second chance?

[robsa]

I never would resort to this but i'm really confused and not sure what to think. My now ex boyfriend and I met in high school 11 years ago, we both had a crush on each other but did not act on it and by the time he started acting on it i was no longer interested. We became good friends but he in my opinion always liked me more than a friend.

 

Then we grew apart and in the next 7 years saw or contacted each other very little. in 2009 we got back in touch while we were both trying to heal from a break up (during this whole time we were living in different countries), we started talking regularily and flirting on skype which i think gave us both hope, he was going through a rough time and decided to go take some time for himself but came to see me first. we had a great 4 days but realized that there was something missing between us so we stayed friends.

 

This went on until beginning of 2011, we would talk about anything and everything,( he did refer to me as his his holy grail during this time), and had accepted that we were good friends. early 2011 i decided to go visit him in India and travel with him for a month and this is when we got together for the first time, it was confusing because we were scared of doing the wrong thing, we were both at the start of career or getting a career together and did not want a long distance. After 6 mo of contact/being in an open relationship and apart, and confusion of what to do mostly from his side we finally saw each other and officially got together.

 

We were together but in a long distance for 1.5 years seeing each other every 6 week approx for short period of times. we had occasional fights because i wanted/needed to talk to him more and sometimes did not see the situation as making me angry vs him and i would take it out on him. But we loved each other very much and stayed together. during this time he tried breaking up a few times as he was insecure about our future (i work in humanitarian aid and he is building his business in south of india) but i managed to reason with him.

 

We had a greed for me to take some time and go live with him, i saw it as a test as he tended to say things like "after the 4 months we will either get engaged or break up". the 4 months were not perfect, he did not have a work routine and i was there for him and with a time limit so i think i was clingy and continued to get mad at situations and reverse it on him and always wanted to get what i wanted otherwise i would have very bad behaviours (not sure, but i think there was insecurity and i wanted more proof or attention) after 3 mo he broke up with me but we managed to stick together and i thought things were improving and i was trying to. Then had a month of holidays together in europe where i met most of his family and friends and then we parted to see each other again in 2 mo times.

 

Things did not go as planned because i did not get my visa to go work and was being very negative as usual and he broke up with me leaving me heart broken. His reasons were: we are not compatible, we don't want the same things, i don't see a future, i think this is for the best because i'm not sure i can give you waht you want etc. He also things he is being weak when i tell him that this should be an opportunity to learn from each other hot to improve the relationship since this year we had more time together to really understand. I never thought he would break up with me, we constantly up until the end talked about future, kids, wedding, our house etc..but he gave up saying he wants to restore our friendship.

 

He still loves me and misses me and he says sometimes he thinks it was the right decision and sometimes not. I want him back, i know we are good for each other and we can have a wonderful life together. But i can't convince him, he wants to stay in touch and he said he would be happy to see me in september (we were supposed to meet in canada) but with not strings attached or promises. Do we have a chance? should i keep talking to him from time to time and continue a dialogue? what is your opinion on the situation?

 

Thank you!

Edited August 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StandardToaster895]

It sounds like he's very insecure with the future, which is something in a relationship that you can't really "fix" like you can some other issues. The best option maybe to let yourself loose until you see him in September. Keep your contact to the minimum of planning your visit, don't talk all the time non-stop. Make him think about what he's missing, and then see what happens in September when you visit, and play it out from there!

 

Make sure to update us on what happens at that point! And I'm sure others will have more advice!

[robsa]

I also feel he is insecure, he is also in the process of starting his business which he always said was his priority and keeping up with a long distance especially now that we most likely won't be in the same country is difficult, but i mentioned this to him and he said it had nothing to do with it. Also 2 days ago (after a week of no contact) i broke down and wrote him a message saying how i hated what we were doing to each other and he replied by saying that i'm doing this to myself and i should accept it and start the healing process, and that for him it was hard but realised that his unhappiness for the next 1-2 years were certainly not more important than his lifelong happiness. this hurt alot and i could not bring myself to reply.....and now i'm scared he might not even want to see me anymore, in which case i have no idea when we would see each other again. I'm determined not to talk to him and wait for him to initiate contact.

 

also not sure if mentioning this add to it...but we are both 28 years old!

Edited August 9, 2013 by robsa

[StandardToaster895]

I hate to say it, but this is why you should never break NC. You'll only end up adding more kinks to the situation. He dumped you make him come to you. Just wait, and if you don't hear anything before your planned meetup, send him a message perhaps one week in advance ONLY asking about meeting up, nothing more personal!

 

Oh and DO NOT REPLY TO THAT EMAIL.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, robsa

 

How are you?

 

Boy, Mr .Tester (your ex-hole) is on fire!

 

He is also a poet, he can suffer for years, knowing the silver lining is in reach.

Idiot!

 

He also has time to be your friend, in a few months time.

Stupid ex-hole!

 

Whether he contacts you or not in September, is irrelevant.

It just means that you have a 'head start'.

USE IT!

 

Begin making plans to fill the gap he has left. Transform yourself. New hobbies, a new look, a new outlook.

 

What do you really want to do that you haven't bothered with till now? Make plans to do it.

Don't just say you are going to change things - actually action a plan to change yourself for the better. It will make you happier.

 

Then in a while when you see your ex-hole around, he will wonder why you look so good, so not bothered, so over it - and he will want it BAD!

 

If you feel ready in September, call him. Do not text/email/Facebook him: hi, I want to meet.

No, call him, and he will hear it in your lovely voice. That you are ready.

 

I think we should be the ones to call the ex-hole when we are ready, if they don't pick up, we try again another day. If they call back, we DON'T pick up, let them sweat - Muhaha! - and then we call them again a few days later.

 

The phone call shouldn't last more that a few minutes, and you ask them for a short get together.

 

You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. Tip: Call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you (and ex-hole) some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.

 

Don't use the phone call to talk for hours, you got to keep the mystery alive...

 

But, before you are ready to call ex-hole, you need to think about yourself first, then your ex-hole.

 

Like on planes, they tell us to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on others...

 

You need to put yourself first. Since I believe you put your all in this relationship, and kept nothing for yourself, he on the other hand, gave 40% and kept the rest for himself. This is why he didn't feel he lost himself in the relationship. But you did. And it is nothing wrong with that, but just don't do it again!

 

You need time to heal, and get stronger, on the inside.

Keep us posted!

 

We are all special on this forum, it takes balls to fess up here - remember that.

[robsa]

Thora-Tiki, thank you for your post! I do agree with you he is or might be very confused but obviously not needing me and very in control at the moment. on the other hand i feel like a drug addict trying to detox.... i have to stop myself time after time from writing to him as i know that it won't change his mind anyways. But even before our relationship he was my constant and right now i'm just dying to talk to him. Funny enough when we were friends before dating he would always tell me he needed his "fix" of me if we would stay a while without talking...... I don't want to lose him!

[thora-tiki]

Hi, robsa!

 

I have been in no contact for over 8 months now, and I still have days where I reach for the phone to call my stupid ex-hole to tell him something that happened that day.

 

I have no way of communicating with my ex. I have deleted all info I have of / on him.

 

It takes time to evolve past the break up, and the first step is to let go of the past, and embrace the future.

 

You say you don't want to loose him. You have already lost him.

 

Let him go. It is over. Accept it.

 

The one thing that keeps people from getting back together, is that they are still trying to «fix» the old relationship.

 

The old relationship is a piece of time in the past... you can't change the past, but you can learn from it, and prepare yourself for a better future.

Just because you're letting go of your old relationship does not mean you are giving up on your ex forever. Time will tell if you were meant for each other or not.

 

The biggest part of no contact is getting your life back and letting go of the old failed relationship.

 

If you keep that in mind, that right now you are letting go of the old failed relationship and getting your life back, I think it will quiet the voices that are causing you pain.

 

Whenever we stop focusing on our evolution and jump back into our ex's life, then no one is tending to ours and the ruminating and obsessing begins and creates all kinds of havoc and emotional turmoil for us.

 

If he is yours by divine right, you cannot lose him.

[robsa]

everytime i think about getting in touch with him i read this message because i know that rationally it makes alot of sense. But i miss him so much and it makes him wonder why he is not reaching out to me even if he said he wanted to keep being my constant and being there for me.

 

I need to let go of the past but i can't decide whether i rather be in touch with him and accept if might just be a friendship or just let him be and hope that one day he will come back. Funny enough i used to think my instincts would always help me but right now i have no idea what my instincts tell me....i can't differentiate anything ... but he has been part of my life for so long and i just miss talking to him!

 

I will finally be going on holidays to see some old friends and family in a day so I hope that it will help clear my mind and get past this moment.

 

i'm aware that getting back together would not mean going back to what we had but slowly rebuilding something from ground zero, i'm ready for it but it takes two and i have no idea what is going through his mind at the moment!

 

sometimes i get so angry because i was there through so much with him and now it seems as if he couldn't care less, as if i'm nothing to him!

 

I know it is getting better day by day, but everyday i hit the bottom at one point or another. i'm aware i'm just blabbing on right now but if i don't do think then i will write to him or call him!

 

I'm not the kind of person who will think my life is over without him, i made it through 26 years without him, and not having him won't stop me from achieving what i want to achieve or getting on, but i can't shake the thought that we are good for each other and it will be very difficult to fill that empty spot even if possible with someone else. i'm no where ready to start something with someone else for sure, but i do think about it!

 

i've always believed in destiny and chances and fate and all of this, but i also believe that i can't just sit here and except to have everything fall into my lap! I don't know what to do...i need to do something and i don't know what to do!

 

and yes...i have already lost him!

[thora-tiki]

Hi, robsa

 

You are doing great!

Yay, you for keeping no contact!

 

Staying Friends = Relationship Limbo

Relationship Limbo = Constant Pain & Confusion

 

My problem was, and on some days, still is, that in my head there was this mathematical equation I had set up so long ago. It was simple but effective and still held power over me.

It looked like this:

happiness = Ex's Name

and

no Ex's Name = no happiness

 

If anything will work at all it is to let go.

Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day.

 

This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of getting your life back (getting your life back is also the fastest way to «get your ex back») is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.

 

- It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Even if they don't see you having fun, they get that you are letting go, since you no longer are the a poster child for insecurity or texting them, sending smoke signals etc. Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.

 

- We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.

 

Impatience is your enemy. It compels you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you: you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back.

 

There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go:

«well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now.»

 

A friend of mine said to me that her former boss had a standard rule for submitting loan applications: «Don't hurry up to get a turn down.»

 

If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.

 

Act like its over, because it is.

 

Say good-bye to the past, but don't tell yourself you will never have a chance to be with your ex again, because that would be lying to yourself (unless you can predict the future).

 

We are a forum full of fu*k ups, and we know it - that's what makes us different from all the rest - we know what we did wrong, and we learn from it.

[robsa]

I think you are absolutely right in everything you mentioned above, and i really do appreciate you writing it down for me to hear it out. I'm definitely not ready to think that we will never have another chance, and i know that the fact that we had 'planned to see each other in september" is causing more anxiety than anything, just because it is getting closer and closer and i feel that the more time passes the least likely it will be that we will see each other.... i'm also aware that i don't want to see him for closure, i want to see him so that we can have proper time to be together and see how it feels on both sides. I think he took the easy way out...breaking up with me on skype, when i was not close and he could just shut me out....

 

it would have been a different if he would have done it face to face.....may be he wouldnt have been able to! weakness...at least he did say he knew it was weakness but i also no longer know what i can or cannot believe of his words!

 

I know once i get back to work and i'm there in a new world with different people and dealing with suffering that really changes someones life this will become smaller, but my love for him will never stop! I knew he was the perfect guy before i even knew he was my perfect guy and that has been for 11 years now....

 

i want to heal the right way, i don't want to run away from it and forget! and i need to change certain things for myself!

 

in any case! thank you and i admire you....do you still have hope to get back with your ex? and when did that hope go away if it was there or if you no longer have it?

[thora-tiki]

You wrote:

i want to heal the right way, i don't want to run away from it and forget! and i need to change certain things for myself!

 

I think you are very wise, my friend.

 

Contrary to popular belief... time is on your side, you do not have to hurry to «get him back».

 

Rushing to get back together is usually the biggest reason people break up so many times in the first place.

 

Then after so many breakups, one or the other decides this relationship is permanently broken, and leaves the relationship, but wants to stay friends.

 

You are onto something, when you write:

and i know that the fact that we had 'planned to see each other in september" is causing more anxiety than anything, just because it is getting closer and closer and i feel that the more time passes the least likely it will be that we will see each other.... i'm also aware that i don't want to see him for closure, i want to see him so that we can have proper time to be together and see how it feels on both sides

 

This is the main reason I say:

Call the ex up about a week before you actually want to see him, and only when you are ready.

 

That is the only way to be in control. You will not be in control if he is making the first move, or deciding when to meet. You are just handing over all power to him.

The same guy that murdered your heart.

 

Stop thinking about all the wonderful memories, instead think about how emotionally draining this relationship has been. You have been dating a vampire.

 

Not the sexy kind from Kindred the embraced, or Interview with a vampire etc. Hah!


 

But a: weak, skype-bastard.

 

I can make you a sign, when I find enough light bulbs. Pahaha!

 

If he asks to meet in September, ignore the text/e-mail/smoke signal/skype-request etc.

 

Come on here instead to get support or just to vent.

 

We are here for you.

 

No contact can be painful, but the pain will fade, and your life will get better... much, much better.

 

In time you will discover the «true character» inside both of you, and find out what you're both made of. This information comes in handy later on.

 

«Hello pain, what'cha knowin'?

I've come to watch your flowers growin'

Ain'tcha got no rhymes for me?

Do-in do do, feelin' groovy

Ba da-da-da da da, feelin' groovy»

[robsa]

But so in your opinion if he contacts me about meeting up i should ignore it but then call him up a week before and propose to see each other? what if he says no at that point?

 

 

I guess i will possibly feel like a disaster again and that will be that!

[thora-tiki]

Hi, robsa

 

Sorry for being unclear.

 

What I meant was:

 

You make contact when you are ready. This could be in a few months time or so.

 

Give yourself a cooling off period. Look at your calendar and choose a period of time of about 3-6 months time. So now you know that in 6 months time or less, you can allow yourself to talk to your ex.

 

Use that no contact time on you. Do not fall int the trap of using no contact as a recipe:

Wait so and so many days/weeks/months, then contact.

 

If the thought of calling him makes you want to heave, or you are afraid he'll reject you, then you know you are not ready to date him. And you do no contact a few more weeks/months.

 

When you do feel ready to meet him for a short coffee date ask yourself this before you break no contact and call him:

 

How sad would I be if he said no? Would I be a little sad, but shrug it off and make other plans?

 

In any case you don't talk too long on the phone, when you call to set up a date. Suggest a date that gives you a week to prep and get ready for the date. That way he'll also have time to get mentally ready.

 

When you decide to have a short date with him:

Don't think too much about it, don't plan too much what you're going to talk about. Wear something that he hasn't seen yet, combined with something he has (but not too many times, like a piece of jewellery - not something he gave you). That way he will be reminded of you, but also intrigued by the new person in front of him. You should have a new and fresh look.

 

No contact teaches (us and the ex) patience, and patience builds character.

 

If you want a break-up buddy, my e-mail address is:

[email protected]

[robsa]

Hi thora-tiki, and thank you again for replying this is being helpful to me!

 

unfortunately i'm and always been the kind of person who needs to follow that my heart is telling me to do so i wrote back to him today after the last message he sent to me saying that his short-term unhappiness did not outweigh his short term happiness and that basically i needed to get over it....

 

this is what i replied:

 

I did not answer to you earlier because in fact I think it was best for me not to do so. I understand that in times like this may be no contact is the best. In any case, you were right that talking in the first 2 weeks after the word OVER was put out in the world was not the best of ideas because there could have been no rational talk as emotions were still too high. I want you to know that I do respect your decision and I'm very sorry for trying to reason with you. I wish i could have understood how you felt earlier on but that was not the case. I think there were many misunderstanding mainly from my side, and i could have not seen your messages clearly as i was too blinded by my love for you. In any case, I do hope that everything will work out for you in the best of ways, the website looks great and i know that you will kick ass! i was happy to be part of your dream even if for a short while. in any case i'm sorry for dragging you into unhappiness it was the last thing i would have wanted for you and I hope you are doing well and your life is as bright as it can be.

 

 

I know you will say i should have just not written anything but I just had to let it out. and of course i hope he replies but if he does not than for me it is a very very clear and loud message that not only he no longer loves me as a partner but also he can't get over himself and does not care for me as a friend (which he says he wants to be).

 

in a way it feels good! not sure what more he could say to shatter my hopes and dreams as i'm aware that they are all based on him and not his wants and needs!

[robsa]

So 10 days after i wrote him that last message he replied back saying he has been busy but also that even though some days apparently are the best he has had in years, other days he is extremely sad and misses me like crazy. It has been over a month since he broke up and based on what he says on the message he has not yet been able to break down and to deal with the break up as he has been numbing himself emotionally. he also said he would like to see me at some point and ended with miss you and love....

 

 

he continued with saying that he only wants the best for me also and that i did not cause him and suffering or pain.

 

In any case this was about 4 days ago and needless to say now i'm totally confused since in the last message i got from him he pretty much said i needed to accept it and move on because he figured that this was the best for him and it is over.

 

 

I did not what to respond...in truth i wanted to talk to him but i was also not sure about it so...i wrote to him simply "what do you mean?" but he had not yet responded and i tried to contact him to talk but he ignored me (may be not)....

 

 

what am I to do?

[thora-tiki]

Well, I am not, confused.

 

Hi, robsa

 

How are you?

 

You sending him that last message, the lovey-dovey one, told him he still had you on the hook.

 

I am not surprised at all that he replied the way he did.

 

He e-mails you, something lame, sorry, it is lame to tell you

blah blah «he replied back saying he has been busy but also that even though some days apparently are the best he has had in years» blah.

 

He knew he still had you on the hook, but after almost two weeks he didn't know if you were still squirming - read your long text to him, the one you sent 14 days ago - and that's why he wanted to strike like he did, with the lame text, while you were still on shaky ground, and would easily buy his bullsh*t text.

 

No contact is a game of chicken, it really is.

Control the situation and wait him out. Not as a game of dysfunction,

but for the best results for longevity of the contact!

 

If no contact is rushed, it won't work out.

 

He and you need more time. Only when we are in the right place emotionally, can the contact have a good outcome.

 

Am I making sense?

 

Believe me all that reverse psychology telling you: «he has been busy but also that even though some days apparently are the best he has had in years» is just bullsh*t in my opinion.

 

Mr. Oh So Important might be mean, but he isn't stupid, and you shouldn't be either. He is just trying to make you jealous, and it is working.

 

He is taking up too much space in your head. Stop it. Get annoyed every time he pops into your mind!

I do that when ever my ex-hole pops his stupid face into mine.

 

I picture your ex-hole in my head rubbing his hands together, or petting a white fluffy cat, with a sinister grin on his face, because he is so exited to be playing games with you.

 

So take everything with a grain of salt and focus on you.

 

You need to turn away from him and focus on yourself.

Focusing on him and trying to interpret what he is saying/why did he do this or that mean? is not helping you, and it is hurting you and preventing you from getting your life back.

 

He knows this, and he is playing you. Wake up!

 

People ALWAYS want what they can't have.

 

He knew the longer you stayed no contact/away, the more the love blindness would wear off.

 

You will hear from him again. It is as sure as death and taxes.

 

And when you do, IGNORE HIM!

He'll make it difficult for you.

But still ignore him.

He'll text you:

Honey, I am on fire, call the fire department!

I love you and miss you.

 

He texted you because he had a moment, you disappeared, and now a few days later, he started to remember the good times and put all the bad times in the back of his mind.

 

You in a moment of weakness and habit - reach out to him and broke no contact, by responding: What do you mean?

 

He didn't respond back since now he it at ease,

he knows HE has the upper hand again!

 

Now go back to no contact and take back the power.

 

And learn from this.

Remember this feeling - that he disappointed you.

Gave you false hope.

 

Delete the text and move on from that incident.

Think of it as a brain-fart from your ex-hole.

 

Bahaha!

 

Actually this is to your advantage, you ignoring him.

 

It will eat away at him that you didn't break down from his dumb-a*s attempt to confuse you, he will start to worry that he finally went too far this time and lost you forever.

 

Now who is sweating?

 

Muhahah!

 

So, what are your plans for this week and weekend, buddy?

[robsa]

We talked on skype today....

 

 

and well i'm not sure what i got out of it other than another crush.... he said that talking to me now is much better but also that he doesn't know what to say sometimes because there are two things that are going on: 1)he is super busy getting his business running and is being very productive and back to himself... 2) he still misses me and loves me and i'm still the first thing he thinks about in the morning when he wakes up....and he thinks that both of these things are unfair to me because the first makes me feel bad that he is doing good and happy and the second one gives me hope that i should not have.....

 

We have discussed once again the reasons..he says that he was hoping until the end but then there was no hope and so he thinks that we have no chances.....

 

 

i'm broken again...he said he wanted to see me of course "break up sex" and also because he thinks i deserve a face to face...but i would have to change my ticket and extend my stay to see him for one day...that is all he is giving!

 

and part of me just wants to hug him and be with him even if it is the last time, even if i just want to see the effect i have on him...but i know i would do it for the wrong reasons!

 

 

he says love always wins.....(*******) but then of course not our love for each other..just love in general when i find the next one!

 

 

in any case thank you for keeping answering to me! i feel like i'm at a dead end and everyone around is too busy to just be here! I know you will say i need to restart no contact simply to get over him.... and i think i just need to really get over him and lose hope because he is not coming back!

[BC1980]

NC immediately. There are several reasons, and I've lived what you are going through.

 

1. You need distance, so you won't have to hear hurtful or ambiguous things from him.

 

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Distance will bring out his true intentions, though they may not be what you want. Time will tell.

 

3. Don't let him have any benefits of having you in his life. He broke up with you, so he doesn't get to talk to you any time he wants.

 

The only thing that will help is NC. It's hard as hell, but I have lived through this and only just initiated NC after 4 months of game playing.

[BC1980]

Oh, and no way in h*ll should you see him in September for that trip. He forfeits those rights. He wants to break up, he's got it. You will be gone.

 

Look, I know this is terrible. It took me a good 6 weeks before I felt truly happy about anything again. I just felt miserable in situations where I should have been having fun. My mom and sister took me on a trip, and I was truly unhappy when I should have been enjoying myself.

 

I felt nostalgic again last week because fall is coming up, which means holidays, my first without him in 3 years. But it passes. It always does. You won't be the same again, you won't feel like dating for awhile, but you will be okay. You will be. Because the only other option is to give up, and you aren't going to do that. You aren't going to let another person dictate how happy you are in your life.

Edited August 26, 2013 by BC1980
grammar

[robsa]

I know you are right....the thing is ..it has been 6 weeks and i'm on a trip and going somewhere else soon...but nothing helps to break that hope i keep having....

 

I just can't stop hoping....and finding things that were wrong....i was happy in the relationship and well i guess he wasn't but i can't see it a different way! and if i don't see him now God knows when i will see him next!

 

I have dealt with it....i took it all without running away from it..but this hope is killing me...and then he goes and says "love always wins" yea right it does...this is how you are proving it....of course he was not talking about our love!.....

 

i know there is so much more to life....and he is not the only person but i feel so helpless and dead and unmotivated!

[robsa]

And i know distance is the only way and i just really need to stop talking to him completely...i know that if i want to figure something out for real I have to truly let him go and find a way to stand on my own two feet and be happy....but as you said it is hard, too hard sometimes....

 

And i'm scared to find out he has really decided that it is over and there are actually no more chances and there is no hope....that is what i can't face....

 

 

but can he really know this if he has been numbing himself and not dealing with it....if he is not giving himself the time to break down and feel what i have been feeling...essentially in the past 6 weeks he couldn't have found much out....not about us anyways! may be about himself as an individual....

 

and i lost my best friend on top of that!

[BC1980]

You have to face that you may not get him back. You have to make yourself accept it, and it won't happen overnight. I wish I could stop loving my ex, but it doesn't work that way. You just have to go through these emotions. There is no short cut.

[robsa]

I know i know i need to prepare and accept the fact that it is over and i wil most likely never get him back...and i have been trying to but i just can't stop hoping and thinking he will come back to me....it is not just about the love.... It is the hope and i don't know why but something makes me be sure he will come back to me no matter what he says.... and i can imagine it is common for people who have just been dumped but how to shake it off!?

 

and then we talk and he says it is just so natural for him to want to tell me he loves me!

 

I know i have to deal with it...and the short cut he thinks he is taking won't and wouldn't help...i'm just tired of feeling so desperate and sad and lonely!

[BC1980]

and then we talk and he says it is just so natural for him to want to tell me he loves me!

 

This is why I would advise you to go NC. By talking to him, you are going to hear things that give you false hope but only hurt in the end. He's telling you these nice things, but, in the end, it feels so hollow because there is no commitment. Just words that bring back memories and drive the dagger in deeper.

 

You are talking to him to fill an emotional void, but he is not able to give you any fulfillment at this time. So you come away feeling worse actually. That emotional turmoil was what finally drove me to request NC from my ex. How in the world is he worth that much stress? You aren't even a couple. It's like putting cake in front of a diabetic but saying you can't have it. It's cruel really, even if he doesn't mean it to be.

 

But you have to be the one to know better. You will have had enough one day, and you will cut him off. NC was one of the hardest things I have had to do, but, after following through with the initial decision, I feel at peace. Sad but at peace.

[BC1980]

and i can imagine it is common for people who have just been dumped but how to shake it off!?

 

The hope is there for nearly everyone. Only time dulls it. I don't think you can force yourself not to hope. I think you can go through things logically to diminish hope, but, as humans, we like to have hope. It makes us feel better even if we know it's not likely to happen. It must be some sort of natural reaction to a bad situation.