Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[Misadventure]

Yes, I am taking this in. I did call the insurance company..its number 2..the roof is not in good shape as of 2 yrs ago (its just old really) so they want an inspector to come out (we have had no leaks and we have had bad storms/tropical etc). CS said that the policy is not going to renew in January unless we get an inspection, as is right now it is set to not renew unless roof is given the okay...so I do need to make myself available for an inspector. I called the agent and will call the inspection company tomorrow but going to make it clear they need to contact H if they want any money for inspection. As soon as I know all this, I will email him (breaking NC?) and just tell him this info and since he left and took me out of financials, then its on him for the fee but I will be more than happy to accommodate the inspector via my work schedule.

 

I left a message for the lawyer I plan on retaining (I don't have all the money for retainer yet even though family is helping), and seeing as we are separated, he has forwarded his mail and no longer residing here, if I can get temporary spousal support without filing. I will ask what some options are. If I can go after support I will see whats the best way in my state, and also my situation.

 

I am trying to get out of this fog long enough to think AND listen.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Misadventure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes, I am taking this in. I did call the insurance company..its number 2..the roof is not in good shape as of 2 yrs ago (its just old really) so they want an inspector to come out (we have had no leaks and we have had bad storms/tropical etc). CS said that the policy is not going to renew in January unless we get an inspection, as is right now it is set to not renew unless roof is given the okay...so I do need to make myself available for an inspector. I called the agent and will call the inspection company tomorrow but going to make it clear they need to contact H if they want any money for inspection. As soon as I know all this, I will email him (breaking NC?) and just tell him this info and since he left and took me out of financials, then its on him for the fee but I will be more than happy to accommodate the inspector via my work schedule.

 

I left a message for the lawyer I plan on retaining (I don't have all the money for retainer yet even though family is helping), and seeing as we are separated, he has forwarded his mail and no longer residing here, if I can get temporary spousal support without filing. I will ask what some options are. If I can go after support I will see whats the best way in my state, and also my situation.

 

I am trying to get out of this fog long enough to think AND listen.

 

I hope you are starting to trust the advice. So now I am going to give you another.

 

This is August. You do not need to do the inspection right now. IF your insurer wants to drop your plan, so freaking what...there are tons of insurance companies. If your STBXH wants to do it then he can do it. Why do you keep dancing to his tune? By the way, the inspector will declare the roof unfit and then it will need to be fixed. Again, why are you in the middle?

 

Question, do you have a retirement account through your work? Or do you have a medical health savings account? Do you have a life insurance plan? You can borrow from any of those to get the money for the lawyer. Instead of calling the roofer, spend some time working on getting YOUR ducks in a row.

 

Your husband has been quiet for a little while, you need to expect some additional nastiness soon. You need to be able to change the locks and get him tossed off the property, but right now he is legally allowed to walk in and out (with his girlfriend) and there is nothing you can do but ask the police to sit with you while you cry. You need Sole use of the property, temporary support, ASAP.

[Misadventure]

On the insurance, it's the only one here in Fl that will cover the house (many left Fl), and we are within so many miles from sinkhole etc. I do remember that. I'm going to call the lawyer again tomorrow regarding the other issues you talked about.

 

I have 401k but its not alot. I should get the money soon to retain him. I can tell you that H would be too much of a coward to bring a girl around me.. he has not admitted to it and when I asked him a couple weeks ago he said no, that there was no one. H is not someone who likes confrontation at all so unless he needs to come here, I doubt he will.

 

Please bare with me guys.. I don't know how long it took you to get over your stuff but I am having a really hard time tonight.

 

I am trying very hard to do the 180 stuff..the gym..I did alot this week with the counselor and finding a lawyer.. I am very overwhelmed. I know its nonsensical but I just miss him (or who I thought he was). Its only been a little over a month.. I am not sure what I should be feeling right now but right now I just feel really horrible..I am trying...I am reading, I am exercising..I am trying.. I just hurt.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Misadventure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

On the insurance, it's the only one here in Fl that will cover the house (many left Fl), and we are within so many miles from sinkhole etc. I do remember that. I'm going to call the lawyer again tomorrow regarding the other issues you talked about.

 

I have 401k but its not alot. I should get the money soon to retain him. I can tell you that H would be too much of a coward to bring a girl around me.. he has not admitted to it and when I asked him a couple weeks ago he said no, that there was no one. H is not someone who likes confrontation at all so unless he needs to come here, I doubt he will.

 

Please bare with me guys.. I don't know how long it took you to get over your stuff but I am having a really hard time tonight.

 

I am trying very hard to do the 180 stuff..the gym..I did alot this week with the counselor and finding a lawyer.. I am very overwhelmed. I know its nonsensical but I just miss him (or who I thought he was). Its only been a little over a month.. I am not sure what I should be feeling right now but right now I just feel really horrible..I am trying...I am reading, I am exercising..I am trying.. I just hurt.

 

What you are feeling is normal. (Mom hugs)

 

I just don't want you to suffer needlessly.

[2sure]

I've read your entire thread, but haven't chimed in because you have gotten good advice. I've been watching for your posts.

 

You're doing ok. You are taking baby steps. When you're overwhelmed and want everything to jut stop...that's the best you can do.

 

Just keep taking them, and I know you can't imagine it right now, but your life will fall into place. Keep going. Every day in the direction of taking care of yourself. Each step. Financially, legally, emotionally, physically. Baby steps will totally get you there as long as you keep taking them.

 

But you can't stop and think about it too long.

[Misadventure]

I am reading and letting things sink in, I just really hurt right now.

 

I think it's coming home to an empty house..my dogs greet me..but I still half expect to see H walking around the corner. I know it's stupid..he left me high and dry, and really without any care to me at all.

 

I just have a very hard time right now letting go of all of it..

 

2sure..I think when I came home to such a quiet empty house a bit ago..it just really hit me like a wave again. I am going to try and take my doggies out for air or something.

[2sure]

It isn't stupid. It's a great big deal. It's a crisis. It's traumatic.

 

Fortunately, there is process in place for this that works, and you're doing it.

Just that you're doing it is honestly, also a great big deal.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

His loss. One day he will see that and maybe you will have the satisfaction of kicking his ass to the curb

[revitup]

MissA,You have done well.

 

I really feel for you and unfortunately, I know exactly how it feels.It takes a while to overcome the scars of betrayal and mental anguish these wayward ones bring to us.I think you are doing as well as you can expect at this point.

 

I am reading your posts-as much as I can,between STBXWW's garbage today.We all have our days I guess.Mine was today.

 

You will be different after this is over,no matter how it turns out.You will be better equipped for living a happy life too.

 

I wish I had something special to say that would make the pain go away.There just isn't anything except time which will ease that pain.

 

Take heart that you are not alone,we all are here for the same reason.Some are farther along,others are just beginning and still more are victims that don't know they're being cheated on or left....yet!

 

You're way ahead of many.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

2sure, I am just beginning that process...for a moment today I felt like reaching for the phone.. I literally put my cell phone on my foster dog's crate for awhile to not be tempted and walked away and did something else. Then I cried. I really trusted and loved with all of my heart.

 

Daisy, even if one day he regretted walking out he is too much of a coward to admit it..and really, I don't know if I could forgive...and forget. Actually, I know that I couldn't...he is putting me through this and not one look back from him to see if I am ok. I want to be past this sadness so I can be angry...anger can at least be useful.

 

Rev, I love reading what you have to say..I am hoping that I can one day have a happy life again. I would like to feel happy...heck, even for 5 minutes. My mood right now is either sad, a dull ache, small waves of anger, or just trying to be in a mood to move and do something and not really think. TY all for showing me I am not alone in this guys..I know I am babystepping this but at least I am out of bed...that's something.

 

ps- what is STBXWW'... I don't know what everything stands for on this forum? Thank you..Rev, you are such a strong and good person..don't let the craziness drag you down..I can see how strong you are and that too gives me some hope.

[BeholdtheMan]

he is putting me through this and not one look back from him to see if I am ok. I want to be past this sadness so I can be angry...anger can at least be useful

Can you even guess at why he's being so cruel?

 

It sounds like he has a lot of accumulated anger and resetment toward you. Either that or he's a reptilian narcissistic psycho who's found another woman

[WreckedDan]

Soon to be x wayward wife... or some such

 

=)

Dan

[revitup]

MisA,

 

Dan is right-Soon To Be X Wayward Wife

 

On another point,you are going to be just fine.You are out of bed and moving some.There are times in the beginning that we all just want to fall asleep and wake later,to find we were dreaming.I wish it was that easy.

 

You (I believe said in the beginning) that you ONLY had some action about once a week? My goodness,that once a week thing ,would have been like a marathon to REVITUP! STBXWW (in the last past of the R) withheld the action in the bedroom for weeks! She knew it would hurt me and did just that.It wasn't about the sex itself that it hurt me it was the lack of intimacy being withheld that hurt.

 

I say that because I don't think you can or should blame yourself for this thing you are in now.It was not because you were sexually unavailable that your H treated you badly.He did it because he is a jerk.That may be awful simply put but it's true.

 

You were there for him in every way that you knew how.You gave it your all.He will never be happy in any relationship if he was not happy with you.

 

You will move on faster than you think,I see you in the market for only a short time before someone smart gobbles you up.Maybe that's not what you want to think about now but soon you will and it will be ok when you do.I think you know that though.

 

Have a great day all,I will update as the WKRZY news pours in today.

 

REVITUP

[darkmoon]

you're doing okay, too, consider a herbal sedative, they stop you from getting distressed (again)

[Misadventure]

Not sure which one had advised me about meds but I am on Pristiq now. So far just kinda jittery. Darkmoon, I am going to try St. John's wort..what do you think?

 

 

Can you even guess at why he's being so cruel?

 

It sounds like he has a lot of accumulated anger and resentment toward you. Either that or he's a reptilian narcissistic psycho who's found another woman

 

I am almost positive now as I look back that its someone else. I am standing in the way of his new fantasy life with a greener pasture and another woman.. I was oblivious to it all. I am not perfect but I always really tried to please him and make him happy..we never really argued...minor disagreements or discussions but never big bad arguments until the last day when he said he wanted butterflies..ILYBNILWY.

 

I am starting to really think things through...I looked back at his texts today on my phone..he stopped being sweet and flirtatious back at the end of May of this year...it was all "I am gonna hang with so and so after work" a couple times a week..(that started in May and because was a male work friend who I knew, I never thought to distrust or even ask).

 

I think probably the one thing he could possibly resent me for is having friends and making him a part of my family and friends. He comes from a very damaged family himself, infidelity leading to tragedy in the family...No, he never sought therapy..I actually should have seen the red flags before I fell in love...he had casually dated 3 girls who had boyfriends already (one including his own best friend who later forgave him yrs later)..he was ok being the "other guy". His "first time" was actually one of these girls and it was one night only....and then he met me...Basically all this says is he is OK with infidelity despite what it did to his family.

 

Friends have basically told me since he left that for yrs they took him in because they love me..but that he doesn't talk. He made no effort..which is true.. to really talk and get to know many of my friends (and besides my parents/siblings who we saw almost every other weekend) and family members. Example: My best friend's annual Christmas party lasting from 7 pm to probably 4 am...he probably would have said a total of 60 words MAYBE..

 

And his friends..he mainly has work friends...and one best friend in another state who (before this happened they probably talked once every couple months..this is the BF who forgave him yrs ago)...his best friend here was a previous work friend and thats his main friend (and his wife/family)..this is supposedly where he is at now.

 

You (I believe said in the beginning) that you ONLY had some action about once a week? My goodness,that once a week thing ,would have been like a marathon to REVITUP! STBXWW (in the last past of the R) withheld the action in the bedroom for weeks! She knew it would hurt me and did just that.It wasn't about the sex itself that it hurt me it was the lack of intimacy being withheld that hurt.

 

In the beginning and for years actually it was very often...then when I had a medical condition and then an accident it became once a week..sometimes more.. I am sorry, rev. I miss having that intimacy..or what I thought was intimacy..I am sorry you went through that.

 

 

On another point,you are going to be just fine.You are out of bed and moving some.There are times in the beginning that we all just want to fall asleep and wake later,to find we were dreaming.I wish it was that easy.

 

I did that the first 3 weeks..could hardly function...it was so very bad. Still some days this week..so hard to want to get out of bed..This morning.. I thought alot about what many have said on here..I would like to stop crying everyday and if I can't on my own then meds it is.

 

I say that because I don't think you can or should blame yourself for this thing you are in now.It was not because you were sexually unavailable that your H treated you badly.He did it because he is a jerk.That may be awful simply put but it's true.

 

You were there for him in every way that you knew how.You gave it your all.He will never be happy in any relationship if he was not happy with you.

 

I have been blaming myself I think...what did I do..what am I that is so horrible..what is it about me..what could I have done differently..why am I not enough..and I think these thoughts tore me up and I need to stop thinking them..I know what I gave in the relationship..looking at it now.. I basically gave alot..and he took. I think on my end I am culpable in that I trusted and completely loved...and supported him being the breadwinner, improving his education and get ahead..And now I have to figure out what it is that I want...

[darkmoon]

st johns wart takes time to work, ask the health-shop for a better one some drugstores do good own-brands of the same ingredients, note, with some weak brands you need loads, chemical meds can make you worse, too, candidly, ask a lawyer about the impression of you being on prescribed medication when/if such analysis of you comes up in court and so on, careful

[Echo000]

i can relate to the last passage you wrote regarding blame. I struggle with that too. i was truly good to my ex, but all i can fixate on are the small mistakes i made or things she complained about or things i could have done differently. i dont know how your ex was, but mine was manipulative and i wasnt even aware of it untll the end. i think when you love someone, you fail to see that manipulation, and that makes you blame yourself and what YOU did wrong after you split, even when it wasnt your fault.

 

As a side note, i dont think manipulation is always done on purpose. i know my ex was definitely manipulative on purpose at times (through deceit or lies or blame games, etc.), but also done inadvertently as well. Im slowing seeing this now, and trying to use this knowledge to reduce blame that i unfairly heave around on my shoulders every day.

 

Maybe your ex was the same way, highly manipulative. Maybe your the type that overthinks as well (like me). Thats a perfect storm for self-hate and self-blame.

 

Idk just some thoughts..

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Do not go off and on prescription meds, they can cause strange symptoms. They need to be used consistently over a period of time to get into your system correctly. Do not Mis St. John's wort with prescription anti depressants as they can cause serious issues. Do not switch back and forth. Talk to your doctor before doing that. Your side effects could be from several things including getting used to the meds themselves. (Not eating, drinking too much coffee, lack of sleep, stress)

 

Over the counter meds do not have strict controls about strength and purity so be careful. I understand that there are people who prefer holistic meds, but for me I appreciate the effectiveness of the prescription versions.

 

Medicines for depression should not have any effect on your court case, they are widely used and large % of population is on something, you are not on trial, you do not have dependents. You can ask your lawyer, but I believe it would be no different than taking insulin for diabetes.

 

One reminder, get to your docs and have his name removed from medical access to your records. (Hippa privacy notice)

 

Take care of yourself, eat a little, do something nice for yourself.

[Misadventure]

Yes, doctor left message for me not to use St Johns with Priztiq..I am hoping this will help me through this.

 

Echo, I really don't know...sorry you feel all that as well. If he was manipulative, I don't see it right now but maybe in a few months I can look back and see.

 

What I do know is that I didn't deserve this..and while I am having a tough time..he isn't..

 

I think it was on another thread, asking if they wanted their spouse who left to have regret.. I do. I want him to feel regret and guilt..and see what he has done. I want him to say how sorry he is...and then I want to tell him how he betrayed my trust and love and that can't be mended.

 

I think tonight after the gym.. I will.. I will do a self man/pedi... they have been ignored all this time and my nails are starting to look like the dog's.

[Echo000]

you sound like a really good person. and i feel the same way. while we suffer, they feel so much less pain. and thats hard to swallow.

 

treat yourself nicely. you deserve it.

[vla1120]

I think tonight after the gym.. I will.. I will do a self man/pedi... they have been ignored all this time and my nails are starting to look like the dog's.

 

Good for you, Mis!! I know our situations are different, but I spent years letting myself go. I just didn't care anymore. After my recent illness, I decided to get myself in shape. I've lost 30 lbs so far. (For me, his behavior during this illness was the straw that broke the camel's back.)

 

When I tried to leave three years ago, I stayed because he made me feel guilty. I might have felt guilty this time, too, but his carousing on dating sites and his most recent date with the OW from 17 yrs ago leave no room for guilt in my mind.

 

Sorry. I didn't mean to make this post about me!! I just wanted to say the mani/pedi are a great idea! You deserve to be pampered.

[revitup]

MisA,

 

Yup,I want the STBXWW to remember the great things I did for her and hurt about losing that benefit.She won't though.DD15 sent her a letter saying how STBXWW had lost the best family in the world,the most loving and caring husband and the best life STBXWW would ever know! DD15 told her she would never see DD15 again,she sent it yesterday.

 

Do I think it will change STBXWW-NOPE.She has a dark side and that side is ruling her now,it ruled her long before I knew her and it will rule her until she decides she has finally had enough.That is the unfortunate truth.By the time these wayward ones we have been with wake up (and they will on day) we will no longer be available to them.As we get better and stronger we also become more picky about who we are willing to share our love with.They will only get worse as far as self esteem goes.

 

I know I will find a loving woman who is truthful and honest one day.I know some now who are great people.I am just not ready to think about commitment now.I also know it will be different next time and I will never settle for an uncaring woman again.They don't have to be a beauty queen or intellectual giant,they will have to be honest and able to have an intelligent conversation with me.

 

MisA,you are right about the meds-DD15 had to take 10mg's of Prozac for two months after her return to me in Dec 2012.This was not a long term issue nor something chemically imbalanced from birth.It was only due to her mother's emotional abuse of her own 14 yr old daughter.I did not know about it all until I had picked up DD15 in Dec 2012 for Christmas break.DD15 now takes nothing at all and is strong and her self esteem as well as confidence is soaring.It does not have to be a long term thing nor a crutch for the rest of your life.If it helps-use the meds and get better.

 

On the questions-these are dis empowering questions you and all of ask in the beginning.Our brains answer or search for the answers to ALL questions we ask it to process.So if we ask - Why am I so stupid? Our brains will search and find all known examples from our pasts which prove the question right!The great thing is that we can ask empowering questions too.

 

Empowering questions would be - Why am I so lucky to have seen the light so quickly? Why am I so fortunate to have my life back? What can I do today that will make my life better? What can I do to physically gain strength? These and many other questions are far better ones to ask our brain to SEEK the answers to than the bad ones.

 

It really does not matter why someone did this or that to me-only how I can better myself and learn from the setbacks.

 

You MisA are healing now and will have scars like the rest of us,you will one day look at those scars and (like my appendectomy scar) be thankful you were strong enough,lucky enough and blessed enough to recover and have a wonderful life.

 

My friend once told me "pain is the touchstone to spiritual growth".I see that now and have grown a lot lately!

 

Have a great week and keep posting.

 

Oh yeah,I have three mani/pedi gift cards I bought for DD15,STBXWW and Myself years ago-If they will accept them I too am gonna get a little pampering this week-thanks for the suggestion.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

Vla.. I like that people post their experiences on this thread. It helps and also I know it helps you too.

 

I was on the verge if a bath and mani/pedi....but family friend called me...his wife left him (he is like an uncle figure to me) and blindsided him...like it did me..BUT she says she wants to come back eventually, she needs space...

 

I told him about the 180...and he was saying how he was begging, pleading, crying etc...Made me see that I think this is our instinct..I did that for 3 weeks...and I told him to stop...and I told him why. Difference with them is she really loves him and just needed space and a vacation for herself I think..I know in my heart she will go back to him, almost 40 yrs together.

-

 

Rev, so much truth in your post. For all this time I have been racking my brain..wtf did I do..what didn't I do...and you are right...its completely something else that rules him now that I never really saw before that was probably there the whole time.

 

I really do hope you find someone when you are ready who is amazing and honest and truly caring, and loves you.

 

I think I will start slowly asking myself those better questions..I think a part of me..even though my brain knows better..is still clinging to the dream that he will wake up...but I need to stop..and I will...baby steps. Seeing a divorce lawyer, a counselor, meds..all in a week..I just need to sit and soak this in. It's happening...I need to stop thinking of the why's..and start thinking about what I want...and I have no idea yet. Wait... want #1...for my meds to work and be a padding for my emotions..so I can get through this black engulfed water.

 

Yes, please go get mani/pedi's! I will keep posting and thanks.

[WreckedDan]

Hey Mis!

 

You are doing really well! I'm pretty amazed by your progress. Helping your "Uncle" is a step... it lets your mind look at the same thing from the outside... this is why I post on other's threads kind of like teachers learn more from their students.

 

If you haven't yet, look up the 5 stages of grief on a few sites. I found that it helped me to see what I was going through and why some times. When I was at my lowest I spent a lot of time reading about ways to deal with depression including a site I went to probably 3 or 4 times a day Areason.org....

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnle... it's you,

Dan

[Balzac]

You've had a very positive day by comparison. Great to read you're breathing and moving around!!! Step by step. It's a lot to manage. It's a new job to putt yourself as a priority.