Sexual abuse

[Timothy]

Okay, wanted to ask for some advice. I'm in a great relationship, we get along great, and meet each others needs. Anyhow, while we've been talking over the past months, I've discovered some things. Such as, when she was 12 years old, she was in a sexual relationship with a 24 year old, and her father encouraged such relationships. She was molested by many people, including a gang rape session that I was told about. All of this, if it comes down to it, was due to her father. He encouraged it all. Now, its not like she just blurts this stuff out to me, its when she looks like somethings bothering her and I ask if she wants to talk about it. We're very open with each other. What kind of bothers me, is she has such a casual attitude about it all. Also to be noted, she maintains a caring relationship with her father. I asked her about it, she says that she wants to maintain it, because he cant hurt her now anyway. She has 'forgiven' him... How can a person do that? It drives me crazy that she can talk about having sex with 25+ year old guys in grade school like she's discussing the weather, and that she doesnt show the least bit of animosity toward the person who made her childhood like that.

 

Of course, I keep these feelings to myself. I respect her for being that strong about it all, but, was she really strong about it all, or is her world just warped in such a way that what happened just doesnt seem all that bad to her? And if thats the case, should I care anyway? I feel bad for her about whats happened, it just seems like she doesnt care. I've heard about things like this happening to people, but to have it happen to someone you love makes it all too real. People can be sick.

 

Anyhow, she is going to stay close with her father. Obviously, I think I can honestly say I hate him more than anyone I've known. She wants me to remain polite with him.

 

We're not seperating before anyone suggests something along the lines of "You inconsiderate pig, she deserves so much more than you" lol. We're engaged and quite happy, I'm just wondering how I should feel about all this, because I admit, it is kicking at my feelings from time to time. I feel aweful for feeling aweful about it!

 

-Timothy

[me]

Well, it seems as if you are in a situation that not alot of people are comfortable talking about. There is one thing that I don't quite understand. If she does not want you to resent her father for what he did to her, than why does she talk about it so casually? And another thing, you said she talks casually about the events that took place when she was younger, but does she ever show any sign of disgust at all? For her to remain in a close relationship with her father doesn't necessarily mean that she has a warped frame of mind. She probably looks down at him, and feels pity for the person that he is. It shows that she is trying to move on with her life with no grudges. I just don't get why she talks about it all the time. That's wierd.

[Tony T]

There could be a lot going on here...but maybe not.

 

Lots of times, we supress pain and abuse from our younger days and put it out of our mind. Obviously she hasn't forgotten what happened when she was a teen but perhaps a lot of the feelings have been shoved way down into her subconscious mind and forgotten, if only temporarilly. More than likely, to ensure her emotional survival at the time, she shoved this stuff way down into herself as a computer virus program would quarantine an active virus into an obscure part of the hard drive so the computer would not be adversely affected.

 

Overall, she is handling this in a very healthy way. She has been open and has talked to you about this. While most women would not have shared this information with you...because it's in their past and none of your business...she has been pretty open. This shows she has an immense trust in you, trusts you will not judge her, and wants you to completely understand where she has been.

 

There is no good reason why she should allow these experiences to drive her into a deep depression or affect her in other dramatic ways. Writing her father out of her life or being mad as hell at his now would serve no productive purpose. People who are able to forgive those who make mistakes...even REALLY BIG OMES...or who are able to forgive those who do things intentionally, with malice, are very healthy. This forgiveness is NOT for the benefit of the wrongdoer. It is for the benefit of that person who has done the forgiving, in this case your fiance.

 

By forgiving others who have wronged us, we take a horrible burden off our shoulders. We cease to carry around all the baggage, anger, resentment, etc., that can burden us and affect our lives and relationships. We let go of grudges and move on with our lives in a positive way. If the negative behavior has ceased or the person no longer has power over us, a perfectly fine relationship can be restored. Your fiance was pretty helpless and vulnerable as a child...but if her dad asked her to do something crazy now, she'd knock his block off...and then forgive him again. It's not any really big deal to do once you have matured to the level your fiance has. She's been through a lot more than you.

 

The kind of trials your fiance has been through builds character and helps us to grow spiritually as we seek to sort out the reasons things happened and how we can best survive them and move on with our lives. You will be best served yourself if you learn how to forgive. It's pretty insane and irrational to carry around grudges that have absolutely no affect on anyone else on the planet but yourself.

 

The only thing I may warn you of is that someday, she may have issues associated with this. If indeed there is stuff that she has shoved way down into her soul regarding this abuse, she may develop some depression. That's normally a reaction to repressed anger. If you see this, it can be quickly dealt with through a little counselling since you already know what it's origins may be.

 

Overall, I think your lady is a kind, forgiving soul who understands her father sinned and she has shown the courage and character to understand that even her dear ole dad was not perfect but rather a somewhat less than human scum who was prone to bad behavior. That she has forgiven him may be the most painful thing in the world for her because part of doing so was to lose a father she once worshipped and idolized and to realize her father was from a lesser God.

 

In conclusion, your fiance is not feeling indifferent but she has released her ill will towards all the people involved in this because she understands it's in her own best interests to do so. This lady will make an ideal wife because she will teach you to forgive as well. It is likely that if you are both able to let things go, both big and small, not hold grudges and not allow your lives to be ruled by past bullshxt, you will be one of the happiest couples around...in the top one percent.

 

You have a lot to look forward to...but you also have a lot of work to do on yourself spiritually to catch up with your fiance.

[Timothy]

Its late, and its New Year's day now, but I just read your reply and had to say thank you. Your a very intuitive person, your opinions make alot of sense. I hope I can learn to be as forgiving as she, I could learn alot from her as you said.

 

Thanks,

 

Timothy

There could be a lot going on here...but maybe not. Lots of times, we supress pain and abuse from our younger days and put it out of our mind. Obviously she hasn't forgotten what happened when she was a teen but perhaps a lot of the feelings have been shoved way down into her subconscious mind and forgotten, if only temporarilly. More than likely, to ensure her emotional survival at the time, she shoved this stuff way down into herself as a computer virus program would quarantine an active virus into an obscure part of the hard drive so the computer would not be adversely affected.

 

Overall, she is handling this in a very healthy way. She has been open and has talked to you about this. While most women would not have shared this information with you...because it's in their past and none of your business...she has been pretty open. This shows she has an immense trust in you, trusts you will not judge her, and wants you to completely understand where she has been. There is no good reason why she should allow these experiences to drive her into a deep depression or affect her in other dramatic ways. Writing her father out of her life or being mad as hell at his now would serve no productive purpose. People who are able to forgive those who make mistakes...even REALLY BIG OMES...or who are able to forgive those who do things intentionally, with malice, are very healthy. This forgiveness is NOT for the benefit of the wrongdoer. It is for the benefit of that person who has done the forgiving, in this case your fiance. By forgiving others who have wronged us, we take a horrible burden off our shoulders. We cease to carry around all the baggage, anger, resentment, etc., that can burden us and affect our lives and relationships. We let go of grudges and move on with our lives in a positive way. If the negative behavior has ceased or the person no longer has power over us, a perfectly fine relationship can be restored. Your fiance was pretty helpless and vulnerable as a child...but if her dad asked her to do something crazy now, she'd knock his block off...and then forgive him again. It's not any really big deal to do once you have matured to the level your fiance has. She's been through a lot more than you. The kind of trials your fiance has been through builds character and helps us to grow spiritually as we seek to sort out the reasons things happened and how we can best survive them and move on with our lives. You will be best served yourself if you learn how to forgive. It's pretty insane and irrational to carry around grudges that have absolutely no affect on anyone else on the planet but yourself.

 

The only thing I may warn you of is that someday, she may have issues associated with this. If indeed there is stuff that she has shoved way down into her soul regarding this abuse, she may develop some depression. That's normally a reaction to repressed anger. If you see this, it can be quickly dealt with through a little counselling since you already know what it's origins may be.

 

Overall, I think your lady is a kind, forgiving soul who understands her father sinned and she has shown the courage and character to understand that even her dear ole dad was not perfect but rather a somewhat less than human scum who was prone to bad behavior. That she has forgiven him may be the most painful thing in the world for her because part of doing so was to lose a father she once worshipped and idolized and to realize her father was from a lesser God. In conclusion, your fiance is not feeling indifferent but she has released her ill will towards all the people involved in this because she understands it's in her own best interests to do so. This lady will make an ideal wife because she will teach you to forgive as well. It is likely that if you are both able to let things go, both big and small, not hold grudges and not allow your lives to be ruled by past bullshxt, you will be one of the happiest couples around...in the top one percent. You have a lot to look forward to...but you also have a lot of work to do on yourself spiritually to catch up with your fiance.