I am curious, why do people date someone who is not available?

[Babolat]

Babalot,

With some of the rationalizations you've just received, it pretty much opens the door and rolls out the red carpet for you to get it going with Any woman who is M'd, engaged, has a SO. SWEEEET, right?!?

 

So now that, That road block is out of the way, why don't you tell your Mother or Father or the H's and wives that are friends of yours what you're up to & your new "way of thinking" is. Or, OH, just tell this girl's B/F that his G/F is really "available"so no hard feelings, no need to be pissy.

 

Babalot, I have no doubt you are Easy on the eyes. I believe you have a certain charm that attracts people, especially women. Good for you! It sounds like you are ready to get back into a true, open, honest, authentic relationship. Being athletic, handsome & charming will definitely help you do that.

Please for the love of Pete, Don't forget to use your brain (the one on your shoulders*) and decide Up Front, how much drama and emotional wreckage you want Before you choose to move ahead with this "available" woman who is on a 3 year relationship with her B/F.

CIH*

 

Well said, and thanks. I have no plans to move ahead with her. 24 hours later I am feeling different, like I did 5+ weeks ago when we agreed to stop hanging out.

[2sure]

It's a good feeling to make a good choice, know it, and move forward.

A building block that leads to really great things.

[thecharade]

This is really what gets me about the whole mess of affairs: that available vibe the married person sends out. It's wrong. It's the problem. It's the cause. And it's their responsibility to know they are projecting that vibe and not live in denial. Marriage is only as strong as the two people in the marriage. The piece of paper only matters if the two people in the contract are following it. No one else in the world matters to the marriage if those two people are blocking all others: body, heart, and mind. It's the married person's responsibility. If my H got pissed at my AP, it would only be jealousy talking. He knows it was ME that was supposed to have his back.

 

Speaking of the extensive entanglements, loss, and setbacks that a man suffers in divorce, doesn't this seem to explain why 70% of divorces are filed by wives? And the 95% who stay married after an affair? Or is it that 95 out of every 100 men have perfect wives and they are just dumbsh@ts? Just wondering how you explain the statistics if it isn't the high price men pay in divorce.

 

Babalot, you don't need this mess. Seriously, why would she do this? Run.

[thecharade]

Personal integrity? Yes, I obviously lost mine for awhile.

 

And making healthy choices feels great, but it doesn't necessarily solve marital issues. I'm continuing that work.

[thecharade]

Oh, and Babolat, is it just me, or was it extra nasty of her to bring her bf out to meet you? Whhhaaatttt?! Cruel to him if she leaves him for you! Cruel to you if she doesn't! Or a sick game of "fight over me"?

 

No, this is not a sweet girl.

[janedoe67]

I want to make sure I have this correct. As long as I can say I am unhappy, the "piece of paper" doesn't matter and I am fair game, right? There is no sacredness in marriage and no moral obligation to respect it. A spouse can just say they feel unhappy or disconnected or whatever, and poor! They're single, and the person who decides to take them up on their "invite" is just fine and dandy.

 

Just making sure I understand the "rules."

 

Of course, the above is probably a more comfortable answer than "character issues."

[Babolat]

Oh, and Babolat, is it just me, or was it extra nasty of her to bring her bf out to meet you? Whhhaaatttt?! Cruel to him if she leaves him for you! Cruel to you if she doesn't! Or a sick game of "fight over me"?

 

No, this is not a sweet girl.

 

I made the suggestion for her to bring him out as I was comfortable with it. I made the suggestion back in June/July when we first started hanging out.

 

She sent me a text a week or so ago pretty much accepting the invitation; so last weekend when I knew I was going out to see a band play I invited her and her bf. It was kind of a test "Is there really a bf?" and "Will she feel comfortable introducing to me?". I think the answers are Yes and Yes.

 

I was expecting her to show up alone and make up an excuse for why he did not come. So, she actually earned a few points in my book for bringing him.

[jlola]

I want to make sure I have this correct. As long as I can say I am unhappy, the "piece of paper" doesn't matter and I am fair game, right? There is no sacredness in marriage and no moral obligation to respect it. A spouse can just say they feel unhappy or disconnected or whatever, and poor! They're single, and the person who decides to take them up on their "invite" is just fine and dandy.

 

Just making sure I understand the "rules."

 

Of course, the above is probably a more comfortable answer than "character issues."

 

Well, everyone is fine with bad behavior as long as it is not being done to them. "get over it", "there are no guarantees" "You don't own anybody" blah,blah,blah. But when it is done to them, Or they are not chosen they cry. Poor me, only my feelings count. I cannot think of someone else's feelings when I am helping the backstabber. Only my own when things do not go my way!

[jlola]

I made the suggestion for her to bring him out as I was comfortable with it. I made the suggestion back in June/July when we first started hanging out.

 

She sent me a text a week or so ago pretty much accepting the invitation; so last weekend when I knew I was going out to see a band play I invited her and her bf. It was kind of a test "Is there really a bf?" and "Will she feel comfortable introducing to me?". I think the answers are Yes and Yes.

 

I was expecting her to show up alone and make up an excuse for why he did not come. So, she actually earned a few points in my book for bringing him.

 

 

Bringing her boyfriend to meet you is just so much more disrespectful. She should have felt very uncomfortable in that situation and wanted to avoid you and her Bf in same room if it could be helped.

 

I think you need to understand women. St least this woman. She thrives on the competition. On feeling wanted by 2 men. this triangle is good for her. Bad for everyone else.

 

How you could twist this to be positive is beyond me.

 

Perhaps one day when you are in a long term relationship and you are the one in the dark, you will see how cruel this is.

 

Especially when you realize the guy she introduced as her "friend" who you made small talk with is your replacement. How would you feel knowing they were starting up a relationship behind your back, but she is there with you acting like everything is well while the guy she has lined up sized you up.

 

Real nice girl. A keeper!

[Babolat]

Bringing her boyfriend to meet you is just so much more disrespectful. She should have felt very uncomfortable in that situation and wanted to avoid you and her Bf in same room if it could be helped.

 

I think you need to understand women. St least this woman. She thrives on the competition. On feeling wanted by 2 men. this triangle is good for her. Bad for everyone else.

 

How you could twist this to be positive is beyond me.

 

Perhaps one day when you are in a long term relationship and you are the one in the dark, you will see how cruel this is.

 

Especially when you realize the guy she introduced as her "friend" who you made small talk with is your replacement. How would you feel knowing they were starting up a relationship behind your back, but she is there with you acting like everything is well while the guy she has lined up sized you up.

 

Real nice girl. A keeper!

 

I think her bringing her bf was a way to show me she is comfortable being friends. I did not view it as disrespectful to him or me. I invited them.

 

Back in June/July, when I told her I could not be the other man, I told her we could be friends. She said no then, which was Ok with me, that she could not spend time with me as she thought about sex when she was with me. She disappeared for 4+ weeks then sent me a texting stating her and her bf would like to see a band with me sometime, if I was OK with that. I was/am.

 

She said Sunday she just needed time to think and seeing me caused her to realize she does like me as a friend.

 

I have no idea how she has explained me to her bf. And to your point, yes, if my gf made a new male friend while we were dating, and they were spending time together, I would be concerned. #1 I would wan to meet the man to see his intentions.

 

I don't think she thrives on the attention from 2 men; I think she likes the attention from me; a man she never saw as in her league, obtainable, one who would be interested in her; and she is curious, "Is this possible, is it real?". She, in my opinion, has settled in the past, and probably currently, as she has confidence and self esteem issues.

 

Again, I am not pursing this woman. I am not going to have sex with her. If in the future she gives me the OK, thumbs up, no bf, and I am interested, not dating, yeah, I may go for it.

[Lei Ping]

I have been reading some of the posts here, and I just don't get it.

 

I am not being rude or judgemental at all. More curious.

 

I recently went out with a girl who announced to me on the 2nd date she had a bf. She did not say much more so I continued to see her, thinking maybe they wer eon the outs or it was a way for her to keep from getting to close to soon (no real bf).

 

4-5 dates in, no romance, just some touching, I told her I cannot be the other man. I could not date someone knowing there was a man in her life that I was disrespecting. I reminded her she was not single.

 

She took a couple of days, came back to talk to me and agreed and said it was best we not see each other anymore. She said she had been trying to break up with her bf since before we hung out, he was not taking it well and that she needed to stay with him. She said she did not expect me to really like her, that a man like me (looks she said) could never like someone like her, and it caught her by surprise.

 

She earned a lot of points for saying that. Though she did text me recently saying when she was with me all she could think about was having sex with me.

 

So why do people do this? The other person is simply not available? They are not single? I will repeat...they are not available? So why get involved?

 

Waaay back when I met a Girl whom I had seen around. She was drop dead gorgeous and she was ALWAYS with her BF until one night when she wasn't. She called me over and expressed her interest, told me things weren't going well with her (live-in) BF and they were headed in different directions and she wanted to make a move in my direction.

 

I thanked her, advised her to get back in the ring with the BF and if things didn't work out to give me a call.

 

Months later she ran into me (came and found me) at my favorite watering hole after the breakup and proceeded to almost sex me to death for half a year or so and eventually her ex-BF cried and begged his way back into the picture. I gave them my blessing, my FB and her BF and they got back together. Lasted 6 months and finished for good. She was a different person from the HS sweetie he once knew.

 

She explained to me that while they had had their initial problems almost every one of HIS "friends" tried to get next to her, yet here I was a total stranger making a consideration in favor of their relationship in turning her advance down, in spite of the obvious mutual lust.

[Babolat]

Waaay back when I met a Girl whom I had seen around. She was drop dead gorgeous and she was ALWAYS with her BF until one night when she wasn't. She called me over and expressed her interest, told me things weren't going well with her (live-in) BF and they were headed in different directions and she wanted to make a move in my direction.

 

I thanked her, advised her to get back in the ring with the BF and if things didn't work out to give me a call.

 

Months later she ran into me (came and found me) at my favorite watering hole after the breakup and proceeded to almost sex me to death for half a year or so and eventually her ex-BF cried and begged his way back into the picture. I gave them my blessing, my FB and her BF and they got back together. Lasted 6 months and finished for good. She was a different person from the HS sweetie he once knew.

 

She explained to me that while they had had their initial problems almost every one of HIS "friends" tried to get next to her, yet here I was a total stranger making a consideration in favor of their relationship in turning her advance down, in spite of the obvious mutual lust.

 

I get this...you were not making yourself available, that was more of a challenge, an attraction for her.

 

I think what happened with this current woman who has a bf, is she saw me out Saturday night, at a club, a bar, she saw me being social, having fun, dancing, I was very confident and social with her bf. He was kind of a wall flower. She wanted me, knows I am not going to go there with her while she has a bf as I have told her this.

 

Next morning she wakes up, thinking about it/me, texts me, wants to hang out if I am available. I played it cool and made it appear I did have plans but could fit her in. As the day progressed she kept stating "if you have other plans I understand and can go home". I actually did, though they got cancelled, so it played in nicely.

 

No, I was not playing a game, I just wanted to see where her head was.