Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[revitup]

MsA,My STBXWW's dating site profile had "ready to spoil and be spoiled" as the heading.That phrase is a catch phrase for sex for sale or web cam sex!She was/is "looking for" EXACTLY me!Her desired qualities in a man are my qualities..... down to the letter!

 

You really never know what these people are gonna do next.Expect the expected as you MOOOOOOve forward!

 

You make me smile !

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad to see you angry, it's an important phase in the healing process (one that I struggled to find as I tended to be drowned with sadness).

 

My exH did the same thing, he was on every normal AND adult dating site within days of dropping the bomb on me. He was even answering Craigslist one night stand ads. I got the jabs in his profiles too - said he wanted to date a strong woman because he wasn't married to one!

 

Seeing that stuff was one of the biggest eye openers for me where I knew I had to move on from that garbage. Even when he'd come crawling back to reconcile, all I did was do some quick searches to see that he still had profiles up (also lying that he was divorced and not separated) with recent pics.

 

It made me very afraid to date for awhile, I think that's a normal reaction. I kept thinking, "if people like him are out there lying and manipulating people, how I can I find an honest person." Thankfully I'm learning to see the red flags earlier - they can't put on that show for very long before their true colors come out. I know that my exH even showed his true colors in what was written in his profiles. A smart woman will pick up on that, and considering how many women he's already burned through, I can tell that they're picking up on it.

 

You're doing great. I know it's hard to see how all of the crazy emotions will lessen over time, but they will. The further along you move in the process of separating belongings and filing the paperwork, the more the tables will start to turn.

 

Hang in there.

Edited August 20, 2013 by MsOptimist

[Misadventure]

Well, he called when I was leaving work today (office). I did not pick up. Then I realized he may head over to the house, so I did call back (I know, breaking NC).

 

I said "what do you want?" He said "So you are talking trash about me?"

 

"Whatever do you mean?"

 

"Oh so you are gonna play that game?"

 

"I don't know what you are talking about."

 

He said, "The trash all over your FB" (Mind you, he deleted his acct and mine is set to private..found out later was his friend on my fb, she defriended and blocked me, good riddance).

 

"I was hardly on it today, what is said about you from many of my friends can't be helped...and you are no one to talk (and said his username on his match account)....What a liar you are. You are not divorced, you are married you assh0le fcking fcker!"

 

"Well I would be if you would be a grown up!" he yelled.

 

"Well, you are nothing but a pathetic lying ass!! You are Pathetic! Lying that you are divorced and as soon as they get to know you they will see you are a liar!!"

 

And then he mumbled..."and when they get to know you..you're a liar"..and he said it like really low, basically losing his steam here... I felt a win! He knows I haven't lied about sh*t he is just a meager piece of human excrement that is telling himself all these excuses and lies so he can go get that greener grass. Go get it ass monkey!!!

 

So I called him Pathetic again and said he was just like his father, he should be proud and I hung up the phone.

 

Yes, I cried for about 10 minutes but more so I am fcking pissed. I actually was going to file this week...but thats what he wants me to do... Not doing it. He can pay. He can file..and he will eventually be pushed into doing so..I will rebuild myself in the meantime.

 

I feel disgusted with myself for having loved this sick fcking pathetic excuse for flesh around a two tone appendage. I am grieving the person I once loved and that is not this loser fck.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Misadventure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Not really following his logic...no great surprise huh?

 

It's not as if you control all the divorce lawyers in all the world (queue the Count Dracula -ah ah ah)

 

Head shaking.

 

Next time don't answer...

 

but honestly...actions meet consequences.

 

Meet with your lawyer and have your lawyer call him and ask who his lawyer is....and when he plans to file....

 

Get those temp support orders!

 

(Mom hugs)

[Cup-of-Jo]

First and foremost, change the locks. Do not let him back in that house under any circumstance. He might say you can't afford the house and try to scare you but that is for your attorney to find out. Your attorney is there to protect you. Don't leave the house to go stay with your parents or anyone else. If you need someone have them come stay with you.

 

Stay strong and lawyer up. Be thankful you have parents that can help you and don't be scared to ask for help.

[Balzac]

You should have met w your lawyer by now. It's not about being the petitioner, it's about getting the basic fact base created.

 

Your parents must be gifting you money. The situation as you describe it is confusing.

[Misadventure]

I am sooo grateful I have my family, I would be lost without them right now.

 

He has NO remorse and like someone said early on this thread, he is a narcissist.

 

My lawyer is not in town yet but I have left a message. STBX (aren't you proud, Dan) does not have a lawyer yet. Thats in my favor I guess and all this money he is spending on dating sites, and dates thats marital money since we are still married. I want him demolished.

[trippi1432]

If he is a narcissist, MisA, you aren't winning on anything by doing these exchanges with him. Nor are you doing yourself any favors. You don't beat a narcissist by giving him emotional reactions or any reaction at all, he already knows them all and thinks he knows you better than you know yourself. He will tell you, 'I already know what you are thinking', he will tell you that you need to 'grow up' in his most childish voice...he will poke to cause the emotional reaction and try to get his evidence to prove his story (hence the picture of the broken trinket in the driveway).

 

Your STBX is one piece of work, that's for sure. It's like Kindergarten when the bully pulls your pigtail then claims innocence....you can fight back, all eyes will turn to you..he points a finger and suddenly you did something wrong. When it was him who made this bed but refuses to lie in it. I went through this financially, mentally and emotionally for 15 years (our kids went through it too, be glad you didn't have any kids with this man as our son is almost as bad as he is - entitlement).

 

I learned to get back my power with this type of man is not just doing a divorce, it is about taking back your power, that is the power of not caring about them and what they do anymore. He's on a dating site, pity the poor woman who gets him. Yes, he is a liar, a scoundrel and a cad...the thing about dating sites, women who will date him are looking for a free meal and the good women who won't date him WON'T because they will see the red flags...he's full of them.

 

A - you file that divorce and go after what is yours....do NOT give up on this even when you are hurting the most (I gave in to my Narcissist and got left with all his debt because I let my anger at the situation control me and just wanted to be rid of him) Don't sabotage yourself.

B - Stop the emotional reactions when it comes to him....he's going to try and use these against you. My exH did for two years, our son is is an emotionally immature but very well-trained narcissist when he wants his way. Narcissist do not understand emotional reactions, they have no empathy....that is the #1 rule you need to understand.

C- Facebook is not a venue for unleashing your anger on him....LS is safer and never, ever tell him or anyone that might tell him about it because there have been times when the spouse does find this place via gossip.

 

I had a therapist once tell me that I was a drama magnet...she was right, everyone brought their drama and left it at my doorstep...my exH, our son, my daughter...and well, I wasn't allowed to have friends...my NPD was also an alcoholic who only trusted his family (which wasn't the wife and kids). I told my therapist, I guess I need to reverse the polarity of my drama magnet don't I? How? By not giving people who bring you drama, lies, blame and frustration.............a reaction. Make them be responsible for themselves. Offer empathy...but understand only they can fix the problem....it's not yours.

 

You will eventually get to acceptance. You can never verbally beat it into his head how this looks, how you feel, how you are hurt.....the fact that he thinks that a relationship is over because HE lost his butterflies speaks more to his maturity than yours.

 

You beat him at his own game by getting ahead of him and getting your emotions in check...he has none. Keep that in mind. You meet with your lawyer and jump to the divorce, quick and leave his head spinning with everything you are entitled to.

 

Lastly - this site is in the S&D pinned post on resources....go here Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans and read up on narcissism...but more, learn how to empower yourself so you can grow beyond this type of man and keep them out of your life.

 

Sorry...but "butterflies" = husband is a moron....it's the storms that two survive together that make a marriage. What is the life span of a butterfly anyway? Understand that and you will understand his heart....not capable and you will better off in the long run. Hang in there.

[revitup]

MsA,Maybe your H is after my STBXWW...she had "butterflies" in her email address for years!

I wouldn't wish that, even on his raggedy azz!

 

Anyhow,you should take Trippi's advice here.You are hurting and still holding on to an old pattern.He knows your every move and just how to get your goat....he is very good at that from what I see here today.He has heard it all before and is (as others have clearly said) prepared for it and expecting your reactions in advance.

 

It's ok to make a slip sometimes,just understand that it only hurts YOU.Not even a little does the conversation hurt him,not a bit! He is feeding his belief system (about you) and you can't do this and recover as quickly as you could.

 

 

Learn to keep the NC and 180's.This is NOT what he is expecting.

 

I need to ask you,do you secretly still love him and HOPE it may work out?

 

If so,he knows it and will bash you and abuse your feelings over and over as he sees you as nothing but a BACKUP plan.Be very cautious.

 

REVITUP

[jjslpsg]

I went through a similar divorce, blindsided by the suddenness of it. Although I didn't experience the deceipt you experienced, as evidenced by the changing of the facebook account, which I agree others probably indicates that he was hiding something - I do know that even after the dust settles I had to deal with a lot of emotionally healing. I think that you should continue seeking counseling, group therapy, whatever helps you move past your failed marriage. I was married for 28 1/2 years, so for me - I am still dealing with the pain 2 years later. My psychologist said that on average it takes several years to move on (not get over, as you can never really get over it like it is some kind of cold virus, or stomach ache). I want to encourage you and say that it does get better over time. Don't rush it, and don't compare yourself with others as everyone heals at a different rate. Take care of yourself, physical activity does help boost your emotional outlook and don't be too hard on yourself.

[trippi1432]

It's ok to make a slip sometimes,just understand that it only hurts YOU.Not even a little does the conversation hurt him,not a bit! He is feeding his belief system (about you) and you can't do this and recover as quickly as you could.

 

 

Learn to keep the NC and 180's.This is NOT what he is expecting.

 

I need to ask you,do you secretly still love him and HOPE it may work out?

 

If so,he knows it and will bash you and abuse your feelings over and over as he sees you as nothing but a BACKUP plan.Be very cautious.

 

REVITUP

 

Very true here...please be cautious....

[MsOptimist]

It is quite scary how similar some of these situations play out. I received a lot of anger and blame on me whenever I said or did something that was not to his liking after he started the entire mess. It really left me speechless.

 

What revitup asked has some validity - I could tell that my exH thought he had me as a backup plan several times until I immediately squashed that. He did admit to me later on that he DID want to have his cake and eat it too - how insulting! He also couldn't stand the thought of me with anyone else - again, how insulting after he threw me out with yesterday's garbage!

 

I know it is very hard, but try not to take these exchanges to heart. He is blaming and gaslighting you for everything and rewriting marital history. He's redirecting his issues onto you. I echo the others to keep contact to a minimum.

 

I felt the same way, that my exH wanted the divorce so badly that he could file and pay for it. As time went on he did just that, but I was close to a point of true acceptance and wanting to move things along when he appeared to be stalling once reality finally hit him.

 

Unfortunately you will both be on a rollercoaster of emotions for awhile - just try to ride it out as best you can with help from your family and friends.

[Misadventure]

If he is a narcissist, MisA, you aren't winning on anything by doing these exchanges with him. Nor are you doing yourself any favors. You don't beat a narcissist by giving him emotional reactions or any reaction at all, he already knows them all and thinks he knows you better than you know yourself. He will tell you, 'I already know what you are thinking', he will tell you that you need to 'grow up' in his most childish voice...he will poke to cause the emotional reaction and try to get his evidence to prove his story (hence the picture of the broken trinket in the driveway).

 

Your STBX is one piece of work, that's for sure.

 

A - you file that divorce and go after what is yours....do NOT give up on this even when you are hurting the most (I gave in to my Narcissist and got left with all his debt because I let my anger at the situation control me and just wanted to be rid of him) Don't sabotage yourself.

B - Stop the emotional reactions when it comes to him....he's going to try and use these against you. My exH did for two years, our son is is an emotionally immature but very well-trained narcissist when he wants his way. Narcissist do not understand emotional reactions, they have no empathy....that is the #1 rule you need to understand.

C- Facebook is not a venue for unleashing your anger on him....LS is safer and never, ever tell him or anyone that might tell him about it because there have been times when the spouse does find this place via gossip.

 

You will eventually get to acceptance. You can never verbally beat it into his head how this looks, how you feel, how you are hurt.....the fact that he thinks that a relationship is over because HE lost his butterflies speaks more to his maturity than yours.

 

You beat him at his own game by getting ahead of him and getting your emotions in check...he has none. Keep that in mind. You meet with your lawyer and jump to the divorce, quick and leave his head spinning with everything you are entitled to.

 

Lastly - this site is in the S&D pinned post on resources....go here Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans and read up on narcissism...but more, learn how to empower yourself so you can grow beyond this type of man and keep them out of your life.

 

Sorry...but "butterflies" = husband is a moron....it's the storms that two survive together that make a marriage. What is the life span of a butterfly anyway? Understand that and you will understand his heart....not capable and you will better off in the long run. Hang in there.

 

Thank you! Yes, I tried not to break NC but my Mom asked..well, you don't want him to come over do you? If you don't answer his calls or email he will come over..so I called back and then that nonsense on the phone. Today, he did change his dating profile to a 55 yr old woman's profile, no pics, same link, same info.. which I thought was hilarious. Loser.

 

Yes, he HAS hurt me more than anything could. It makes me angry and livid. I do feel sadness but not for missing who he currently is. I miss the person I married which is no longer. A- going to call Lawyer again. B- Going to try and maintain NC or as LC as possible. C. Yeah it wasn't me who unleashed actually, was my friends. But they know all about his two tone fella, and made jokes about that and 15 minutes. Glad he saw it though. BUT I will not vent on there, I will come vent here.

 

I do want acceptance, and to put this behind me... I hate feeling like this and hate that he is throwing 8 yrs to the garbage. I keep telling myself.. the husband I loved is dead.. this person is NOT him.

 

 

It's ok to make a slip sometimes,just understand that it only hurts YOU.Not even a little does the conversation hurt him,not a bit! He is feeding his belief system (about you) and you can't do this and recover as quickly as you could.

 

 

Learn to keep the NC and 180's.This is NOT what he is expecting.

 

I need to ask you,do you secretly still love him and HOPE it may work out?

 

If so,he knows it and will bash you and abuse your feelings over and over as he sees you as nothing but a BACKUP plan.Be very cautious.

 

REVITUP

 

I kind of figured in his messed up peanut sized brain he would be feeding his justification in his head about me, leaving me, cheating, etc...I really want to remain NC. NO, I do not want things to work out with him. I love and miss my husband..the guy who made me laugh before, was sweet to me, and we shared happy memories...But this man who he currently is and has become is NOT HIM. As hard as it is.... and IT IS HARD.. I daily remind myself that the person I loved and married is gone...it is not the current person. I grieve for the marriage I had to the person I loved, that person is gone and it hurts.

 

I want to encourage you and say that it does get better over time. Don't rush it, and don't compare yourself with others as everyone heals at a different rate. Take care of yourself, physical activity does help boost your emotional outlook and don't be too hard on yourself.

 

I am trying very hard. I think I need to get out more. Work on me...make MY life better for ME. Figure out now what I want in life and I am not sure now.

 

 

It is quite scary how similar some of these situations play out. I received a lot of anger and blame on me whenever I said or did something that was not to his liking after he started the entire mess. It really left me speechless.

 

What revitup asked has some validity - I could tell that my exH thought he had me as a backup plan several times until I immediately squashed that. He did admit to me later on that he DID want to have his cake and eat it too - how insulting! He also couldn't stand the thought of me with anyone else - again, how insulting after he threw me out with yesterday's garbage!

 

I know it is very hard, but try not to take these exchanges to heart. He is blaming and gaslighting you for everything and rewriting marital history. He's redirecting his issues onto you. I echo the others to keep contact to a minimum.

 

I felt the same way, that my exH wanted the divorce so badly that he could file and pay for it. As time went on he did just that, but I was close to a point of true acceptance and wanting to move things along when he appeared to be stalling once reality finally hit him.

 

Unfortunately you will both be on a rollercoaster of emotions for awhile - just try to ride it out as best you can with help from your family and friends.

 

What is Gaslighting? Also yes, thats how I feel like he is throwing me out like yesterday's garbage. I am not crying everyday now though. I feel a dull ache...and sometimes I cry about who he was and that was the person I loved. NOT who he is now. Overall, its mainly anger that fills me now more than sadness.

 

He could file, he has all our money and he hasn't. Why is that? To be cheap? All he ever said before this was "are we going to do this the cheap way?" Yeah right, *******. He cannot rewrite marital history except for the lies he tells himself and the people around him stupid enough to believe his lies.

 

How could his friends KNOW he is on a dating website saying he is divorced and support that sh*t, especially when some are married with kids? Hypocritical asses, I hope karma gets them too. Can happen just as easily to them.

[MsOptimist]

What is Gaslighting? Also yes, thats how I feel like he is throwing me out like yesterday's garbage. I am not crying everyday now though. I feel a dull ache...and sometimes I cry about who he was and that was the person I loved. NOT who he is now. Overall, its mainly anger that fills me now more than sadness.

 

He could file, he has all our money and he hasn't. Why is that? To be cheap? All he ever said before this was "are we going to do this the cheap way?" Yeah right, *******. He cannot rewrite marital history except for the lies he tells himself and the people around him stupid enough to believe his lies.

 

This is just taken from Wikipedia, but it's explains concisely what gaslighting is:

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

 

Gaslighting is what he's doing when he gets angry at you and calls you the liar when it's really him. He's spinning reality to try to make you feel guilt for "causing him" to get to this stage and holding himself accountable.

 

In the beginning weeks my exH said he was hellbent on filing immediately and doing everything as quickly as possible. Said he was going to file 2 weeks after he dropped the bomb. He didn't. I kept waiting and waiting (not literally, I was consumed with moving and picking up my own mental and physical pieces). It baffled me why he didn't act as soon as he said.

 

Later on when we were able to talk civilly he said the guilt was preventing him, and doubts. He said he knew he still had feelings for me and wasn't sure he was doing the right thing. He tried reconciling before he filed - when I shot him down he filed the next day and even regretted that and came back shortly after to try to reconcile again.

 

Yours may be having second thoughts deep down as well, but you can bet that he's not going to admit that to you. Not now and maybe not ever.

[Mystery2Me]

Good Afternoon MsA!

 

I am so very sorry for the hurt, confusion, abandonment, and betryal that has been forced upon you.

 

Like MsO and Rev, have shared my experience at it's core is Just-Like-Yours ....so when you can learn from us and try to adopt and accept that now it is ONLY ALL ABOUT YOU.

 

With that said, darling you should be congratulated on rocking the grieving process and should continue to do so. You are doing so well, especially with the anger phase. :-) Personally it took me a long time to get angry, not that I took any mess or crap, but just did not have the energy to become angry whilst have to be Cinderella (doing all the day-to-day adult duties).

 

Oh but then.....my fairy godmother did arrive and what wonderfully liberating series of angry driven pity PARTIES did I enjoy!!!!! :-)))) Like you I feel more like my real husband died, actually killed by this fool. The good news is like your STBXH you too have the right to historically record the marriage.

 

But in the end MsA, the Anger parties while a better alternative to the Depression parties....these Acceptance parties are the best! Acceptance parties have all the fun points of the Anger parties, but darling they are only about you and your future. That's correct they have nothing to do with that fool (my term of endearment).

 

Enjoy the good days, and know that you will have to ride the rollercoaster again and again...but means you are making wonderful progress. Focus on who you want to be in the end, and just do it....this is your chance darling. A lady and wonderful wife you are, and because of his actions he no longer deserves the benefits of your concern.

 

~Take very good care and be kind to yourself-Mystery

[revitup]

MsA said-I kind of figured in his messed up peanut sized brain he would be feeding his justification in his head about me, leaving me, cheating, etc...I really want to remain NC. NO, I do not want things to work out with him. I love and miss my husband..the guy who made me laugh before, was sweet to me, and we shared happy memories...But this man who he currently is and has become is NOT HIM. As hard as it is.... and IT IS HARD.. I daily remind myself that the person I loved and married is gone...it is not the current person. I grieve for the marriage I had to the person I loved, that person is gone and it hurts.

 

MsA, know this - YOU aren't the same person either! You have been changed by his mental games.Your thinking is different than it was the day you met your H and different than it was during the first years together.

 

You will be YOU again, you will see things differently.The mind games will be very clear.Right now,try and remember the you, that was strong enough to walk away from this guy (in the beginning). You would never have chosen him then, if you had known, what you know about him now.

 

Seeking his profiles online will only hurt you ....I know! It may be fun to find his "stuff" online,then let everyone know what you found today.You know it turns from fun to hurt after the sun goes down.That's the time when you are all alone with the fears and hurt that doesn't go away just because you found out some stupid new thing this dingbat is up to now.

 

Set a goal on how long you spend each day, looking for his online stuff- 5 hours,10,15 ?

 

Set a goal on how much time each day you will F/B about him-2 hours,5,10?

 

Now set a goal on how much time you are going to spend just on your recovery.How many hours are you going to spend on YOU and YOUR happiness? I recommend spending more time on you than him.Do not allow this jack-wad rent space in your noggin' for FREE.

 

We have all been there,it sucks,it stinks,it shouldn't be this way,it shouldn't have happened,it could have been different...............it hurts.It's not fair either.

 

The good thing......you now know better than to ever allow this behavior in your life again.You will overcome,you will get stronger and you will be wiser in all future decisions.You are winning,you just have to keep going!

 

I think you are doing just fine with your reactions.There really is no perfect way to get this right.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

I think this is all great advice, and thank you Rev. I need to hear that and I need to do that. I really do, I am going to slowly try and ween myself off, like a drug basically. I need to focus on ME. I know this and I am REALLY trying.

 

I actually today was working, and then going to go to the gym but then I checked my FB and he was back on there (I guess before he had deactivated...). He posted the harassment laws for our state on his page LOL.

 

He quickly deleted them or blocked me from seeing it maybe.

 

He then sent a message to my sister saying, "I guess you'll believe all the sh*t from your sister, and what her friends are doing to me (cause they found his profile and talked trash and reported him to the site I think cause he was saying he was already divorced) but I wish you a good life".

 

This bothers me because in his head he thinks I am in the wrong somehow?? I am not the one who lied or lies...and did all the things he has done. Can he seriously not own up to his own sh*t??

 

I guess this is the gaslighting part.

 

It does still hurt, I wish it didn't.

[revitup]

The gym =

 

Facebook =

 

REVITUP

[vla1120]

I think this is all great advice, and thank you Rev. I need to hear that and I need to do that. I really do, I am going to slowly try and ween myself off, like a drug basically. I need to focus on ME. I know this and I am REALLY trying.

 

I actually today was working, and then going to go to the gym but then I checked my FB and he was back on there (I guess before he had deactivated...). He posted the harassment laws for our state on his page LOL.

 

He quickly deleted them or blocked me from seeing it maybe.

 

He then sent a message to my sister saying, "I guess you'll believe all the sh*t from your sister, and what her friends are doing to me (cause they found his profile and talked trash and reported him to the site I think cause he was saying he was already divorced) but I wish you a good life".

 

This bothers me because in his head he thinks I am in the wrong somehow?? I am not the one who lied or lies...and did all the things he has done. Can he seriously not own up to his own sh*t??

 

I guess this is the gaslighting part.

 

It does still hurt, I wish it didn't.

 

Rev is right (and whomever gave the same advice), spending one minute on him, his FB, his sites, is all counterproductive. You know he's a liar. You know he will twist it to make you the bad guy and try to elicit sympathy from those in your corner. It's his M.O. It infuriates us because we know the truth and want to defend ourselves. It's no use. It won't change his mind, and as for our friends and family, Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

 

I'm also just learning the whole gas lighting thing. Man, is he ever good at it. That's how he kept an intelligent, independent woman "in line" for 32 years. That's where my anger is now - 32 years. 32 YEARS. What should have been some of the best years of my life - wasted on a cheating liar for the sake of my daughters, who have all been in therapy for years, have relationship issues, eating disorders, anxiety and fears. I helped him steal away the innocence of their childhoods by allowing them to live in the chaos and dysfunction. Pretty pissed at myself right now.

 

I've also learned I am just like Alice in Wonderland: "If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." I'm spending more time recently drowning out his voice and listening to my own. It is getting a little louder each day.

[shortee]

I am sorry you are going through all this. You should have a lawyer by now. I hope you saved his dating website profile or made copies for proof. Sounds like he is gaslighting you and probably took the financial books so he would not have to pay you your money back.

[RightThere]

What should have been some of the best years of my life - wasted on a cheating liar for the sake of my daughters, who have all been in therapy for years, have relationship issues, eating disorders, anxiety and fears. I helped him steal away the innocence of their childhoods by allowing them to live in the chaos and dysfunction. Pretty pissed at myself right now.

 

I'd be pissed as well. But don't forget that I'm sure you had their best interests at heart. You didn't cause that. And it's not your fault.

 

You just tried something and it failed. Welcome to the club.

[littlejaz]

What I mean is don't let him get you mad, get even by showing him no emotion. Let him think that you want out just as bad as he does. Let him think you are getting him out of your system and looking forward. It will irritate the he!! out of him.

 

I think my STBXH thought I was going to beg him to stay the night he left. And when I didn't, I think he thought he would stay gone for the weekend and teach me a lesson. I think it surprised the crap out of him when I did not let him come back and filed for divorce.

 

To date he has left me alone. Our only contact is through the lawyers. And that has made it a lot easier for me. I know what you mean by mourning the loss of the man you married because the man you are divorcing is not the same man you married.

 

Stay strong and take care of you.

[Misadventure]

Gah! I am just frustrated today. Yes, I am sad...angry..and unsure of where my future is headed.

 

So..last night I was on my own FB and I got a notification, he reactivated his FB and then he posted the harassment/cyberharassment laws on his FB (reminder, my lawyer had stated it was best for now for me to remain "fb friends" but to use my privacy filters when posting). He was basically being a sore loser because he was caught on dating websites saying he was divorced! Granted, the friend who caught it went on there and alerted the rest of the girls..

 

Rev is right (and whomever gave the same advice), spending one minute on him, his FB, his sites, is all counterproductive. You know he's a liar. You know he will twist it to make you the bad guy and try to elicit sympathy from those in your corner. It's his M.O. It infuriates us because we know the truth and want to defend ourselves. It's no use. It won't change his mind, and as for our friends and family, Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

 

In his head, he thinks he is not a liar. He thinks I am for whatever reason (in which I have not lied to him, now I wish I had) and throwing this around as reason/justification for leaving and doing what he is doing. He is trying to justify it in his head so he doesn't have to look himself in the mirror and face the things he has done and said and take responsibility for it. The people who he is telling (some of which I liked) I am sad they will get these lies about me...and I am sure he is not telling them about his little run on the dating website where he lied to people saying he was divorced.

 

I am sorry you are going through all this. You should have a lawyer by now. I hope you saved his dating website profile or made copies for proof. Sounds like he is gaslighting you and probably took the financial books so he would not have to pay you your money back.

 

Oh yes, I have copies galore! I am also going to be showing the neighbors. If and when he moves back here as I will not want to stay in the house after the divorce, they will know exactly what he is. The lawyer will have to see if this was taken out of the account he took me off of, or a new CC, either way its depletion of funds on extramarital actions (any dates, hotels, websites etc and money spent). He did take all financial info when he left, yes.

 

 

The gym =

 

Facebook =

 

REVITUP

 

I am sore today.. I worked out like no other yesterday. Thinking about going back today. FB...I am trying to learn to spend less and less on there.

 

I did decide something last night...JANE, I think you would like this...I am going to give a time limit to myself now for him to file, if not, I will. Right around his birthday perhaps which is a little over a month from now, if he does not.

I am still wondering, if he wants out so badly, why hasn't he filed?

 

When I told him "You are married, not divorced, like you are lying on that site.." he had said.."I would be if you would act like a grown up!"...basically just sign..dumb @ss. All this torture that he has put me through, sadness, hurt, devastation, etc...the only way for him o feel anything is financially it seems.

 

Game on.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Please file for temporary support and sole use of the household.

 

Not doing so can be financially and physically dangerous.

 

Filing for divorce can follow if allowed in your state.

 

Please please please....you must do this to stay safe.

[Misadventure]

Is, can I do that without filing for divorce?

 

Littlejazz, I think he plain out doesn't care. He proved to me he just wants someone new (whether he had someone and that fizzled or those butterflies went away also). He is NOT the man I fell in love with and married. THIS is very hard for me to accept...some days I do..some days I don't and it tears me up. Bottom line, I need to really just stop thinking of him as my husband and all the things we shared because it IS gone. I just need to learn to do that. Part of me is hoping he will move out of state as really the only thing for him here is his job and the house.

 

BTW, I did change the locks.