Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Eivuwan]

Hi MisA, I just read your thread today, and wow, I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Saying that he is narcissistic is an understatement. It does sound like you are in good hands legally. I will be cheering for you!

[Yasuandio]

Honey, refrain from excitement from a win that actually comes from your joint pocket. Divorce attorneys work together on contested or protracted divorces, sometimes the judge too. Mine went on four years, I'm unraveling the facts now, post divorce - it was a game, we were both played - I could prove it - but it would never be worth the trouble.

 

Get it over with, and never trust your attorney - remember they have an agenda, and contentions to the Court, and to the respective colleagues. I know this game for a fact. My attorneys personal files accendentally fell into my hands. Plus, it was obvious anyway, once I could look past my self service. Wakie, wakie. Bottom line! Get it over with! You never know whom might be assigned legal fees. FYI. Your Yas

[Eivuwan]

Honey, refrain from excitement from a win that actually comes from your joint pocket. Divorce attorneys work together on contested or protracted divorces, sometimes the judge too. Mine went on four years, I'm unraveling the facts now, post divorce - it was a game, we were both played - I could prove it - but it would never be worth the trouble.

 

Get it over with, and never trust your attorney - remember they have an agenda, and contentions to the Court, and to the respective colleagues. I know this game for a fact. My attorneys personal files accendentally fell into my hands. Plus, it was obvious anyway, once I could look past my self service. Wakie, wakie. Bottom line! Get it over with! You never know whom might be assigned legal fees. FYI. Your Yas

 

And how exactly is she suppose to get it over with? Give her husband everything he wants?!

[No Limit]

Can I just say, I didn't look at my ex's face but I could see from my corner of the eye that his face was red, he was about to burst.

 

Damn, reality must have struck him real hard.

[Yasuandio]

And how exactly is she suppose to get it over with? Give her husband everything he wants?!

 

That is not what I advised at all. Just keep cool - and watch out for attorney's that have also an agenda in the drama and your adenalin. You do no think clearly at the time. Any money he is paying is HER money also during the proceedings, it is easy to forget that fact, when your wound up and excited about a so-called "win," (Court hearing over legal fees, for instance). Those type of "wins" that, by the way, go into the attorney's pockets, are additive - it is no less than satisfying to see the opponent go down flat on his face by a Judges Order. The more money spent - the less money at the end. That is a simple math. Just suggesting a bit of caution about emotions - no one is ever really exstatic with result of a division of assets. Yas

[Eivuwan]

That is not what I advised at all. Just keep cool - and watch out for attorney's that have also an agenda in the drama and your adenalin. You do no think clearly at the time. Any money he is paying is HER money also during the proceedings, it is easy to forget that fact, when your wound up and excited about a so-called "win," (Court hearing over legal fees, for instance). Those type of "wins" that, by the way, go into the attorney's pockets, are additive - it is no less than satisfying to see the opponent go down flat on his face by a Judges Order. The more money spent - the less money at the end. That is a simple math. Just suggesting a bit of caution about emotions - no one is ever really exstatic with result of a division of assets. Yas

 

I agree that she should keep cool. But considering that the attorneys and judges are the ones with the legal expertise and power, what can she possibly do to speed up the process other than giving the stubborn husband what he wants?

[trippi1432]

I agree that she should keep cool. But considering that the attorneys and judges are the ones with the legal expertise and power, what can she possibly do to speed up the process other than giving the stubborn husband what he wants?

 

Hi Eivuwan - I don't think that Yas is saying to give the husband what he wants to get it over with; however, I agree with what she is pointing out. It's not unheard of for divorce attorney's on opposing sides to work together in running up the legal fees so they can pocket more money, especially when they know all of your financials.

 

It's not giving him what he wants, but it is smart to be as familiar as you can be with the divorce process, the laws in your state, understanding division of assets and even getting a second opinion if things in your case seem off.

[Yasuandio]

 

I think I really LIKE my lawyer alot!!!

 

 

I am an expert. At this time, his money is your money.

 

This is the best advice you will ever get: Your attorney is not your friend. Yas

 

PS To Eivuwan: Cut the emotion whining, this is a hard cold business deal. She needs to be encouraged to stop goofing around making jokes, get her head in the game, and exert her very decent smarts, period.

[Eivuwan]

 

It's not giving him what he wants, but it is smart to be as familiar as you can be with the divorce process, the laws in your state, understanding division of assets and even getting a second opinion if things in your case seem off.

 

This is much more concrete advice.

[Misadventure]

Hi guys! I had written a long response but then my power flickered...

 

Basically, I know my atty is NOT my friend but I know he is there to be straight fwd and also represent myself and my interests at what we think I can get. My friend who is also very anti- atty had predicted that he would tell me to pay him in full before the trial etc and so far he has not. He also knows I cannot. My atty is not running up the bill on my end. He has been very frugal thus far. My stbx's atty, I believe is probably what you are saying. It has cost him over 5k or more so far if not 7k. I can't force someone to settle and throw a decent settlement. His idea of decent is pretty much nothing. I like my lawyer and even referred him to a few people looking for a family lawyer. This case is so negative and overwhelming that if there are some moments of levity, I don't see the issue with just smiling and laughing now and then in them. Last week I was an anxious mess. Less so this week. But why did I put myself through that anxiety.... what will come out and be is simply that and it's not happening now. The closer we get to end of August, I think maybe we can finally get somewhere. Yes, I am stressing....but for my health and well being.. I need to realize that it can't be dealt with tomorrow or today.. and I need to let the process continue....I won't end up with nothing...and I won't get all that I am asking.. and I need to accept this. My friend (the one I have mentioned several times in the thread)..she said that she doesn't understand why I don't take the $500 for 6 months and just leave.... Mm.. where? I still need a place for myself and two big dogs...the ability and financial means in order to support us.. and now, a car. I value myself more than $500 for 6 months..I know my value.. I know my worth and I know that it isn't indicative of what the entitlement should be. She said she would have already taken it and left... but then again she has 3 kids from different fathers, never stuck it in with her divorces because she didn't want to go through with what I am.. so she always received nothing. She had told me she would be surprised if the judge had awarded me anything in lawyer fees... I guess she is handy to have around because she prepares me for the worst..pretty much tells me to expect nothing.

 

My stbx is a selfish azz who believes I am entitled to nothing and therefore is riding this pony all the way to the case management conference on Sept 19th and then the actual trial Oct 29th. His BDAY is Sept 19th so I am hoping this is not an Omen in his favor.

 

I WANT to settle but I also need a fair settlement thrown my way. $500 for 6 months and nothing else is not anything. This past year has put me through alot and I am ready to stick my feet in the sand and hold on for dear life and ride this out if I have to, but I prefer he comes to his senses and offers a decent settlement.

 

At the Pre Trial, when the judge has stated that he does not judge to one extreme or the other and that this was going to cost about 10k each to go to trial, I know this meant ie EFFING SETTLE.

 

My car has also died so I am borrowing my Mom's car right now... I am working but I have been saving...to be out on my own, to pay the lawyer, and to pay student loans etc..and now a car...I have been interviewing to no avail...

 

Worst case scenario: we go to court....I need to show that I cannot pay the full court fee cost as well as the lawyer fees... I would get half of the 401k..half of accrued interest in Mutual Funds via Quadro...and if he has liquidated some mutual funds after he has filed (which I believe he has) then he needs to reimburse... Alimony: worst case is that I get none at all or very little in court, but seeing as the judge said he doesn't judge from on extreme to the other, he may be somewhat fair about it. Then I am asking for the furniture/electronics that are currently in house that I bought during marriage (from my work with my discount). if going to court will be asking to be out of the house by end of January to have enough funds to leave with two big dogs and my foster etc and to find a place by that time since will have a date.

 

Best case: STBX realizes it's in his best interest to effing settle by offering a decent settlement as he will most likely be paying a chunk of my atty fees if he does not want to.

 

I have a feeling we are going to court which is stupid. I talked to the Clerk of the court who read me the Case Order and he said this order is so extensive, are we fighting over hundreds of thousands of dollars...lol- yeah, right. He even sent me the copy free via email because he was confused himself and wanted me to read how extensive it is.

 

 

I kind of feel my stbx and his atty (and I feel his atty wants to basically bleed him dry so its less to give to me) also feel they may have an "A- ha!" moment... Before the Pre Trial.. they thought I went to the bathroom... but I had just moved where I was sitting.. and there was a pillar between us...they started talking "She went to the bathroom, I think"..."Yeah, she perjured herself at depositions"..

 

I didn't think I had.. but TY for that heads up.

 

I thought about the Depo... I went and called all my doctors (as some of the questions had been about doctors, appts and tests), and yep, they were right, I had not been right. But here is the thing, no one had called an of my doctors....so must be my work (they had subpoena'd info)...they had asked questions about if I had applied for higher tier jobs at my work... I thought I had as I remembered having conversations with my supervisor.. I had added them to my job cart in our work intranet but had not applied...this was also a while back too when I was in the "black hole of depression" for a while.. so I couldn't tell you what I did from day to day but I sure thought I had. But I have records of what I have applied for locally instead of an hour away. BUT here is the thing.. they had not received the info from my work by the time of Pre Trial... so no idea what they think I have perjured myself on. If they said I did, I probably did but was not intentional... so I need to rehabilitate it and amend it as this is probably why they want to go to court to humiliate and destroy credibility. I don't mind amending it and if asked why, I will tell them... "I overheard you both discussing that I perjured myself at the Pre Trial.. I didn't think I had, so I wanted to amend any reference to any unintentional misinformation." Not only does it make his lawyer look completely unprofessional but also makes them look as to why they wanted to come to court with a strategy to undermine any credibility and destroy perception of me by the judge.

 

He has been paying the mortgage (under his name) for the last yr, and electric, so this will also count towards him most likely.. but I will also point out that when he cut me off from our marital funds and marital CC, that I had asked him if he was going to cut off the electric also and he said that he would pay for it until this was all done. In his wildest dreams I bet he hadn't imagine it would be a whole yr...and then some. He could have settled on my terms and had me out...

 

Based on what was said by the judge already at the Pre Trial, I gathered that he really hates it when the spouses try and make the other look as worse as possible to look bad in front of him. The truth of what my stbx did stands enough of its own....I will just say the truth without bad mouthing him. Did I ever want this divorce? Nope... but I certainly deserve to be with someone who loves me as much as I loved him and be honest, and I was a good wife.

 

As far as now.. I want to move on, close this chapter and not look back but I do need the financial means to do so. I gave my all, invested my time, my love, my life, my trust and put him and his needs and his goals in front of mine, and all I am asking is to be reimbursed since the marital contract was not fulfilled on his end.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Misadventure

[trippi1432]

Hi MissA - Sounds like you got a bit of the inside scoop on their strategy, I do hope you shared that with your attorney. I think that I would ask your attorney if that is a position you should take to find out what they think you perjured yourself on.

 

This "but I certainly deserve to be with someone who loves me as much as I loved him and be honest, and I was a good wife.

 

As far as now.. I want to move on, close this chapter and not look back but I do need the financial means to do so. I gave my all, invested my time, my love, my life, my trust and put him and his needs and his goals in front of mine, and all I am asking is to be reimbursed since the marital contract was not fulfilled on his end."

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get what you should get, but even more that that, you can close this chapter and move on to better things. Hugs!!

[Yasuandio]

Christ - your H's shark think's he is Perry Mason - what an F-Face. Yes, just revise your statement as you would have done on the stand anyway. OMG!?!?! You purgered yourself. What an effing joke. I don't use these acronyms or smilie faces - but, in this case, I have to tell you - this is what I did when I read that part: LMAO - like an effing hyena!:laugh:

 

I got the eff word Torrett's Syndrome from your post darling, sorry, I am laughing so much from that.

 

I give you warning about cross-Examination Meltdown:

 

Of course, you'll be compelled to report that you "overheard" the "privilided" conversation when Council and his client believed you were taking a piss!!!!

 

Bahahahahahahaha!!!!

 

Cross Examination Question: Now, tell us - Ms. A, were you using any carnaval mirrors to visually distort your presense in a willful effort to trick your husband and his attorney into believing they had complete privacy while you purposely easdropped to gain information you could use to ALTER YOUR TESTIMONY IN THIS COURT SO AS TO AVOID DETECTION OF PURGERY in an effort to gain control of your spouses assets?

 

Follow-Up Cross: Isn't that true, Ms. A? You really didn't have to pee on that day in question, did you? It was all a set up! Isn't that correct? Answer the question???!?!!!!!!!?

 

How dare you not go to the Ladies room!!!!! OMG!!!!!! Yas

Edited June 30, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Misadventure]

LOL, that made me laugh, thank you.

 

Well, I did mention it to my lawyer....Right now looks like we are set to go to Case management Conference (for Judge to see where we are and any hope of settlement on Sept 19 (stbx' Bday) and actual Trial Oct 29...

 

Current status on the county website:

 

6/30/2014Answer And Counter Or Cross Claim AMENDED FILED BY Defendant 6/24/2014List Of Exhibits EXHIBIT A-B 6/24/2014Notice Of Filing FILED BY Petitioner

 

I don't know if this has anything to do with what I talked about..

 

I am actually going to start packing boxes now... I see some kind of deadline.. not sure when but could be in 3 months could be in 6... at most 6 to get out.

 

 

This week emotionally and physically was a total wash.

 

July 4th (ironically) is the day I found him looking at Apts and everything came out... July 5th morning is when he left.

 

I have to say I am pretty down.. feel sluggish.. depressed.. cannot sleep.

 

And it is not because I miss him or love him.. I sat with myself today and talked this out with me, myself and I (oohh 50 shades of crazy?)...

 

"Self," I said..."If he came to the door and was heartfelt and said he was sorry, that this yr gave him time to reflect and he wanted to give us a go, what would you do?"

 

"Efff the Eff NO!... you showed me exactly how little I was to you... how you could deceive me for so long.. how little you thought of me.. and how little you CAN treat me and did... and what a low life piece of shyt you are...small azz spotted d!.c.k!!!"

 

..."Then why the eff are you sad... why are you not at the gym.. why are you not trying to be social.. why are you not getting back out there.. why are you basically closing yourself up in this house right now?"

 

..."I have no effing idea...I am just...sad... I don't know if it's remembering all that insurmountable pain and anguish...the falling action of events...just knowing things are coming up and although I am better financially then 8 months ago, I still do not have a career etc and now my car is dead and I am borrowing one from family...still can't really date...have NOT had sex in a yr now (It was a few days before the 4th was the last time) and WTF about that...."

 

How do I get past this bubble here? Its it because of all this that I am feeling like this?

 

I am a different person than I was a yr ago... no question about that.

[MsOptimist]

I think you'll start moving past the sadness bubble when you have more closure in regards to moving and getting through the court requirements. Absolutely start packing boxes, it's another physical sign that closure is coming. It'll give you a bit of a workout too.

 

Good for you for going through the reasoning of why you couldn't ever take him back. He's shown his true colors and you deserve a heck of a lot more than that.

 

You also have every right to feel sad. Sad that your future isn't what you thought it would be, and that the person you exchanged vows with didn't honor those vows. You're faced with having to put your life back together in many ways (emotionally, financially, learning to trust men again), none of which was your doing. That is a sad effing thing to go through.

 

But you'll be stronger as a result.

[Yasuandio]

Your husband's conduct, post only one year, dealing with the legal system on top of financial problems - and to be reporting sadness, and not feeling up to the usual actinides of normal life is BETTER than to be expected. Obviously you are a Stong woman that is handling this situation just fine - exceptionally fine! Bravo!

 

Happy to make you laugh, honey! I love to "play" cross-examination! He and his attorney are easy marks. I hope your council will take 'em apart, limb by limb, eat'em up like a GD cheesecake, and spit em' out like cherry pits. That is what I would do. Yas

[Eivuwan]

It's hard not to feel sad. You are still in the process of moving on and it's hard when you are stuck with a prolong divorce process due to his stubbornness. I think once everything is settled and you are living in a new environment, life will look brighter.

[whichwayisup]

Doubt this is about HIM really, but more like he screwed you out of a life that you wanted to have, the one you two created together. This wasn't what you ever thought would happen when you got married. You're grieving the loss of the life you once had, the comforts of it all, your family intact. It's okay to feel sorrow and sadness.

 

Tomorrow, pick yourself up and enjoy the day. Enjoy the weekend and say a big ol' F-U to him in your head and tell yourself that all this isn't going to ruin your weekend. Go have some fun and smile.

[trippi1432]

Miss A - My ex-H called me the other day, out of the blue as I haven't heard his voice in almost 2 years now. I realized something......he still slurs his speech after 6pm and sounds about the same and makes the same stupid jokes. He's on job #899 since we divorced and even he said he hasn't held one down. Why should he, he left because I wouldn't let him become a resident drunk.

 

The fact is......................................................................................................................NOTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE!!! What hurts is that you accepted him as he was, two-toned appendage and all.

 

As you are packing, leave the baggage behind...this next chapter of your life is about a clean slate. YOU give that to YOU, this is now his loss no matter how he spins it.

[trippi1432]

Miss A - I hope you are doing well....just checking in to see how you are. Hugs!

[travelbug1996]

******DEAD.COM @ 2 toned appendage*** Bwhahahahahhahaha

 

OP Rock steady baby you are almost there. You've come a long way and remember this too shall pass.

[vla1120]

How are things going, MisA? I haven't been out here since January. I was thinking about this site because I FINALLY filed for divorce yesterday. My life is so very different from one year ago. I have a clean bill of health (no more breast cancer!) I've lost 85 pounds. I am happier than I ever have been in my life because I started living for ME! Of course, my three daughters are still a priority, but the youngest is 18 and has moved out with her friends (she always was the most independent of the three.) I have met a wonderful man who treats me like I never realized a woman should be treated because I spent 33 years with an a-hole.

 

I hope things are progressing positively for you and that you are taking time for yourself and doing things for yourself that make you happy. I understand what you mean about feeling sad near that one year anniversary of your world falling apart. Even though I've never been happier, actually filing for divorce was a bit sad for me. When I married, it was for good. I was never going to get divorced and thought I could work through ANY issues in my marriage. Some things cannot be fixed, however, and you are better off cutting those losses and opening yourself up to the many, many possibilities out there in the world for happiness. Hang in there and I hope your divorce does not drag out indefinitely!

[Misadventure]

So much has happened will post a reply soon, trial is at end of month.

 

what does this mean by the way

 

 

10/3/2014 Notice OF INTENT TO USE CERTIFIED AND SELF AUTHENTICATING RECORDS AT TRIAL; FILED BY PET

[dumped2013]

Google it. I tried to copy and paste the definition but it would not let me.

[trippi1432]

Hi Miss A - Good to hear from you, update when you can.

 

 

FILED BY PET = filed by petition. What it means depends on what forms you saw it on I think.

 

 

Good luck with the trial..basically, hang in there. Post here, we will be here for you for moral support Hun.

[Misadventure]

Vla I am so so happy for you. I can HEAR your confidence. Good for you.

 

Trippi- TY!

 

Well, I ended up calling the courthouse since could not get a hold of my lawyer, he is going to use my work records against me basically (that I did not apply for a better position at my current company). This is true, I applied many other places that are not an hour away since I have unreliable transportation (in fact it died in June). I work the PT job I had and I have another PT job, but BOTH are not something I can live on, on my own and pay the bills and survive, I need financial help, and I also have been applying to other positions closer to me. The jobs I am qualified for at that company have the same pay grade category and I have looked consistently since January 2014. Why am I going to apply for the same pay grade area if I cannot survive on it? I have had several interviews, and one with animal services I thought I was a shoe in.. but nothing.

 

I was a mess the 1st 6 months. If you all could be my witness at court LOL. I was barely functional though, and I asked my doctor to write a statement and going to call my therapist that I had back then also to write something up to my mental state. At deposition, it was asked if I had applied to my current company for other positions. I honestly thought I had in the 1st 6 months sometime, I remember adding them in my job cart and the rest was a haze. I was on autopilot trying not to meltdown. So I know his angle now so I need to talk to my lawyer to amend and rehabilitate and maybe he can ask me these questions beforehand so I can take away their ace card and shove it up his two tone small appendage and stick it in his face.

 

In other news...yes, I have tried to date..and although some may like me.. after the first few sentences unless they say something dazzling, I am bored to pieces and don't see a point. I do, however, see occasionally the one guy I met back in March and we have gone out several times but I friendzoned him.. he knows it, never "tried" anything but I do like being around him and always said phrases like "Well, as your friend...."..

 

A couple weekends ago we went to dinner...after the waiter left, he said something along the lines of "Well, since we have been out several times and obviously its not going anywhere romantic...since you are not getting any.. and I am not getting any... what do you think of a friends with benefits scenario?"

 

I started laughing uncontrollably... do you watch Game of Thrones.. remember the scene where the hound and Arya have traveled such a long way to go to her aunt's castle and then when they get there, they get told she is dead, and then she starts laughing uncontrollably. ...Well, yeah, that was me. :bunny:

 

I give him mad props for being vocal in the middle of a restaurant, that takes balls.

 

So he didn't get offended actually, I just kinda let him know.. I actually WANT him in my life so it's better not to do any of that.

 

That was HIS turn to laugh.

 

It's honest though.

 

My sister's wedding is this weekend... I am excited. NOT SAD for myself at all. I feel like my wedding happened to someone else.. in some ways it did. I will never get that kind of innocence back but I do look forward to one day being truly excited about someone.. just had not happened yet.

 

So LOTS of family members in town from out of state, and my male cousins made me feel like the beginning of that movie Must Love Dogs (love the movie btw and I think that is pretty much where I am). Male cousins showing me pics on their phone "Do I have a friend for you!.. hey, sis, don't you have a friend for (my name)?" Yes, I was an after school special.

 

My biological dad and stepmom are here and they reminded me of so many things that I was blind to have seen. He was white toast they said.. plain..nothing to him.. bland.. white toast. They had tried several times to make conversation and know him through the years but was like forcing him. He came from such a damaged background in his family that not ONE blood relative came to the wedding, with his own sibling living less than 30 minutes away. You would think I would have red flags, but did I? SMH! And my stepmother pinned it....she said.. "You were in rescue way before you were in animal rescue.. he was your first big dog...he didn't have a family, your family welcomed him.. he didn't have love in his life from a female and limited female experience.. you gave that to him... he didn't have anyone rooting for him to further his education and career goals.. but your family and you did that.." Wow...how did I not see this?

 

Court date is the end of Oct....I can go to Halloween as a single gal. So many stresses and concerns...where will I go..what will I do...what if the judge falls for his BS about me. Am I perfect? No way. How am I culpable? I trusted him and put him first.. his needs, his education, his career...and I sat back and figured that I could save animals, have a pt job, try and have the child he so wanted, and go with it... and I forgot about me really.

 

Well, I am remembering me... I now have 3 professional credits on IMDB and 2 are paid. But the rest?? I am working on it.. I pray...sometimes..and I am just hoping that something positive in the job market will happen or the judge will see that I have been trying, despite the "self authenticating" records.

 

 

What do you think?