everything is my fault

[GreySkyMorning]

Every time something went wrong, it was my fault for over reacting or not treating him right or talking badly to him or whatever. He would say that I didn't know how to talk to people right without being hateful. He doesn't love me anymore because of MY actions. I screwed everything up.

 

Whenever we had a fight and would "break up", he'd always point out that he was just the latest in my long string of men that I ran off and mistreated. That I would never have a real relationship with anyone because I couldn't treat people right.

 

What if he's right? Logically, I know he's full of it. I hold two college degrees, have multiple letters from previous patients and colleagues thanking me for my caring concerned actions, have a best friend of many years that thinks I'm awesome, have coworkers now that cant understand why anyone would say that about me, etc. I said something offhanded to a classmate once about me being socially awkward and not very friendly and she about took my head off for saying it. Said she didnt know where that was coming from but it was definitely not true. Relationshipwise, I certainly don't have a long string of broken hearted men behind me. I've only been in three serious relationships my entire life. One of those is mm, one is my ex husband of 14 years who I actually have a very decent relationship with today, and the other was a teenage love thing. It's true that I keep men at a distance now. I did for a long time after my divorce because I didn't want to go through all that again. I didn't trust anyone. I had only just started opening back up to the possibility of finding someone when I met up with mm. So where is this string of cast aside men?

 

I know now that I have no confidence in myself to have a relationship anymore. I can't imagine putting myself in a position to ever hurt like this again. Ever. I think my capacity for trusting has been obliterated this time. So what if he's right?

[Balzac]

Anecdotal evidence is not reliable. HaHa. The family, close friends and neighbors of serial killers frequently tell of how likeable and normal the killer was.

[GreySkyMorning]

Anecdotal evidence is not reliable. HaHa. The family, close friends and neighbors of serial killers frequently tell of how likeable and normal the killer was.

 

Gee thanks. Thats comforting to know.

[Balzac]

My point is why do you give him any shred of credibility about you???

What's that about?

[GreySkyMorning]

My point is why do you give him any shred of credibility about you???

What's that about?

 

It's about a self esteem thing. When he said I was amazing and wonderful, I believed him. When he said the opposite, I still believed him. I trusted him to tell me the truth. Which one was he lying about? I obviously don't have much success at keeping a relationship. I'm sitting here single and alone at 43 yrs old.

[Balzac]

He's accurate on both. He's the self appointed judge and jury.

Of course it's a self esteem issue. He's definitely telling you the truth. You're asking the wrong question.

[Spotme]

I joke around that my eight year old makes everything my fault (well, she does try, I just call her on it every time and point out her responsibility in each situation). So perhaps it should give you some perspective that a supposedly mature man behaves like an eight year old. My kid does it because she is emotionally immature and is still learning how to deal with feeling bad about something, why does MM do it? I'm guessing emotional health and maturity are not his strong suit. This is pure emotional manipulation on his part, as is his hot and cold/loving and hateful assessment of you. I would stop looking to him for any kind of truth if I were you and look inside yourself instead. (Also, see Pierre re external validation, because you just told us you looked to everyone around you to confirm or deny MM's extremely self-serving assessment of you.)

 

I would also suggest that "keeping" a relationship is not all on you. It is always on both people. Perhaps there's a legitimate question for you to examine, though, in why you chose this relationship that was always likely to not evolve in any kind of satisfying way (I don't know your story, I apologize for that).

[Goodbye]

I suspect he is just looking to place blame to get rid of his own guilt. My exMM would do stuff like that and I'd remind him that it was kind of hard for the relationship to work out as long as he was MARRIED.

[fanine]

I always got the blame for everything if it went 'wrong' by my xMM. If he upset me in any way by his behaviour and I tried to pull him up on it he would immediately just ignore me. I could never discuss why I might be peeved if he suddenly cancelled on me at the last minute, or did not return my calls or text messages. Even if I was just asking him a question??

 

I always got blamed for 'ruining things.' if I got upset I was ruining what we had. He took no responsibility for his actions. I would end up finding myself apologising somehow or writing ridiculous text messages like 'are we meeting later? it isnt a problem if we are not, I know you have lots to do' I was so damn apologetic...

 

It is pure and simple blame shifting. My xMM just wanted everything to be his way. He could never see that actually if I wanted it to continue then maybe he shouldn't do these type of things! It was ultimately the ignoring, the silent treatment, the emotional bullying that drove me away...

 

When I look back I cannot believe how I let him get away with these things. I am 44 and now single. I met this guy after a bit of a gap from dating, I had been through a divorce and thought I was ready to get out there again.

 

It has dented my confidence and my trust. He made out he was separated when we met. I would not have got involved if I had known that at the start. I have learnt a tough lesson - but I know it was not me at fault. And you are not at fault too. It is these men. We have hearts and dont abuse people - and you will one day find someone - and most importantly find inner peace x

[Quiet Storm]

He has an agenda. He uses compliments and put downs as a manipulation tactic. It's working because you are giving his comments consideration. View them as manipulation and it will be easier to let go. Look at it like "why is the opinion of a cheater/liar/ manipulator important to me?"

[ladydesigner]

He has an agenda. He uses compliments and put downs as a manipulation tactic. It's working because you are giving his comments consideration. View them as manipulation and it will be easier to let go. Look at it like "why is the opinion of a cheater/liar/ manipulator important to me?"

 

What a great mantra! This works for both OW/OM, BS's, or anyone who is with someone who is personality disordered.

[MissBee]

Every time something went wrong, it was my fault for over reacting or not treating him right or talking badly to him or whatever. He would say that I didn't know how to talk to people right without being hateful. He doesn't love me anymore because of MY actions. I screwed everything up.

 

Whenever we had a fight and would "break up", he'd always point out that he was just the latest in my long string of men that I ran off and mistreated. That I would never have a real relationship with anyone because I couldn't treat people right.

 

What if he's right? Logically, I know he's full of it. I hold two college degrees, have multiple letters from previous patients and colleagues thanking me for my caring concerned actions, have a best friend of many years that thinks I'm awesome, have coworkers now that cant understand why anyone would say that about me, etc. I said something offhanded to a classmate once about me being socially awkward and not very friendly and she about took my head off for saying it. Said she didnt know where that was coming from but it was definitely not true. Relationshipwise, I certainly don't have a long string of broken hearted men behind me. I've only been in three serious relationships my entire life. One of those is mm, one is my ex husband of 14 years who I actually have a very decent relationship with today, and the other was a teenage love thing. It's true that I keep men at a distance now. I did for a long time after my divorce because I didn't want to go through all that again. I didn't trust anyone. I had only just started opening back up to the possibility of finding someone when I met up with mm. So where is this string of cast aside men?

 

I know now that I have no confidence in myself to have a relationship anymore. I can't imagine putting myself in a position to ever hurt like this again. Ever. I think my capacity for trusting has been obliterated this time. So what if he's right?

 

This makes me so angry, because I know men like this, and it is like an emotional gaslighting/emotional manipulation, where even though you KNOW they're wrong, the oh so convincingly make it seem as though they are in fact blame-free and you're the one who did or didn't do something and that's why things didn't work.

 

DON'T buy into it! I think sometimes in an attempt to protect ourselves from hurt, we do the opposite. I think sometimes we choose people who are completely emotionally unavailable for a real relationship, like married people, and it's a subconscious way of not being all in so you won't give everything and be hurt...but you get hurt anyway.

 

Trusting yourself is the hardest part, in my own experience. Frankly, a MM was absolutely not the one you should have let your walls down to trust. And yes some will say not every MM is a liar blah blah...yea okay, that may be so, but for someone who is afraid of being hurt or used, 9/10 times a MM, even unintentionally, will bring your worst fears into reality, simply by the nature of the situation. MM is a POS for trying to make it all your fault. It's not, and he's scum for acting like it is. Guys like this often have ZERO intention of making good on their lofty proclamations, but when it doesn't pan out, they cannot admit it was because it never was going to or they dropped the ball, but they flip it and make you into the bad little child who misbehaved and forced them to punish you by withholding what they promised. DON'T BUY IT!

 

He's shyt..and you need more time to heal, reflect on how and why you trusted him, and what flags you ignored, and in time you'll be able to get your confidence back in dating.

Edited August 9, 2013 by MissBee

[Pierre]

It's about a self esteem thing. When he said I was amazing and wonderful, I believed him. When he said the opposite, I still believed him. I trusted him to tell me the truth. Which one was he lying about? I obviously don't have much success at keeping a relationship. I'm sitting here single and alone at 43 yrs old.

 

Despite all your academic success you still seek external validation. There goes that phrase again, but that is what you are implying with your words.

 

As long as external validation is your quest you will not make sound decisions and may actually choose very poorly when it comes to men.

 

I am becoming painfully aware that it is very difficult to overcome low self esteem. It seems people either have it or not.

 

I suggest you do not place your worth on the opinion of others.

 

Make sure your inner self matches your other self. Be truthful at all times.

 

MAke sure your word means something. Do not participate in dubious activities.

 

Never take anything at a personal level. Most of the time it will not be about you.

[waytogo]

Every time something went wrong, it was my fault for over reacting or not treating him right or talking badly to him or whatever. He would say that I didn't know how to talk to people right without being hateful. He doesn't love me anymore because of MY actions. I screwed everything up.

 

Whenever we had a fight and would "break up", he'd always point out that he was just the latest in my long string of men that I ran off and mistreated. That I would never have a real relationship with anyone because I couldn't treat people right.

 

What if he's right? Logically, I know he's full of it. I hold two college degrees, have multiple letters from previous patients and colleagues thanking me for my caring concerned actions, have a best friend of many years that thinks I'm awesome, have coworkers now that cant understand why anyone would say that about me, etc. I said something offhanded to a classmate once about me being socially awkward and not very friendly and she about took my head off for saying it. Said she didnt know where that was coming from but it was definitely not true. Relationshipwise, I certainly don't have a long string of broken hearted men behind me. I've only been in three serious relationships my entire life. One of those is mm, one is my ex husband of 14 years who I actually have a very decent relationship with today, and the other was a teenage love thing. It's true that I keep men at a distance now. I did for a long time after my divorce because I didn't want to go through all that again. I didn't trust anyone. I had only just started opening back up to the possibility of finding someone when I met up with mm. So where is this string of cast aside men?

 

I know now that I have no confidence in myself to have a relationship anymore. I can't imagine putting myself in a position to ever hurt like this again. Ever. I think my capacity for trusting has been obliterated this time. So what if he's right?

 

 

Grey ((())). You already know he is not right. 14 yr marriage in itself is a big deal. Being on good terms with XH is also a big deal.

 

This man wanted you when and how it was conveinent for him. You have self-worth enough you spoke up for yourself. This was irritating for the selfish person who only wanted you to mold completely for his part time attention to you.

 

You are out of it now. Take the nice things people with no alterier motives, say to you as what's worth listening to and believing. I hope you will be open to a good unselfish man who shows you his interest.

[fanine]

Despite all your academic success you still seek external validation. There goes that phrase again, but that is what you are implying with your words.

 

As long as external validation is your quest you will not make sound decisions and may actually choose very poorly when it comes to men.

 

I am becoming painfully aware that it is very difficult to overcome low self esteem. It seems people either have it or not.

 

I suggest you do not place your worth on the opinion of others.

 

Make sure your inner self matches your other self. Be truthful at all times.

 

MAke sure your word means something. Do not participate in dubious activities.

 

Never take anything at a personal level. Most of the time it will not be about you.

 

I agree with this. Thank you Pierre. I feel very much like the OP and our MM sound remarkably similar in the way they act.

 

I have been insecure all my life when it comes to me as a person. I am a successful professional in my work life with a job many would envy. I am affirmative and strong at work and will not take **** from anyone. I look great for my age, 44, people always think I'm about ten years younger. I have many friends and no enemies I can think of. Even a while back at work I was mentioning to one of my old friends about MM - thou of course said he was my boyfriend - and my friend said I hope he realises how lucky he is to have you...

 

Yet, yet I allowed myself to become a doormat to a man worth a quarter I am. Someone always in debt, with endless problems, who would emotionally bully me. I know I let him get away with this as well....it was like a drug, an addiction. When he was being good to me I was on such a high. I would let him get away with being a **** just for that.

 

I am slowly realising we both have - very different - issues. I did not lie like he did, but I need to understand why I put up with his behaviour. As my friend said, he's not exactly a catch. I so craved affection I would fall back into his arms, because it was any affection. I am also the kind of person who likes to help people. This is a good trait I think but also one I have to be wary people do not take advantage of.

 

And definitely I should not place my worth on the opinion of others