Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Is, can I do that without filing for divorce?

 

Littlejazz, I think he plain out doesn't care. He proved to me he just wants someone new (whether he had someone and that fizzled or those butterflies went away also). He is NOT the man I fell in love with and married. THIS is very hard for me to accept...some days I do..some days I don't and it tears me up. Bottom line, I need to really just stop thinking of him as my husband and all the things we shared because it IS gone. I just need to learn to do that. Part of me is hoping he will move out of state as really the only thing for him here is his job and the house.

 

BTW, I did change the locks.

 

Depends on the laws of your state. Need to discuss this with a lawyer who will protect you.

[Misadventure]

He is still out of town, I left a message today. Am in Fl btw. Trying to look this up but can't find a cut and dry answer on this.

 

As for the locks, if he comes to the door, I still have to let him in, I guess.

[Balzac]

Let me understand. This might be your lawyer is a sole practitioner with no associates or other lawyer covering his practice while on holiday?

I don't believe you.

[Misadventure]

He is just by himself, he has paralegals and assistants. They said they would forward it to him. They said if it was an emergency they would have him call me right away. But its not.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He is just by himself, he has paralegals and assistants. They said they would forward it to him. They said if it was an emergency they would have him call me right away. But its not.

 

He has left you with no money, closed out your accounts and is threatening you? Even in FL that's an emergency.

[Misadventure]

You have a point (threatening though...he hasn't really done anything except try to intimidate, it's never gotten physical if that's what you mean..but the whole "start packing".."I will make it hard for you if you make it hard for me"..is that what you mean?).

 

Going to send an email to my lawyer then to see what we can do..I don't want to file yet.. I want him to..but I do need monetary support and would like not to worry about him randomly coming by.

[Janesays]

Every day you don't file, you are making it more and more likely you will be victimized in court. THIS is why he's not filing. It's because the longer this drags on, the LESS he's going to have to give you. IT IS FINANCIALLY BENEFICIAL FOR HIM TO AVOID FILING.

 

You are screwing yourself, MisA. And you are causing yourself a world of hurt and financial woes in the future.

 

You can do all the 'me' things you want....but going to the gym isn't going to pay your rent when this thing is finally done.

 

You want to take care of yourself? YOU FILE. Your lawyer being out of town is just an EXCUSE, because you don't need him to file. His CLERK can file. YOU can file by yourself. The reason you're not filing is because you're still foolishly holding on to the notion that MAYBE he's coming back.

 

The only thing you're doing is screwing yourself. Refuse to file and the ONLY ONE YOU'RE HURTING IS YOU.

 

I can't help you if you insist on being the victim. So sorry, darling. But it looks like the only school you want to learn from is the one from the hard knocks.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi MsA,

 

So sorry that today is a "dip" on the roller coaster. Now more than ever listen to the great advice offered here.

 

I would also offer you:

 

1) Filing is just that filing.....and just starts the process (and can be adjusted). Now it makes a very bold statement of no more mess.

 

2) Once you file most states out of just basic safety will allow you to change locks (if you show that he has offically left), which is technically different from denying him access. With that said, you have to allow him agreed upon access, but he can not just pop over.

 

3)Ultimately filing will states lound and clear: MsA. is now soley in charge of MsA. Regardless if he actually acknowledges remaining in la-la land, you have drawn the line.

 

~Take very good care and be kind to yourself-Mystery

[Balzac]

My understanding of his "leaving" is that the clock stops of that date. In common terms "the clock" means income. It does not remove his obligation to pay or divide the asset pie. For every payment he makes on her behalf, he gets recognition. Utilities. mortgage, insurance, repairs etc. He is gainfully employed, not applying for disability or incarcerated.

 

She's able to file for SNAP, accept monies from her family to survive or take a higher paying job.

He can be a profligate spender and the court then will order him to make payments to her of her fair share of the joint assets.

[Misadventure]

Jane, I promise you that I have no delusions or hopes that he is coming back. That is not why I am not filing yet.

 

I think in part it is because I know he wants me to file so he won't have to spend the money to file. The fact that I am not doing what he wants, which is give him a cheap divorce, just sign, etc and roll over...this is an inconvenience and stress to him. For all that he has done to me, said, hurt me etc.. good! I also am not ready to leave my home yet.

 

Also, myself and family just paid the retainer on the lawyer, I don't have several hundred to pay right now to file and my family has been helping me in what ways they can, they are also helping put my siblings through college.

 

Mystery, I am going to pop on by and speak with the paralegals at the office tomorrow and see what options there may be. For me to consider filing is a big step in itself. A couple weeks ago, I said no, he would need to. I am slowly getting there, I know everyone here has gone through stuff. I am doing what I can. I am still dealing with all of this emotionally.

 

Balzac, can I apply for Snap if we are separated? I am also not sure at what point the court etc will eventually divide our once combined account in half since he had removed me.

[Balzac]

You can and should apply for SNAP online. If you have difficulty, go in person. You are in transition and very likely cash poor. If you qualify for any amount of SNAP it's your obligation to report changes in financial status.

You'll have an answer and your benefit amount very quickly.

I encourage you to apply. You cannot feed yourself on future monetary awards. You need to provide for yourself now.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

MisA

 

Your retainer, goes to YOUR lawyer. Your husband will have to hire his own. As part of the settlement you can negotiate who covers the costs. You can request that he pay.

 

Who files doesn't mean who pays or anything. You are going to get divorced. You however do not have enough money to live on right now and you are making decisions based on lack of understanding of your rights.

[Misadventure]

Ok, Thank you guys, I do appreciate it. I will be going to both places, it looks like, tomorrow.

 

I think the "moving on" part is just very hard for me right now, but I do need to take care of the financial and the legal.

[Balzac]

Moving on comes via small steps. The steps you take now to provide for your own financial needs will pay off for you in future months. The concept you need to embrace financially is that money he pays on your behalf now is in fact money you are choosing to spend on remaining in the house. It's your best option for the immediate future. At some moment of clarity it will occur to you that the expense is equally able to cover a lease for you. Unless your family is offering to take on new financing for your underwater house, you will be moving.

Accepting that is I'm sure painful.

[Misadventure]

Yes, it is painful. Right now I am hurting.

 

I still just have moments of "I cannot believe this happened".

 

It did... he is obviously moving on (even though he won't file), why is it so hard for me to?

 

I keep having moments of remembering the happy times. I know its not who he is now but I miss the person who was my husband.

 

So grieve this? How do I when he is walking around, starting a new life and throwing me out like the trash can?

 

Some moments I feel strong..and like now, I just feel hurt and that I need to cry.

 

I guess I need to keep flashing the printout of his dating page to remind me that the person I once loved is no longer.

[Steen719]

Yes, it is painful. Right now I am hurting.

 

I still just have moments of "I cannot believe this happened".

 

It did... he is obviously moving on (even though he won't file), why is it so hard for me to?

 

I keep having moments of remembering the happy times. I know its not who he is now but I miss the person who was my husband.

 

So grieve this? How do I when he is walking around, starting a new life and throwing me out like the trash can?

 

Some moments I feel strong..and like now, I just feel hurt and that I need to cry.

 

I guess I need to keep flashing the printout of his dating page to remind me that the person I once loved is no longer.

 

It gets better. It is a process; that is what a friend said to me over and over. So, cry when you need to. You cannot expect to feel good now. You are just beginning this journey. Ups and downs are awful and one day - it might take a while - you might realize that you have felt good for a couple of days. Eventually, you will realize you have started healing.

 

Right now, protect yourself first and get that out of the way. Then, realize that you are meant to grieve. You loved him and trusted him and it is really, really hard to get past that. Many of us know how that feels.

 

Right now, you are romanticizing what his situation is. He probably is, too. It won't be like this forever. He may even come crawling back - never say never; I would have never believed it. Now,what I feel is sorrow for my XH...that is something I never thought I would feel. I was devastated - 23 years. You WILL feel better, but you must go through the pain and not around it. Get it out, cry as much as you need to. I cried every day for a long time and always felt a little better after I cried.

 

It is a new life for you and you will probably not want to embrace it as such right away. That's OK - be easier on yourself. It is still new, raw. One last thing, once you have take steps to protect yourself financially, find things to do. I went ANYWHERE people asked me to. I even went to my friend's Dr. appointments with her and waited in the waiting room, reading my book. At least I was getting out!

 

It will get better; it will.

 

OH...and my attorney (I live in Fl as well) told me that my XH could change the locks, but I could pay to have a locksmith change them to my new keys and that he then could do the same....stupid. I just called him and threatened him with legal action and gave him 24 hours to change them back. He did it! Tell him you have talked to your attorney and since he was the one to leave, you can change them and he must ask you to come over. He hasn't gotten an attorney because he wants you to take care of it, so he won't know and if he finds out that isn't true, so what? You were just mistaken. Don't be bullied by him. That's what he wants and do not stoop to his level. Ignore him and it will help you. Don't get on FB - I blocked my XH right away.

 

Hang in there.

[Balzac]

You're not the only Floridian owning an underwater house. We've got no idea about your down payment or the terms of your mortgage. It has occurred to me that he may have wished to ditch the house and came to the conclusion it was just easier to ditch you too. Your perception of his high salary and career stability may be unfounded. A man making a high salary delays making a capital improvement because he views it as lost money.

 

I honestly wonder how well he's able to understand finance.

[revitup]

Yes, it is painful. Right now I am hurting.

 

I still just have moments of "I cannot believe this happened".

 

It did... he is obviously moving on (even though he won't file), why is it so hard for me to?

 

I keep having moments of remembering the happy times. I know its not who he is now but I miss the person who was my husband.

 

So grieve this? How do I when he is walking around, starting a new life and throwing me out like the trash can?

 

Some moments I feel strong..and like now, I just feel hurt and that I need to cry.

 

I guess I need to keep flashing the printout of his dating page to remind me that the person I once loved is no longer.

 

MsA, It is gonna hurt,it's supposed to hurt.If you did not hurt, I would be surprised.You hurt because you loved! He (like my WW) will not hurt like you and I because they did not love like you and I did.They also planned this out a long time in advance.They did their decision making months before hand.You are just caught off guard.

 

As for the "why isn't he filing-if he wants a divorce" or "he won't file"-I think you could be holding onto this as a "sign" maybe a "hope" that he somehow deep down inside, may be having second thoughts,maybe there is a chance for reconciliation.Do not get your hopes up....if you think this may be true.He would love to know he has you hanging on for a slim chance of reuniting.That way he has the cow,the milk and the cake!

 

The grieving and pain are very important.Yes you should cry and yes you should grieve.The happy times you enjoyed with him are still there.You will always have that.The grieving is for the passing of a part of your experience in life.That part is gone and new experiences and adventures are right ahead.

 

He is not having the fun you think he is having! If he was all that....he would have no need for joining dating sites and telling lies just to get a "date" from some nasty skank who also lies to get men from dating sites! The women on these sites always say "do not send pics of your weasel" and "are there any nice men out there"?

 

MsA,Make sure you get rest and do all you can to eat right and exercise.Try and do the gym thing as much as possible.It will help get your mind clear and your sleep will be better.My son is a personal trainer (Marine 8yrs) in Tampa,he says there are great gyms and training programs all over FL.Try some new things and make some new friends.

 

You are going to be just fine,his pecker will be drippin' like a Good Humor in July if he keeps this online stuff going.

 

REVITUP

[trippi1432]

MsA - This man abandoned you...took money you had on direct deposit, your pay check...posted on a dating site and lied about it...butterflies...give him some. FILE!!

 

There is no honor or blame in who files first....look out for you, he's not! People who abandon their spouses and point the finger and leave them penniless, they do not deserve a moments remorse.

 

What will keep you stuck is not seeing him for who he is...do not let love blind you....love is not one-sided. File!

[littlejaz]

If you file then you stop (at least in theory) him depleting any more of the marital assets. And if you end up in court rather than settling it may give you one small advantage - that of rebuttal.

[Misadventure]

The assistants today said he would get in touch with me today (my lawyer).

 

Going to therapy in a bit. I think maybe this weekend, I will also change my hair totally different.

 

Btw yes, I do think he had someone beforehand when he left...this profile he had has been up since May 2, 2013.

 

Rev, btw I am the same place as your son is, so if he has some workout recommendations, lemme know!

 

Steen, yeah, I cry when its really bad and overwhelming...the ups and downs seriously suck. I trusted and loved him and all that is gone and some days that is hard to face even though my MIND knows the difference.

 

With his situation..whatever he is, I think he is doing whatever looking for a new "butterfly feeling, greener grass" and avoiding dealing with the facts of what he has done to me and our marriage, and how cold, unemotional and what an @sshole he is. He takes no responsibility for what he has done at all and that was evident when he messaged my sister the other day after he was caught on match, saying to her that I guess you will listen/believe to all the ***** your sister and her friends will say about me, have a nice life...

 

Never mind the things he has done, wtf!!!

 

Steen, yes I am going to do exactly that, just get out and do what I can... I want it to get better. I do. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could cast my feelings out like he has.

[StellaChic]

It takes a lot of time to just "move on"---however, while you are on that journey, you should take care of all the legal necessities. He is not going to change his mind and please don't wait for him to do so. You are doing the right thing--getting out for walks, etc...please take time for yourself. My divorce was painful too. Going to therapy helped alot. The best decision that I ever made once I decided to divorce was dipping into our saving accounts and paying off all credit cards and closing them out. Also, you need a couple of credit cards in your name solely, so if you don't already have any, the best time to apply is while you're still married. This is how you start building your own credit up. This journey is tough but it can be done. In a few years you will look back and feel so relieved that he is no longer in your life. TRUST ME.

Edited August 23, 2013 by StellaChic

[revitup]

MsA,My son was working at Anytime Fitness.....until he crashed his motorcycle. He will be in full force this week after 12 weeks of r&r from the broken ribs.

 

I will PM you his number,he said he would be glad to help you with tips and exercises.Will email you a nutrition / grocery list as well.

 

REVITUP

[It-is-what-it-is.]

How you doing?

[revitup]

Hey MsA,

 

I tried to pm you but...............

Wouldn't work.

 

I hope all is well with you and that you know you're not the only one in the world with a dingbat to deal with.

 

I'm currently awaiting the JUDGE's (STBXWW thinks she is Judge Wopner?) decision in my case-STBXWW is now a US Marshall or something or other kinda, maybe. Heck I don't know she is just so skilled.

 

REVITUP