how do you get people to listen to you?

[bubbles]

when i was growing up i was always told to shut up we don't want to hear what you have to say, shut up were trying to watch t.v. shut up i can't hear her/him, shut up cause all you do is lie anyway, blah, blah, blah...........

 

well needless to say i have developed a poor self image when i open my mouth. i can't seem to get people to listen to me, or keep them interested in what i am saying.

 

they seem to be bored, uninterested, or impatient when i am trying to either tell a story about something that happened, i'm horrible with jokes, or explaining something i get tongue tied.

 

i always feel that what i have to say is not worth listening to anyway, so i think i must mumble quite a bit and maybe at times that has something to do with it.

 

but for the most part, it seems that people just don't care what i have to say, no matter how important or how trival. so how does one go about getting people to listen to them?

 

i am finally tired of being ignored and called sensitive for feeling hurt when i feel that someone important to me doesnt care to listen, i.e. boyfriend, daughter, etc.

 

i know i am sensitive but am i wrong for feeling hurt and frustrated when especially my b'f seems to be off in space when i try to talk to him?

 

i told him numerous times that i want communication with him, he tries but soon goes back to his old ways. we have been arguing about this for a few days now.

 

i have been trying to tell him how i feel, but i keep digging myself in deeper and deeper and coming up with things from my past as to why i am so sensitive but he just seems to be getting mader and mader and i'm getting more frustrated trying to tell him how i feel.

 

all i want is some acknowledgement that i exist when i try to talk to him, that is all i want and he just don't get it! what can i do? am i being unreasonable, if so i'll back off the subject with him and let it go. thank you!

[Dragonflys]

Hi Bubbles

 

Yeah, I know how you feel. I was there. It is definately something I am working on daily, and there is no easy solution. But I have had success.

 

I think (from experience) that there are two important elements that make people more comfortable talking to you

 

(1) having a non judgemental tone

 

(2) knowledge

 

(1) Don't get me wrong, I don't believe you are judgemental, I am not judgemental. Yet what I know is that in the past when I had conversations it came across that way. People just don't want to deal. The reason we came across as judgemental is that we had expectation of others. You need to take away that expectation. Approach every conversation with the state of mind that you don't care what comes out of it (unless it is serious), have no plan for where it goes, have no need for any particular response. You will look more relaxed and open to explore conversation, and by default become a better listener. People want to be listened to as much as they want to hear you talk.

 

(2) If you feel that you lack knowledge about particular things (especially those commonly talked about), find out what they are and if they interest you then spend some time reading and learning so you will have more to say. Don't try and learn anything that does not interest you, rather find friends that are interested in the same things you are.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

Don't blame other people for this problem. It is YOU who hangs around these rude people. It is YOU who does not insist that your thoughts be considered.

 

Until you start cleaning up your life and deleting people from it who do not show you the respect you deserve, you can only blame this problem on YOURSELF. The world is full of rude, classless and insensitive people. Our only defense is to keep them out of our lives and surround ourselves with those people who will give due consideration to our thoughts and feelings.

 

So when you are looking for someone to blame here, look in the mirror.

[Dragonflys]

Tony makes a good point here...which I didn't emphasis enough in my post.

 

You will need to delete some people out of you life, as I did. Don't waste your energy on people who have different interests than you and get annoyed with you because you do not satisfy THEIR needs.

 

Finding the right people makes it all easier

[Quandary]

It seems like you do a fine job of expressing yourself in writing.

 

Why don't you spend some time writing down exactly how you feel and make all the necessary changes until it is perfect, then imagine that you have an audience and practice reading it so that the person int he very back of the audience can hear you.

 

Once you have that down cold, read it to your boyfriend. As for handling the situation long term I can't offer any suggestions. It's a matter of looking someone dead in the eye and not moving your eyes off theirs no matter what and getting your point across. Don't mummble (I am not judgemental, but I do loose interest in what someone is saying if I have to fill in all the points that I miss or have to keep asking them what they said) You don't have to yell you just have to deliver your communication. Practice that.

 

Don't worry about the jokes just yet practice delivering your communication, and you have to keep in mind that what you say IS important.

[Quandary]

Do you have an e-mail address I can e-mail you some information to??

 

If so please let me know. I think I know just the thing for you.

[W.Girl]

Hi Bubbles,

 

I have the same problem. People don't always listen to me or take me seriously. Even if I tell someone what I am feeling and if something bothers me it goes in one ear and

 

out the other. Nothing changes.

 

I am not good at expressing my feelings in person. Sometimes it is hard enough to bring up difficult subjects. When I finally do, I feel better about it. I think the situation may change and it doesn't. I am even more angry than before because I told the person how I felt.

 

I tell the same person the same thing over and over again.

 

It is really frustrating. I am thinking to myself I told them the same thing three times already.

 

Sometimes I hold back and I don't say what I want to say. I got used to doing it within my family. It is a hard thing to change after you get into a pattern for so many years.

 

It is a learned pattern. My family was rather dysfunctional. I am guessing yours was too.

 

I chuckled when you mentioned the part about shutting up

 

to hear the tv because my father used to do that all the

 

time.

when i was growing up i was always told to shut up we don't want to hear what you have to say, shut up were trying to watch t.v. shut up i can't hear her/him, shut up cause all you do is lie anyway, blah, blah, blah........... well needless to say i have developed a poor self image when i open my mouth. i can't seem to get people to listen to me, or keep them interested in what i am saying. they seem to be bored, uninterested, or impatient when i am trying to either tell a story about something that happened, i'm horrible with jokes, or explaining something i get tongue tied. i always feel that what i have to say is not worth listening to anyway, so i think i must mumble quite a bit and maybe at times that has something to do with it. but for the most part, it seems that people just don't care what i have to say, no matter how important or how trival. so how does one go about getting people to listen to them? i am finally tired of being ignored and called sensitive for feeling hurt when i feel that someone important to me doesnt care to listen, i.e. boyfriend, daughter, etc. i know i am sensitive but am i wrong for feeling hurt and frustrated when especially my b'f seems to be off in space when i try to talk to him? i told him numerous times that i want communication with him, he tries but soon goes back to his old ways. we have been arguing about this for a few days now. i have been trying to tell him how i feel, but i keep digging myself in deeper and deeper and coming up with things from my past as to why i am so sensitive but he just seems to be getting mader and mader and i'm getting more frustrated trying to tell him how i feel. all i want is some acknowledgement that i exist when i try to talk to him, that is all i want and he just don't get it! what can i do? am i being unreasonable, if so i'll back off the subject with him and let it go. thank you!

[bubbles]

quandry you can email me at <e-mail address removed> i am interested in what else you have to add.......thanx......sorry it took so long to respond back but i moved and have not been on-line for a few days now.....but i'm baaaaack!

It seems like you do a fine job of expressing yourself in writing. Why don't you spend some time writing down exactly how you feel and make all the necessary changes until it is perfect, then imagine that you have an audience and practice reading it so that the person int he very back of the audience can hear you. Once you have that down cold, read it to your boyfriend. As for handling the situation long term I can't offer any suggestions. It's a matter of looking someone dead in the eye and not moving your eyes off theirs no matter what and getting your point across. Don't mummble (I am not judgemental, but I do loose interest in what someone is saying if I have to fill in all the points that I miss or have to keep asking them what they said) You don't have to yell you just have to deliver your communication. Practice that. Don't worry about the jokes just yet practice delivering your communication, and you have to keep in mind that what you say IS important.