Is my boyfriend still attached to his ex?

[hopefulinlove]

I will simplify my story. Me and my close friend at the time (now boyfriend) began falling for each other while he was still dating his long-term, long distance girlfriend at the end of last year. She found out about us and he then left her to me with me immediately afterwards.

 

We are extremely happy together. We have been on several weekends away since we started dating, my parents love him and we see each other most of the week. I genuinely have felt the happiest with him than I have been with anybody.

 

However, I recently became aware of something that concerns me greatly. Whilst my boyfriend went to run some errands for his dad, I went to use his laptop. I lifted up his laptop screen and found his facebook logged in, viewing his ex's profile page. This raised instant red flags for me - my heart racing, I immediately looked on his activity log to view his search history. I found he has been searching for his ex's profile page every three days consistently for the last 1.5 months.

 

Why has he done this? Is he not over her? They are not communicating in any way and are not friends on facebook. Her profile is private. What is going on? I don't feel I should approach him about this yet ; I want to see the wider opinion on here, whether I am overreacting and he is curious, or whether he isn't over his ex at all, and I am just filling a void?

 

Please, any input is greatly appreciated. I am at a loss of what to do about this.

Edited August 9, 2013 by hopefulinlove

[Knoxpwns]

If you know for a fact that he doesn't contact her, then I wouldn't be too concerned.

 

It's very possible he isn't over her, but I wouldn't call this reason for concern; after all, he chose YOU. But if his relationship with her was long term (and long distance can still be very emotionally connected) then choosing to leave what he had with her would not be easy.

 

There is possibly memories and moments that he will need time to forget. but if he does not contact her or talk to her in any way, and it doesn't effect your relationship negatively, then I wouldn't worry too much and it will probably fade in time.

 

Just remember to treat him well and remind him why he made the right choice

[xanitus]

well if he left a happy relationship to be with you, don't be surprised one day if he leaves you to be with someone else, even back to her.

[Omei]

I will simplify my story. Me and my close friend at the time (now boyfriend) began falling for each other while he was still dating his long-term, long distance girlfriend at the end of last year. She found out about us and he then left her to me with me immediately afterwards.

 

Oh he sounds like a winner lol

He prob still feels guilty for being such a jerk, I'd worry a bit I mean he did it to her what makes you immune? He only left her when she "found out"

 

Other than that I agree with the other posters he is prob just wondering about her life maybe he isn't over her. But as long as it's just looking it will fade.

[Angry bird]

No, he is not over her. He will try and get back with her,if she shows no interest in him and moves on...which I hope she does. And he is probably very remorseful for what he did. Hope the old girlfriend has found better.

[hopefulinlove]

No, he is not over her. He will try and get back with her,if she shows no interest in him and moves on...which I hope she does. And he is probably very remorseful for what he did. Hope the old girlfriend has found better.

 

Surely though if he hasn't contacted her that counts for something? If he is that desperate to be with her he would be I think.

 

Maybe it is purely guilt and he is checking to see she is OK to relieve his conscience...

[Angry bird]

You check on someone once a year... Not 3x a week. He misses her. He wants contact with her. Maybe a friendship? See, guys jump in to new relationship quickly, then want to back track.

 

My sister broke up with her boyfriend 6/7 years ago. They talked once may be twice a year. Then out of the blue he calls her recently and told her there isn't a day that goes by that he does not think about her. She was like--you are a day late and a dollar short. She healed FIRST, then moved on. She delt with the loss. He had already started seeing someone. Matter of fact, they were long distance as well.

 

I'm not saying he is still in love with her, but he is wanting contact with her.

[hopefulinlove]

I'm not saying he is still in love with her, but he is wanting contact with her.

 

So I am intrigued - if this is the case, why has he not contacted her?

 

She was messaging him several months ago asking to stay in contact; I said I didn't mind if he chose to, but he ignored her. So I am not stopping him.

 

I might sound desperate here or like I am making excuses, but it really is bizarre because he seems so happy to be with me. But equally I know if I am truly happy in a relationship I would not give my ex a second thought.

[Knoxpwns]

If it was long distance, then he was happy with her and met you. You made him happy too. He was forced to choose between her and you. You had the benifit of being tangible.

 

The fact that hes not talking to her, to me, speaks volumes.

 

Imo - he misses her, he still cares about her, but he cares about you more and abstains from talking to her for you.

[Angry bird]

I would just wit and see, it could just be a passing curiosity

[Joaquin]

Well i can understand yr concern as you've seen first hand how he can lie and deceive, so I'm guessing now that the fog has lifted yr left sleeping with one eye open.

 

Bless.

[lop98]

This still going after this thread? and on top of it all, you still react like "he's now with me, that must mean something!". Why even ask?

 

I'm not sure about being extremely happy when this keeps getting on the way, but good luck... I would've dumped him, regardless of how he feels or what he tells you, I can't be insecure in a relationship, it's too toxic. Even if there weren't problems and it was all in your head, the fact that you feel this way and communication is clearly not cutting it opens a channel for new problems, if you don't consider feeling like this a problem already.

[veggirl]

Of course he is still attached. He never had time to properly grieve/move on from the relationship.

 

This is why you don't date people who are fresh out of relationships!! I'd be PISSED if my bf was searching an ex every couple days. Do you search YOUR exes every couple days? Why not? Because you are OVER them.

[Angry bird]

So, I just read your other thread on this...

 

Let me be clear. You love this guy, that's obvious, because you really are afraid of losing him.

 

The lesson here for you is following your gut. Honoring yourself and knowing what you want/need to feel secure in this relationship.

 

There is a space in your heart tht will be unoccupied when you guys break-up (which is inevitable).

 

But the longer you wait to set your boundaries, the less likely you will have boundaries at all with this person.

[KatZee]

Of course he is still attached. He never had time to properly grieve/move on from the relationship.

 

This is why you don't date people who are fresh out of relationships!! I'd be PISSED if my bf was searching an ex every couple days. Do you search YOUR exes every couple days? Why not? Because you are OVER them.

 

This.

 

Of course it's normal to stalk ex's but in this case he never had proper closure with his ex and he jumped immediately to you. He didn't close that door and I'd say that, coupled with the fact that he's on her profile every 3 days is indicative of more than just being "curious."

 

My ex boyfriend did what yours did. He left a long term girlfriend to date me and he appeared to be so happy with me, everyone commented on it. Too bad he was hiding a whole side of him that missed his ex, that questioned his decision to end it with her, and it was because they never had closure.

 

He actually wound up cheating on me with his ex, he contemplated going back to her... it was a disaster. Worst relationship I've ever been in. Never again would I touch anyone that jumped from one person to me.

 

In the end, he also wound up doing the same to me. Dumped me after a long term relationship (3 years) for someone else.

 

Behavior usually follows a pattern. Watch out.

[BustedUpInside]

So I am intrigued - if this is the case, why has he not contacted her?

 

She was messaging him several months ago asking to stay in contact; I said I didn't mind if he chose to, but he ignored her. So I am not stopping him.

 

I might sound desperate here or like I am making excuses, but it really is bizarre because he seems so happy to be with me. But equally I know if I am truly happy in a relationship I would not give my ex a second thought.

 

How old is your boyfriend? Age might have something to do with him not being sure what he is doing with his life. Is there any chance that he could see his ex in real life or would their only method of contact be through online means?

[jesse93]

I too did this once, i dated a girl for about a year and started talking to another girl who is my current ex of 4 years, but i fell for this girl right away she was amazing, and we started talking all the time and i fell for her, I told my previous girlfriend because i didn't want to cheat on her, sadly i was so happy with this new girl i didn't really care what the previous one thought (I feel like a complete ******* for doing that to the previous girl she later told me how much it hurt her) but the point i'm trying to get at is when i left the previous girl for the new girl I didn't really care for her feelings at the time I didn't care to check on her to see how she was coping, I was so happy with this new girl it didn't matter to me (i know I'm an ******* for that one but i couldn't help my feelings i didn't know this new girl would have so much of an effect on me). If you ask me this guy does miss his ex, and wants to communicate with her but he isn't communicating probably because he is ashamed? of leaving her so promptly for you? maybe he sees something in her that he doesn't see in you. Or maybe hes just still in the "getting over her" stage with his ex.

 

If you are very concerned about it, just ask him its better to ask and find out why then sit here and question yourself.

[singme2sleep]

Not to worry you, but how can you be sure that he has no contact with her?

[hopefulinlove]

How old is your boyfriend? Age might have something to do with him not being sure what he is doing with his life. Is there any chance that he could see his ex in real life or would their only method of contact be through online means?

 

My boyfriend is 23, I am 26. He was with his ex-girlfriend for several years so undoubtedly they have an attachment. His ex is from the same town where he lives - however, most of the year she is at college. When she is at home though, as she is now, the chances of him seeing her are fairly average. She works in their town though and he has made no conscious effort to go out his way on purpose to see her. In fact we have not visited his town together at all. I don't believe this is purposely though, we just choose to shop in the town nearer my home as it is better and more convenient.

 

I did let this situation go after my previous post. I realized it was wrong of me to look at his searches. However, when I saw it with my own eyes for a second time I was forced to look. It worries me particularly though because it has only been recently. Is he looking for her because he is having second thoughts? Is it because she has returned from college now and he is just curious? Worryingly though, he has also been searching for her family members as well.

 

I am hoping this is a faze and it will pass. As a previous poster said - I need to remind him why he is with me and treat him well. Obviously their relationship did not make him happy.

 

Please someone tell me if I am completely fooling myself here. He is going to deny any attachment to her if I ask him and it might make him distrust me. If I do mention this, I should know first that the consistent searching is something to be seriously concerned about as his girlfriend.

[hopefulinlove]

Not to worry you, but how can you be sure that he has no contact with her?

 

Also I am pretty sure he has no contact because he was completely honest with me when she last contacted him, and his parents have mentioned to him before about contacting her.

 

I know he would tell me because I gave him the impression I am completely cool with it. I get the impression he is not in contact purely because he doesn't want to be - it is his choice.

[stillafool]

Yes he still wants her. If he is checking every couple of days on her she is on his mind all the time. Why does he need to continually stalk her? I think he wants contact with her but feels like a creep for how he treated her. He probably doesn't know how to approach her. She wanted to be friends which kind of says she isn't interested in him in a romantic way anymore. He may feel this and start to obsess about her (which seems like what is happening because he has to check on her every couple days.)

 

You asked this question back on July 1st and it's still going on. What are you going to do about it? Also why were you checking his laptop when he wasn't around. Seek and ye shall find.

[KatZee]

I am hoping this is a faze and it will pass. As a previous poster said - I need to remind him why he is with me and treat him well. Obviously their relationship did not make him happy.

 

Please someone tell me if I am completely fooling myself here. He is going to deny any attachment to her if I ask him and it might make him distrust me. If I do mention this, I should know first that the consistent searching is something to be seriously concerned about as his girlfriend.

 

Don't bury your head in the sand. Your radar is going off, so listen to it. It's definitely not a good sign he jumped from her to you.

 

And yes, he may have initially been happy with you (honey moon phase) but as the months have gone on and things are settling into a routine with you, his thoughts are being dragged backwards. This is not uncommon for a "jumper."

 

He could be questioning the relationship you guys have. Perhaps grass wasn't greener after all. There is SOMETHING there that he keeps going back to in his mind. Regardless if they talk or not, something is pulling him back, and if this goes on, he WILL reach out to her.

 

I'm telling you, I was in the exact same situation as you. My ex was sooooooo happy with me. Everything was sunshine and rainbows. And around 4 months together, once we had settled, he suddenly started doubting us... but this wasn't something I was aware of. On the outside, and to me and everyone else, we were perfect. Spending all our time together, going on trips, weekends away, in love, the whole 9 yards.

 

Do you think he was honestly going to come to me and say, "Hey, so I'm rethinking this entire relationship and I'm debating going back to my ex?" Of course not. So instead, after 6 months of not speaking to HIS ex, he reached out to her. They actually met a few times behind my back. He had sex with her. He discussed OUR relationship with her. He was confused, and wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. All of a sudden the newness had worn off and he was being pulled back to his ex-girlfriend of many years. There was history, a connection, and apparently the connection was still there.

 

All of this went on behind the scenes. I never knew of ANY of this until we hit 3 years together. Apparently someone was going to tell me he had cheated on me, so he was forced to come clean. He was forced to tell me all of the above. So despite all the things going on behind the scenes, he wound up staying with me and not going back to her... but is this really a relationship you want? One in which your boyfriends mind and heart are not 110% with you?

 

Looking back on my own relationship, everything became a lie. He put on such a good show for me, made me believe he was in love with me and that he was so happy. That relationship screwed me up big time.

 

So just keep your eyes open. Don't be foolish to think he's completely over her, not talking to her, or wouldn't consider another chance with her. He's not fully emotionally available to you and that's always bad news.

[Angry bird]

Don't bury your head in the sand. Your radar is going off, so listen to it. It's definitely not a good sign he jumped from her

 

I'm telling you, I was in the exact same situation as you. My ex was sooooooo happy with me. Everything was sunshine and rainbows. And around 4 months together, once we had settled, he suddenly started doubting us... but this wasn't something I was aware of. On the outside, and to me and everyone else, we were perfect. Spending all our time together, going on trips, weekends away, in love, the whole 9 yards.

 

Do you think he was honestly going to come to me and say, "Hey, so I'm rethinking this entire relationship and I'm debating going back to my ex?" Of course not. So instead, after 6 months of not speaking to HIS ex, he reached out to her. They actually met a few times behind my back. He had sex with her. He discussed OUR relationship with her. He was confused, and wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. All of a sudden the newness had worn off and he was being pulled back to his ex-girlfriend of many years. There was history, a connection, and apparently the connection was still there.

 

All of this went on behind the scenes. I never knew of ANY of this until we hit 3 years together. Apparently someone was going to tell me he had cheated on me, so he was forced to come clean. He was forced to tell me all of the above. So despite all the things going on behind the scenes, he wound up staying with me and not going back to her... but is this really a relationship you want? One in which your boyfriends mind and heart are not 110% with you?

 

Looking back on my own relationship, everything became a lie. He put on such a good show for me, made me believe he was in love with me and that he was so happy. That relationship screwed me up.

 

Did his ex tell him she was over it, or did he decide you were the one he wanted? How did you ever trust him again after that?

[KatZee]

Did his ex tell him she was over it, or did he decide you were the one he wanted? How did you ever trust him again after that?

 

His ex said things like:

 

- I refuse to be compared to her (me).

- I want to be with you but I don't trust you and

I never will trust you again.

- Stop contacting me until I am over you.

 

Honestly, I think my ex was confused as to who he wanted and he was seriously debating going back to his ex. But after she said the bolded above statement, he realized he couldn't go back to what it was. He often told me that trust was the one thing that was so important to him (how ironic), and I think the fact she said she'd never trust him again made him just come back to me.

 

I really think if she was willing to take him back with open arms, he would have gone back.

 

And I didn't find out all of this until we were together for 3 years. Ignorance is bliss. When I finally found out I went from being in love with him to completely despising him. I resented him, I was always angry at him, disgusted, I hated him. I gave him that second chance because we had been through so much but honestly after that I never trusted him again, and the relationship was done 7-8 months later.

[hopefulinlove]

Do you feel that he is burying the feelings for her then? Because he told me he fell out of love with her and didn't see her in the same way anymore.

 

Maybe he is looking out of an older brother kinda love? Curious and caring, rather than wanting to reach out and want her back?

 

I agree, 2 or 3x a week is a little excessive, but does it really mean bad news for us?

 

And KatZee, was your ex completely seemingly besotted with you? My boyfriend buys me little surprise gifts and is very romantic. I sense no doubt in him at all.