ImMiserable Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Hi, As you can see, this is my first post here. Actually it's my first post at any board. I'm feeling miserable and I can really use some support. Please be kind. English is not my native language, so please excuse any grammar errors or wrong spellings. (I will do a spell check after I type) I am a MW and I had an affair for almost nine years. My OM and I were coworkers. Friendship turned into a PA. He was involved with another married woman when we started and their R ended after we started. He has been single. He is much older than me, 20 plus years. He was fighting depression when we first started, and he got better (two major depressions before I knew him). Five years into the R, he got depressed again and had a motocycle accident and was admitted into a hospital. He got better again. But for the last two to three years, he had several major depression episodes and in and out of hospital two to three times. At first, he said his depression had nothing to do with me. Then, he changed to it might has to do with our situation which is understandable. I am not leaving my husband even though it's a no physical contact, no emotional connection M. My OM knows that. We had tried to end it several times in the past, but not successful. The NC usually only lasted a few hours. One of us would break it. We knew it's because we were just so attached to each other. This April he suggested that we would only see each other once a week to see if we would be less attached. I agreed. But we were still emailing and texting and talking on the phone (at least one of these) everyday. Three weeks ago, when we were together, he told me that he started to see another woman who one of his relatives set him up with. He met with her and took her on a motocycle ride the second day. I was jealous, but I knew it was a good thing for him. So I told him that we should end. He didn't want to, he kept emailing and texting me. I think he didn't want to end with me because he only met her twice and wasn't sure if things would work out between them. A few days after that, he left town for a three-week-long vacation (planed long time ago). He wanted to put us on hold. We were still emailing each other. I was a mess, huge anxieties. He said he didn't know what to do. For the last few emails, I pressed him to tell me that he was going to continue with his new girlfriend(he is coming back next week, I was having huge anxieties thinking about it). I told him that I just needed my closure. He responded that he was uncertain, but I was forcing him to decide. So he told me that he was going to continue to see her. I know it's the right decision for all involved. I should be happy for him. I really love him. But I can't help but feel heartbroken. I have be doing all the things that might help my mental state: I started IC, running or swimming (one of the two everyday), yoga class in the gym, have an appointment with a psychiatist in three weeks (my counselor suggested, my last resort though), taking Xanax when I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown (only once). I had prepared for this day to come, but I'm still not equiped to handle it. I tried to de the spell check, but it didn't work. Sorry! Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 if i may ask, if your marriage is like you describe, why not divorce and pursue a relationship with this OM? i mean, 9 years is a looong time to just be "going through the motions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 if i may ask, if your marriage is like you describe, why not divorce and pursue a relationship with this OM? i mean, 9 years is a looong time to just be "going through the motions. because she had OM to supplement what was missing. she didn't have the need to leave the M. OP, view this as a positive thing for both yourself and OM. it is unfair for him to be second best for 9 years, and completely understandable that he wants a full relationship with someone. as for you, once the hurt subsides, you will gain clarity to look at your marriage and either fix it or leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 but the marriage isn't what she expected, hence the need to look "outside" the marriage. there is no affection according to her. why not move on with this man. he's single, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 but the marriage isn't what she expected, hence the need to look "outside" the marriage. there is no affection according to her. why not move on with this man. he's single, right? well, that's the question that most WSs can be asked i guess. yet, here we all are... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImMiserable Posted August 9, 2013 Author Share Posted August 9, 2013 if i may ask, if your marriage is like you describe, why not divorce and pursue a relationship with this OM? i mean, 9 years is a looong time to just be "going through the motions. I have been married for 18 years. You are absolutely right, that's long time to be going through the motions. A big motivation for me to marry my h was because I wanted to come to this country. He seemed to be a good guy (he is a good person, I was right about that). I thought that if you live with somebody, the love would follow. I was wrong. I made a huge mistake. Our ideas of what a M/love should be are so different (it's my observation, we never discussed). I feel it's my obligation to stay in M no matter what happens. There are other reasons: kid, finance, social pressure...I would say that it's 80% my fault that M is not working out. I am just not a good communicator. I was brought up in a family that we kids were not support to ask for anything. I just kept everything inside when I was not happy in the M. I know there was no excuse for me to have an A, but at that time, I felt that I was dying in an emotional desert. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImMiserable Posted August 9, 2013 Author Share Posted August 9, 2013 because she had OM to supplement what was missing. she didn't have the need to leave the M. OP, view this as a positive thing for both yourself and OM. it is unfair for him to be second best for 9 years, and completely understandable that he wants a full relationship with someone. as for you, once the hurt subsides, you will gain clarity to look at your marriage and either fix it or leave. Thank you Lillyfree for your reply! I agree that my needs were met because of OM, and my M became bearable. Link to post Share on other sites
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