Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[trippi1432]

:bunny:

 

 

MisA, you are doing great!! Getting back into the swing of dating, and doing it right, is a good step in the right direction. Excellent on taking it slow to start, doing the phone thing to get to know someone and making a real connection.

 

 

OLD does get a bad rep as there are so many people looking for just "hookups", smart men and women weed those out by being patient and not rushing into things. There is something to be said about a man who can make you feel like the only woman who exists in a room, opens a door for you and treats you with respect and (still likes women enough) to want to make a real connection....of course always watch out for the red flags. Goes without saying really.

 

 

After going through what you have been through the past year and a half, getting part of the "Me" back is great....with the understanding that the "Me" comes out wiser. To what MJ stated, it's normal to "overthink" it....just go with the flow.

 

 

(((Hugs!!)))

[Misadventure]

I think the thing is... he is the first person (and I have attempted dating before) that I genuinely really like.

 

I had not had that feeling in SUCH a long time.

 

It's kind of like you had chocolate for the first time in 10 yrs "OMG where can I get more?" lol.... and now ... even though I really thought there was big interest from him.... I remember YEARS ago when I was single... if a man really liked me, he would call or email after the date and firm up a second date and want to get to know each other even more.

 

I guess I am just disappointed.

 

But I won't be Jon Favreau in Swingers... don't worry lol.

[MJJean]

I think you are right! And yes, the way he looked at me.. so intense.. like he could see way down into me... I had no idea what to do with that. Also he has beautiful blue eyes..So I would grin kind of.. hold the stare for a brief second and then look down or away or somewhere cause I was not sure what it was.

 

I "think" he was trying to see if there was a connection or potential for connection...

 

Problem is today.. I have no idea what the rules are..ie dating etiquette. Texting I guess is "where it's at".. and I have received a few after I texted but nothing conversational. No idea what comes next.

 

I used to be so confident in dating... I never was "this" girl who questioned what does this mean, what does that mean... but for the first time in what seems forever, I FEEL something.

 

.... and I liked it. Now I guess am afraid that maybe it was in my head or I am imagining that connection lol.

 

Guys really do think so differently than women so.... IDK! But if a man really had a great time, he would let her know and lock down a second date. Or am I just so out of the loop lol.

 

 

 

 

Oh THAT is a given! (and he does... alot!)

 

The rules are what you make them. Be yourself. If you want to call or text, do it. You're not looking to play games, so why not just do what you feel like doing and see where you go?

[Ralph79]

even though I really thought there was big interest from him.... I remember YEARS ago when I was single... if a man really liked me, he would call or email after the date and firm up a second date and want to get to know each other even more.

 

I guess I am just disappointed.

 

 

I thought he did:

 

When we left.. we walked to his car since it was closer than to mine, he hugged me and said "let's do this again". I said "Definitely! I am down".

 

And maybe he's taking his time because you have both been through a divorce and he's being careful that neither you or him get hurt? I dunno, it could play a part in this not being rushed into. That could mean he's the real deal. Then again I'm the last person who should be giving opinions on dating.

 

In any case , cheers and good luck with your date.

[Misadventure]

I thought he did:

 

 

 

And maybe he's taking his time because you have both been through a divorce and he's being careful that neither you or him get hurt? I dunno, it could play a part in this not being rushed into. That could mean he's the real deal. Then again I'm the last person who should be giving opinions on dating.

 

In any case , cheers and good luck with your date.

 

 

Ralph I thought maybe he did also... but when I mentioned it to my guy friend he said "I don't know, he could have been just saying that to be polite or maybe he rethought it after".

 

His divorce was over 10 yrs ago, so if he is still licking wounds from that- there was some major damage. He seems totally happy and fine and "healed" from things he said.

 

I think I am just being a girl.. which I am not used to acting or thinking like this... just the first time I have really liked someone and had this twinkle in a long time.

 

You have some good points. I will see what happens... no call or text tonight though and kind of days alot. I will be surprised if anything tomorrow... that will kind of tell me.

 

It's ok... this means I DO HAVE these feelings still locked away inside me and they can come out... just takes the right combination.....

 

 

Grrrrr.... I really wanted to have kissed this guy... if I DO get the opportunity to date him again.. I am kissing him!

[jakrbbt]

Reading about your past and possibly future relationships, I think you'd really like the book "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. People fall into different attachment styles, and the "anxious attachment" style (think Bridget Jones saying 'omg does he like me, why hasn't he called back") does not just belong to women. Plenty of men have it too. Then lots of women are avoidant style. The key is that we all crave and need human attachment. We all need it. It's just that the "anxious attachment" ones try to grab at it and fear losing it, the "avoidant attachment" ones suppress the need, try to secure lots of chances at attachments, or try to avoid being hurt by it. But we all have the need, it's a human need. And "secure attachment" styles are the most harmonious, and can be learned. Of course, people carry around lots of other issues that influence how they are in relationships. But I think that understanding your attachment style-- and the style of the person you're with-- is so important. If you're anxious attachment style, for instance, you won't do well at all with someone who's avoidant style (not to be confused with someone who's just a jerk-- that's a different issue). I mention the book because it's well-researched, well-respected, and it offers helpful vignettes of real people's stories that can be eye-opening. Anyway, best of luck on continuing to move on.

Edited January 26, 2015 by jakrbbt

[Misadventure]

Thank you, I want to read this! I will definitely look into it.

 

I have to say I am disappointed. I talked to some good guy friends and pretty much they said he seems like a player.. masked by an adorable innocent looking face.

 

Well, he at least taught me that my feelings are not dead inside... so really.. I guess was successful, right?

 

So here I am... ready to get back out there.. and it IS scary... and meanwhile my ex H had no problems... and he is not even remotely as cute as I am.. ...what gives?!

[Ralph79]

So here I am... ready to get back out there.. and it IS scary...

 

The word you actually meant is Exciting.

 

You are much wiser this time around so you are trying to put your feet back on the ground it seems. That must have been some look he gave you.

[Misadventure]

The word you actually meant is Exciting.

 

You are much wiser this time around so you are trying to put your feet back on the ground it seems. That must have been some look he gave you.

 

It really was some look he gave me.. it pierced right through me.. and it didn't happen just once, happened three times. It really .. moved me.. made me .. feel. I think that's why I am kind of p!ssed of atm lol... more so just disappointed.

 

Exciting in the moment perhaps.. but then afterwards...

[trippi1432]

If only it were so easy to find the perfect guy once the divorce and the waiting were done.......

 

Divorced for 10 years, yeah, he should have his head on straight....really does depend on how well one goes about their healing. I had a small red flag on my exBF who had been divorced about 10 years when I met him....the longest relationship he had been in lasted about a year and there were only a few at that. (which is good....but short-lived.....)

 

I was just grateful he wasn't one of those guys who was hitting up every woman on OLD; however, the opposite of a player is the emotionally unavailable. The challenge is finding the healthy-minded man in between those extremes. And the funny thing is.....that's the actual agenda for most men and women.

 

Keep in mind that if he has been single for 10 years, he's probably been dating a lot longer than you have. A player?? Perhaps, too soon to tell really since you just got to know him.

 

Time to get busy, don't worry about sitting around waiting for this guy to call and don't give him power over your emotions. I'm sure that there are other interesting men on there that you could chat with to get to know.

 

(((Hugs!!)))

[Misadventure]

I think you are right, Tripps. I think it's just disappointing.. it's been a REALLY LONG time since anyone made me feel any "twinkle" at all. But at least I found that it's there lol. Funny thing is, even if nothing romantic, I would have liked to be his friend as we had stuff in common and things really flowed. Oh well.

 

Like you said.. onward.

 

I just hate that I am back in the dating pool.

 

A big part of me wants to flick off the dating pool and the ex H for putting me there after all his shenanigans and stay at home and cuddle with my dogs lol.

[dumped2013]

Hey MisA,

Dating sucks. Some of my most enjoyable evenings have been cuddled up on the couch with my cat and a fire watching a movie. My D was final September 2013 and I have learned to be happy being by myself. I'm glad to see you are moving on.

[Misadventure]

Heya hun! I think I am fine with "me" if that makes sense... my first reaction is to avoid dating to avoid getting hurt. BUT... it would be amazing to have "that" feeling again.

 

NOT butterflies.... lol.

[Misadventure]

Hi sexy ladies and gents!

 

I feel better today.

 

Rebooting, starting over and loving "me".

[trippi1432]

:) Now that sounds like a step in the right direction.

 

Woot!! MisA!!

[jakrbbt]

OK based on your recent posts, one more recommendation for you.

 

Brene Brown did a ted talk called "the power of vulnerability." You can you-tube it.

 

It's very engaging, entertaining, short (20 mins or less), and I think it speaks to right where you are now.

 

Dive in and live your beautiful story that is no one else's.

[Misadventure]

TY Tripps and Jak!

 

I will definitely look into it too, Jak.

 

I was realizing today... I do miss having a "spark" and companionship...it's really the 1st time in a long time.. and it's odd because now I am surrounded by people and my dogs... before was just my dogs lol.

[trippi1432]

That was awesome Jakrbbt, thank you for suggesting.

[Misadventure]

Hi guys...I kind of had a set back. Really wanting your help so I can try and figure this out within myself so I can REALLY move on. As I do want to.

 

So last Friday I went to a rescue dinner...and it was by my old home...it got out late and I had some wine that night, I was exhausted.. and kind of auto piloted myself to my home... my OLD home.

 

I ended up two houses away from my old home when I realized....WTH I don't live here anymore- drive drive!

 

I do start to drive past my old house and I see two cars there... my ex's and a very feminine SUV. This was at least by 11:30 at night I was there.

 

I do a double take....What?! Who is there in my old home... in my former bathtub...kitchen..living room...life!

 

Yes... I know this is irrational... I DO NOT want him back...but it really affected me... I drove back around as he STILL has no curtains on the windows since I moved...lights are all on...

 

I sit back and take a breath.... WTH are you doing... leave.. just leave. Whoever it is, they can have his sorry a.$.$ and the spotted pen.!.s show.

 

I talked to my former neighbor as she had wanted me to come by the night before since I was in area... (little did she know)... and I explained what happened.. she looked out and said was still there.

 

I think why I am bothered is twofold.....He is fully able to move on and I am not or haven't and I deeply want to... and that used to be MY home...someone else is there with him in the life we had planned. Granted I do not want him, and the thought of him as anything but dart board practice is nauseating to me....but it just makes me feel bad and I am not sure why.... I start thinking the domino effect ... Who is she, is she prettier than me....smarter...thinner... And then the full circle... Whoever she is.. she deserves better than HIM.

 

 

So... W T H is wrong with me and is this all normal?

 

Is it that...it's one thing to know about it or rationalize the reality .. but another thing to see it?

[chew123]

MisA,

 

I think what you are thinking is totally normal and expected. I know you don't want him back but it still pisses you off that he has totally moved on and you are still a little stuck.

 

You just need more time. You will get there. And remember no matter how good you think the person he is with is, she is not as good as you. He blew that chance. I think it takes those who really loved more time to move forward on things.

 

I have a bit of the same problem. My ex is already mostly living with her AP. Trying to introduce him around to our friends. I think she wants our son to meet him. And we are not even divorced yet.

 

The thing is I would not take her back in a million years after the way she treated me and I know she is not coming back. But it still bugs me that she is totally moved on and I am nowhere near that.

 

We both just need more time and distance to get to the point where we don't care what they do. And if we here about them it has no effect on us. My wife is planning to get married soon as far as I know and when that day comes I want to be able to truly say and feel "meh, who cares, the cheaters deserve each other". I know I will get there sooner or later and so will you.

 

This too shall pass.

[Ralph79]

Hi guys...I kind of had a set back. Really wanting your help so I can try and figure this out within myself so I can REALLY move on. As I do want to.

 

So last Friday I went to a rescue dinner...and it was by my old home...it got out late and I had some wine that night, I was exhausted.. and kind of auto piloted myself to my home... my OLD home.

 

I ended up two houses away from my old home when I realized....WTH I don't live here anymore- drive drive!

 

I do start to drive past my old house and I see two cars there... my ex's and a very feminine SUV. This was at least by 11:30 at night I was there.

 

I do a double take....What?! Who is there in my old home... in my former bathtub...kitchen..living room...life!

 

Yes... I know this is irrational... I DO NOT want him back...but it really affected me... I drove back around as he STILL has no curtains on the windows since I moved...lights are all on...

 

I sit back and take a breath.... WTH are you doing... leave.. just leave. Whoever it is, they can have his sorry a.$.$ and the spotted pen.!.s show.

 

I talked to my former neighbor as she had wanted me to come by the night before since I was in area... (little did she know)... and I explained what happened.. she looked out and said was still there.

 

I think why I am bothered is twofold.....He is fully able to move on and I am not or haven't and I deeply want to... and that used to be MY home...someone else is there with him in the life we had planned. Granted I do not want him, and the thought of him as anything but dart board practice is nauseating to me....but it just makes me feel bad and I am not sure why.... I start thinking the domino effect ... Who is she, is she prettier than me....smarter...thinner... And then the full circle... Whoever she is.. she deserves better than HIM.

 

 

So... W T H is wrong with me and is this all normal?

 

Is it that...it's one thing to know about it or rationalize the reality .. but another thing to see it?

 

Several months after divorcing my ex-wife, (something I finally had the courage to do due to how adamant she was on leaving me for her xBF and her BPD disorder, not to mention abusive), I started driving towards her home town from a job site that was closer to her parents house than mine. I spent 30 minutes driving, going over what toy I would buy her nephew, what her dad would think about a recent sports outcome, and then it hit me ... I'm divorced!!!.

 

I had a complete total brain lapse. I've been to that job site before and she usually stayed with her parents whenever I had to work there. I had driven that route several times, but it was the first time I had revisited it after the divorce. When the work day was finished my brain functioned as if I had never broken things up with her. I drove back for 30 min. + 2 hours to get to my home town, being really grateful that I snapped backed into reality just in time. That's the only time it's happened to me.

 

In regards to what you're feeling, I honestly think you are looking for things that aren't there. You are feeling unnecessary pain because subconsciously you are seeking it.

 

You have to adjust your state of mind. I've posted this video before on another thread, it's a short 7:00 clip I really recommend you watch. Pay special attention to the segment that starts at the 2:07 so you can see what I'm talking about

 

 

After watching that part you will realize:

 

1. You don't know who was there.

2. You don't know the relationship between the person there an your husband.

3. You don't even know if the person if female. You want to assume it because of the looks of the car. It could have been borrowed, it could have been an effeminate guy or it might have not been as feminine as you think. It was 11:30 at night after all.

 

The point I'm trying to make is, you are thinking things that hurt you because you want to, not because they are happening. Stop hurting. Let go of the pain.

 

I'm not saying you are in-love with him, but he's clearly still important to you. There's nothing wrong with that. Just channel your feelings and know he's not worth feeling any pain for. Not anymore.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Ralph79

[lgspot]

Misadventure,

Remember, right now it's just a house. When you were there it was a home!!!

 

It's not a race. He may have moved to someone first, but you have done things the right way. You WILL find your happiness! He will continue on his same old path. You will be the one having the adventures and finding true happiness....

 

MisA~~~ today it's just a house with a pinto penis....

And a girly SUV.

 

Your day is coming........

Where you are will be home!

[No Limit]

See it from this point of view - WSes go for the short-term, BSes for the long-term. But the long-term stuff always need much, much more time for preparation. There's no need to compare, we're all different and all have different qualities - and then there's the bottom who doesn't even know what "quality" means if it bit them in the butt, and looking back on your older posts that's where your ex is right now even if it looks just like a normal house to you.

 

Also, finding sexual partners don't mean that he's moved on. I think memories of betrayals like this will be with him for a long time, even if he doesn't show it.

[Misadventure]

Chew, what you said is so beautiful, thank you. You are a beautiful person. I am so very sorry about your ex. I think what you said is spot on... we loved and gave with our whole heart... and for those of us who actually did, it's just longer and harder to move on.

 

I am SO wanting the day that I can proudly say "meh, who cares, the cheaters deserve each other".

 

Something to aim for, will be so happy, when that day comes.

 

Thank you for letting me know I am not completely crazy heh.

_________________________

 

Ralph, THANK YOU, I will go see that video. I think you have a point too... my best friend told me "Could be a guy and he could be completely g.a.y now"... it made me smile.. but you have point. I need to just STOP.. and let this pain go and let it all go. I will watch the video tonight when I am home, thank you. I am glad btw that you realized before you drove so long lol.

 

________________________

 

Misadventure,

Remember, right now it's just a house. When you were there it was a home!!!

 

It's not a race. He may have moved to someone first, but you have done things the right way. You WILL find your happiness! He will continue on his same old path. You will be the one having the adventures and finding true happiness....

 

MisA~~~ today it's just a house with a pinto penis....

And a girly SUV.

 

Your day is coming........

Where you are will be home!

 

 

This made me laugh SO HARD- THANK YOU.. and you are right.. trying to find my new adventure.

 

lol pinto penis!

 

 

_____________________________________________________

 

NL, that is a good POV. I do think this will stay with him too as much as he moves on... It would just be so nice to have my life back on track.. its been over a yr and half.. but then I think... this is where I am supposed to be.. for w/e reason.. this is where I am supposed to be and "it" will come, whatever it is.. and my journey will get better. It has to.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Misadventure

[MJJean]

I don't think you're crazy, either. I drove by my townhouse a few times after the split because I missed it. Ex wasn't even living there. I just went by because that townhouse represented a part of my past that was a good time. Not because of my ex but despite him.

 

That's where I lived when my middle kid was born, where I got pregnant with my youngest, where I had a lot of parties with the neighbors, where we'd (my friends and I )sneak into the pool at night to avoid the 3,000 kids there during the day, etc.

 

I wasn't going back because I gave a whit about the ex. I was just nostalgic. You've said you don't want the ex back and I don't think you do. I think you just went there and felt what you felt because it was a good place, a good time in your life, before it all fell apart and now you're wanting that good time to happen again with someone new. Who, of course, is taking his sweet a$$ time appearing in your life. Men! Always late!