Stuck in the friendzone

[Issues & tissues]

I came out of a very long and difficult relationship around 6 years ago and until quite recently I was not ready for or really interested in another relationship.

 

However, that all changed at the end of last year when I met a wonderful guy through mutual friends. But as you can imagine, having been out of the dating game for six years, I am...ahem...a little rusty!

 

In a nutshell, we have a great deal in common, get on like a house on fire and love being in each other's company. We have a lot of love and respect for each other.

 

He's an artist but he also travels a lot as he is a musician and participates in various folk music festivals so he's away a lot. But as soon as he is back in town, he usually gives me a call to arrange a meet up. We chat, laugh, hang out and jam together (I sing). And although neither of us are currently in a relationship we have never discussed our personal lives with each other. We seem to be able to talk about everything except for this. It's definitely the white elephant in the room.

 

We are very close and my feelings for him go beyond just friendship. I am a rather shy person when it comes to dating and certainly would not make the first move (though I have no problem speaking, maintaining eye contact or even hugging him all of which I do!).

 

Usually, when we say goodbye we hug but the last three times we met he gave me a cheeky kiss on the cheek.

 

I guess what I want to know is whether or not a kiss on the cheek is a sign that we are well and truly stuck in the friendzone or maybe him testing the waters before taking it further. Just for the record, I did not recoil but instead I gave him a reassuring squeeze.

 

I have liked him from the moment I first set eyes on him but as I am shy when it comes to matters of the heart it is possible that he just takes my "shyness" as a sign that I am not interested in anything more than friends.

 

How do I let him know that I am interested without risking our friendship?

 

All comments would be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Issues & tissues

[New User]

I came out of a very long and difficult relationship around 6 years ago and until quite recently I was not ready for or really interested in another relationship.

 

However, that all changed at the end of last year when I met a wonderful guy through mutual friends. But as you can imagine, having been out of the dating game for six years, I am...ahem...a little rusty!

 

In a nutshell, we have a great deal in common, get on like a house on fire and love being in each other's company. We have a lot of love and respect for each other.

 

He's an artist but he also travels a lot as he is a musician and participates in various folk music festivals so he's away a lot. But as soon as he is back in town, he usually gives me a call to arrange a meet up. We chat, laugh, hang out and jam together (I sing). And although neither of us are currently in a relationship we have never discussed our personal lives with each other. We seem to be able to talk about everything except for this. It's definitely the white elephant in the room.

 

We are very close and my feelings for him go beyond just friendship. I am a rather shy person when it comes to dating and certainly would not make the first move (though I have no problem speaking, maintaining eye contact or even hugging him all of which I do!).

 

Usually, when we say goodbye we hug but the last three times we met he gave me a cheeky kiss on the cheek.

 

I guess what I want to know is whether or not a kiss on the cheek is a sign that we are well and truly stuck in the friendzone or maybe him testing the waters before taking it further. Just for the record, I did not recoil but instead I gave him a reassuring squeeze.

 

I have liked him from the moment I first set eyes on him but as I am shy when it comes to matters of the heart it is possible that he just takes my "shyness" as a sign that I am not interested in anything more than friends.

 

How do I let him know that I am interested without risking our friendship?

 

All comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I think that there's always going to be some risk to a friendship when you try to transition into something else. I'd think that the best way to test the waters would maybe be by flirting with him maybe a bit more strongly than you may have. You could just tell him, but to me (this is just me) I'd rather approach it in the same way that I usually approach letting someone know that I am interested- which is nonverbal. I don't think that I'm the one to tell you how to indicate interest nonverbally to a guy though- I'll let the ladies cover that should one of them feel like it. I suspect that any advice I gave you would involve being much more forward than you might like.

[Mr.Mango]

Just flirt with him, only two real outcomes there. Either he picks up on it and responds, or you have fun flirting as friends (which happens). In this sort of situation you can't force anything. You've already established yourself as friends so all you can do is show your interest through flirting and see if he's interested. Go beyond that and you risk affecting the dynamic in the friendship you've built.

 

Pretty funny, feel like that's usually what men have to do with women when trying to court them.

 

Him giving you a peck on the cheek is a decent indicator, if anything look at is as an invitation to flirt more. If he doesn't react nicely to the flirting then you can always go back on that and chalk it up as a misunderstanding.

[Issues & tissues]

Thank you both for your helpful replies.

 

I shall definitely up the flirting game though not sure how without coming across as "having gone all weird" LOL!

 

Here's a question for the guys: if a female friend who until now has never shown any romantic interest in you suddenly starts flirting with you, would you...

 

...be flattered by it?

...think it weird?

...flirt back?

...take it as her just messing around?

...take it as her just getting more comfortable being around you?

...go in for the kill (a kiss on the lips or ask her out properly)?

...avoid her?

...ask her what's going on?

...tell her straight that you are not interested (if that be the case)?

...think "creepy"?

 

Also, when it comes to flirting, what concrete signs (e.g. a mutual kiss on the cheek, inviting him out exclusively on a date, random 'just because' gifts, wrapping my arm around his when out on a walk, play fight, etc.) would make a guy think "I think she's into me"?

 

I guess what I am asking is, assuming that he also likes me more than just as a friend, what CLEAR (and I am not taking about rubbing my breasts in his face or sticking my hand down his crotch) yet SUBTLE signals do guys look for in order to take it to the next level?

 

I know not all guys look for signals but in the case of my gentleman friend he is older (early 40s) and is very respectful so he is not the type to just stick his tongue down my throat unexpectedly (sadly).

Edited August 9, 2013 by Issues & tissues

[New User]

Thank you both for your helpful replies.

 

I shall definitely up the flirting game though not sure how without coming across as "having gone all weird" LOL!

 

Here's a question for the guys: if a female friend who until now has never shown any romantic interest in you suddenly starts flirting with you, would you...

 

...be flattered by it?

...think it weird?

...flirt back?

...take it as her just messing around?

...take it as her just getting more comfortable being around you?

...go in for the kill (a kiss on the lips or ask her out properly)?

...avoid her?

...ask her what's going on?

...tell her straight that you are not interested (if that be the case)?

...think "creepy"?

 

Also, when it comes to flirting, what concrete signs (e.g. a mutual kiss on the cheek, inviting him out exclusively on a date, random 'just because' gifts, wrapping my arm around his when out on a walk, play fight, etc.) would make a guy think "I think she's into me"?

 

I guess what I am asking is, assuming that he also likes me more than just as a friend, what CLEAR (and I am not taking about rubbing my breasts in his face or sticking my hand down his crotch) yet SUBTLE signals do guys look for in order to take it to the next level?

 

I know not all guys look for signals but in the case of my gentleman friend he is older (early 40s) and is very respectful so he is not the type to just stick his tongue down my throat unexpectedly (sadly).

 

If he's into you, he'll be thrilled. Sadly, if he has no interest nothing you do is likely to change that- not trying to be harsh, it's just the way it is. If he isn't he'll either ignore it or tell you he's not into you.

 

Subtlety is not really my forte and when I think of women expressing interest in me it hasn't really been subtle either, so I can't really help you there. I suspect that someone else will be along shortly with some advice though.

[Mr.Mango]

Most guys would be flattered. It's not uncommon for people in opposite sex friendships to eventually develop feelings beyond friendship. Tons of people end up dating because after time they realized they really liked a friend. I'm not saying, pull a full 180 on him, just steadily increase your flirting in a natural way and see what happens.

[Issues & tissues]

Thank you both for your replies! Great advice!

 

I may try upping the flirting game a bit while at the same time avoiding coming on too strong or plain creepy! Not sure that is entirely possible though LOL but will definitely give it a go!

 

He's away until the end of the month so hopefully this will give us some space and give me some time to brush up on my flirting skills (in front of the mirror) LOL!