BaffledbyIT Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I have been reading these threads trying to find a similar situation, but I am growing more depressed and confused and can really use some insight. We have been married 8 years together 10. My husband has left me 3 times. I am now 36 he is 40 1.) He left me and cleaned out apartment while I was on a bridal shower cruise. He changed the bank account's and passwords. This was 2 years into our marriage. I was devestated and I was young. We were sperated for 1 year. I did all the classic pleading and begging him to come back. Finally when I gave up and was ready to move on because I had my own apartment and job he came back. I let him. This is his second marriage and my first. He has an ex-wife and 2 kids and another girl he got pregnant so he has 3 kids. We had many fights about his ex-wife. She would use the kids against him and she still treated him like they were married. He kind of kept her around and on the back burner even though she cheated on him and left him for her boyfriend on my H 30 bday. He always was able to talk to her. 2.) Second time he left was 5 years later. Last year I had a mini break down about not having kids (he has been fixed) of my own and instead of H being their for my emotional needs he withdrew and started having an emotional affair with his exwife who now lives in another state and he was telling his kids that he was going to move to be closer to them eventhough we weren't seperated. I was totally done at that point, but he begged and pleaded and cried and promised me that he loves me blah blah. I took him back. 3.) 5 months later he leaves me again. Via text while I am at work. Tells me that he can not continue to be married to me and he cleaned out all his stuff when I got home from work. Now he wants back again. Telling me he made a mistake and he loves me and hes going to counseling. Yet he hasn't made any appointments... I do not want to be divorced. But I am not convenced that I want to remain married. I quit my job because they wouldn't work around my school schedule. H was suppose to work 2 jobs to carry us through 2 years because I have been supporting us this whole time and half of his money comes out for child support. I am living with family now. Do I want to take him back for a fourth time so that he can leave me again. I want him to change but is he able to. I am realizing this is long. Please help me I am conflicted. I have a therapy session scheduled myself for Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 9, 2013 Share Posted August 9, 2013 I am sorry for your heartbreak. Three strikes and he's OUT for good. This is what I heard you say - 1. You want children, and he cannot give them to you. 2. He has already done this three times and you know he will do it again. Those two reasons alone are enough for you to run, not walk, to the nearest exit. Do not look back. Look forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BaffledbyIT Posted August 10, 2013 Author Share Posted August 10, 2013 You are right. Reading it makes it more and more clear that eventhough I do not want a divorce I can not remain married to him. Thank you for helping me see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 I am so very sorry. I wish I could give any form of advice but...all I really think is...if it happened once...twice..three times..do you trust it won't happen a fourth? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 I believe I would be looking at this last time as the final "get out of jail for free" card on my heart. He obviously does not respect you as his wife or even respect his marriage. I bet he had the same issues with the first wife and even the other woman he got pregnant....respectable, caring and loving men (Good Men) do not treat women like they are yo-yo's. Hopefully the therapy you have scheduled will help you to look at why you would even consider to continue to be treated like this. This is poor treatment and I bet you've even been told by your family and friends that you deserve better. No, people do not change but if I were a man with 3 kids paying child support, I guess I would want to keep my meal ticket to help me pay for them on the back burner too and need her back when things get tight again. That would be you hun....you are the "meal ticket" the extra income. The sooner you see this, the sooner you will be able to resist his wanting to come back. At 36, you are still young enough to have children. Time to move on and find a good man that wants the same things you do in life. It's better to be divorced and starting over than continue to live in a marriage where someone plays your heart like it's a yo-yo. Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 10, 2013 Share Posted August 10, 2013 Hey Baffled, It's a terrible feeling to be where you are right now.It stinks and we all really do wish we could wave a magic wand and give you relief,we can't.It will take some time and some pain. Now the good news,you can do it.You can do it light years faster than most of us as a matter of fact. 1.You are 36! Wow,36 is a spring chicken and you are only now about to hit your stride in life. 2.You have no kids with this fella.That's actually a great thing.You can have kids with someone who loves you now! 3.You have no huge amounts of property to fight and argue over in court for years. 4.You have found L/S earlier than most people do and you will have a head start because of that alone! 5.You have family that are helping you out . You will soon see things clearer than you do right now.Just take this advise-GO- No Contact Now! GO-180's NOW! Unless you are leaving something out of your story,you have no obligation to this "relationship" at all. You have no reason to feel guilt in this. You have nothing to fear at all! You have a future in front of you and a past behind you that is exactly that,behind you.Good riddance to this joker.Let him run back to the woman that hated him before.They deserve each other. My STBXWW (1 year Wayward Wife from an 18 yr Marriage) did the same....third time -she is no longer allowed to enjoy my wonderful company any longer.I know it's harsh to take a wonderful man like me out of her life like that,but I had to do it when she pulled this thing the third time. It's gonna be tough for you to just take yourself and all of that lovin' away from this weasel and force him to find some lose like my STBXWW to fight with all the time....but you have no choice I can send him my STBXWW's number and they can make each other miserable today. Bottom line........... You deserve better. Have a great day REVITUP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BaffledbyIT Posted August 11, 2013 Author Share Posted August 11, 2013 Revitup, I did read your story. I would be more than happy to pass along your STBXWW number to my STBXWH. I haven't left anything out of the story other than I was just feeling like a huge failure marrying a man who used me so badly since I typically excel at everything else. And my father did the same thing to my mom for 18 years before he picked up and left her for good. I guess I'm reliving that. I am afraid. Itsnhard to have invested so much of my life into someone and just have them take it so easily. Should I tell him I want the divorce or just go full NC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BaffledbyIT Posted August 11, 2013 Author Share Posted August 11, 2013 You 're right misadventure! Thank you. Trippi, Thank you. I have felt like I was being taken advantage of with finances. Yo yo is the perfect symbol for my emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 Just a man here Let's get this straight, if your husband meets someone else who will take him in and tolerate his nonsense, he'll be gone again. Truth is you're a soft touch. He has basically destroyed you emotionally and even financially, not once but three times. Some women wouldn't even come close to tolerating it once but he's done it three times but he knows he can beg and plead for an extended time and you'll let him back in. Marriage should be about commitment. Yet every time he has shown he was willing to cut and run and leave you high and dry without any remorse..sorry that's wrong, he shows remorse when the situation doesn't work out and he's forced to grovel back. Why sleep on a park bench when you have a house to go to? Be it man or woman, no one deserved to be treated like that. From what I see only one person is invested in this relationship, and the very fact that divorce is not an option means this man will carry on being immature and irresponsible. Surely at 36, you are still young with a bright future ahead, and with that right someone, kids. I wish you luck with whatever decision you make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BaffledbyIT Posted August 11, 2013 Author Share Posted August 11, 2013 Darren, you are right. I was trying to make a future with imagination. I am really thankful to all your replies because reading my situation makes the reality clear. He is not the life I want. I do want to be married, but not to him. Thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 Baffled,You,myself and many others here have done the same thing.We thought we were in a relationship with the same rules as our partners.We were taken but it's really more than that.We agreed to be used.Our partners could not take what we didn't give them.You now have the option of taking back your power and sending him down the road. To answer your question as to how you should handle it today,I say go NC AND file the divorce papers asap.There is no future with a taker and that is what some of us have chosen-takers.We thought we could change them and we changed instead,for the worse.We became weaker because of their behaviors and their emotionally draining behaviors towards us. You are only 36 years old.Your "investment" in this loser is minimal compared to staying involved with him.So far you have lost only your past,if you stay,you will waste your future which would be the real loss. Saying no to this dysfunctional relationship is actually saying YES to your future.You will do better no matter who you choose over this slacker. We will be here when you need us.We will all celebrate your new relationships and your improved self esteem as you move ahead in a better life. REVITUP 3 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 Darren, you are right. I was trying to make a future with imagination. I am really thankful to all your replies because reading my situation makes the reality clear. He is not the life I want. I do want to be married, but not to him. Thank you! I was very happy to read this! You will be happy one day with someone out there who will appreciate and care for you the way you will appreciate and care for him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 11, 2013 Share Posted August 11, 2013 This is the clearest case for a divorce I have EVER seen on Loveshack. You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by divorcing. Some women who are as lonely and mistreated as you may end up staying for financial reasons, but the fact is, your H doesn't even bring anything to the table financially. Instead he takes! Yecch! Your standard of living, health, and peace of mind will be drastically improved by ending this empty marriage. There will be a rough patch to get through of course - blowback from him and your own adjustment phase. Just stay strong and look to the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Baffled, I am jealous of your future! Congrats REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
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