Women need to stop overstating the importance of a guy's personality.

[Nyla]

Women on this site try to make it seem like personality trumps all. They usually support their statement by saying, "I was went out with a guy who wasn't good-looking at all, but I was drawn to his magnetic personality." (Nevermind the fact that the other 5 guys they've dated were each good-looking.) Women here are giving guys false hope. What happens is that guys think, "Oh, this is great news. I'm gonna work on my social skills, my humor, my confidence. Can't wait to see how much better I do with women." And then they'll come back here more jaded after seeing that their new-and-improved personality isn't helping them get women, that the women are continuing to go after good-looking (or rich) guys who are not personable at all. I'm sorry, but personality is overrated. Most guys who notice they got a lot of attention with women after becoming more confident and social are guys who were good-looking to begin with and just needed to get over their shyness. It is, quite frankly, insulting to tell a guy who's bad with women that he needs to improve his personality, especially since a lot of guys have great personalities that get them very far in life outside the dating world

 

I agree with this because of my own experience.

 

I once dated two different men who I didn't find attractive physically at all. One was better looking than the other one, but still not that good looking in my eyes. The other was hideous and he had an obnoxious and rude personality to go with it. In both relationships, I was drawn to different aspects of their personalities. Sadly, that was not enough to change the fact that I did not want to be affectionate or sexual with either of these men, which caused frustration and exasperation on both sides.

 

Personality is important but so are looks. Men who have unattractive features can sometimes get those corrected or play up the positives, just as women can.

[PlumPrincess]

Well, for argument's sake, the study is saying that most women found those guys "as significantly less attractive than so-called “medium”"...

 

But if one was to check out that article again and scroll up and down and compare the dudes on the bottom of the page who are supposedly perceived by most of the OkCupid females online as significantly less attractive than the "so-called medium", the individual third person may look at the young male/female examples shown and decide that there is no real difference in the general level of physical attractiveness between the two groups.

 

Because there isn't.. There are people that look like all of those examples getting together and having ONS and relationships and whatever they may please.. I don't believe that the average woman finds the average male grossly unattractive or below average..

 

Maybe women just get big heads when they online date, as it favors females? Too many choices leading to hesitation and doubt? There we go, an all-too-common dating theme discussed regularly online from LS to the river Nile..

Well, online dating did not make me feel better about myself. The one thing I got from it is a feeling of contempt for most men.

[GravityMan]

The overwhelming majority of straight men will have dated and had at least one girlfriend (i.e. an actual relationship) by their mid-20s. I suspect 80-85% of men. That clearly includes a lot of men who are out of shape, or have balding hair, or are short, or have a bit of a douchey personality, or are a bit shy, or are nerdy dudes into videogames, or are average Joes with a $35K/yr 9-5 job and a used cheap car. I could go on and on.

 

It is not that hard for most guys to find someone to date, although it's true that finding a good match may be a challenge. "Average" and "below average" looking guys may not have dozens of women throwing themselves at them left and right like a very good-looking and fit guy might (especially if the latter is confident and good at making others feeling comfortable), but so what? It's not like women will avoid so-called "average" guys like the plague. That's ludicrous. Different women are physically attracted to different looks and personalities. Get off the computer, get out your house and into public, and look around you.

 

If a guy's truly unable to attract any woman at all, then unless he looks like Gollum or smells like sewage it's likely not because of his looks or physical presentation. And it's likely not because of his personality either...I agree with the earlier comment that a compatible personality matters more than a good personality, and the chances of his personality being incompatible with everyone is near zero. His lack of attraction is probably due to poor self-esteem, being unable to make others feel comfortable, and/or him just not putting himself out there.

[ScreamingTrees]

His lack of attraction is probably due to poor self-esteem, being unable to make others feel comfortable, and/or him just not putting himself out there.

 

I'd say that at this point, my issue is the last one, and that isn't going to change until my finances do.. Possibly the second-to-last one to a certain degree that I'm unsure of, but I might just be over analyzing.

 

Used to be the first one. But then I realized there were a large number of much uglier guys who thought that their **** didn't stink, so why not adopt a more positive (yet realistic/humble) attitude?

 

And now I sort of see the difference when you're a bit more bold. Then again, according to some of the dudes here, I'm probably only getting favorable responses because I was good looking all along.

[travelonic]

The reality is if you're single, there's a reason. It's usually biological. Meaning, your genes are just not meant to reproduce.

 

Wait, run that one by me again.

 

Maybe it's the way this was phrased, but something feels really weird about this statement. Heh. Rather it be clarified than I wrongly assume something is being said when it isn't.

[NYC-BigKat]

Women on this site try to make it seem like personality trumps all. They usually support their statement by saying, "I was went out with a guy who wasn't good-looking at all, but I was drawn to his magnetic personality." (Nevermind the fact that the other 5 guys they've dated were each good-looking.) Women here are giving guys false hope. What happens is that guys think, "Oh, this is great news. I'm gonna work on my social skills, my humor, my confidence. Can't wait to see how much better I do with women." And then they'll come back here more jaded after seeing that their new-and-improved personality isn't helping them get women, that the women are continuing to go after good-looking (or rich) guys who are not personable at all. I'm sorry, but personality is overrated. Most guys who notice they got a lot of attention with women after becoming more confident and social are guys who were good-looking to begin with and just needed to get over their shyness. It is, quite frankly, insulting to tell a guy who's bad with women that he needs to improve his personality, especially since a lot of guys have great personalities that get them very far in life outside the dating world

 

This is so so true! I used to be very shy around girls in high school & then I broke out of it in college & started to make moves & start convo and the girls never cared u know. Then some of my friends would say when I make lot more money they will like me so I gotta good job now & still nothing . So then they say I need to lose some weight which I did but still nothing & then they say be nice to them & it's still not working so yea the looks is important to girls more.

[MomsSpaghetti]

And now I sort of see the difference when you're a bit more bold. Then again, according to some of the dudes here, I'm probably only getting favorable responses because I was good looking all along.

 

Yep, that's my contention.

 

If you're a good-looking guy who is not very confident with women, then yea, you're not going to have a great number of successes (in absolute terms) because you don't even try much. Once you become confident and start trying, you'll have more success. Technically, your increase in success is due to your increase in confidence, but the fact that it's even possible for you to enjoy great success is because you're sexually attractive. It would be virtually impossible for an ugly guy (short being a type of ugly) to equal your success even if he asked out 100 women per day. And any success the ugly has isn't because women are sexually attracted to him, which is kinda sad. Women will go out with and marry a guy they're not sexually attracted to, provided he has something else to offer them. Some might view that as a positive thing, but I think it's sad.

[fortyninethousand322]

Wait, run that one by me again.

 

Maybe it's the way this was phrased, but something feels really weird about this statement. Heh. Rather it be clarified than I wrongly assume something is being said when it isn't.

 

Human beings are meant to reproduce. But the most useful genes are the ones that generally get preserved. The least useful go away.

 

Evolutionary biology suggests that men and women will seek out (subconsciously perhaps) the best possible genes for reproduction.

 

Meaning, some people will be left out.

 

I'm not sure what part is confusing.

[fortyninethousand322]

Any guy who would EVER spend significant time on the Internet whining about how unfair the dating world is, and how it's the fault of women, is by default extremely unattractive.

 

Well, I think you might have the causation reversed. A unattractive man (physically or otherwise) is going to spend time on the internet complaining about how unfair the world is.

 

He was unattractive before he was posting on the internet. The posting didn't make him unattractive...

[Simon Phoenix]

Human beings are meant to reproduce. But the most useful genes are the ones that generally get preserved. The least useful go away.

 

Evolutionary biology suggests that men and women will seek out (subconsciously perhaps) the best possible genes for reproduction.

 

Meaning, some people will be left out.

 

I'm not sure what part is confusing.

 

The movie Idiocracy must annoy the hell out of you I'm guessing.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Yep, that's my contention.

 

If you're a good-looking guy who is not very confident with women, then yea, you're not going to have a great number of successes (in absolute terms) because you don't even try much. Once you become confident and start trying, you'll have more success. Technically, your increase in success is due to your increase in confidence, but the fact that it's even possible for you to enjoy great success is because you're sexually attractive. It would be virtually impossible for an ugly guy (short being a type of ugly) to equal your success even if he asked out 100 women per day. And any success the ugly has isn't because women are sexually attracted to him, which is kinda sad. Women will go out with and marry a guy they're not sexually attracted to, provided he has something else to offer them. Some might view that as a positive thing, but I think it's sad.

 

This is true for dating, not so sure about marriage.

 

If you are short or ugly, women will commonly say things to their friends like "He's short/ugly, but really funny". So it's basically something that you have to overcome constantly. If you're going through a tough time in life and lose your humor a bit, don't expect the girl to stay around. They will move on to bigger and better if given the chance.

 

I've dated/been friends with many women. Unfortunately, they don't differ much in this regard (no matter what they say or how nice to you they are at the beginning).

[MissBee]

So every woman is dating some hot hunk and all ugly guyss are huddled on an island alone typing on LS?

 

Look: attraction is relative. Every woman doesn't have the same taste. My girlfriends for example, I have only ever thought one of their boyfriends was someone I'd date myself, based on his personality. He was just a funny and charming guy and the conversations we all had together, I liked his thinking. He was also attractive. However, the rest of my friends their bfs were people I had no attraction to, even though they were good-looking, some of them, and some of them to me were not that attractive, but the friend dating them felt they were.

 

Countless women date men who are no hunks or not conventionally attractive...happens everyday actually. I see more men with women who are more conventionally attractive than they are than the opposite. Many women are attracted to how they feel with a man over how he looks, and personality and other elements of emotional connection contribute to that.

 

Attraction is not just one thing...but a range of things and it differs among people. Getting a better personality won't help you attract all women...but it goes a long way. If you're conventionally attractive, yes people will probably gravitate towards you a lot easier, but on here people make it seem like the ONLY men in the world who have wives, gfs, kids, and live their lives are hot hunks and that men who are not in that category live a celibate life on Ugly Island. Ugly men and plain men and women also marry and have relationships and sex and yes even with people who are conventionally more attractive than they are...so I guess seeing that daily, I have no sympathy for the LS epidemic and constant biitcching about this kind of thing.

[ScreamingTrees]

Well, I think you might have the causation reversed. A unattractive man (physically or otherwise) is going to spend time on the internet complaining about how unfair the world is.

 

He was unattractive before he was posting on the internet. The posting didn't make him unattractive...

 

Meh, somehow I disagree. Internet browsing/trolling/posting certainly isn't helping anyone's case.

[Revolver]

How are 80% of men below average looking that doesnt even make any sense:laugh:

 

Which means most women arent actually attracted in a lustful way to their husbands unless hes extremely good looking, they just get married because of pressure to have a family

 

This is why I never really understood the argument of

 

"Well most men are in relationships anyway"

 

I mean what does that even mean? How do you know if they or the girl theyre with even happy with each other? You know how many men are going home to woman who isn't even turned on by him but is only with him for the financial or relationship security he provides? How is that really supposed to be a good thing?

 

That's why I've always wanted a clarification on how exactly we are defining "success" in dating. Because to me, I don't believe the majority of guys are "successful" when it comes to dating and relationships(especially guys under 30) If I'm a guy and I'm dating a girl that I'm not all that into but I'm with her because that's the best I can do, I can't consider myself a success even tho I do technically have a girlfriend

Edited August 12, 2013 by Revolver

[Roadkill007]

If I'm a guy and I'm dating a girl that I'm not all that into but I'm with her because that's the best I can do, I can't consider myself a success even tho I do technically have a girlfriend

 

^ this is just wrong. People should never have to be in a relationship with someone they're not into at ALL. What's the point? You might as well just live alone and spend your time with friends and your hobbies, eh? It's just wrong to use someone else as an ego booster like that. You can consider success when you've found and grabbed someone who's special to you in ways that completely overshadow any faults that person may have.

 

Also, I think success in dating and success in relationships mean completely different things. Success in dating doesn't necessarily translate to success in relationships.

[man_in_the_box]

Human beings are meant to reproduce. But the most useful genes are the ones that generally get preserved. The least useful go away.

 

you can just walk out the door and see that this is so not true

[tbf]

you can just walk out the door and see that this is so not true

Better yet, go to Walmart.

[carhill]

A man's personality is hugely important to women in relationships; IME equal to if not moreso than his looks. His looks (physical attractiveness on first encounter) get him, if passing muster, an audience at first meet. After that, personality analysis and 'feeling' him out ensues.

 

Always enjoy typing a post and hearing gunshots. The cop across the fence must be target shooting again. My personality must've changed because things like that don't startle me anymore. Anyway, OP, IMO don't fret about things one has no control over, and how women view you or I is one of them. It is what it is. Good luck.

[MomsSpaghetti]

A man's personality is hugely important to women in relationships

 

I don't think anyone is claiming that personality isn't important for keeping relationships cemented. The question is how to attract women in the first place. If you think that working on your personality will help you attract women, you're largely incorrect. Improve your looks or income. Then you'll find that women are drawn to your "personality" and you can get in a relationship in the first place.

[carhill]

IME, it doesn't really matter. However, one can 'improve' their looks and/or income for their own personal reasons. I tried this path as an experiment from about 28-34, including becoming more 'worldly', with little positive result. Then, I started watching how men who were successful with women, either dating them or married to them, as I had a lot of married male friends at that point, and learned how to more effectively interact with women. The looks were the same; the nebulous job was the same. The difference was personality and its expression. That's how it went in my generation and demographic. Yours may vary. Perhaps, when you're my age, perhaps bouncing a child or grandchild on your knee, you can reflect upon how things went for you. I hope they go well.

[serial muse]

The reality is if you're single, there's a reason. It's usually biological. Meaning, your genes are just not meant to reproduce.

 

Faulty genes do not always manifest themselves in good looks or great sociable character. Unseen, yet undesirable traits can subconsciously turn women off.

 

It's just evolution weeding out the bad seeds...

 

Oh 49322, you know that's not how natural selection works. There's no "meant", no goal, no intention, no "weeding out" in it. And there are no "bad seeds". To even state such implies that somebody's out there judging genes. Honestly.

 

You're looking at it the wrong way round. It's not that peoples' genes are selected against; it's simply that if they do not reproduce, then of course their particular mutations will not be passed on to descendants. But there is far more than just nature that goes into that; ignoring the vast wealth of evidence that all sorts of people who have traits considered "undesirable" by many (and yet varying from society to society and person to person) nevertheless reproduce is the very definition of confirmation bias.

 

I really wish that people would stop stating things that suggest evolution has a hive-mind or a goal. That's the pernicious influence of poorly understood evo-psych, I'm afraid. It's not a person and it's not a god. It's a process. I know that people need badly for there to be a guiding hand behind everything for some reason...I'm surprised to hear a libertarian espouse such a need, however.

Edited August 12, 2013 by serial muse

[Anela]

Better yet, go to Walmart.

 

We really have to stop shopping at Walmart. I don't know if the ones we've been to just aren't that bad, or if I'm not recognizing it because I'm one of "them".

 

A guy's personality is part of what he brings to a relationship, OP. If you want a relationship, and aren't just looking to diddle something feminine and "hot".

[tbf]

We really have to stop shopping at Walmart. I don't know if the ones we've been to just aren't that bad, or if I'm not recognizing it because I'm one of "them".

Walmart has become an Internet meme because of a site called peopleofwalmart. I also personally have an issue with Walmart because of their horrendous unethical business practices and won't shop there or even cross their threshold.

 

Thought I'd explain it to you so you understand where I'm coming from, that it's not a sleight against you.

[thefooloftheyear]

Only stupid people are breeding...for the most part..

 

TFY

[Simon Phoenix]

Only stupid people are breeding...for the most part..

 

TFY