Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[vla1120]

Mis:

Roar by Katy Perry is apparently the song to listen to right now, my niece just told me about it after a harsh break-up. Since that isn't my scene and you are young, I thought I would pass on the younger generations wisdom.

Smiles,

Grumps

 

Wow. I just read the lyrics and listened to Roar. The first two lines:

 

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess"

 

I could have written myself! Thank you for sharing, Grumpy. I downloaded it and added it to my "Screw-You-I'll-Be-Just-Fine-Without-You" playlist! This is what I listen to everyday when I'm walking my 3.5 miles. That playlist has kept me off the ledge a few times. I'm glad to have a new addition to the list.

[Balzac]

You've not mentioned the insurance policy on your house. The roof that is in need of repair such that renewal was questionable.

[Misadventure]

So last night was a moment of some realization for me....

 

I went out with a GF of mine to this hole in the wall bar with her and her on/off boyfriend.. I was late so I met them there.. there was a couple and another guy at their table.. I walked in and they all waved me over. Introductions ensued, drinks, etc.

 

I had honestly wanted to get out of there and just go somewhere else..but then we started playing pool. The one guy who had kinda first introduced himself to me when I came in, he started talking to me...he was trying to flirt but I ignored it. Then he said he was at the end of his divorce... that started a conversation, I said I was just starting..and I could honestly see it pained him. We sat and talked by the pool table where they were all playing..drank..and told our sad stories. He was attractive, maybe 5 yrs older...He started to look me up and down.. "I think your husband is effing crazy... I don't see anything wrong with you at all".

 

I laughed..."Well, it's been a couple hours, give it some time."

 

On and on he went, he flirted, I somewhat flirted back but I more so flirted with the lesbian 21 yr old bartender...not for any big reason..I just made her blush alot and I could tell she was interested..it was harmless in my eyes.. I honestly did it just because I could...and she gave me free drinks. She ended up giving me a rose at the end of the night before I left, innocently, saying I should come back anytime lol. Sweet girl. If only I actually liked females in that way heh.

 

Then he tried to kiss me... I literally jumped back. I put my hand on his chest..keeping him at a distance. I could tell he was hurt, at least his ego. I explained it wasn't him, it was me. Oldest line but it was true.

 

After several long island ice tea's and some yager and who knows what else, he did sneak a kiss on me...but I did back away..and I had felt nothing. NOTHING. It felt like empty air...

 

I remember having loved kisses...and there was just nothing. I felt no urge to kiss..no urge for one by anyone...

 

I realized I had wanted to move on..maybe find someone to distract me.. or maybe just compliment/validate me...but not anything else... probably not even a kiss.

 

It made me mad... here STBX was gallivanting with who knows who...and I can't even bloody kiss someone!

 

My friend and I ended up leaving later... I did so when he was in the men's room...I know- I know... easy out. How many times did I have to explain it to him... But it was nice feeling really beautiful in the eyes of both men and women last night lol.

[Misadventure]

Balzac,

 

Nothing has come of it...he hasn't mentioned it any further and neither have I. I think he will probably try and say something about it so he can get Temp possession of the house, so I need to show that I am doing my homework in contacting the ins company this week to show that I will be around physically to be here if there needs to be maintenance (paid for by him).

[trippi1432]

So last night was a moment of some realization for me....

 

I went out with a GF of mine to this hole in the wall bar with her and her on/off boyfriend.. I was late so I met them there.. there was a couple and another guy at their table.. I walked in and they all waved me over. Introductions ensued, drinks, etc.

 

I had honestly wanted to get out of there and just go somewhere else..but then we started playing pool. The one guy who had kinda first introduced himself to me when I came in, he started talking to me...he was trying to flirt but I ignored it. Then he said he was at the end of his divorce... that started a conversation, I said I was just starting..and I could honestly see it pained him. We sat and talked by the pool table where they were all playing..drank..and told our sad stories. He was attractive, maybe 5 yrs older...He started to look me up and down.. "I think your husband is effing crazy... I don't see anything wrong with you at all".

 

I laughed..."Well, it's been a couple hours, give it some time."

 

On and on he went, he flirted, I somewhat flirted back but I more so flirted with the lesbian 21 yr old bartender...not for any big reason..I just made her blush alot and I could tell she was interested..it was harmless in my eyes.. I honestly did it just because I could...and she gave me free drinks. She ended up giving me a rose at the end of the night before I left, innocently, saying I should come back anytime lol. Sweet girl. If only I actually liked females in that way heh.

 

Then he tried to kiss me... I literally jumped back. I put my hand on his chest..keeping him at a distance. I could tell he was hurt, at least his ego. I explained it wasn't him, it was me. Oldest line but it was true.

 

After several long island ice tea's and some yager and who knows what else, he did sneak a kiss on me...but I did back away..and I had felt nothing. NOTHING. It felt like empty air...

 

I remember having loved kisses...and there was just nothing. I felt no urge to kiss..no urge for one by anyone...

 

I realized I had wanted to move on..maybe find someone to distract me.. or maybe just compliment/validate me...but not anything else... probably not even a kiss.

 

It made me mad... here STBX was gallivanting with who knows who...and I can't even bloody kiss someone!

 

My friend and I ended up leaving later... I did so when he was in the men's room...I know- I know... easy out. How many times did I have to explain it to him... But it was nice feeling really beautiful in the eyes of both men and women last night lol.

 

It shouldn't make you mad that you have better scruples than your stbx and you can't even kiss someone, not in this case anyway MisA. You told this man your boundaries, you aren't ready for this, and that is absolutely fine. Life happens for YOU as it happens, not to some man's time-table that just met you.

 

That man was not treating you with respect, if he were a man that knew how to treat a woman with respect, he would have asked you on a proper date and wanted to get to know you as a person rather than rush to first base just meeting you.

 

I know everyone is throwing books to read at you, but one that really helped me was Mars/Venus - Starting Over. Not everyone is a John Gray fan, but not only did I relate to my heart hurting and learning to heal it so I could love again, I also got to understand how men are different when it comes to healing their own hearts. What I really got to learn, is that I could love through all the anger that my exH left me with.

 

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: John Gray: 9780060930271: Amazon.com: Books

 

You're learning to come into your own right now, and that is a good step in the right direction MisA. But I think you know it's not a race to get to healing. Things done right take time and patience, and I have a feeling you are going to land right on your feet and keep trucking from your callous stbx.

 

BTW - No shame in sneaking out while he was in the restroom, some men don't understand the word "NO"....for those I carry a very big can of mace.

[Misadventure]

http://cdn01.cdnwp.thefrisky.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/28/dating-donts.jpg

 

 

I am so catching on....although it made my ego feel better.... I was SO uncomfortable.

 

I think maybe cause I know stbx is effing around and already replaced me with who knows who or how many women.. I wanted to be able to move on for just a bit myself....I guess I am just not there yet.

[trippi1432]

MisA - I use this as my rule of thumb:

 

A: if something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable, it's probably not going to be good for you.

 

B: if you say No and someone doesn't respect that, they are probably not good for you.

 

C: if something is totally out of character than what you would normally do, it's probably bad for you.

 

And D: know yourself, listen to your intuition and never be afraid to walk away from something that is not good for you.

 

Keep in mind you are vulnerable right now, because you are hurt. Keeping those things in mind will help you from being manipulated.

 

You are beautiful!! Your ex didn't leave because of your looks....he left because he is a coward and has a superficial idea of what love is. You didn't do that to him, he did that to himself ...

[Moniq]

Im sure you feel uncomfortable about being with another man, I know that I cant see myself with anyone else, but you should allow yourself to have fun and meet new people. Im not saying sex but just let loose and have fun. I met a guy at starbucks today and I wish I would have flirted. I miss the attention from a man. I guess I haven't had it in a while.

 

Don't be to hard on yourself. You got great compliments, and you should feel good about that.

[oldschool1]

Misadventure,

 

I just wanted to say that I have been reading your posts. My heart goes out to you. What your husband has done to you is unfair and rather nasty. It is very possible that he really was a good person while you were together but shifted gears entirely and snapped. His rudeness suggests a deep anger that only therapy and time can heal. So, please don't ever beat yourself up for not knowing the REAL guy---you couldn't have known this would happen.

 

I know you're hurting right now (and who wouldn't be?), but it WILL get better. I don't have anything unique to add here, as my own divorce was quite different. But, I wanted to let you know that a random person is pulling for you. Keep marching on, and hug your dogs when you feel sad or lonely. When I got divorced four years ago, my dog was better than my therapist!

[Grumpybutfun]

Mis:

You just do things at your own pace...you are not obligated to have a flirtatious rebound or a male response just because your husband is on the prowl. Right now you need to concentrate on taking care of you and keeping your life as simple as possible. Nothing would be more drama inducing than getting mixed up in the club/bar scene with hook-ups or even dating right now. It is imperative that you start healing and taking care of yourself. While your husband may have known about his decision for a little while, you just found out in the last month or so. You need time to grieve, mourn, remember, get angry, and let go. Complicating this process with even casual dating could be very distracting for your ego but may complicate your healing process.

I have seen many people who were the betrayed spouse rushing back into a romantic relationship without healing and finding a healthy way to bolster their self-esteem and reclaim their own identity. They ended up in seriously unhealthy relationships or getting hurt due to being so insecure due to the abandonment and cheating that they accepted things from others they normally would not have done. I am not saying you would do this, but I am just putting it out there because knowledge is power and awareness is the path to healthy living.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

I think you all are right. I think I wanted to distract myself, and also just force myself to move on because he has physically and mentally.

 

I need to feel this though fully so I can be over it and not avoid it and be the shallow - no heart- person that he is. I may make new friends etc but will let them know what's up, and that I only want friendship...

 

Its only really been almost 3 months after all. Will be 3 months on Oct 5th. It seems like so much longer really.

 

How easy for him to feel nothing....and I got left pretty much feeling everything while he gets to move in, have sex, have fun, feel nothing about this except just wanting to throw the last 8 yrs away like trash.

 

Well, I am built differently... I have to go through this and feel it and I will never be as cold as he is or as empty as he is.

Edited September 25, 2013 by Misadventure

[Steen719]

I think you all are right. I think I wanted to distract myself, and also just force myself to move on because he has physically and mentally.

 

I need to feel this though fully so I can be over it and not avoid it and be the shallow - no heart- person that he is. I may make new friends etc but will let them know what's up, and that I only want friendship...

 

Its only really been almost 3 months after all. Will be 3 months on Oct 5th. It seems like so much longer really.

 

How easy for him to feel nothing....and I got left pretty much feeling everything while he gets to move in, have sex, have fun, feel nothing about this except just wanting to throw the last 8 yrs away like trash.

 

Well, I am built differently... I have to go through this and feel it and I will never be as cold as he is or as empty as he is.

 

Don't be surprised if he feels the regret later. You think it won't happen, but if you read these posts and talk to friends who have been through this, it becomes apparent that it often happens.

 

3 months is nothing in the healing game. Go through it to get to the other side, not around it. You have to feel it sometime, so get it over and done for the most part.

[Grumpybutfun]

Mis:

Just checking in with you to see how you are. There are a couple of quotes I found which I thought might be helpful.

 

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”

~Mary Anne Radmacher~

 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

 

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”

~Confucius~

 

You are going to make it. You are going to come out of this with your identity and dignity intact, which are the things he lost in doing this lunacy.

Best,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

I saved some of those quotes for my phone to remind me, Grumps. TY

 

I am doing somewhat ok today... my flu has been ongoing because it seems it's also a throat infection. So I am on more meds now and I have been better.

 

But part I was in bed most of the weekend sick, so I felt really down in the dumps.

 

I started reliving that last week before stbx pulled the rug from under me, and then that final day... and the morning he left. Oddly, I only cried for a few moments but I felt really kind of blah the rest of the time.

 

I watched this movie that was on "Hello, I must be going"...

 

It was about someone going through a divorce who moves back in with her family, feels she is not worth anything..a much younger guy is attracted to her, they have an affair and she feels real love and starts to see herself for things she may want in life...she eventually finds and sees her self worth.

 

Some quotes that really hit home and makes you think:

 

"Love is not a prize you get at the carnival for squirting water in a clown's face the longest. If someone loves you, they just love you".

 

"You made me feel invisible.. Thank you for ending the marriage because.. I was unhappy..but I never would have ended it myself".

 

"I am not a flipping idiot..I invested time in you... I think I should be reimbursed".

 

It was a sad movie at times, made me cry and self reflect but some lines like this really hit home and I can imagine me saying them.

[Still-I-Rise]

I have been following your story as it closely relates to my own.

 

My husband left me and our four children in July, without any financial support or emotional support (for the children). He filed for divorce, illegally, saying we had been separated since September 2011.

 

We have been married for 22 years this October.

 

It was without warning and quite devastating for those of us left behind. I later found out he bought a luxury car and moved in with another woman.

 

We have two in college - one stopped for now because she fears finances will no longer be there...Pre-med (3 years)

 

I recalled reading the advice to you from others regarding filing first, etc., and I wanted to tell you to LISTEN to them but didn't because I understood you were not ready.

 

Anyway, I am writing because I've been watching the same move Hello, I Must Be Going, the past couple of days, and agree it has its moments.

 

Like you, I am remembering her conversation with her ex-husband where she thanked him. I don't think I would've left my husband but now believe he did me a favor. He is a narcissist and I can't compete with that.

 

You hang in there. It is not easy and some days I do not know how I face the day but I do, just like you.

[Misadventure]

Still,

 

I just read yours..yeah it is similar. Thank you for your words of encouragement.. some moments are very dark. Some not so dark.. and some even have some color.

 

That film...yeah, that conversation really made me smile because I actually could picture myself saying that.

 

I think when our counterparts are so narcissistic and selfish, they don't really allow us to see ourselves..and they think their feelings are the only ones that count.

 

I was explaining to a friend today what I was feeling this weekend, and she said it was compounded because I was really sick.. and I was really alone, so I felt more abandoned and alone then usual. It's true, I did. I cried Saturday and it was the first in a while.

 

Deep down, I know in my heart I will be better off in the long run without him. I actually have tucked away that future I had with him and I am ok with letting it go...still hurts but I want someone who knows my value...and who would never do or say the things he has done.. and someone who is not a coward.

[Irving]

Hey Misadventure,

 

Your story here (as sad as it is) would make for a great book! Have you considered writing a novel? Maybe at least a blog so that more people can read it?

[Misadventure]

Hey Misadventure,

 

Your story here (as sad as it is) would make for a great book! Have you considered writing a novel? Maybe at least a blog so that more people can read it?

 

Irving, wow, thanks. Actually, that would be a good idea. I have never written a blog before but maybe that would be an outlet.

 

I actually did think about writing a novel but not about this, but is an idea...has humor in it...and sadness, etc. but if it could help anyone going through their own plight, that would be nice.

[Misadventure]

Btw... stbx texted out of nowhere today after work.. saying "I assume since you never responded to my email about inspection on the roof, you don't plan on getting it done".

 

You will be very proud of me...

 

"Please arrange payment and I will be happy to arrange my work schedule for the inspector as I would be happy to comply with the needs for the house. I contacted them by phone the day after your email and it is of record. After payment is arranged, please have them call me to arrange a time. Many Thanks".

 

((Then I called the inspector, and he had been contacted by stbx... I told him to go to stbx for payment and then I will be happy to arrange a time next week. We agreed on next Monday after 1pm if stbx pays him.))

 

Then STBX texts me saying he has to be here so he can supervise!!

 

He can supervise his arse if what he can supervise....

 

I told him his presence is not required and that the inspector will be more than happy to communicate with him verbally.

 

Then I wrote a formal response and summary of all this, also indicated previous communication with the insurance company and all that was needed was an inspection before the 190 days was up, and that I would be obliged to arrange my work schedule for the inspector and that only one of us was needed to be present.

 

I emailed this to stbx and CC to my attorney and told my attorney that I have tried to maintain NO CONTACT, and that it is best if he complies with the minimum of number people needed to be present for the inspector for my emotional health as previous conversations have been emotionally abusive.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

I realized why he texted me today.... another month going by of him paying the mortgage.

 

I think I behaved rather well, considering he is a two tone Dck pig rat b@st@rd. On that note, I will go walk my doggies.

[Steen719]

Btw... stbx texted out of nowhere today after work.. saying "I assume since you never responded to my email about inspection on the roof, you don't plan on getting it done".

 

You will be very proud of me...

 

"Please arrange payment and I will be happy to arrange my work schedule for the inspector as I would be happy to comply with the needs for the house. I contacted them by phone the day after your email and it is of record. After payment is arranged, please have them call me to arrange a time. Many Thanks".

 

((Then I called the inspector, and he had been contacted by stbx... I told him to go to stbx for payment and then I will be happy to arrange a time next week. We agreed on next Monday after 1pm if stbx pays him.))

 

Then STBX texts me saying he has to be here so he can supervise!!

 

He can supervise his arse if what he can supervise....

 

I told him his presence is not required and that the inspector will be more than happy to communicate with him verbally.

 

Then I wrote a formal response and summary of all this, also indicated previous communication with the insurance company and all that was needed was an inspection before the 190 days was up, and that I would be obliged to arrange my work schedule for the inspector and that only one of us was needed to be present.

 

I emailed this to stbx and CC to my attorney and told my attorney that I have tried to maintain NO CONTACT, and that it is best if he complies with the minimum of number people needed to be present for the inspector for my emotional health as previous conversations have been emotionally abusive.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

I realized why he texted me today.... another month going by of him paying the mortgage.

 

I think I behaved rather well, considering he is a two tone Dck pig rat b@st@rd. On that note, I will go walk my doggies.

 

Very, very awesome, MisA. He will begin to realize that you are not the woman he left behind, but have turned into someone who is strong and confident and does not need him. Stupid, stupid man.

[Misadventure]

Yeah I have to say I have changed in many ways for the better.. he is indeed very stupid and will be having a harsh awakening.

 

If I look back... I do see that there were so many moments that I was not happy, not fulfilled, ignored, neglected, demeaned ...and I deserve way better. I look back now and I see that even though that was occurring.. (now I know why)... I was STILL trying everything I could to bring excitement, newness, and just want to please him. I was a fool. Well, I will not be fooled again like that... but I also will value myself much higher to know that I deserve to be loved and adored in a way that is consistent...not until he feels the need to philander or look for new butterflies.

[lostinpgh]

I read this whole thread, Misa. What a ride you have been on! You are incredibly strong.

 

You think you know someone so well and then they turn around and stab you right in the back.

 

The karma train will catch up with him eventually.

[Steen719]

Yeah I have to say I have changed in many ways for the better.. he is indeed very stupid and will be having a harsh awakening.

 

If I look back... I do see that there were so many moments that I was not happy, not fulfilled, ignored, neglected, demeaned ...and I deserve way better. I look back now and I see that even though that was occurring.. (now I know why)... I was STILL trying everything I could to bring excitement, newness, and just want to please him. I was a fool. Well, I will not be fooled again like that... but I also will value myself much higher to know that I deserve to be loved and adored in a way that is consistent...not until he feels the need to philander or look for new butterflies.

 

You were NOT a fool for trying to make your husband happy. He is the fool for thinking a new thrill will be more satisfying than a loving wife who shares history with him. My bet is on his new love having a pretty short shelf life.

 

But still, I know your pain and I am sorry for it. It is really a shame, but by the time he realizes what he lost, you won't be there for him. One thing I have made myself do is celebrate the good things in my marriage as I think it would be hurtful to me to believe that nothing was good. That took a long time for me to get there.

[Misadventure]

Steen, even now where he has not realized what he has lost.. I am not there for him nor would be.

 

I realized today (I worked tonight) and I was a little bummed today...

 

Today the 4th is the 3 month marker of the day I caught him looking at apartments online and the whole "I don't feel butterflies" tale came out.

 

The 5th morning will be the 3 month marker of when he left.

 

I feel.. foggy. Gloomy perhaps. Sad but not enough to cry.

 

All his actions, his cutting invalidated words, his dating profiles really just leave a hollow pointed mark in my stomach...aching..searching for why. I may never know why..and I have accepted this.

 

He is a baseless coward with many shortcomings who didn't feel butterflies after 8 yrs together with a woman who had adored him, changed her life and parts of who she is for him...and his cruelty...cold stare..monotone voice...is there really such a desire to know why anymore from such a product of bottom feeding pond scum?

 

I think the first month and a half I was all about wanting to know. Why, why, why....What did I do, what didn't I do...Hell, I am a kinky fiend, I try and create all kinds of butterflies and more..what is it that is so empty in him???

 

Ahhhh... key words.. empty in him.

 

Then I thought back to that immensely foggy first week of hell.. where every minute was an effort to breathe..to move..all I could feel was my pain. All I could see was the backside of my dreams that I had for my family with him walking away.

 

Somewhere in a conversation on the phone with him within that first week, I think I do remember crying..asking "What did I do? Why are you blaming me for-"

 

He interrupted, and quickly said.."Who said I blame you for any of it?! Where have I blamed you?!"

 

Now, we have never had that discussion since then..but this came back to me months later, when my mind is not the Fog Of London.

 

Three months later, I see more clearly. I may never have a perfect picture of this or even a somewhat watercolor version of it..but it wasn't me.

 

I know I am not perfect by any means.. I have flaws. Boy, do I have them! But when it comes to loving him, wanting this marriage to be great, trying to keep things fresh and alive, tending to his needs, the house, asking always..what he wanted....I did that.

 

I haven't cared what he has wanted for a while now. Screw him and his magical butterflies.

 

I really started loving myself again..I know the things I need to improve on and I will.

 

But I'm actually ready to start living for me now.

 

It does hurt to put those memories in a box..to know I will never feel his arms around me ever again...at least the person I loved, not this being, this heartless sack of swine who has the face of the person I once loved.

 

It's scary to stand on the edge of a street that you have never visited before...you are lost..but yet you try and find your way. You know somewhere along the lines of where you need to go, but not really sure where.

 

So today, I will just breathe deep...have a day for me..and then tomorrow is another day, and I will see what it brings. I know I will probably remember its meaning...and it does hurt.. but not as much as last month or the month before that.

 

That counts for something.

[revitup]

MsA, wait til you see STBXWW's little handwritten "D" papers I was served!

 

It made me smile and know just how lucky REV is to be rid of this woman she devil!

 

Anyway,I hope all is well and you are growing stronger,I have been writing and I can tell you that it's getting good.

 

Threats and abuse are a daily event against me.NC Attorney General on tape,NC Senators on taped conversations and Lawyers colluding!

 

I am in the mix hard now and love it.Just did a video ambush as they called it yesterday.

 

I will now be back here more-it was an assignment from my therapist that I go "no helping or assisting" for anyone!

 

I'm back and will be reading it all in order to catch up....

 

REVITUP