Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Poppyolive]

This is so incredibly sad, its sounds like this guy is a sociopath,

[trippi1432]

Miss A - You are right, it is manipulation. He may be even trying to get to you before the mediation....but your are too strong for that Hun!! And you are 100% right, he needs to show remorse for what he has done and he is not showing that at all....that sting needs to stay there a really long time for him.

 

You will reach indifference one day. Today, sure there is going to be some bitterness, you are allowed to have every one of these emotions to help you get through. And the bitterness is a good thing so he doesn't try to make stupid half-witted "nice-nice" because he wants to get intel out of your friend to use for the mediation or to cause more pain to get what he wants in the mediation.

 

As a matter a fact, you should go on one of those print your own T-Shirts sites online and find one of a two-toned cow. I would wear that to mediation with a nice skirt, jacket and heels....

[Misadventure]

Hi guys!! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

 

Well, some updates... I had some highs and lows... more lows I think because it was the holidays. I think him having reach out and called my friend asking about me really kind of affected me. But then I asked myself.. what does it change? Nothing. Except I WOULD like him to apologize, grovel and ask for a second chance (although his pride would never let him) JUST so I can say F off!... and take your spotted cow looking D with you...

 

So... its been 30 days since I saw my lawyer and never been contacted about a mediation yet. Going to call tomorrow. Any tips, advice, etc on mediation?

 

Based on what he told my friend I expect he isn't going to budge and we will be wasting time and money. "I will go for everything she is going for"...

 

Yeah, I picked a real charmer lol.

 

What should I expect...in the same room, different rooms, with our lawyers, without..when would the next mediation be.. and would court come after and how long after?

 

I guess I didn't remember the 6th month mark on Jan 5.. so it will be 7 months in Feb that we have been apart...7 months! Wow..another 5 will be an entire year. In some ways it doesn't feel like it, and in some, it does. For the most part it still feels like Limbo. I still need to find a new place but with no timeline its hard. Regardless I will be asking for a 90 days notice from time of divorce is final to vacate the premises as primary resident. So if divorce isn't final until April or May.

 

Monodare posted something kind of relevant to what I have been finding out myself... When I was single before the stbx, I was always very social, a big flirt, personable, and found it easy to walk in anywhere, confident and just ready to have fun and no one seemed to intimidate me etc...

 

Stbx is a bigtime non-social introvert who fell asleep at get togethers sometimes...unless they were his one pair of friends..but if they were my friends he usually passed out by 11:30 or midnight...on a weekend, even if it was their house..I found myself not going out as much..etc or just not being as social. Confidence weakened, especially after he left for Butterflies.

 

When I go out now.. I am still personable, social...but my confidence that I used to have is no where close ....Very nice guy started talking to me.. he then told me he was a crossfit trainer..I lost interest completely. Too much work. Don't get me wrong, I admire crossfit trainers but it takes a certain amount of love, dedication and obsession that you need to have, and most of them have that for lifetime and probably expect that in the person of interest...and I am not that committed lol. I just like to "be".

 

Now I kind of like being by myself really...no one to answer to.. no one to remind you of things that need to be done..what you should be doing...or nagging. I haven't had "relations" with anyone yet but it will be nice to have it to really want it. I still don't think I am ready...when someone remotely gets too close I seem to freak out and shut them out now..It would be nice to share certain parts of my life with someone...and to do things with them...but I am not sure I want the rest that comes with that..any time soon.

 

Hopefully someone will intrigue me when I am ready to the point I will want to be with someone again. I just feel kinda like I am not sure anyone is out there for me and thats just so disheartening...especially since I know the stbx is looking for someone new as well (after the last someone new and him are no longer).

[RightThere]

What should I expect...in the same room, different rooms, with our lawyers, without..when would the next mediation be.. and would court come after and how long after?

 

The purpose of mediation is to try and get everything agreed to, so if it's successful, there shouldn't be any need for court after. Mine was same room (it usually is). Because you both have lawyers, I'm sure they'll want to be present.

 

Usually the first session is to determine if mediation could be successful (if there IS any common ground or things you can agree on).

 

If you can resolve it in mediation, then they lawyers will take the info and draft up the divorce agreement. If it's good, you may be able to get a desk divorce (depending on the state) and not have to be in court.

[MsOptimist]

Good to hear from you! It's good that the 6th month mark passed without you noticing. Eventually those dates and reminders won't sting so much as they come around and then you'll forget about them altogether because you'll have more exciting and positive things to focus on.

 

You're starting to get a semblance of a timeline together. Even if the dates aren't firm yet for mediation or moving, I can see the pieces starting to form. I think it'll feel less like limbo once those things are fleshed out more.

 

Yes him reaching out to see how you are will likely affect you. It affected me when it happened to me. If his first "love" interest already hasn't worked out, be prepared for him to reach out more - that's what happened to me. He started realizing that the grass wasn't greener.

 

You're strong enough to resist that though. You'd merely be the backup plan and you don't deserve to be plan B. That's what I told myself every time he'd test the waters with me to see if I'd bite. I didn't think my exH would ever have the nerve to try to crawl back, but he did try. It didn't take him long to realize that I wasn't buying it though.

 

If they did this to us once, they'll do it again. You're better off finding someone more compatible, and don't worry if the thought of that still does nothing for you. That's ok. Enjoy being on your own and over time lessen the legal and physical and mental ramifications of the divorce. I realized that I quite like living on my own.

[Misadventure]

Gah!!! I called my lawyer a few days ago asking about mediation.. no call back.

 

Today I found online.. "Motion FOR COURT ORDER MEDIATION FILED by Petitioner"

 

Great so does this mean another fee my way? I have been calling my lawyer every bloody week.

 

So now what is the next step, no one called me for a mediation, how am I supposed to magically know what to do?

 

What is the next step besides me calling my lawyer in the morning and do I ask if there is a fee my way because his lawyer had to file a motion?

[Mystery2Me]

Hi MisA,

 

Sorry are dealing with this. Perhaps you should consider a new lawyer...this one seems to be dropping the ball.

 

Now for tomorrow may I suggest the following:

 

1. Call the lawyer demand to speak with you ASAP; making them aware of the on-line status. If they call don't you back you ASAP have no choice but to seek new counsel.

 

2. GO DOWN TO THE COURT (call if you can not) to speak to the clerk, so you see and obtain a record of the case to-date. These records should detail any fees owned to the court....and IMPORTANTLY any dates on which should appear for hearings.

 

Sorry dear, but you gotta address this right away.

 

Take care of yourself. ~Mystery

[hotgurl]

Gah!!! I called my lawyer a few days ago asking about mediation.. no call back.

 

Today I found online.. "Motion FOR COURT ORDER MEDIATION FILED by Petitioner"

 

Great so does this mean another fee my way? I have been calling my lawyer every bloody week.

 

So now what is the next step, no one called me for a mediation, how am I supposed to magically know what to do?

 

What is the next step besides me calling my lawyer in the morning and do I ask if there is a fee my way because his lawyer had to file a motion?

 

It sounds like you need a new lawyer.

[Misadventure]

Called this morning, he is at court. I am going over there on my lunch break. (edit- looks like will prob just be able to call back at lunch and will head over there after work in person if I have to).

 

The assistant I spoke to said the motions were normal....Are all the motions normal? Or does it just make me look bad in the eyes of the court?

 

Grrr!! I don't have money for retainer for another lawyer

 

So lets say things are solved within the 3rd mediation maybe...it still needs to go on the court's docket for a date and that could take a while?

Edited January 30, 2014 by Misadventure

[trippi1432]

Ugh! Wish I could help you on this one, but have never had to go through this part. Hang in there and i would get copies if all the court docs too. It's a shame when you have to do an attorney's job for them. Grrrr!

[Misadventure]

Well, I guess good news.

 

This was my lawyers intent..if we had gone straight to mediation through lawyers I would have to pay full price for the mediator on my side per hour.

 

Because its court mandated and I make sooooo significantly less, I will have a flat scale fee and he will have to pay per hour on his end.

 

Lawyer has not received paperwork from his lawyer yet or from the court so should be several days and they will call me and will have 20-30 days to schedule the first mediation.

 

I guess its strategy and the motions are normal.

[whichwayisup]

I want to touch on the being single and you not ready to date or be intimate. That is normal and it's good to just take care of you and enjoy the benefits OF being single. Nobody to answer to, you do what you want, when you want. You need to heal and there's no time frame here, it hasn't been a full year yet since all this happened, so just take it one stage/step at a time.

 

Bond with your women friends, your family, co workers and enjoy life. You have your health, your beauty, your life - All which will only get better as time goes on.

 

Pamper yourself, a lot! Build up your self confidence - Have fun flirting when you go grocery shopping or when just out. Act happy and make eye contact - This is theraputic for you, an ego feed and will put a smile on your face.

 

Learn to "love" you again. Don't let your snake a-hole ex ruin 'you'! Take back control and power. The guy now sees the grass isn't greener, boo hoo. HIS LOSS, not yours. He messed up and he lost you!

 

Wish you the best and your life is just beginning.

[Misadventure]

I want to touch on the being single and you not ready to date or be intimate. That is normal and it's good to just take care of you and enjoy the benefits OF being single. Nobody to answer to, you do what you want, when you want. You need to heal and there's no time frame here, it hasn't been a full year yet since all this happened, so just take it one stage/step at a time.

 

Bond with your women friends, your family, co workers and enjoy life. You have your health, your beauty, your life - All which will only get better as time goes on.

 

Pamper yourself, a lot! Build up your self confidence - Have fun flirting when you go grocery shopping or when just out. Act happy and make eye contact - This is theraputic for you, an ego feed and will put a smile on your face.

 

Learn to "love" you again. Don't let your snake a-hole ex ruin 'you'! Take back control and power. The guy now sees the grass isn't greener, boo hoo. HIS LOSS, not yours. He messed up and he lost you!

 

Wish you the best and your life is just beginning.

 

Thank you, I really needed to see this.

 

Sometimes I feel so very lost and alone.

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA:

I know you said the holidays were rough but think of it this way...you survived them. You made it out the other side. You are enjoying your space and doing what you want to do when and how you want to do them. Best of all, you are taking care of yourself and healing.

There are always going to be moments when you are sad and question why, but at least now it isn't days.

If you consider how long you were together seven moths isn't that long. You still need to heal and to figure out where you are going to go in your life. You have innumerable choices now. You are as free as a bird. Live exactly how you want. You are a special person and a good woman, when you are ready and your heart feels calm and peaceful, men will be thrilled to get to know you.

So glad you checked in,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

MisA:

I know you said the holidays were rough but think of it this way...you survived them. You made it out the other side. You are enjoying your space and doing what you want to do when and how you want to do them. Best of all, you are taking care of yourself and healing.

There are always going to be moments when you are sad and question why, but at least now it isn't days.

If you consider how long you were together seven moths isn't that long. You still need to heal and to figure out where you are going to go in your life. You have innumerable choices now. You are as free as a bird. Live exactly how you want. You are a special person and a good woman, when you are ready and your heart feels calm and peaceful, men will be thrilled to get to know you.

So glad you checked in,

Grumps

 

I am learning. I am. I pretty much figured that as much as I want to move on right now.. for whatever reason.. I just can't.

 

Just paid my part of mediation so now will speak to my lawyer this week about scheduling.

 

Have been having bad nightmares lately... it has been about the stbx moving back in here with whatever wh0re he has conned into dating his small excuse for manhood.

[Misadventure]

Oh and on Valentine's day, I was with a GF of mine, we went to a Drag Show (Queens not cars).

 

Then on my way home, my other friend called me over. She is dating a Mexican. Let me be more clear.. a Mexican in the country illegally and he is working illegally. (This may make me sound racist, I swear I am not, I am part Mexican descent from like 6 generations back).

 

It's not my business, I stay out of it etc.

 

She invites me out to drink with them and I shrug and go.. next thing I know, he is the one driving her car...end up at this hole in the wall Bar where no one speaks English, they check people for guns and weapons at the door.. I really started to wonder, really, wtf am I doing here... but I didn't drive there....

 

I go in, have drinks, be social. About 30 minutes in a huge fight breaks out, it goes outside and half the bar is fighting. I am kinda just standing there with my drink. I think the bartender looked at me like I was mad or something as if why didn't I join in...

 

So after people come back into the bar, I go to look for my gf and her bf...well, he and his friends I guess and his friends' gf's had all been involved somehow and they all got pepper sprayed by the police. I helped them rinse out their eyes, and when they started talking to me all in Spanish.. I just kept shaking my head "No idea, hun. sorry, you could be talking to me about the greatest Margaritas you had and I have no idea". The looks I got lol.. Remind me not to be a smart azz after a Illegal Bar Brawl. I can tell you one thing, wow, Latin women can throw down!

 

Needless to say, I grabbed the keys from my friends pocket, said that cops were already called and i was driving us back, so they better hurry up to the car because I am leaving lol.

 

Well... I may not remember what I did last Vday (and I don't which is quite sad, which pretty much says it was boring and not worth remembering), but I will know what I did Valentine's Day on the year of my divorce LOL.

 

It would be funny if I were making this all up..but it's even funnier because I am not, it really happened and opened my eyes to alot of things...

[3500_Days_In]

Just got to this site a few days ago... just read your story. Sure is a lot of us out here that have had our hearts broken. It sucks that we have entrusted so much of our feelings with someone that in turn hurts us.

 

I definitely see more women here getting hurt by men. I'm on the opposite side a guy who's heart has been broken by a woman. 9.5 years, 4 kids and she has no love, respect or desire to fix anything. I didn't even know there was anything that was broken.

[Misadventure]

3500 Yes it is... but I am better than I was... but I am still sad some days.. more so pissed.

 

Mediation has been set for beginning of April....It begins. Again.

[3500_Days_In]

Still new to me so more sad then pissed but can definitely see me getting there too.

 

Hang in there.

[Misadventure]

Still new to me so more sad then pissed but can definitely see me getting there too.

 

Hang in there.

 

You too.

 

I am trying.

 

Today is a hard day. One of my dogs is sick and all my money is now going to that. I don't make alot as is... grrr.

[No Limit]

I'm jealous of your Valentine's Day. Sounds like it was pretty exciting.

[Misadventure]

Hi everyone.. my mediation is the 7th of April... not sure what to expect. It is court ordered...but do we both take our attorneys, or go solo and just the mediator?

 

I was off happy meds but I think I need to go back on, I have been down lately... and anxious.. can't sleep.

 

He has a new H-0. When I sleep now it seems he enters my dreams...nightmares, really.

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA:

It is good to hear from you. I have heard of both with and without an Attorney so call yours and see what the protocol for your state is. I think staying on the meds until after the mediation would be in your best interest. You are probably very anxious because you don't know what to expect. Your Attorneys office really should have walked you through all of this so call them. You paid them to guide you and to help you navigate so they should earn their money.

Do you want to type out what the dreams are about? Might help to lessen their impact on you. He had a ho while you were married so he will always have a ho, what he won't have is you and that will haunt him one day. You just keep looking forward and moving without looking back. There will be rainbows after the storms, there will be sunshine peeking through those dark clouds. He messed up, but you don't have to suffer any longer because of it.

Enjoy your dogs, and your family and friends and remember not to let yourself get too isolated. We are all rooting for you here. You are going to be better off than when you were with him one day, you already are, you just can't see it yet.

Best,

Grumps

[trippi1432]

Hang in there Miss A, Grumps said it very well. We are here for you anytime. Hugs Hun!!

[Misadventure]

Yes grumps, I can't see it yet. I want to though. I started working another PT job.. so together I have a FT one lol..I have been on countless interviews and many apps submitted and I have a degree too..it's just a hard market.

 

So I think if in the next 4 months I had to move, I won't panic as much now.

 

My lawyer...the mediation is 3 hours long.. thats $300 an hour of course he wants to go! So I am going to try and find out if STBX is bringing his or what procedure is with the mediator. On her website it says the spouses and her...But this is court ordered so I need to find out.

 

If we don't agree.. do we go again after a few weeks cooling off/thinking?

 

I found out Saturday he had a new h-0.. this one was actually pretty. Mutual friend told me and asked if I was sure I wanted to know. I looked at his FB even though we are not friends and she is. Plain in a very country kind of way but I think that is what he grew up with and probably really wanted all along. Someone who is no frills, happy never wearing make up, happy to sweat and camp, mud, fish, etc. I am a girly girl, my grandmother would turn in her grave if she even thought I would mud lol. But he grew up in a farm life, and I grew up citified, very different lives and perspectives. She actually seems nice in her photos like maybe she is a kindergarten teacher... and of course, I am sure unaware of all he did, I am sure he won't fess up to the truth but make up some lies.

 

My Birthday was Friday... I didn't want to celebrate it.. see, this is what I mean about very down moments.. but I ended up having a great time with family and friends, carried over to Sunday. No matter what has happened, I am grateful for my friends and family. I would have been lost without them, and without this board and the many wonderful people who have helped.

 

I think I am restarting my meds tomorrow though.. I think I need it. I still will feel but will be a nice padding.

 

My dad is going to prescribe a beta blocker for mediation day, he said will help me to numb the pain and focus.

 

Ok.. the dreams.

 

I think this is why I can't sleep. I hate to fall asleep and dream now.

 

Before Saturday it was random over the last month...him coming to the house and wanting to take his things etc or him at his friend's family's house out of state.. and I am there.. and he walks out and then his friend's mother talks about that it's for the best.

 

Saturday day and the dreams there on.. included his gf...them coming to the house and moving in while I am still here. Me running into him and her at a restaurant.. Me going to mediation and he is there with her across the table...

 

Basically how many ways can I torture myself?

 

I have had Many many opportunities to date. In fact a great guy (who looks alot like Brad Pitt from the WWZ version except a little stockier) who has the same type of sarcasm as myself.. we were supposed to go out last night... I stalled.

 

Today... I stalled.

 

What am I afraid of? Why can't I go forward?

 

Before the stbx I was like freaking Yoda at dating...I was the one giving advice to friends...and look at me.. I am like a freaking hamster on training wheels for a freaking hamster wheel who keeps diving off the side and running into the wall!

 

It's past 9 months now... I want green grass again. I know it's out there... but it's like I can't even get on the pavement let alone the grass and I don't know why.

 

I think on one hand, I am just totally scared and freaked out and feel like a bloody virgin all over again.

 

On the other, I think I like this guy, like talking to him... but that's all I know.. I don't know anything from my feelings besides that.

 

He said, "Let's hang out and see where this goes, if there is something".

 

He might as well of told me he had 5 wives stashed somewhere with 17 children lol.

 

So I am baby stepping it but what is step one...

 

As far as everything else...well...firstly, the dreams need to stop. Right there alone messes me up.