Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Misadventure]

Balzac, we have two cars. The one I am driving is in his name and is paid off. The one he is driving is in both our names and has a loan. I agree with you that I am lucky that we didn't have kids.

 

I hope to get out from under this mist too. It would be really nice to be able to feel just happy again.

 

Why is it in his best interest financially right now?

[Balzac]

He's basically supporting your needs and at the same time holding you hostage in a house you cannot afford on your own, driving a vehicle that's not been maintained, all of which you are enjoying at the consequence of a lesser payout when the agreed settlement is signed.

 

You're unprepared to make a decision about housing. You really lack adequate financial facts to know what's affordable. That day will come.

Why would your stbexH choose to remain a deed holder on an underwater house in need of a major repair? You can choose a vehicle w debt or a clear title transferred to your name. [unless the car is premarital].

 

What I fear is that you had been living on a thin thread and he's cutting out while the getting is easy. Sure he's making a salary and after the marital debts.assets are split he'll very likely be making payments to you. Payments because he won't have cash or access to borrowed funds to pay you up front. I hope I'm wrong. It's not within your control so not worth worrying about.

Edited August 29, 2013 by Balzac

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Mis.

 

I worry that you are not aware of the difference between temporary spousal support and divorce.

 

I also worry that you are making decisions about what you are entitled to without really understanding either your actual financial situation or debts.

 

These are mistakes that are very serious.

 

I don't know the specific laws of your state...but neither are you until you have your lawyer assess the situation. He needs to disclose all the debt and financials for you to know and right now you don't have any idea.

 

I worry about you and wish you would have your legal and financial rights taken care of.

 

Nobody will file the papers with the court until you are ready, but you are making all decisions off of one step.

 

I had this same argument with my niece years ago...

 

IIWII

[trippi1432]

Hi MisA - Just a warning about selling things in the garage, if you live in an equal distribution state, the judge will look at this poorly at D day and make you pay him half of anything you sell. When my second exH left, he came by to "think" he could empty the contents of the garage...NO NO NO. I had already spoken to a lawyer who informed me everything had to be listed.

 

If you sell anything, make sure he doesn't have any receipts for anything you off-load as he can present them in court or to his lawyer (just a warning)...will be your word against his. I "gave" my parents a very nice riding lawnmower to settle my stbxh's $300 debt to my grandfather that my parents paid on his behalf, I say all of that very loosely because half of nothing is nothing.

 

Luckily I learned the hard way as I had been married before to a serial cheat who walked away while I was at work and just left a note on the table. The note even said, "I can't do this anymore, I love you and always will. Here's some money for you & S (our 3 year old daughter)". About as empty as his love was, so was any money. Why? Well, he was a serial cheat and he left because I put pressure on Momma's boy to get a job or I was going to leave and take the car. And, as his mother informed him, I was a bad wife because I didn't take care of him and keep the house clean......while I worked 3 jobs, 7 days a week, to keep us up and he went out every night to party....on the only money we had. The only time the man even kept down a job in five years was when I was pregnant with our daughter and I didn't work.... (oh...and the house was immaculate). I even got pregnant when she was six months old and miscarried, I have looked back on that several times and knew that a higher power knew better. Even before I got pregnant, he would only work when I left a job even when I said we could do much better if we both worked.

 

When he left, I lost all of my jobs....because of one little thing, a car. I think that was my turning point to realize that my survival and our daughter's survival depended on one thing.....it no longer became a man, it became a car. Being abandoned, it really changes your perspective, being left penniless with a child...changes your perspective, it becomes about survival because being a victim isn't who you identify with.

 

Fast forward to 3 months after he left, I tried to get help, but I was forced to move out of state...."help" back then isn't what it was today. I had to live a year in my birth state before I could even hire a lawyer and because I was working, SS couldn't even got inter-state to make him pay CS...so I had to wait...and I did. He "ran" to my state to get away from a woman he knocked up, one he had been having an affair with. I immediately went to the magistrate and took out a warrant. He called me before he was served wanting to be a family again, wanting to come back "home". I asked him with whom? Me, his daughter and should we bring along his whore and her kid she was carrying. He ran from her and she put the child up for adoption? Needless to say, I had a CS order ever since until our daughter aged out and it doubled after he lied for 8 years about his income. He also told his daughter that I tried to steal his car and that was why he skipped town and abandoned her..it was my fault. I had a lien on the car to get it fixed....the lien company came after me for the debt after he skipped out.

 

I still didn't file for the divorce MisA...he did, 3 years later. When he was ready to get remarried. With my second marriage...my exH left and I filed immediately after he replaced me but kept coming back to our home when they (who were both cheaters) had a fight. There was no dignity in this man or in the marriage anymore. The lesson I learned, in my first marriage, at 3 months in, done was done...I should have filed, I just couldn't due to stupid inter-state laws. But if you want redemption in court for how long you waited, standing for something someone else says is over..there is not empathy there...they just smack the gavel on the desk and yell next. Divorce happens everyday...to be a judge and see it must be sad.

 

Great he is paying now, he pays some of the bills for him, not for you. It's his credit too. The more you understand he is watching out for himself and not you, you will understand the more you need to take care of you. Right now, anything you do will be made out to be causing him issues, when he is the one causing the issues. I hope for you that things change for the better where you can call your own shots and take control of your life. I do understand right now you are in limbo..but I think that there is a very strong woman under all of this.

[Mystery2Me]

Thanks Trippi for your insight and expert perspective. I actually offered this option...donating his stuff.

 

You are absolutely correct, and I did only donate after legal advice which included a time table which after accessibility to claim personsal items was ignored.

 

In the early days it was quite intriguing that for all the grand standing of I am leaving you, one could not come and gather their belongings. After 15 yrs of marriage I knew that would happen.

 

May God bless us ALL~Mystery

[PlumPrincess]

Jane, I promise you that I have no delusions or hopes that he is coming back. That is not why I am not filing yet.

 

I think in part it is because I know he wants me to file so he won't have to spend the money to file. The fact that I am not doing what he wants, which is give him a cheap divorce, just sign, etc and roll over...this is an inconvenience and stress to him. For all that he has done to me, said, hurt me etc.. good! I also am not ready to leave my home yet.

 

Also, myself and family just paid the retainer on the lawyer, I don't have several hundred to pay right now to file and my family has been helping me in what ways they can, they are also helping put my siblings through college.

 

Mystery, I am going to pop on by and speak with the paralegals at the office tomorrow and see what options there may be. For me to consider filing is a big step in itself. A couple weeks ago, I said no, he would need to. I am slowly getting there, I know everyone here has gone through stuff. I am doing what I can. I am still dealing with all of this emotionally.

 

Balzac, can I apply for Snap if we are separated? I am also not sure at what point the court etc will eventually divide our once combined account in half since he had removed me.

I don't know anything about failed marriages and divorces, but I would listen to people like Jane who have experience with these things. Whatever you think your husbands wants you to do or not to do, don't you think all the other women here didn't have a husband who acted quite similar?

[MsOptimist]

I think it's perfectly fine that you may not be ready to file yet - not for holding out hope, just not being there yet mentally given everything else that's happening all at once. I get that, and I was there at the beginning. I did reach a point where I was ready to file until he finally stepped up and did it.

 

All of these steps are a process, and file when you feel ready for it. I'm glad that your family helped out with a retainer for a lawyer. I think you'll feel much better getting guidance from a lawyer and can know a little more what to expect.

[Misadventure]

Hey guys, I hope everyone had a good weekend. My sister was here visiting and we did alot of pre-wedding stuff, she is getting married next yr.

 

I was surprised...I imagined and dreaded going to the bridal stores..the same ones I had been to and the last time I had been there was for my wedding..But, I actually was surprised to find I did not get sad or think about myself or situation there. It was ALL about my baby sis.

 

I think what were the low points were when everyone was at the family house and I had to come home cause all my dogs and it just felt very quiet, and I did feel really alone.

 

I started wondering.. it's a 3 day weekend, he is probably off with whatever wh*re he is seeing or met.. made me blue..but at the same time, I am also becoming fine without him. It's like a duality that I feel.

 

You ladies and gents have really gave me some things to think about. I did discuss things with my parents this weekend about the "what ifs" and pros and cons of me filing versus waiting for the guy who wants greener grass to file. Undecided but at least I made this conversation and its not off the table, I think I am just not "there" yet, and maybe I will be, who knows.

 

My Mom actually said I should start distracting myself with another guy...not a relationship..but just a distraction...going out...conversation.."maybe etc (and I am not even sure I can do that)"..what do you think?

[darkmoon]

You have absolute freedom now. Go where the mood takes you. Your mom will not let you down.

 

Boring evenings out are best left unrepeated, sure.

 

Good evenings out leave you distracted successfully, troubles behind you.

[revitup]

Hey guys, I hope everyone had a good weekend. My sister was here visiting and we did alot of pre-wedding stuff, she is getting married next yr.

 

I was surprised...I imagined and dreaded going to the bridal stores..the same ones I had been to and the last time I had been there was for my wedding..But, I actually was surprised to find I did not get sad or think about myself or situation there. It was ALL about my baby sis.

 

I think what were the low points were when everyone was at the family house and I had to come home cause all my dogs and it just felt very quiet, and I did feel really alone.

 

I started wondering.. it's a 3 day weekend, he is probably off with whatever wh*re he is seeing or met.. made me blue..but at the same time, I am also becoming fine without him. It's like a duality that I feel.

 

You ladies and gents have really gave me some things to think about. I did discuss things with my parents this weekend about the "what ifs" and pros and cons of me filing versus waiting for the guy who wants greener grass to file. Undecided but at least I made this conversation and its not off the table, I think I am just not "there" yet, and maybe I will be, who knows.

 

My Mom actually said I should start distracting myself with another guy...not a relationship..but just a distraction...going out...conversation.."maybe etc (and I am not even sure I can do that)"..what do you think?

 

You should listen to your mother....where are you now?

 

You seem to be making the changeover when you mention duality.It is almost the tipping point when you see some light on the other side and become happy about not being as sad as before.Yeah that is crazy sounding but it went that way for me.

 

Good to hear from you and great to see your focus on something different than the Wayward knucklehead.

 

Good stuff MsA!

 

REVITUP

[It-is-what-it-is.]

There is no harm in getting out there, taking off your wedding ring, putting on some makeup, heels and cute outfit and rediscovering your single self.

 

Maybe you aren't ready to date...but hey some practice runs would help you get comfy in your own skin...and who knows, maybe by the time you are ready you will have met some new friends.

 

Always listen to Mom. (Wink)

 

You are doing great.

[trippi1432]

It doesn't necessarily have to be finding a guy to distract yourself with, perhaps in time. Nothing wrong with going out with friends though and doing some harmless flirting. Be careful being vulnerable right now, you don't want to wind up with someone worse than your stbx.

 

I think the best thing my mother said to me one night was "I don't know why you are so upset, you should be celebrating, you always deserved better anyway". Self esteem does get crushed, but she was right.

 

One of the things we forget is how we appear in other's eyes, we get caught up in how our exiting spouse saw us....they were supposed to know us better than anyone else right? Not really...Mom, Dad...they know you better and see you differently, they are supposed to.

 

You know what, you are not the person this "grass is greener" person has laid on you, or the low self-esteem he has left you with. There are other's here who have been through this, Mystery2Me, MsOptimist and even myself can tell you this much I believe "Things fall apart so better things can fall together". What makes us different from the "bad appendages" (and I love that because I could post a lot about that myself) is that we have no problem being just who we are and create real love. We aren't the ones "running" for something else, we know what we deserve.

 

So, the distraction you need is learning to love you because that is what will attract the right man. Honestly, attracting the wrongs ones is very easy, it's getting even. Self-esteem starts with respecting yourself and knowing you can't cure stupid and you are worth so much more.

[revitup]

It doesn't necessarily have to be finding a guy to distract yourself with, perhaps in time. Nothing wrong with going out with friends though and doing some harmless flirting. Be careful being vulnerable right now, you don't want to wind up with someone worse than your stbx.

 

I think the best thing my mother said to me one night was "I don't know why you are so upset, you should be celebrating, you always deserved better anyway". Self esteem does get crushed, but she was right.

 

One of the things we forget is how we appear in other's eyes, we get caught up in how our exiting spouse saw us....they were supposed to know us better than anyone else right? Not really...Mom, Dad...they know you better and see you differently, they are supposed to.

 

You know what, you are not the person this "grass is greener" person has laid on you, or the low self-esteem he has left you with. There are other's here who have been through this, Mystery2Me, MsOptimist and even myself can tell you this much I believe "Things fall apart so better things can fall together". What makes us different from the "bad appendages" (and I love that because I could post a lot about that myself) is that we have no problem being just who we are and create real love. We aren't the ones "running" for something else, we know what we deserve.

 

So, the distraction you need is learning to love you because that is what will attract the right man. Honestly, attracting the wrongs ones is very easy, it's getting even. Self-esteem starts with respecting yourself and knowing you can't cure stupid and you are worth so much more.

 

I really mean this from the heart-This was one of the best-probably THE best posts about the question at hand,that I have ever read.:)Amazing insight and just so right.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

You hit the nail on the head..I think I have been viewing myself how my stbx has been since he has known me and supposedly loved me...and how he just wanted something else, and left me..left me, blinded..lost. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know who I am now.

 

Yes, I am in no way looking for a relationship but I think a good distraction would be maybe just somewhat positive.

 

Rev, yes... I was so amazed afterward that I hadn't broke down at the Bridal salon.. like even now I think I could walk in with my sister and be ok in it..I didn't flash back to my own bridal moment..I didn't cry, I didn't feel heartbroken there... I think I was just so happy for my sister, that overcame everything. I did NOT think of me. It felt really good.

 

I wonder if I will ever be happy again like my sister is...Some nights I feel really alone and down.. like tonight. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking, doing, and I want to stop. He left me after all. Penniless too.. He wants someone else, something else. He was on dating websites claiming to be divorced and when caught he had NO remorse just upset that people were talking sh*t about it and him.

 

He actually had the nerve to message my sister on FB and say (I got to read it this weekend) "You won't believe the sh*t your sister has been telling people, and what her friends are doing to me. I wish you a good life, you are a good person".... Seriously???

Does he take no responsibility for his actions??!!

 

Granted, what my friend did by taking his picture from the dating website and advertising what he did publically on THAT dating website and on a very shared FB page was probably humiliating. But don't do the sh*t if you don't want to get called out like the pig rat B*st*rd you are!!!

 

ok..breathing deep, and trying to reboot.

[revitup]

MsA-You earned that one little spazz....

 

What a great turn of events for you.You are right where we've been and some who haven't gotten that far yet!It's ok.

 

I really think it was a strong gesture on your part to put aside your fears for your sister-it had to be a little unsettling to go there.

 

The feeling that our wayward ones somehow "define" our happiness and our very self worth by thinking of us in a demeaning way-that's a trap I went for and I fell for as well.It is so sneaky how they manage bit by bit to get into our self esteem banks.

 

It's also easy to dwell on what they're doing and with whom.I still sometimes wonder about things-then slap myself with the facts in about three seconds!

 

This may sound crazy but I think about Forrest Gump! Forrest was like me (well a little) he was always "there" for Jenny (STBXWW) and Jenny was out getting all diseased and drugged up-while inside knowing she could return to REV...I mean Forrest.In the end Jenny came home and Forrest had her back-but it wasn't good.I have rewritten the ending of my Gump book.

 

There is NO Jenny in my box of chocolates!

 

Go have a good day MsA-it's your day!

 

REVITUP

Edited September 4, 2013 by revitup
word

[Misadventure]

LOL Thanks I needed that laugh and that was a good contrast and compare!

 

Yeah, I need to maybe have some post its ready for me for the times like tonight, so I can slap myself with the facts.

[trippi1432]

The point about "things falling apart so better things can fall together"...there can be a Jenny in the Box of Chocolates when you let go of what ails you. You create your life...you can also un-create the one that wasn't the right one for you.

[Misfortune]

"But don't do the sh*t if you don't want to get called out like the pig rat B*st*rd you are!!!"

 

This! My ex"wife" left me for someone else but is still pretending she's married to me to any of her family that doesn't already know. She's all worried about who knows. They act so smug and proud with their actions but can't take the consequences that come with it. They humiliate you and expect to continuing on living like saints. Such weak people. Here you are defending these people to your friends and family; "not my bf/gf/husband/wife......" Weeks or months later, they prove you wrong, you're left picking up the pieces and have to face all those same people that you defend them against while they run from it all; that's the most humiliating part to me.

[trippi1432]

LOL Thanks I needed that laugh and that was a good contrast and compare!

 

Yeah, I need to maybe have some post its ready for me for the times like tonight, so I can slap myself with the facts.

 

MisA - There is a fighter in you, you are better than this....it's apparent. What he does is not your concern anymore, this is the door..show him how hard it slams hun. (absent Facebook..that's a presence...don't give him that either).

[Misadventure]

Misf, well, I don't defend any of what he did/does...in fact, I want my friends and family to know...so that when I am down, they can point out all these things that he has done that I already know... I am just sorry that this happened to you too.

 

Trip, there IS a fighter in me.. I don't know why sometimes I just feel that part of me is dormant. It's amazing though how she comes out at the unexpected times and lashes out and calls him all the names he needs to be called.

 

I DO want to get to that point where I don't care what he does anymore....it hurts me still. I think once I get to that point emotionally and he hasn't filed yet (which he still hasn't)... I just may. I actually have been thinking about it, just not emotionally ready. Hoping he will do it so he pays for it, and the rain of hell that I hope my lawyer will be.

[trippi1432]

Misf, well, I don't defend any of what he did/does...in fact, I want my friends and family to know...so that when I am down, they can point out all these things that he has done that I already know... I am just sorry that this happened to you too.

 

Trip, there IS a fighter in me.. I don't know why sometimes I just feel that part of me is dormant. It's amazing though how she comes out at the unexpected times and lashes out and calls him all the names he needs to be called.

 

I DO want to get to that point where I don't care what he does anymore....it hurts me still. I think once I get to that point emotionally and he hasn't filed yet (which he still hasn't)... I just may. I actually have been thinking about it, just not emotionally ready. Hoping he will do it so he pays for it, and the rain of hell that I hope my lawyer will be.

 

MisA - understood on this part of the fight, it's the emotional hurt of what he has done, but the true fight is being one step ahead of him, taking the best care of yourself, and putting him behind you. He's not even worthy of your anger. But I do understand it. Took me a while to let go of that anger and emotional hurt too. Just don't let him take advantage of you, it's okay to put YOU first.

[Mystery2Me]

Ms.A you are doing so well with the anger phase, must admit I could have used a bit of your steam.

 

Now don't get me wrong anger is very healthy and you will return to it many times. I did at the ending of my 16 yrs.

 

My concern is that you are making your recovery contingent on his understanding just what a...well what did you call him....

 

Anyway let me tell ya (and many others can too, Trippi, MsO, Rev, Standfast, and Gunny), you MUST shift your ability to be happy from him to YOU.

 

You certainly know, I know (because you are amazing), We know (because you put up with his issues just to pull this cowardly stunt)...he is C-R-A-Z-Y!!!.

 

So darling, why would a beautiful/amazing/smart lady wait for C-R-A-Z-Y set you free?

 

All joking aside, you've gotta let go and please do not only use his poor behavior to remind you. Being kind to yourself is very important too because simply you deserve only the best.

[Misadventure]

You guys are wonderful, your message really touched me. Thank you. Also reminded me that I need to STOP thinking about this effing bloke and focus, like you said, on me.

 

I am scared of today.. the 5th... its two months today.

 

But I made it to two months and its not as bad as the first... the first several weeks..the divorce diet it forced me on...I have come a long way.

 

Today in fact, I went to dinner with someone (I am bad and had a burger..bad bad bad padawan) who I hadn't seen in a month. She said I looked pretty good, had my glow back...and that I looked just good.

 

It felt good to hear this..I certainly don't feel it yet but I feel better than I did.

 

Yes, anger.....didn't feel anger yesterday..and probably won't today.. just kinda blue. Don't worry I won't let "C-R-A-Z-Y" control me by making me angry 24/7 but I would rather feel anger than sadness. I would like to eventually just feel indifferent.

 

I didn't do the new haircut in the 180 yet...maybe I should do that after work.

 

Two months... so much has happened, and so little has happened..but my world IS changed.

[WreckedDan]

Hey MisA,

Wow.. you are rocking girl! The blues come and go, they do even when you think you are happy. It's three parts chemistry and one part change. They get softer though, like each time you feel it the dimmer switch slides down a bit, so next time it's not so blinding. Anger is a super useful tool, but eventually it will make you tired then a part of you will just give up holding on to it when it just becomes a weight. That is when acceptance kicks in and you slowly become indifferent. Even then, small moments will bum you out... believe that.

 

Don't ket the burger bum you out... treat yourself from time to time, because you are worth it! After I had not eaten in like 3 or 4 days I read that I should treat myself so I went to Taco Time... lol, not much of a treat but it was something I enjoy from time to time. Just tough not to make it a habbit and ruin all the free weightloss

 

Keep up the momentum,

Dan

[revitup]

Hey MisA,

Wow.. you are rocking girl! The blues come and go, they do even when you think you are happy. It's three parts chemistry and one part change. They get softer though, like each time you feel it the dimmer switch slides down a bit, so next time it's not so blinding. Anger is a super useful tool, but eventually it will make you tired then a part of you will just give up holding on to it when it just becomes a weight. That is when acceptance kicks in and you slowly become indifferent. Even then, small moments will bum you out... believe that.

 

Don't ket the burger bum you out... treat yourself from time to time, because you are worth it! After I had not eaten in like 3 or 4 days I read that I should treat myself so I went to Taco Time... lol, not much of a treat but it was something I enjoy from time to time. Just tough not to make it a habbit and ruin all the free weightloss

 

Keep up the momentum,

Dan

 

MsA, That anger thing still gets to me sometimes.Not because I have "lost" her,just because I wasted my time on pleasing her.I could have been doing something for myself and my DD15 instead of pleasing her.

 

Anger is good-just direct it in a positive direction.A direction you choose!

 

Taco Time? I could go in the gutter here but I digress.

 

Have a great day and smile like you know the biggest secret in the world!

 

REVITUP