She wants a break but says she wants to get back together in the future

[idtnow1]

This is my first time posting to any forum so kind of weird. I have had a loving relationship for over 3 years with my ex girlfriend. We broke up 5 days ago. We have no broken up 2 times. Once last year around this time and this time now. The first time was my decision. I wasn't sure I loved her because I was having feelings for someone else. I broke it off and in a month realized that indeed she was the one. She was hesitant but in about a week we got back together. This year its my turn. She wants a break. She says she loves me and just wants time apart. We packed up her things and she left, in between packing we discussed things over and over again going around in circles, she kept saying she doesn't want this to be permanent. My insisting that it was probably permanent caused it to take 4 more hours to pack up her things, as if she didn't want to leave without giving me hope for an "us" in the future. The first three days I called her once a day. She turned down a one way plane ticket to live with her family on the other side of the continent. My friend who is dating one of her friends said she turned it down to work on our relationship. On the third night I wrote her an apology letter realizing the faults I caused in the relationship and that I can understand she wants a break. I told her it wan't a plea to get her back I just wanted to apologize for all the bad times I caused in the last 2 months. I truly love her and deep down I believe she truly loves me. If nothing else I just want her to be happy. If its not with me, its not with me. Better she's gone than staying with me but not loving me. I haven't talked to her for a day. She called me twice yesterday. The first times she's called in the 5 days. The conversations we had we're kept light and just kind of catching up on what's going on in our lives. I really hope she decides to come back but what I need to know is. How long should I go without calling and checking to see if she has come to a decision?

[Scott S]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're taking it relatively well now, though.

 

Calling her, and "checking to see if she has come to a decision" are two separate concepts. If she called twice yesterday for a light, how-are-you conversation, then I would wait until towards the end of the week before calling her, and with only another light, how-are-you conversation.

 

I assume that when she reaches a decision she will tell you. That may be a while, and by that I mean several weeks, possibly a couple months. Meanwhile, it would be advisable not to bring pressure on this issue, as it would likely only serve to push her further away. So for now, it appears you have a bit of a wait.

[lap21]

dude, break ups suck, as you will know. breaks are also bad, but more confusing. reasons why chicks want to go on breaks - to know for sure whether or not you are the guy for her. which you will understand since you have been through that feeling also.

 

my advice would be to leave her be for as long as possible.. you said it took you a month, it would probably take her just as long to make her decision. she needs time to miss you. but also, if you get back in contact too soon, she may decide to get back with you because it hurts so much to be apart at that stage you know? as opposed to really knowing you are who she wants.

 

it takes a while to get past the missing you because you have been such a huge part of her life, to the missing you because you are the one for her.

 

if you jump in too early, she may be making a decision on the wrong grounds.

 

i hope that makes sence.

 

goodluck

[head/heels]

work on you for now and how you can be the person she would love to have if you got back together...but do it bc you know that it is what you want to do for you and would only be a bonus if she notices it and likes it ....ie dont just change for her but bc you know you need to be a better person.....

GREAT ADVICE ABOVE...now work on you till she comes back....as long as there is no other man out there....she will be back to you ....it doesnt sound like she wants to leave for good...i hope she doesnt .....love her endlessly when she comes back...

[idtnow1]

Thanks for the opinions. That's precisely what I thought the answer would be. It just hurts so much. We've talked about the fact that we know we are each other's equals and belong to each other a thousand times and now out of the blue, if nothing else for now we're through. Something that gives me hope to that fact is we are people that can't stay with other people. She's the type that hates anyone she stays within a month. Every relationship she has ever had lasted less than three months. I know she's the one. I just want to be strong and its not easy. I understand the fact of bettering yourself to help out the rest of your life, but not just for her. I had already chosen to start meditating for that very same reason. I can be hard to deal with sometimes and give in to my temporary angers to quickly and voice my angers before I've had time to calm down. Its always caused a problem with us, not constantly or everyday. Just when we both know I've gotten mad at her for a stupid reason and reacted way too over the top. I've always used anger to my benefit. Years ago, if a girl broke up with me. Hate them with undying passion was the answer, and it would see me through. This time I can't use my anger. It hurts worse to try to hate this girl that I know doesn't deserve hate. She deserves all the love and compassion I have within me. Those are two words I'm not always associated with love and compassion. The meditation has helped free me from my anger, and separate me from feelings of hate. I plan to continue meditating for the rest of my life as long as it helps me deal with my anger. Hopefully I'll get the object of my affections back and I'll be able to control it with her.

[idtnow1]

I plan on keeping this thread as updated as possible. It helps to have other people out there willing to give their advice on the situation and since its possible you might want to know how it works out I'd like to keep you all posted. I don't like pity but empathy can be very healing. So I haven't called her since I posted. My friend that is dating her friend, that she is also leaving with right now, (man I hope that makes sense). Has been over there for the past two days. He came back this morning as I was getting in for work. We didn't get a chance to talk until we both got a few hours of sleep. Things seem to be working out with him and her friend quite well, and it also serves as a benefit in case he finds out and good news or bad news so I can know immediately. I don't ask him or tell him to go get info but he does it still the same. It really only comes out when we're talking and I tell him I'm not sure whether to hang on or just move on, and he gets a chance to give me his advice. My ex called today, rather than answer the phone I gave it to him. He had told me earlier that he was supposed to go back over there around 12:00. So I was relatively sure she was calling to see where he was. They had an extremely short conversation which ended in why don't you tell him. Turns out she wanted to say hi, but we ended up talking for 2 hours. Of course the conversation was pretty light. She seems unhappy but is putting on a brave face for me. She wants to come over and have dinner with me tonight and was the first to bring it up. When I probed a little bit on the subject of her wanting to come over tomorrow. She mentioned friends. Which stung... alot. But she also said "for now." She's basically giving signals both ways. I'm trying to be indifferent but it is so difficult, and worst of all I'm not sure how to act around her tonight. I don't want to pressure her into the subject but I have to wonder if its going to come up at all. Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it. It's just so hard teetering on the edge like this. The only real help was when I talked to my roomate about an hour ago and he said that over last 2 days she's talked about me constantly. Saying things like. "I wonder what dennis is doing?" or "I wonder if he's ok?". I feel like there's still hope for us but so much working against. What if she realizes she wants to be with me forever and tries just to realize it took so long I had to move on and feel like I can't go back. What if she realizes she just doesn't want to come back and is happier without me.(while it would hurt I wouldn't want her back in that case) What if she realizes and is too afraid to tell me. What if she wants to come back and I want her to but she is unable to compromise on some of the things that caused this breakup in the first place because it wasn't totally me. There are so many issues. When I think about it sometimes I just don't see it all working out for me how I'd like it. I hate being not sure.