't feel bad about it. I learned who my true support systems were and they were vital to my survival.

 

I have talked extensively with my exH post-separation about where his head was at in those initial cold days. He admitted that he did try to push me away as hard as he could because that was the only way he could have the guts to ignore the doubts in his mind about what he was doing.

 

He claims there was no one else during our marriage, but he admitted to wanting to find greener grass - and believe me he has gone through women like crazy since we separated and divorced, and I'm sure yours is doing the same thing either with one or multiple people. He had NO respect for me or our marriage - meaning I thought it was extremely heartless that all he cared about was dating and hooking up immediately after dropping the bomb on me. I was trying to pick myself up off the floor, plan my move, and figure out where the heck my life was going, and he didn't seem to care. That is NOT someone that I can respect. I chose to move to be closer to work, but he acted like he couldn't get me out of the house fast enough.

 

My exH DID try to come crawling back months later - I say this NOT to give you any hope of reconciling, but to warn you that yours may do the same thing, and that he'll likely be hit with a conscience months down the road when reality truly sinks in. He claimed to have realized that (surprise, surprise), he unfairly blamed me for everything, he didn't contribute to resolving the problems we had (or even letting me know what he wasn't happy with). Honestly it did make me feel a little better to know that he eventually felt regret over everything. He has said to me many times that if he could take it all back, he would.

 

You and I don't deserve to be treated like this, so the only option is to accept that the marriage was over and pick up the pieces for yourself. I could never take him back for fear that he would do the same thing all over again. I would never be able to trust him again.

 

Trust that things will eventually turn around for you. Just like my therapist told me initially, I am in SUCH a better place now than I was a year ago. You will get there too, I promise.

[revitup]

MsO stopped in!

 

Wow,I knew you were going to do great! I'm stoked for you,MsO:)

 

MsA,You will do the same thing as MsO,you will be smiling in a few short months.Your eyes will open and your good-heartedness will be your strong suit again.Long gone will be the days of wondering what this ding-a-ling H of yours means by anything he says or does! He will just not matter so much anymore,you will be BUSY,too busy to wonder anymore.

 

Wow this is a good day.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

MsO stopped in!

 

Wow,I knew you were going to do great! I'm stoked for you,MsO:)

 

MsA,You will do the same thing as MsO,you will be smiling in a few short months.Your eyes will open and your good-heartedness will be your strong suit again.Long gone will be the days of wondering what this ding-a-ling H of yours means by anything he says or does! He will just not matter so much anymore,you will be BUSY,too busy to wonder anymore.

 

Wow this is a good day.

 

REVITUP

 

MsA, definitely pay attention to what rev says here - it's true, you will eventually be busy living life to give your ex the time of day!

 

Rev, I'm approaching the 1 yr mark from when the separation started, and I will make a new post for it - exciting stuff is happening these days

 

And I'm seeing your screenname as MsAdventure, without the "i" - think of this new journey as an adventure. It will become exciting once the separating of everything gets resolved and the possibilities open up. Try to see the positives in anything and everything, no matter how small they may seem.

Edited August 15, 2013 by MsOptimist

[Misadventure]

Update..as I am home now.. (my home not my folks) and took a while to round up the dogs and get them home and fed, they were having fun for the first time really since he left us...5 dogs total (as they have 2).

 

He called but I was busy cleaning dog mess that I didn't get to my phone and when I did, I saw 2 missed calls and one was his. So tempted to call.....I did not.

 

This is the actual attempt at a phone call he has made in weeks (rest have been emails/texts). I got home and saw the caller ID, he had called here at the house as well.

 

Even though a part of me craves his voice...I know it would be more of the same cold..

BTW..I went over to thank the newer neighbors (been there like a yr) across the street who have been helping watch over the house when I leave now and then to go to my parents for a night..H has never cared or taken the time to get to know them or talk to them except if I was out there in the past...was drinking a beer with them and they were basically saying how anti-social and rude he was to them if not in my presence..if they were outside they would wave to him a few times...just found out today he would look at them, stare and walk away. They did witness my "purge" of profanity when he was here and I threw a knick knack thing on the driveway...they did an impression of me and "you effing a-hole" and /slam door (have to admit was funny)....then they watched him as he stood there, no emotion, and took pictures of it on the ground and cleaned it up and took it with him...they said it was very weird and he is grasping at straws...Then I proceeded to attempt darts in which I landed the first dart on the wooden border around the dartboard...I think I will be getting "out" more with my neighbors..I haven't felt like laughing in all this time, and I did tonight.

 

I think it shows how much they really didn't care as deeply as we did, in the first place.We got a bad deal.They were lucky this time but next we will be the lucky ones.

 

Cold is something to remember about him.It's a side you may have ignored before.Now you see it.

 

I do see it now but it cuts deep. Is he like this with whoever he is staying with or with? Probably not..What did I ever do...nothing. Except make myself too available to be his wife..and take a backseat while he takes the lead financially and career wise so we can concentrate on having a a family and providing a good home environment. Boy, was I duped. Now I have no idea at all what I want to do with my life.

 

You should say what you mean about the roof situation.It's your choice now.Take the initiative and tell him, in as few of words as possible, what your decision may be.It doesn't matter if he likes it or not.Tell him how it's gonna be and put the monkey squarely back on his shoulders.Do not decide to take this monkey as your own.It's also ok to tell him it's totally his responsibility and that he should man up and get to it ASAP.

 

Whatever you do,just don't go back and forth with texts and calls with him-it will set you back.It sets us all back when we get into that.I would tell him my decision and let him know I was so busy that I would not be around to handle the contractors or whatever.When he asks what you are doing-say that you have some old personal business to handle...out of town maybe.Be brief and hang up or stop texting after that.

 

Your days will get better.You are stronger now,it's just coming and going.That's normal.

 

Keep us in the loop with how you do with this.

 

As much as the urge to text or call back, I didn't. At some point I will have to about the roof..maybe just a short and blunt email..bottom line, I don't have to pay for the inspector and don't have the money since he took our marital funds or rather just cut me out of it). I will make myself available to the inspector once he has paid for it..But here is the thing..he has 190 days to do it..so why now? Unless its to show he will be too strapped paying for a new roof that he can't pay alimony..he makes 5-6 times more than I do...at least. Tomorrow what I plan to do is ask the insurance company about the process so that I know what time frame he has to put a new roof so insurance won't drop. I will keep posting daily I think...its been helping. Today I think started out ok until I saw the text...and things just flooded back. Rev, I guess I do have to go through this...it just royally sucks. I hate that he basically feels nothing and I am left with the emotional cart.

 

I think he is cruel and poking you to upset you. Do not react.

 

Is, I did already email my soon to be lawyer..he is not in town... I think H knows that I am still very hurt but all he can see is his own grass wanting to be greener and I am in his way of his single fantasy life and other women. It effing hurts...but.. I did not call or email or text. It is taking serious self control but...like Rev said, it will put me back at square one..he has been consistently cold, emotionless, etc..I think I need to see that the H is I knew and loved is no longer..or maybe I never really knew H like I thought (as many have said since I never saw this side).

 

MsO...your post really just echoed so much of what I feel. Earth shattering..Your entire post..wow.. I need to print it for me so I can really say alot if this to myself. Nights are the worst..I start going over everything..and yes, it hurts immensely him seeking greener grass/butterflies (or having it now) while basically throwing me away. He left...and now its a month and a half and he is no closer to coming back in this house then he was when he walked out..and I think he really thought I would tuck tail and run to my family's house and just leave everything and ask for nothing...because I would be too broken. And the first several days were hard enough where I might have..but when he cut off my financials from our marital acct and cc's...the zombie comatose phase of just crying and lying in bed for days with my dogs was done..still was a mess but at least I was a walking/showering/working mess...also..what you said is right too about I don't need someone who can and will treat me like that. I just need to keep saying this to myself. The To-do lists...great idea, I think I will do that. Exercising has helped some..but its getting motivated to go when I feel down..but I do need to do it. What you said really made me think on some things. TY

 

I think I am still just torn about this and messed up over it..but I am starting to think about me now. Tonight hearing my neighbors kind of let me know what they have seen in him, and how he has treated them and other neighbors too I guess..it really mirrored what friends of mine have NOW told me after the fact about him that they didn't tell me when we were together..Perhaps I saw the good in him or he was just good around me or I brought that out for only so long...whoever it was I thought I married.. I really loved him..with all my heart. It hurts because that is who I will be missing..and who I am sad about..not this walking meat bag who wants to throw me away as quick as he can.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry. I guess that's why I say Zombie, cause it depersonalizes it some...you really are doing great. And you are right about the roof. The timing is suspicious.

 

I would not call or text yet. But you may want to practice a vague dispassionate responses. No commitment or implication of promise.

 

Like...hmmm I have that on my list to discuss with my advisors

 

Or ... I am thinking about it...

 

Or. That's interesting, I will consider it.

 

Or...I am not prepared to discuss this with you (at this point)

 

Keep copies and audio for your protection...who knows what he's thinking.

[Misadventure]

Thank you, Is. I think this is a great idea. I think I should keep those lines just in case..I am not ready to email/text yet...Definitely not a phone call..that will land me back. Sometimes I feel like I sleep back into week 2 of all this where I am still so sad..but at least it has not been like day 1 through 3..that was the worst.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It will be like that. It's ok. You are doing fine. Try to get some rest.

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad that you've bonded with your neighbors more, and that they have witnessed his checked out behavior. I find the emotionless state to be so very disturbing. He is burying and avoiding all emotions, be sure of that. My ex did the same thing and it hit him hard later.

 

You're still the roadblock, in his mind, to the fabulous single life and he will take everything out on you in the meantime. It hurts like no other, but know that this is not about you at all. This all comes from deep within himself, he is not happy with himself and he sees you as the reason. The real reason is that he does not know how to make himself happy.

 

My ex said the same things as yours, that he thought love should feel different, that he didn't know what it was, that he felt nothing, etc. In the beginning weeks he said he never loved me, didn't value our marriage, etc. To me those were the worst possible things to say to someone who was supposed to be a life partner and best friend. He's realized after many many flings that we did have love, but he won't be getting that back from me, not after the way he treated me.

 

Something else that was told to me in the beginning that really helped - take any and all offers that come your way. Coffee with a coworker, drinks with your neighbors, etc. I found myself telling more and more people about my situation and I became less afraid of letting people know that I needed distractions to get out of the house. Everyone really came through for me and I learned how to enjoy the little things among such a chaotic mess.

 

Regarding the calls and house issues - I would keep things in writing if you can, like only communicating through email. Just to have a backup of what he agrees to so that he can't go back on his word.

[vla1120]

Hey Mis, it's so nice to see how well you are doing! It's great that you have connected with neighbors. The dart board might be a great release for you, especially of you picture him as the bull's eye. You'll be winning tournaments in no time!

 

It is sad to read how so many are blindsided by their partner's coldness and cruelty when they leave the relationship. That's another difference I see in my situation. I knew for many, many years that he was very selfish and verbally abusive. I thought I was doing so well, handling it for the sake of the children all those years. I am just now realizing the serious toll it took on me mentally as well as physically. You will be so much better off NOT having lived most of your adult life with a man who continually took you for granted and ground you down to a shell of your former self.

[Misadventure]

Vla, I am hoping so. I think I just have a hard time letting go here. I am going to therapy today so thats what I am going to ask is how do I start really letting go so I can move on.

 

MsO, yeah my neighbors were commenting about how weird it was etc. I DO hope it hits him hard what he has done, and is doing. I want him to feel it and regret it. I know after we are divorced, I won't ever see him or hear from him again. I think that is so very hard for me cause he has been my life for 8 yrs. I know he has done all this and hurt me..and like you said, I am the roadblock to his fantasy single life..but I still will miss what we once had. I do know he did love me, but I don't think he knows what married love over years is and that it will not have those butterflies all the time. But I agree with what you said..things he has done and said..you don't treat a life partner and best friend like this.

 

I am going to get out of the house more..except any offer to go out. I think this will help me alot.

 

So..if he comes by (and he very well might..his average has been stopping by every two weeks)...what the heck do I do (besides not throw things at the driveway)?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Vla, I am hoping so. I think I just have a hard time letting go here. I am going to therapy today so thats what I am going to ask is how do I start really letting go so I can move on.

 

MsO, yeah my neighbors were commenting about how weird it was etc. I DO hope it hits him hard what he has done, and is doing. I want him to feel it and regret it. I know after we are divorced, I won't ever see him or hear from him again. I think that is so very hard for me cause he has been my life for 8 yrs. I know he has done all this and hurt me..and like you said, I am the roadblock to his fantasy single life..but I still will miss what we once had. I do know he did love me, but I don't think he knows what married love over years is and that it will not have those butterflies all the time. But I agree with what you said..things he has done and said..you don't treat a life partner and best friend like this.

 

I am going to get out of the house more..except any offer to go out. I think this will help me alot.

 

So..if he comes by (and he very well might..his average has been stopping by every two weeks)...what the heck do I do (besides not throw things at the driveway)?

 

So I have this belief that I do not have to answer the door if I don't want to. Sales people, church people, neighbors, friends, (STBXH) fall I

In that category too. Obviously if would be better if you could change the locks, which you can't because you do not have legal rights to sole us of the house. So you need to do this differently. Keep the house locked and don't answer the door. Keep the var with you. Keep important things someplace secure and locked, (put lock on your office and bedroom) if he comes over. Go I to one of those areas and pic up the phone and call someone, your parents. Neighbors, whatever. You are busy. He didn't schedule an appointment. You are busy. Get dressed lock your secure rooms and leave e house and go visit your neighbors. Call the police if he will not leave you alone.

 

Once you have sole use of the property, change the locks.

[Misadventure]

Okay thank you. It's funny because the first 3 weeks, all I wanted was to see him..hear from him..and he was cold and emotionless etc (the same as now)..and now, I just don't want to. A part of me aches for who I loved..but like someone else said on here, thats not him apparently. I am disgusted how he has treated me, thrown our yrs away, and basically also that I was blindsided and didn't see.

 

Going to therapy. BBL. TY guys so much.

[MsOptimist]

Okay thank you. It's funny because the first 3 weeks, all I wanted was to see him..hear from him..and he was cold and emotionless etc (the same as now)..and now, I just don't want to. A part of me aches for who I loved..but like someone else said on here, thats not him apparently. I am disgusted how he has treated me, thrown our yrs away, and basically also that I was blindsided and didn't see.

 

Going to therapy. BBL. TY guys so much.

 

Awesome job going to therapy, it really helped me, especially in the beginning!

 

You are right in that this person now is not the person you fell in love with and were married to. I am sure that there was love between the two of you and he is trying to re-write history and blame shift onto you for all of the problems.

 

I was blamed so much for everything that in the beginning I was questioning what was reality in our relationship. As I stepped further away from it and the contact lessened, I was able to open my eyes more to the red flags that I should have paid attention to years earlier. It has become a relief to be away from a person like he is/turned into.

 

Of course you will miss the good times and what you had. Grieving the loss of that, and the loss of the future you wanted and thought you had, is a big part of moving through this. The good news is that those feelings of loss won't be so intense over time. You'll learn to acknowledge them for what they are (sad) and be ok with mentally putting it back on a shelf.

 

Regarding him coming over: as someone else mentioned, secure your important belongings. I physically removed my financials and other meaningful things and stored them at my mom's until I moved. I had no idea what he was thinking and what he might possibly do so I didn't want to chance anything.

 

If he comes over unannounced, try to be as short and non-chalant as possible and request that you have advanced notice if he wants to get anything. It was VERY hard for me not to get extremely emotional when mine came around before I moved. I was able to eventually just give him a cold shoulder and shortly acknowledge any interaction brought about by him. I didn't initiate interaction. I have no idea how people can pull off the 180, I couldn't seem to do it. But the cold shoulder seemed to unnerve him and honestly getting ANY reaction out of him (other than anger) was considered a victory to me.