Either a big deal or nothing at all?

[Ki11a_FTW]

I have been with this girl for 3 years now, and she is a great person, beautiful too. However I'm starting to get tired of all the crap that goes along with it.

 

Heres some facts about her before I start my story:

-She tells me she loves me every day and every time we get off the phone.

-She cries her eyes out when we get into fights.

-She gets real mad easily if the same thing comes up multiple times or if I bother her about something.

-We began dating when she was 16 and I was 17. She is now 19 and I am almost 21.

-She will lie to me about the littlest things to make sure I don't get mad or leave her, which has been the real problem lately

-She is on medication, 3 different kinds and never takes them at the right time.

-She has a MAJOR anxiety problem and has a hard time making new friends. The problem is so bad that she had to become home schooled.

 

I recently made the decision to move in with her at the end of june. Her parents were moving to louisiana and I could either continue the relationship or I could give up. I decided I wanted to keep going and move in with her.

 

She has this kid she dated when she was like 14, and has been a problem up to date. He goes around telling my friends and her brother how he wants too "**** her" and all this nasty stuff. He just got out of jail for pot and heroine possession in july. He has no car, no job, etc, hes my age.

 

So lets fast forward 1 year into the relationship. The relationship went really down hill and too the point where we coulden't even see our own friends without fighting. I avoided all contact with women like she wanted me to do, and if she was gonna be that way i expected her to do the same, and I thought she was. Now I have made some mistakes in this period like calling up my ex GF and texting her for like a day that my current GF found out at the time and flipped about it.

 

So lets fast forward a month before the move. We see this kid she used to talk too is back in town when we drive past him. She tells me he is nothing to her, etc. We pass him and she gets a text message. I was gonna ask to see if it was him when we got inside and when I did she claims "It wasn't him! blah blah blah". Till I finally get the truth out of her when she goes home. She says that he texted her "haha" and didn't know why he did that. She deleted his text in the bathroom when we got home because she said she was afraid how I would react and that it would cause a huge fight.

 

So at that point I knew there had to be more, so I made up something and was like "well lets go to the AT&T place and if you have nothing to hide you'll be fine with it". She then admits that he has been texting her and somehow got her number. So I kept it cool until I saw her, and then I lost it because I thought she cheated. At this time I was working at a liquor store and didn't see her at all like 3 or 4 days out of the week. But she normally always texted me, and I always called her when I got home and she would tell me her day. She begs "I would never cheat on anyone! you know I'm not that kind of girl I didn't even hang out with him." She was crying historically and it happened for the next 3 days, her apologizing and saying she feels like crap for answering his texts. She said he would always tell her to break up with me and to go hangout with her, in which she would reply that she is busy or wouldn't answer (she claims).

 

So after all the tears and watching her fall apart, I thought that it was time to believe her. So it really bugged me that she lied but I got over it, and decided to give her a shot. My mom and her mom always say "she's young and immature blah blah, she would never cheat on you"

 

She told me she was getting her phone number changed, all this stuff, and she did.

 

So fast forward to living in louisiana. I've been behaving kind of rude, I haven't been trying to pay attention to her or wake up at a decent time, so she is always really lonely and bored all morning she says. After the whole thing with that kid I told her I would be checking her phone. I saw a conversation with her best friend saying "when i come back to jersey you should tell your boyfriend to bring us to the beach and bring a friend;)". I immediatly show her and she says "It was a joke! you know I'm not that kind of girl, blah blah". At this point I was really fed up and almost left her. I told her she couldn't talk to that girl anymore, (and this is her only friend as far as I know). She was so afraid I was gonna leave her she grabs her anxiety pills and tells me shes gonna go hurt herself. I ask her why she would do that and she replies " I keep messing up and I hate myself for it".

 

So she went back to jersey August 2nd and gets back on the 8th (today). The day before she left she was showing me some picture and I saw she had instagram. I was like "Oh I didn't know you had instagram, you'd flip if I had facebook or any social media". So she deleted it.

 

I ask her to login on my computer so I can see her page and she flips out saying I should believe her and all this stuff. That she forgot her password but she told me her screen name.

 

So when she left, I did some research and got onto her best friends profile. To learn she told me the wrong screen name (the one she had told me is one she had 7 months ago). So I called her up and asked her about it, and she was like "You just freak me out so bad when you think I'm doing something wrong, you scare the **** out of me, I swear on my life, I promise I'm not hiding anything".

 

I proceeded to tell her, all this stuff makes me feel like you're up to no good, like you have been talking to someone else or been with someone else. I told her it is really bad to react like that for everything, she acts like that with her parents and everyone else when asked something she doesn't like.

 

She was like " I love you so much, I need you I could never do anything like that to you, its making me choked up that you would even think that". So I believed her again, well I let it go.

 

Then the other night I start thinking about that kid again. I hack into her e-mail to see she has been activating her facebook for 2 minutes, then deactivating. This happened like 3 times once each day. So I went on her facebook (changing both her facebook password and email in the process). I see no harm when I'm on it. I see one message to her friend nicole asking to hangout while she is in jersey. And then I see that kids name in the message logs. So I click it. She has been talking to him during that point our relationship got really low. A lot. He would message her when we broke up on facebook, and she would answer and they would talk about stupid crap. She didn't disrespect me at all towards him, there are even messages on there towards him saying "I love Rich to death" and stuff like that. There are messages saying "I can see you being my friend, it sucks I can't see my guy friends I don't get along with girls, I think about you all the time and really miss having you as a friend". She would message him multiple times if he didn't answer. And he said something like "Yeah like you even loved me when we were together", and the she is like "you were my first love, my first kiss, I loved you and you made me laugh, I can see you being someone I want to be around as a friend.

 

I had no idea she was talking to him then, and there were countless times during then when I would act like a dick, break up with her over something, then we would get back together that night. I did it a lot like an idiot, I lost my temper a lot, and eventually learned to stop because I wanted the relationship to keep going. One of the last conversations with him is her complaining to him that I was at this bonfire with a bunch of girls (which was actually all guys), etc. We deactivated our facebooks a few days after that, because I found out she has been checking mine because she remembered my e-mail and password. She had mentioned to me before like 6 months into the relationship that she missed being friends with him, where I kinda just shrugged it off because I still had tons of friends that were girls then.

 

I mentioned all of this to her in the morning over a text, she called me like 17 times and texted me 4 times saying how much she loves me and wants to be with me and that nothing went on between them. She says she doesn't know why she went to him, she says she gets in these moods where she just doesn't realize what is wrong.

 

Her mom says she is just really bored and I need to pay more attention to her. (Like get up at a normal time and be the first to hold her hand and stuff like that). I told her I was going to do that.

 

To this day she claims nothing bad was on instagram besides this guy Chris annoying her on her pictures. She said she would have showed me if I asked before she deleted it.

 

 

I'm here for some others advice. My mom and dad say these things aren't that big of a deal, and that she didn't cheat. Her mom says she would never cheat on me. This kid apparently means nothing to her and she gets upset when I mention him because she really wants nothing to do with him. We have grown a ****-ton since that down point in our relationship. I told her I would draw a line, and put all that stuff behind it since it happened so long ago, and since I have no proof that she was actually doing something physically or mentally hinting that she did/wanted to do anything with him.

[reardear]

It's obvious she's very immature and it's evident she isn't respecting you. She keeps lying to you man. Be wary of the "I love you so much" spiels. You also obviously can't trust her when you keep catching her lying. Do you want to continue to catch her lying and talking to guys behind your back while you're "banned" from talking to girls?

[Ki11a_FTW]

She just graduated from beauty school, shes gonna finish up school here in Louisiana to get her license. She's not completely anti social.

 

I apologize for the wall of text. I am stuck here living with her and her parents in Louisiana and breaking up and moving out wouldn't be the easiest thing.

I already told her if she wanted to make it up that we would have to build a new foundation here, and she's been begging she has nothing to hide and I should stay and that she's changed. Does it really seem like that big of a mistake?

[PegNosePete]

You don't trust her.

She doesn't trust you.

Why are you in a relationship with this woman?

It's a train wreck dude. Bail.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Mr.DudeFace and the rest. Even though it was a little harsh, those statements have some merit.

 

You two do not trust each other. If she told you that she was going to a party without you, I guarantee you would have 10 different cheating scenario's going through your head. You two forbid each other from having any sort of social media. And even when you did hack into whatever she had at the time. You saw the first thing that she wrote and that she loves you. The FIRST thing without your knowledge that you would view that.....

 

If you don't have trust, then you don't have a relationship. And because of that, you two are walking around each other on eggshells.

 

If you're going to try and salvage this relationship, then I strongly recommend that you two get into couples counseling to GET A HANDLE ON YOUR JEALOUSY ISSUES!!

[Darren Steez]

My friend. Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild once broken. It requires honesty and most probably a complete change of attitude from both parties and alot of work.

[Ki11a_FTW]

update:

 

so basically I decided to give it another shot, because we actually had a civil conversation when she returned from our hometown. I wasn't in anyway completely dedicated and relying on the relationship in anyway still though. Just keeping an eye open.

 

So recently she has been getting very angry that I stay up late and wake up late. (I work on my portfolio at night, and its when I can focus best.)

I do not do it on purpose but the fact she wants to spend 14 hours a day with me does not thrill me so i kept doing my own thing.

 

I tried explaining to her that we need some time apart each other and that spending that much time together will ruin the relationship.

 

The other day she got so mad she told me to leave (for those who don't know we moved from NJ to la). So i called my mom to tell her I'm coming back home because i can't deal with the drama anymore.

 

She is very unhappy and thinks I don't care, etc etc. Yesterday she tells me to stay, today she tells me to go, she has no freedom, blah blah blah.

 

So then I sign on to Facebook to see she is posting pictures in her bikini ( a very exposing one too). She lied and lied until I pulled it up on my computer and showed. Not only that, her and that previous kid she used to talk to are talking again on picture comments. This is also a brand new Facebook she made and one of the first people she goes to is him.

 

So I left her. I avoid her, stay away from her, until my ride comes in a few days.

 

feels like a relief however something feels off.

she's been trying to talk to me but I completely ignore her and she hates it.

 

I think she needs time to make friends, get a job and grow up.

wasted so much money, time and effort moving here. Which I told her previously and yet still disrespects me and lies to the 100 degree when she doesn't get what she wants.

 

 

So thanks to this, I will be spending another crap ton of money to get home, when I could've saved myself thousands of dollars by just not coming if she hadn't lied and manipulated her way through the relationship.

[LonelyInsomniac]

I don't think any of the current comments are appreciating the number it does on you to be with a chronic liar.

 

You've been desperate to make things work. You and she drafted up a Sanity Contract, meant to reduce anxiety in your relationship. It even went to some pretty damn rough extremes - that you both agreed to.

 

Problem is, you're the only one who's been held to those terms. And they weren't even realistic terms. You've been double-duped, and you're pissed for it.

 

Yes, you got controlling - because every time you tried to make things work, she sabotaged it. And she's the victim because of her "anxiety" of getting caught? NO ONE likes getting caught doing wrong! The difference is that most people realize that the way to not get caught doing wrong is not to do it in the first place. And if she can't meet her own standards? It's not you that needs adjustment.

 

She's irresponsible, immature, and she's taken you for a painfully long ride.

 

While I'm glad you've finally come to see your way out of this mess, you've got my condolences for all you've lost in the process. This is going to **** with you long after the move.

 

I'd really recommend therapy. You deserve to finally get to have someone hear what you've got to say - and after all you've been through, it may well feel like that can't exist.