Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Misadventure]

TY guys seriously.. spider, I am trying to tell that to myself and most days I do see that it's him... some days I just feel down. Like today.. but I am going to do what someone said and get dolled up and go to my friend's bash tonight.

 

The locks are changed. I am guarding my dog ferociously when I can.

 

Today I have just been kind of an anxious wreck... worrying about if I will at least have a few months to get myself on my feet before being told to leave the house. I am just a mess. This has been my home for 6 yrs and I am not the one who effing left and he is the one who cut off finances...him wanting temporary and permanent possession of the house immediately, for me to pay his effing attorney fees, all non-marital and marital assets, the dogs, both cars... I am just sick about this today.

 

I should be able to reside here until divorce is finalized since he makes ALOT more than I do... and he is the one who left....

 

I hate him... I hate hate hate him. Turning my life upside down for his own selfish reasons...and has no remorse...no thought at all for what it has done to me, or the things I put aside for him.

 

Going to go change, get beautiful and have some drinks for my friend's Bday...but man, I feel like just laying down and turning off the lights.

[Misadventure]

So.. the day that I was served papers, I was working... from home.

 

I am in trouble with work..I can possibly get terminated.

 

This is just such a mess. I am really depressed now. I texted my boss to let her know (as I don't think she knows yet, it came from above her and she has been off the last several days).

 

Now I am just freaking out.

[darkmoon]

I know you are emotional, but finances are dealt with by laws, laws and emotions are two separate things

 

why are your lawyers not playing to win or to just be fair? srs

[Misadventure]

My lawyer said there is no point to go for spousal support while we are going through divorce unless he stops paying the mortgage and some of the bills (even though I make significantly less....).

 

But if I lose my job that is going to turn things.. I am very pissed right now.

 

My job is in jeopardy and a big part of that is because of the damn process server.

[darkmoon]

hot chocolate is vey relaxing, srs, eat well and get some rest

[Misadventure]

OK, maybe I need to do this, and relax and just chill. I did just talk to my boss, we are going to see what options we have but she wants me to keep my job too.

 

Today...hot chocolate...breathe deep...walk doggies... cure headache from stress.

 

I need a hug lol.

[darkmoon]

((((hugs))))

[Balzac]

I'm all about you keeping your job. That being said, does your job offer you FT work? It seems evident you're going to relocate from this house and need to support yourself.

 

Temporary spousal support if he's paying housing expanses and auto insurance, likely phone its not happening and this time of adjustment may be very short. If you want to get this divorce over with, it could easily be done in 60-90 days.

 

We know the credit cards were on him, can you say if they carried balances at the time he removed your access? Did you know ever?

[Misadventure]

Balzac, he did pay them off and close them. That I was able to find out.

 

I have applied for about 8 positions so far in my career field but they do ask why I don't have alot of experience in my chosen degree field, and why I have been PT for yrs.....

[trippi1432]

Balzac, he did pay them off and close them. That I was able to find out.

 

I have applied for about 8 positions so far in my career field but they do ask why I don't have alot of experience in my chosen degree field, and why I have been PT for yrs.....

 

......and honesty is the best policy. You were married, he had a good career. Now, you are your own woman and support yourself and you want to endeavor in your chosen career field. They don't need to know the details, they just need to see that you want it for you, that way they will know you will be dedicated.

 

Back this April, a job opening FT came up about an hour and a half away that he really wanted me to take due to my work with Non-profit. I did apply and send my resume but he felt I sabotaged my resume by not writing it the way he wanted in some way, which I did not. I guess this has been on his mind and he did not communicate this with me for a long time and resented me for it.

 

What happened to you doesn't make you who you are, it's how you survive it, that shapes you. The way you carry yourself will get other people believing in you even when you feel like you don't. You didn't fail HIM Hun...he failed YOU.

 

He should have supported what you wanted, but he felt YOU sabotaged "it"? What he wanted FOR you...and held in resentment.....hate to rip his "butterflies" to shreds, but he is responsible for his butterflies. Heck, I have them when someone brings me the shampoo from the other bathroom.

 

Why haven't you been in the career field you were applying for, because you were living for someone else...now you live for you.

[Misadventure]

Trippi, you really are spot on.

 

Thank you for basically pulling it together so I can really just see it laid out like that. It's right on the mark.

[revitup]

OK, maybe I need to do this, and relax and just chill. I did just talk to my boss, we are going to see what options we have but she wants me to keep my job too.

 

Today...hot chocolate...breathe deep...walk doggies... cure headache from stress.

 

I need a hug lol.

 

 

MsA, If I knew how to make a cute little hugs thing I would place it here_____.

 

Since that is not the case here is a rabbit jumping around in a hole followed by a blushing love emoticon.....

 

Best I could do from North Carolina.

 

REVITUP

[trippi1432]

Checking in MisA - What did you do for YOU today? And how is the job going?

 

Just a reminder, you aren't alone, even when you think you are the only one keeping it together. There is always someone watching out for you MisA.

[Misadventure]

Stbx texted me today...It wasn't even anything really, just to say to take care of the car registration since the car is in his name but I am driving it... I said I needed the copy of his ins card, and he emailed it. That was that.

 

Was kinda blue after. I know he isn't the H I loved...but just a d@mn shame ((and it hurts too)) that nothing but business or negative things will happen regarding him now.

 

So I looked again at his profile pic and what he wrote that I printed to remind me of his philandering....and alternate fantasy life.

 

MsA, If I knew how to make a cute little hugs thing I would place it here_____.

 

Since that is not the case here is a rabbit jumping around in a hole followed by a blushing love emoticon.....

 

Best I could do from North Carolina.

 

REVITUP

 

Hugs to you too, Rev!!! :bunny:

 

TY that is awesome from NC. I know you are just so kind, and a great person. TY for many times giving me strength.

 

 

 

Checking in MisA - What did you do for YOU today? And how is the job going?

 

Just a reminder, you aren't alone, even when you think you are the only one keeping it together. There is always someone watching out for you MisA.

 

 

Thank you Trip, I needed that. I really did. Sometimes, like today, I felt alone. I felt like he was all content and happy and with someone (not confirmed but most likely)...and I was basically just the one left behind, dealing with it and learning to cope and move on..which is true.

 

For me..I just spent quality time with the dogs watching TV after work..worked on my resume...returned a call to someone kinda interested in me.. but I don't think I am ready.. although...very tempting. My friend (a guy) said that when he was going through his divorce..he really passed a hurdle when he had "relations" and then it was like he fell down the rabbit hole and it helped him, and he was soooo seeing the light that things would be better.

 

My supervisor and I talked about the situation, she is aware of what I am going through and just hoping that the higher ups will give me a pass. I have been there for yrs now and always been good and even got an award in May.. so I hope it all counts for something.

 

Going to bed.. but I really do appreciate you guys. Sincerely. Thank you.

[trippi1432]

Just going to say something about the Rabbit Hole guy.....men need to get laid to get their self esteem back.....women need to be loved for who they are to get theirs back. So watch out for Rabbit Hole guy (better yet, ask him if he dresses up in Drag like Alice in Wonderland). He typically just wants to be there for the sex....the real party is about who you are as a person...Rabbit Hole guys don't want that responsibility. Once you sleep with him....everything will either be drama or your problem that you caused. That't the last headache you need piled on to of what you are going through.

 

Keeping faith that things will go okay with the job. Hugs!

[Grumpybutfun]

Mis:

Just wanted you to know that I am sending you some positive energy your way after the job scare. Make sure you take care of yourself spiritually right now too. Feeling interconnected with positives in the world, including the great people on this board, can also help you when you feel less confident about getting that full time job in the future, or looking for a new house for the future, or moving forward in your personal life.

This event is on him, you did nothing wrong except to trust someone who took advantage of that trust. Keep your eyes on the prize, which is to come out of this a stronger, more confident and happier woman. You don't have to let this define who you are. You can just project from your spirit that your entire future is ahead of you...a future where you find your own full time job so you are never financially beholden to anyone, a home that truly is your own, and the love and safety of all the friends and family who are rallying around you.

You are doing this....you are going to be fine.

Best,

Grumps

[vla1120]

Hey MisA - just thinking about you. I made a pretty big mistake at work last week because I was dealing with drama at home. I feel your pain. It was a wake up call for me that when I'm at work, he cannot exist for me. I need to keep it that way. I know our situations are different, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. (I've been slightly self-absorbed lately. The closer it gets to moving into my apartment, the more "stuff" seems to crop up. Grrr!)

[Mystery2Me]

Hi MisA! Hope today has been a peaceful one. With your excellent job performance, all will be well regardless.

 

Perhaps, I missed it but why did this result in your being in trouble? These things do happen, and being served with divorce papers is not a criminal offense for you.

 

The other poster nailed it, you must put your game face on because as much as it bites....you gotta take care solely provide for yourself going forward.

 

I can identify my job is like being in a fish bowl, and often I must make live presentations.....so I had to quickly learn techniques to keep myself together.

[Misadventure]

M2M, because quality can hear us when on the phone with a client, the dogs went @pesh/!t in the other room at the process server who rang the doorbell like a child...and then I had to take at least ten minutes away which took time away that was unscheduled. It does count against me. I am hoping the explanation of what happened and what I am going through will help. My supervisor is understanding. But its the overall higher ups who may not be. Really, I won't really know more till the end of the month.

 

Vla, thank you for thinking of me..yeah I do need to just put on my game face.. and just pretend like nothing else is going on. That's what I did today. I feel better today than yesterday, I need to get out and do the gym maybe. Today I have stress like.. where am I going to live? Who is going to accept me and my 2 big dogs? What job can I get in my field? What is going to happen to me? Am I ever going to find love again- real love?

I am just so stressed.

 

If I don't get alimony and don't find a job in my field that is FT I am majorly up a creek.

 

Tripp, yeah I thought about it and you are right. It's best to not get any involved really. As tempting as it is...because I don't need any more drama and I am not ready for any real relationship unless he knows he is rebound only lol. Even then, I just don't think I want any relationship now. Attention, yes.. relationship..and the aspects that come with it that I cannot handle yet..no.

 

Grumps, I remind myself of that alot.. this is on him. I really gave my all. If he was unhappy and checked out and never told me, he was never honest, I am not telepathic and I don't know what's going on unless he told me.. and I did ask many times because I sensed something at times. The one time in June he told me when I asked was that he was just "not caring about things in general" and he believed it stemmed from his childhood issues etc...and he was going to see a psychologist.... Well, apparently divorce is what would make him "free" and happy. It was me. I don't know how or why but he just wanted out. It hurts still because I loved with all my heart, my whole self, my whole being. Its not just my emotional self I have to worry about though, its my future.. I am in limbo and I have no idea what will happen in the months to come.. to me or my dogs. THAT is scary.

 

Thank you for listening.

[Mystery2Me]

I understand MisA! Absolutely an amazing post...demonstrates your marked progress...shifting from tiny him to the important YOU.

 

Continue to focus on yourself.

[Moniq]

Hi MissA

 

I hate all those questions that pop into our heads and then make us scared out of our wits.

 

I hope you find a place,,,, im sure you will. And a job, well im sure you'll find a great one, I finally start mine tomorrow.

 

Keep your head up. its crazy how we are all going through sort of the same thing.....Damn husbands checking out and not telling us.

[Misadventure]

Yeah its really scary, the last several nights I had to take an anti-anxiety because insomnia has riddled me.

 

But at least its not complete heartbreak like before that had me up all night and couldn't sleep.. it was the ripple effect of his deceitful actions and decisions...but still very scary to me right now.

[Grumpybutfun]

Mis:

Fluorescent's book referral "Getting Past Your Break Up" is by Susan J Elliott and is on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Reading is always a wonderful way to receive inspiration and compassion with others who have been through life changing events like your own. It received really good reviews too.

 

I know all your questions are racing through your mind...(like how do you find a place perfect for you and your dogs?)...reach out and ask. Talk to people in dog parks with big dogs, or call rentals and ask about big dog wear and tear fees. In the military, we used to see many places that would welcome big dogs as long as you paid a carpet and scratch fee in addition to the deposit.

 

Also, since you volunteer with animals, you should have a service that provides pet owners with help when transitioning from a divorce ( like transport, mental evaluations and behavioral help). Since you and your pets were abandoned, and that is considered emotional abuse, they may be able to refer something to help your sad and depressed dog. We have a service like that where I volunteer and it is free.

 

I understand that being in limbo is worse than knowing regardless of the outcome because you are expecting the worst that could happen. Yet, it has been my experience to prepare for the worst, but expect the best. Do what you need to do to have what you need, but don't let your heart worry because worry will not get you to where you need to go, only action will. He failed you, but you have pets who depend on you and you will not fail them or fail yourself.

 

Fluorescent is correct...there are few threads here that has garnered as much heart as this one has because you are truly a good person. He wanted unlimited "butterfly" action without the work, and he missed out on the flower garden you were tending all by yourself he had at home. His loss. You are going to live your life with joy and passion so that the next mate you find understands that it isn't the butterflies a married couple has when things are perfect and new, but the kisses, smiles and hugs when things are challenging.

As William Shakespeare said so eloquently:

 

SONNET 116

 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

 

Personally that is the love I would want instead of some inane reference to childish butterflies. You deserve better than that fool.

Hang in there,

Grumps

Edited September 19, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Grumpybutfun]

Mis:

Roar by Katy Perry is apparently the song to listen to right now, my niece just told me about it after a harsh break-up. Since that isn't my scene and you are young, I thought I would pass on the younger generations wisdom.

Smiles,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

Hey guys, I have been fighting a bad flu bug. It was really nice to wake and read all this.

 

Fluorescent, heh, I am glad it was good and a journey to read, and made you laugh. I know some parts are definitely something to laugh at while other parts are just plain sad. He is definitely a coward. I did put him first because I really did love him, or love who I thought he was, and put his needs and wants above my own. I think you are right and he is having a young mid-life crisis, basically didn't think marriage would actually be about commitment and the good and the bad, and not unicorns and butterflies all the time. Maybe its because I have been sick the last several days, its been really dark for me. Some moments I am ok, other moments I just want to really cry. But I find that most of the time if I do cry lately it's because my future is so very uncertain. I found out yesterday through a lady at the bank who was finally able to tell me information back to when I was on the bank account...he had slowly been taking money out of the savings for a few months. My contempt for him right now has NO BOUNDS. I hope you are right and that I get past this and come out better.. and hopefully meet someone who doesn't have a smaller appendage the color of a spotted cow or the maturity level of an adolescent.

 

I JUST downloaded the book "Getting Past Your Break Up". Thank you, I will start reading it. I think I need something proactive and helpful right now.

 

Grumpy, I wish there was a service like that for people with animals in my county but no. I volunteer and I have helped changed the live release rate so more animals can get adopted and rescued by allowing more time but they don't have other services. After this experience though and when I get more settled, I do want to speak with the county...I can see why some animals end of at the shelter if people are not able to keep them after or during a divorce. With me though.. they have been my anchor and rock and part of me...TY for all you and FL have said, it means alot. TY for the sonnet, I actually really love Shakespeare. How kind of you. I also really like Katy Perry... her H asked for a divorce in a text message....she has gone through this pain too.

 

Everytime I see a butterfly now, I roll my eyes. I am just hoping that will pass one day too.