I am curious, why do people date someone who is not available?

[Babolat]

I have been reading some of the posts here, and I just don't get it.

 

I am not being rude or judgemental at all. More curious.

 

I recently went out with a girl who announced to me on the 2nd date she had a bf. She did not say much more so I continued to see her, thinking maybe they wer eon the outs or it was a way for her to keep from getting to close to soon (no real bf).

 

4-5 dates in, no romance, just some touching, I told her I cannot be the other man. I could not date someone knowing there was a man in her life that I was disrespecting. I reminded her she was not single.

 

She took a couple of days, came back to talk to me and agreed and said it was best we not see each other anymore. She said she had been trying to break up with her bf since before we hung out, he was not taking it well and that she needed to stay with him. She said she did not expect me to really like her, that a man like me (looks she said) could never like someone like her, and it caught her by surprise.

 

She earned a lot of points for saying that. Though she did text me recently saying when she was with me all she could think about was having sex with me.

 

So why do people do this? The other person is simply not available? They are not single? I will repeat...they are not available? So why get involved?

[fanine]

I have been reading some of the posts here, and I just don't get it.

 

I am not being rude or judgemental at all. More curious.

 

I recently went out with a girl who announced to me on the 2nd date she had a bf. She did not say much more so I continued to see her, thinking maybe they wer eon the outs or it was a way for her to keep from getting to close to soon (no real bf).

 

4-5 dates in, no romance, just some touching, I told her I cannot be the other man. I could not date someone knowing there was a man in her life that I was disrespecting. I reminded her she was not single.

 

She took a couple of days, came back to talk to me and agreed and said it was best we not see each other anymore. She said she had been trying to break up with her bf since before we hung out, he was not taking it well and that she needed to stay with him. She said she did not expect me to really like her, that a man like me (looks she said) could never like someone like her, and it caught her by surprise.

 

She earned a lot of points for saying that. Though she did text me recently saying when she was with me all she could think about was having sex with me.

 

So why do people do this? The other person is simply not available? They are not single? I will repeat...they are not available? So why get involved?

 

Many of us thought the person we were dating was single - and only found out many months down the line....when we were already involved. It is not so clear cut when human emotions are involved...

[Speakingofwhich]

I have asked myself this question many times.

 

I think it's because you connect with someone in a way that short circuits your brain (logic).

 

Also, if you have lived your life making decisions with your emotions or hormones rather than with your brain you have to unlearn that process. Sometimes it takes some hard knocks to do so!

[Star Gazer]

Because they themselves are unavailable... emotionally unavailable.

[tbf]

I recently went out with a girl who announced to me on the 2nd date she had a bf.

 

4-5 dates in,

If you knew she was already previously involved, why did you continue dating her? So your question can and should be mirrored back to you.

[Star Gazer]

If you knew she was already previously involved, why did you continue dating her? So your question can and should be mirrored back to you.

 

And to reiterate: Because he's emotionally unavailable.

[MissBee]

Because they themselves are unavailable... emotionally unavailable.

 

Yupp! This is often the case. For me it was. I didn't know about emotional unavailability though, I just thought I was unlucky to always be in scenarios with unavailable men....then I read a book that described me to a tee and how I was emotionally unavailable as well, hence subconsciously chose these situations.

[thecharade]

A relationship can end at any time, any moment. You cannot read another person's mind, only judge their actions. When you get to know someone (very often at work), you forma relationship, married or not. Almost everyone I work with is M, and we are all close. If "chemistry" occurs, and the person IN the marriage is behaving as if they are OUT of the marriage, it's hard not to start falling for them.

 

People often say, "I've been hit on plenty and never said Yes because I have morals." Nothing to do with it. Anyone can end up in an affair. What else explains say 35 years of fidelity and then an affair? If you do start an A, it's one of two things:

 

You are romantically disconnected from your spouse.

or

You are very connected and attracted to the new person.

 

Or both.

 

I have been turning down inappropriate flirting and offers for decades. I never cheated on even a boyfriend. Or a test! So why did I have my A now? Lost my connection to my H and the right person (my first love) showed up. It could NOT have been anyone. That is a myth for many in an A.

 

You usually don't just meet someone, find out they are M, and then agree to "date." Waaayyyyyy more subtle of a transition and entanglement.

[Star Gazer]

Yupp! This is often the case. For me it was. I didn't know about emotional unavailability though, I just thought I was unlucky to always be in scenarios with unavailable men....then I read a book that described me to a tee and how I was emotionally unavailable as well, hence subconsciously chose these situations.

 

Yup! Been there, done that! Threw away the t-shirt!

[tbf]

And to reiterate: Because he's emotionally unavailable.

Possibly, as well as the competitive nature of testosterone and other psychological factors. Both males and females naturally produce testosterone. But males produce 10 - 20 times more, although females are more sensitive to our naturally manifesting lower doses of testosterone.

[Star Gazer]

Possibly, as well as the competitive nature of testosterone and other psychological factors. Both males and females naturally produce testosterone. But males produce 10 - 20 times more, although females are more sensitive to our naturally manifesting lower doses of testosterone.

 

Right. I just based my comment on the OP, given his thread today in the dating section about not wanting to date romantically but spending lots of time with various women as "friends."

[stillafool]

I would say those who actually know the person is unavailable and still gets involved with them are selfish, weak, low self esteem and desperate for affection and attention.

[thefooloftheyear]

Some are just prospecting for a potential "better deal", but dont have the balls to go single before doing it...

 

TFY

[bentleychic]

I cannot see any current OW/OM honestly putting herself/himself out here with her/his answers after these responses and assumptions about OW/OM. I know I won't bother. Good luck with your search for the answer!

[Goodbye]

I got into my situation believing that my exMM's marriage was over, as he was separated. None of that was reality. I ended things shortly after getting the real story. That being said, I was pretty darn in love with him and in my weakened post-divorce state, I think I was wide open to make stupid judgements about what is a good idea.

[HopingAgain]

Because they themselves are unavailable... emotionally unavailable.

 

I think this is most often the case, particularly for those entering into the relationship knowing the love interest is attached to someone else.

[wanting more]

I would say those who actually know the person is unavailable and still gets involved with them are selfish, weak, low self esteem and desperate for affection and attention.

 

I would say you're wrong, that's a broad generalization about OW/OM. And it's really getting kind of old hearing from people. I may have been selfish but I was not/am not weak. I have/always had great self esteem. I wasn't desperate for affection or attention. I actually get more attention from men than I'd like.

 

I didn't seek out a MM and think "I'm going to fu** him and ruin so many people's lives just because I can and feel like

Like many As I think, we worked together and were friends long before any emotional attachment started. Then it was a very subtle crossing of the line, talking about kids, family, spouses (not in a negative way, just everyday things).

Then the flirting. I still didn't see if was crossing the line, just flirting with no thought of it going further.

Then we traveled together for work, drank too much, got bolder with each other and had sex for the 1st time.

I knew it was wrong. But it felt good. I wanted to be with him again. I enjoyed being around him. I didn't need him to make me happy. I was content my living my life at home the way it was and has been for years. In the beginning of the A I compartmentalized my lives. I was living 2 and knew it. I had all my responsibilities at home, and I had the carefree life of my A. I guess I figured I had never forced myself on him (much to his BWs belief) something must've been missing at home in his life that he'd start an A with me.

 

I'm not going to go into all the details of my A.

 

I lived 2 lives then. I didn't think about the hurt I'd cause people when it came out. I never had the narcatisic attitude that I was owed more than the life I was living.

The question is asked a lot on here WHY. there's my answer. I was content in my life at home until my youngest was going to turn 18. xMM was my life on the side.

[Babolat]

If you knew she was already previously involved, why did you continue dating her? So your question can and should be mirrored back to you.

 

A fair question....

 

I assumed it was ending or that it was made up. She kept telling me he was not putting a ring on her finger...which to me said "It's not gonna work out".

 

As soon as I realized it was real, was not ending, before there were emotions, I told her I can't do this.

[Babolat]

And to reiterate: Because he's emotionally unavailable.

 

Actually no; it kind of became a conquer for me....can I "get" her...win her over. That lasted for about a week to 10 days then I realized this is not me.

[Babolat]

Right. I just based my comment on the OP, given his thread today in the dating section about not wanting to date romantically but spending lots of time with various women as "friends."

 

That's a fair assessment.

[Star Gazer]

Actually no; it kind of became a conquer for me....can I "get" her...win her over. That lasted for about a week to 10 days then I realized this is not me.

 

That's a fair assessment.

 

Your responses are inconsistent.

[Phoenix32]

I know this won't be a real popular opinion, but I think sometimes people meet someone special, possibly even their soulmate, and it doesn't even matter whether one or the other or both are married. Of course, it doesn't always work out, but they say love is blind and I believe many of the people in affairs truly fell in love.

[kaylan]

I see the behavior as selfishness and a lack of empathy. Empathy being the biggest part. Having been cheated on, I couldnt ever allow myself to see someone I knew was taken. I couldnt put someone through that pain. So even if I was duped into dating someone and falling for a girl I thought was single, Id still dump her as soon as I found out she was taken.

 

But thats just me. Some folks dont have that sort of emotional strength to make a clean break like that. And others can be straight up selfish and not care. It really depends on the person. I just try to do unto others as I would want done to me, thats a big part of why I stay away from all cheating situations. Id like to think that if I can be honorable, that Ill be able to find a good woman who thinks and feels the same way.

[fanine]

In other words you began your relationship with him lying to you but still you trust him???

 

No! I don't trust him. I'm NC. I have no idea what the truth is anymore....I am not with him any more...but very hard to break up with someone several months down the line when emotions have become involved. That's all I meant. I would never have got involved at the start if I knew he wasn't really separated.

[whereamigoing]

This will come as a shocker to some of you but not all affairs are the same. They are as different as marriages are, it's a shocker I know, but true. Believe it or not.

 

I knew xMM was married before the A started. There was no long flirting period. I didn't know he had an attraction to me. He didn't know I had one towards him. We barely talked and exchanged only pleasantries when we occasionally ran into each other. I never considered an affair, neither did he. It literally happened one night without premeditation, no sex or anything like that, just talking and closeness. We could have stopped but we chose not to. Why did we make that choice? Very strong mutual physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. We filled an empty spot in the other. It was a perfect fit. When the actual physical part if our relationship started that only amplified those feelings. It went like that for years. We had some NC and DDays...the feelings never left even when we were apart. They continue now though we are not together as we once were.

 

That's my story and why I dated someone who wasn't available.