Psychological, emotional, physical abuse from my mother, and an absent father

[I'msolostatthemoment]

I'm just here thinking about my life, and what a terrible state I am in, and how I have no idea how I can become a normal person again, or have a normal life like everyone else.

 

I went through a severe trauma with my employer for a number of years, which caused me an incredible amount of distress, which I am trying to get over, and deal with. However, it has left me as an absolutely broken person, unable to function, no interest in anything in life, severely depressed, very sick and ill, and my mind and my life locked in this hole I am trying to find a way out of.

 

The past few years of my life have been the most difficult of my life, and what occured in the past few years, really pushed me over the edge. Prior to this severe trauma, which has left me in such a destroyed state, I had to deal my childhood, my teenage years, the past few years, and with all of that was my mother and father.

 

Since I have been 2 or 3 years of age, my father has always worked abroad in a number of different countries. My mother stayed at home to work as well as to try and raise me and my siblings. My mother, to me has destroyed me and the person I should have been, and absolutely ruined my perspective in life, and how to deal with people, relationships, and life on a day to day basis.

 

When I was a child, from as far back as I can remember, my mother has always treated me terribly, and never showed me any love, never made me feel secure, no trust, no compassion, no consideration, no affection, and absolutely not one ounce of support. She is the same way to this day, and will never change in my opinion, but now I no longer live with her, which helps alot in ways, and in another ways, life is very difficult for me.

 

One of the first things I remember is when my younger sister was born. I am a few years older than her. My younger sister always manipulated me when I was a child, and provoked me into, and made me angry so I would get annoyed and shout at her, or push her over. My mother would then hear us shouting or fighting, and always took the side of my younger sister, even though it was my younger sister who always angered, and provoked me into fighting with her, or being angry with her. I never started any fights with my sister, it was always my younger sister who started the fights.

 

My mother would come in then, and used to slap me so hard, and sometimes with a stick, and used to hit me so hard. My sister never got hit or given out to, and to my mother, it was me who always caused the trouble. When I told my mother this many times, she never believed me, and always took the side of my sister. That went on for many years.

 

When I was a child, if I was bold, or didn't want to do something, or whatever it was, (Like any child would be would), my mother would always shout at me, slap me again with her hands, with a stick, and on many occasions she used a belt. When I was about 5 or 6, one night I remember I wet the bed, not on purpose at all, but the same way it would happen to any child. The sheets on my bed were all wet. I remember telling my mother. She went mad at me again, shouting at me, and that night, she made me sleep on the floor as a means of punishment for me.

 

I used to share a room with my older sister (Who I always got on well with). One evening, I put on the desk lamp at the nightstand which separated me and my sisters bed. It was one of those bendy lights, or desk lamps. I fell asleep for a while, and when I woke up, the top part of the clock radio we had, had melted from the heat of the light being on it. Again, I never put the light directly over the clock radio on purpose at all, I think it may have fallen itself. Anyways, my mother found out about it. She shouted at me saying "Look what you have done" or saying I could have burnt the house down, and was absolutely roaring at me. She slapped me as per usual, and used the sweeping brush to hit me with it. She also pulled my hair, which was really sore at the time. I told her, and shouted at her, that I didn't do anything wrong, she never listened to me, and for hours, kept shouting at me, and hitting me.

 

I think it was the following day, that she discovered that there was something wrong with the lamp, and the bendy part of it would no longer hold securely in its position. She came up to me, and said she was so sorry, so sorry etc. I was crying, and told her, how she never believed me. It didn't matter, because, in another few hours, she would always find something else to shout at me about.

 

I remember another time, we were visiting an old lady my mother knew. I was quite a quiet, shy child, and again was only 5 or 6, and when the old lady said hello to me, I gt very shy and just looked at her in a shy manner. My mother threatened me, and whispered in my ear "Wait till you get home". I was scared and afraid when she said that, but she would always threaten me like that if I was done something like being shy, or something any child would do. We got home, and as soon as she got in the door, she was roaring at me, slapped me again, and this time, she hit me so much with the brush that the stick on the brush broke from her hitting me. I remember her roaring at me "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY HELLO TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY SAY HELLO TO YOU, YOU LITTLE BRAT".

 

Then there was school. She pressured me and my siblings alot in school, but I found she always put more pressure on me. From a very young age, if I got some of my spellings wrong, or some of my maths wrong, I was shouted at and hit as per usual. I was bullied in school when I was a child for a year. I remember telling my mother, as I came home from school crying one day. She said I didn't have much time in school left, and to get on with it. The bullying went on for a year, and I was so upset, and felt so isolated, and insecure, and my mother never comforted me, or even tried to do anything about it. I was too scared to fight back in school. My father was at home for a while at the time, and I overheard my family talking about me. They were all laughing at me saying "Its no wonder people are picking at her in school.....and the way she is...." They were all laughing, and it really hurt. From then on, I tried to tell my mother, and my father as little as possible. I went through that by myself, and that was the start of the insecureness in myself, and feeling alone, and isolated.

 

In High School, there was even more pressure put on me with my studies. I always did well in school, but even when I did really well in my exams in school, and got top marks, there was not one word of well done, or a hug, or I'm proud of you. She always found the negative in the situation like "How come you didn;t get a higher mark in this exam", and no matter how well I did, it was never ever good enough for her. She would punish me then, but not allowing me out to see my friends, or go to the teenage disco. My anxiety, tension, isolation and insecurness were starting to live in me at this stage of my life. I remember being in school, and shaking in classes if I didn't get some of my maths right, or if I didn't get a good enough result in an exam, because I knew when I would get home I would get abuse, and she would punish me someway. She used to say, you will never pass that exam all the time to me, or you are going to fail your exams, or you stupid b*tch, or you're useless, and other abusive terms. I was then bullied for a while in High School, my friends wouldn't support me in trying to help me stand up against the girls who were horrible to me, and I couldn't say it to my mother, as she would say "Its not wonder they are laughing at you, and picking at you in school". I would only get emotional abuse from her, no trust, or comfort from her.

 

During my childhood and teenage years, sometimes my father was at home maybe for a few weeks, or 3 or 4 months. He was always working, and the only time I would talk to him was around the dinner table, where him and my mother did functional talk, like about bills, work etc. When I was fighting with my sister, or did something that was so wrong, both him and my mother used to beat me, and leave me in tears.

 

I got my SAT results, and did really well, and qualified for university with the high marks I got. The day I got the results, it wasn't good enough at all, and that day I felt so low in myself, cried, felt isolated, afraid, and alone. I had friends, but I felt I couldn;t talk to them about any of this. My mother ruined my prom, as the way I didn't look well enough. I played at our school mass that we had, and I played fine on the piano. I was relieved when it was over, as I was quite nervous, but when I met my mother, all she said was "We are so glad you didn't stop in the middle of playing".

 

I was so so happy to be leaving home, and off to university by myself, and getting away from her. I worked in the Summer to earn as much money as I could for university to try and pay my way, which was for about half the year, and the other half of the year my parents paid for it. When I say paid for it, my mother controlled my life. I remember one week at college, I had no money, and she gave me $20 to live on. Even though I no longer lived with her, she still controlled my life, and limited me if I wanted to go out with my friends, or whatever, which was very little as I never had any money.

 

I had to repeat some exams from university one Summer. I was living at home, working, and also studying for the repeat exams. I was doing the study as I was going along, but every single minute I was in the house, she would roar at me to study, and threatened me, if I didn't pass the exams, I would not be going back to college. She told my father over the phone (As he was working abroad) and he used to come on the phone to me roaring at me, and gave me abuse also saying the same thing she was saying. I told him I was studying as I was going along, but he wouldn't believe me. One of my friends from university came to visit me, and brought me additional notes for the repeat exams. Because he had a piercing in his ear, and his nose, mo mother didn't like him. That Summer, I was very ill with stress, anxiety, and living in constant fear of my mother constantly telling me I was going to fail my exams, every single day. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep properly, but was studying as best I could. Because I was so ill, my mother thought my friend had come to visit me to give me drugs, as I looked so pale and ill. She beat the hell out of me, and gave me terrible emotional and psychological abuse. I was terrified all the time. I doubled in my marks when I got my exam results, and told my father on the phone, and I said to him "You never believed me when I told you I was studying, you believed her, and gave me such abuse the past few months". My father felt bad, and said my mother was wrong to have been like that to me.

 

I had a relationship in college, but he broke up with me. I was now working, and independant from my mother, although whenever I spoke to her, I still got abuse from her, any detail of my life she could find anything wrong with. I was extremely upset with the break up, and took an overdose, and tried to kill myself. My father was at home on holidays at the time. I refused to tell either of them why I took the overdose. Me and my siblings begged our father to work in his own country, so we could get to know our father, as none of us really knew him. He stayed at worked at home for a few years, and only in the past few years I have got to know my father, and have got very close to him. His work finished, and he lived at home with my mother for almost 2 years. He was extremely upset, and depressed at home living with her, and said she was so inconsiderate, and unsupportive, so negative, and just a nightmare. I told him, I had to grow up living with her, and he understood how difficult it must have been for me. At one stage, he was almost going to leave her, as he couldn't take her anymore. He got work, moved abroad again, and has been there since. I think he is happier being away from her. I am, and thats for sure.

 

I went through an extremely traumatic battle with my former employer for the past few years. I have an illness, and because I am sick from time to time, my employer tried to force me out of my job, by using mental torture, psychological, and humiliating work for me to do, and absolutely unfair treatment. I said, for once in my life, this is wrong, and I am going to fight back, and not be treated badly. I took them to the Supreme Court in America, and they settled out of court. It was the most traumatic time in my entire life. I was in and out of hospital with work related stress, and illness. I suffered 3 nervous breakdowns, and felt very suicidal at one point. My father was very supportive to me. My mother kept saying I must have caused the trouble at work, and it was all my fault, when it wasn't. Even when I won, she said I didn't get enough damages, or my lawyer was not good enough, anything to upset me. During the past few years, it was absolute hell, and I didn't get one ounce of support from my mother, only abuse.

 

I am currently trying to recover from that experience, and trying to deal with all the upset I have had in my life, so I needed to vent. I am also asking for your comments, and support on how I can become a normal person, and overcome all the damage my mother has caused me, and a father that was never present in my life.

 

I'm so very sorry this post is so long. It has helped to write it all out though.

[amaysngrace]

I think you should make an appointment with a psychotherapist who deals with early childhood abuse.

 

Your local women's shelter may be able to help you find a qualified one.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

I think you should make an appointment with a psychotherapist who deals with early childhood abuse.

 

Your local women's shelter may be able to help you find a qualified one.

 

Thank you so very much for reading my post, I'm sorry it was so long. I'm currently seeing a counsellor, but I feel that I need more help, as at present, I cannot get out of bed, and function like a normal person at all. There is severe upset, and trauma in me. My counsellor helps, but I will absolutely take your advice on board and see a psychotherapist for childhood abuse, so I can get some serious help with all of this.

 

Thank you so very much. Would anyone else have anymore suggestions or comments? I really need some support at the moment, and need to deal with all of this head on, so I can try and become a normal human being.

[amaysngrace]

You're very welcome.

 

Dealing with early abuse sucks. If I were you I would severely limit the amount of times that you interact with your mom because it sounds like she triggers a lot of the bad feelings that you have about yourself.

 

You don't always need to answer the phone or even call her back if you don't want to. It sounds like she makes you feel real bad about yourself anyway.

 

Congratulations on winning your lawsuit!!

[I'msolostatthemoment]

You're very welcome.

 

Dealing with early abuse sucks. If I were you I would severely limit the amount of times that you interact with your mom because it sounds like she triggers a lot of the bad feelings that you have about yourself.

 

You don't always need to answer the phone or even call her back if you don't want to. It sounds like she makes you feel real bad about yourself anyway.

 

Congratulations on winning your lawsuit!!

 

Anytime she calls me, even when I see her name come up on my phone, anger immediately soars in me, and I know when she speaks to me on the phone, she will not ask how I am, if I am alright, or is there anything she can do. I don't think she has ever said anything like that to me in my life.

 

See I have never really had a mother, and never had a father growing up. All I got was a very unhappy childhood that has moulded me into an abnormal person (And the hell I went through over the past few years, effected me considerably).

 

I would answer the phone to her, but have as little contact with her as possible. When she does call, all she talks about is the weather. I have absolutely no relationship with her at all.

 

My emotions about her, and what I suffered with her are huge. The worst thing is though, I have never had a mother, and all my life to this day I still pray that someday she might turn around and be a mother to me, because at the moment I need her so much. There is a constant emptiness, isolation and insecurity that permanently lives in me, and I think its because my mother is not, and has never been there for me. How could I overcome that?

[amaysngrace]

That's sad that she isn't a better mom to you but in all honesty you should realize that she is lacking in that role. I know that you probably yearn for that loving, nurturing relationship that a mother is suppose to provide but she is not capable of having one of those, obviously.

 

To keep hoping for that is a sure way to feel rejected by her every time she doesn't give you what you need from her. Then you just become victimized again by her because the pain you experienced as a young child is still so raw.

 

If I were you I'd ignore her for a while until you become stronger in your head.

[I'msolostatthemoment]

That's sad that she isn't a better mom to you but in all honesty you should realize that she is lacking in that role. I know that you probably yearn for that loving, nurturing relationship that a mother is suppose to provide but she is not capable of having one of those, obviously.

 

To keep hoping for that is a sure way to feel rejected by her every time she doesn't give you what you need from her. Then you just become victimized again by her because the pain you experienced as a young child is still so raw.

 

If I were you I'd ignore her for a while until you become stronger in your head.

 

Yes, she has rejected me all my life, and my father was never there when I was growing up, so I never had that security, comfort, and love from anyone in my life, and I think that's why I'm so insecure, isolated, and feel alone all the time in my life now, even when I'm with my friends or whatever, that empty hole permanently lives there, and its an awful horrible feeling to be living with all the time, and causes me internal stress and upset, which I also live with all the time.

 

I am trying to face all of this at the moment, and have just looked up psychotherapists who could help me, so thanks for your advice. I need some serious serious help with all of this, so I can become a normal girl!

 

I'm avoiding her as much as I can at the moment, as I am trying to get better, and try and get a life, and be normal. I just hope I can deal with all of this, get the help I really need, and be happy for once in my life

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with it? Did you become healed with the help you got from therapists etc, and be a normal happy person?

[amaysngrace]

Define normal

 

Therapy is a really good start to help you get to where you need to be. People heal all the time from abuse. It takes work and it's not always easy, in fact sometimes it downright sucks, but it's necessary if you want a shot at putting it all behind you.

 

And yes...it's possible to have a happy healthy life once you're healed.

[Radu]

One of the first things I remember is when my younger sister was born. I am a few years older than her. My younger sister always manipulated me when I was a child, and provoked me into, and made me angry so I would get annoyed and shout at her, or push her over. My mother would then hear us shouting or fighting, and always took the side of my younger sister, even though it was my younger sister who always angered, and provoked me into fighting with her, or being angry with her. I never started any fights with my sister, it was always my younger sister who started the fights.

 

My mother would come in then, and used to slap me so hard, and sometimes with a stick, and used to hit me so hard. My sister never got hit or given out to, and to my mother, it was me who always caused the trouble. When I told my mother this many times, she never believed me, and always took the side of my sister. That went on for many years.

 

When I was a child, if I was bold, or didn't want to do something, or whatever it was, (Like any child would be would), my mother would always shout at me, slap me again with her hands, with a stick, and on many occasions she used a belt. When I was about 5 or 6, one night I remember I wet the bed, not on purpose at all, but the same way it would happen to any child. The sheets on my bed were all wet. I remember telling my mother. She went mad at me again, shouting at me, and that night, she made me sleep on the floor as a means of punishment for me.

 

This is exactly like my experience.

Not with my mom though.

 

When i was 5 and my sis was 3, my grandpa offered to take us in, instead of going to kindergarten, the way he made it be, it was basically a command to my dad [who always tried to be the peacemaker in my family].

My sis being the only granddaughter/niece got preferential treatment and she soon learned that if she screamed, i'd get creamed.

 

Got beaten for just about everything, and his reason was that 'he saw something bad in me, and wanted to 'fix' me'.

It was so bad that when i got biten by a dog [3 times in 2yrs], i ran away from home for fear of being beaten.

I was found by a neighbour, because i left a blood trail, he found me in the hills behind the house.

I knew about rabies, i knew i could get them [never got took for rabies shots], but i was more afraid of what he would do.

Off-c my parents were never told of this, only told that i was 'expensive' to keep, even though they had requested i would be there and they could easily afford it.

Anytime i tried to create something, i would get a serious put down of some sort.

 

After about 1yr or so my dad found a lot of bruises on me, and he had a chat with my grandpa, some threats were made ... after that the abuse was purely psychological.

 

I went in at 5 a joyfull kid [described by many ... including my doctor], and i came out a filthy [quite literally], angry, individual who hated his sister.

 

Like you, my parents never believed fully what he was doing there, minimized it, my sister was too young to remember it, and when i got to school at 7yrs, they found a teacher who got results ... that continued the psychological and physical abuse.

I think they only believed me when i was in 3rd grade, and knowing i had just 1yr left with her, left me in that class ... with the same kids that untill i left for HS 5yrs later continued what the teacher had started.

 

I only experienced for a few yrs what you went through your entire life, so i only got a taste of what you went through ... very bitter taste though.

 

So don't take this to be, harsh ... but what's done is done.

I know that when you read this, your anger will swell up, as it did with me when i heard it from my own family to 'get over it'.

Forgive for yourself, find a way to forgive ... because it is the only way you will ever get rid of the anger.

Become numb to these ppl, to their future 'plight'.

I'm not asking you to forget, we both know that will never happen but if you do not find a way to forgive [for whatever reason you can rationalize], you will end up allowing their memories to do even more harm to you.

 

For me, getting it all out in the open, writing [here on LS] about it, discussing it with others and trying to 'humanize' the abusers has worked.

By 'humanizing' i am referring to understanding and accepting that they themselves were the victims of this very abuse, but when they grew up they could have improved [like you are trying now], fixed themselves instead of becoming abusers themselves.

 

PS: Hugs.

 

PPS: My relationship with my sister is better now.

And she was affected badly too, grandpa unfortunately become too much of a male rolemodel to her.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Radu

[Radu]

Yes, she has rejected me all my life, and my father was never there when I was growing up, so I never had that security, comfort, and love from anyone in my life, and I think that's why I'm so insecure, isolated, and feel alone all the time in my life now, even when I'm with my friends or whatever, that empty hole permanently lives there, and its an awful horrible feeling to be living with all the time, and causes me internal stress and upset, which I also live with all the time.

 

I am trying to face all of this at the moment, and have just looked up psychotherapists who could help me, so thanks for your advice. I need some serious serious help with all of this, so I can become a normal girl!

On me it had another effect, it shattered my self-esteem, made me believe i was a dumbass and i had to prove that by failing more or less.

Only in the last few yrs, my self-esteem got improved to the point where i believe i can achieve something.

 

 

I'm avoiding her as much as I can at the moment, as I am trying to get better, and try and get a life, and be normal. I just hope I can deal with all of this, get the help I really need, and be happy for once in my life

Success is mostly a function of determination, if you want it strongly enough, you will get it.

You will never be normal though.

 

As it turns out, my mom also had an abusive mother and a passive father [not to say enabler].

She solved her issues a long time ago [by moving far away and literally marrying into another family, not coming home that much].

You can forgive, you can move on ... but you will never forget.

 

It's like the nails that are stuck in a massive wooden door.

You can pull them out, but you will always have the marks, and even if you fix it, you will always know they are there.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you deal with it? Did you become healed with the help you got from therapists etc, and be a normal happy person?

Therapists have a bad reputation here, ppl think you're nuts if you go to one ... not to mention the expense.

Just writing in this forum, reading ... putting my attention in other things, trying to figure out why they did what they did ...

[I'msolostatthemoment]

This is exactly like my experience.

Not with my mom though.

 

When i was 5 and my sis was 3, my grandpa offered to take us in, instead of going to kindergarten, the way he made it be, it was basically a command to my dad [who always tried to be the peacemaker in my family].

My sis being the only granddaughter/niece got preferential treatment and she soon learned that if she screamed, i'd get creamed.

 

Got beaten for just about everything, and his reason was that 'he saw something bad in me, and wanted to 'fix' me'.

It was so bad that when i got biten by a dog [3 times in 2yrs], i ran away from home for fear of being beaten.

I was found by a neighbour, because i left a blood trail, he found me in the hills behind the house.

I knew about rabies, i knew i could get them [never got took for rabies shots], but i was more afraid of what he would do.

Off-c my parents were never told of this, only told that i was 'expensive' to keep, even though they had requested i would be there and they could easily afford it.

Anytime i tried to create something, i would get a serious put down of some sort.

 

After about 1yr or so my dad found a lot of bruises on me, and he had a chat with my grandpa, some threats were made ... after that the abuse was purely psychological.

 

I went in at 5 a joyfull kid [described by many ... including my doctor], and i came out a filthy [quite literally], angry, individual who hated his sister.

 

Like you, my parents never believed fully what he was doing there, minimized it, my sister was too young to remember it, and when i got to school at 7yrs, they found a teacher who got results ... that continued the psychological and physical abuse.

I think they only believed me when i was in 3rd grade, and knowing i had just 1yr left with her, left me in that class ... with the same kids that untill i left for HS 5yrs later continued what the teacher had started.

 

I only experienced for a few yrs what you went through your entire life, so i only got a taste of what you went through ... very bitter taste though.

 

So don't take this to be, harsh ... but what's done is done.

I know that when you read this, your anger will swell up, as it did with me when i heard it from my own family to 'get over it'.

Forgive for yourself, find a way to forgive ... because it is the only way you will ever get rid of the anger.

Become numb to these ppl, to their future 'plight'.

I'm not asking you to forget, we both know that will never happen but if you do not find a way to forgive [for whatever reason you can rationalize], you will end up allowing their memories to do even more harm to you.

 

For me, getting it all out in the open, writing [here on LS] about it, discussing it with others and trying to 'humanize' the abusers has worked.

By 'humanizing' i am referring to understanding and accepting that they themselves were the victims of this very abuse, but when they grew up they could have improved [like you are trying now], fixed themselves instead of becoming abusers themselves.

 

PS: Hugs.

 

PPS: My relationship with my sister is better now.

And she was affected badly too, grandpa unfortunately become too much of a male rolemodel to her.

 

I am a really good person, and I don't have a bad bone in my body, and have alot of respect for people. I have never in my life been intentionally horrible to anyone (Only words I said to my mother when I had many arguments with her, but I apologised to her most of the time, as I said them in anger).

 

I really want to get better, heal, have a life, and be a normal person so much. But if I were to have a child now, I would be so good to the child, and there is absolutely no way I would ever abuse a child, or provide a child with a terrible upbringing, because I don't understand how someone could do that to another person, let alone their own daughter? I have a cat, and I love her so much, and anything she wants or needs I give it to her, and I take great care of her. It would be the same if I ever had a child. Its just not in me to treat another person really badly, or upset someone, I've never been like that.

 

Even my mother, I can't ignore her, or not take her calls, because deep down I still love her, I just wish she could be a mother to me, and take care of me at the moment, as I'm very ill at present, but she doesn't care at all, and I don't think she ever will. That's what I have to try and overcome, and with the help of this forum I hope I can talk to people who have gone through a similar experience, how they coped, and how they recovered from it, and built a new life for themselves. My life has been hard, and some days, I feel so down in myself, and really don't care at all, but inside me there is a sensible girl, who is saying, no you don't deserve to be like this, go and get some help, you deserve to be happy. That's what I want more than anything in my life, I hope with your help, and the help I am, and will get that I can achieve that.

[freestyle]

I hate to say it--but I think the only way you can begin your healing journey is by having a very long period of NC (no contact) with your mother.

 

If you're in the line of fire, you're going to keep getting injured.

And it will keep adding up & up. The cumulative effect is keep wearing you down, it's already affecting you physically.

 

If you don't feel like you're ready to try NC---please consider setting up some boundaries to protect your spirit and your peace of mind. If you don't live with her, and you're not dependent on her--start by limiting the phone calls.

 

 

The minute she starts putting you down--end the phone call.

 

"someone's at the door, gotta go, bye..." click.

 

"My pasta's going to overcook, gotta go...." click.

 

"I've got a business call on the other line, gotta go, bye...." click.

 

The more you start to protect yourself, the more self-esteem you will regain.

 

 

The sad truth is that some of us really got dealt crappy hands, when it came to our parents. And we essentially have to learn to parent ourselves,

and give ourselves the love that we should have been shown as children, but weren't.

 

Here's a visualization that may help you---imagine yourself as that small child you once were. Imagine taking that child by the hand, and bringing her into your lap, putting your arms around her protectively, and surrounding her with your love.

 

I went through some experiences that were similar to yours,so my heart goes out to you. I wish I could post more tonight, but it's late in my time zone......

 

Please check back here--- there are some other helpful resources I can share with you, to help you on the road to healing.

[Radu]

I am a really good person, and I don't have a bad bone in my body, and have alot of respect for people. I have never in my life been intentionally horrible to anyone (Only words I said to my mother when I had many arguments with her, but I apologised to her most of the time, as I said them in anger).

 

I really want to get better, heal, have a life, and be a normal person so much. But if I were to have a child now, I would be so good to the child, and there is absolutely no way I would ever abuse a child, or provide a child with a terrible upbringing, because I don't understand how someone could do that to another person, let alone their own daughter? I have a cat, and I love her so much, and anything she wants or needs I give it to her, and I take great care of her. It would be the same if I ever had a child. Its just not in me to treat another person really badly, or upset someone, I've never been like that.

Be careful you don't fall in the opposite, where you become a doormat to your child.

I'm not a parent, but i had pets and have been reading on the subject of parenting [i seriously considering never having kids since i consider this to be my family's curse ... and don't want to send it down the line].

You can't be too nice to ppl either.

If you are too nice, they will walk all over you.

 

You have to be nice, fair, and have solid boundaries.

 

Even my mother, I can't ignore her, or not take her calls, because deep down I still love her, I just wish she could be a mother to me, and take care of me at the moment, as I'm very ill at present, but she doesn't care at all, and I don't think she ever will. That's what I have to try and overcome, and with the help of this forum I hope I can talk to people who have gone through a similar experience, how they coped, and how they recovered from it, and built a new life for themselves. My life has been hard, and some days, I feel so down in myself, and really don't care at all, but inside me there is a sensible girl, who is saying, no you don't deserve to be like this, go and get some help, you deserve to be happy. That's what I want more than anything in my life, I hope with your help, and the help I am, and will get that I can achieve that.

Your therapist might have told you this, but going NC might help you out [if you are independant and can afford it].

What your father did was to go NC, so NC in fact that he moved abroad.

 

She will never apologize for what she did, and even if you get her to do that, it will be half-assed.

On the other hand, if you get her to talk about her own parents, i think you will find many similarities there.