MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Lol...I picked up my book and started reading after posting and the book has a paragraph starting by saying most people put more time and effort into choosing a car or tv to buy than they do into deciding whom to have a relationship with Hahahahaha :laugh: same when deciding to marry. Sorry but its true ...forever is a long time. People really don't think. I commented about that in a thread before, that most smart people when they make other life investments really weigh it beyond how they feel, but with emotional investments and relationships, all caution is thrown to the wind and many people just investment blindly and hope for the best. Reading LS and looking at my parents and other people, I'm like this marriage thing is no joke. Before I agree to forever, it really is going to be a conscientious decision on my part, pre-marital counseling and all. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I commented about that in a thread before, that most smart people when they make other life investments really weigh it beyond how they feel, but with emotional investments and relationships, all caution is thrown to the wind and many people just investment blindly and hope for the best. Reading LS and looking at my parents and other people, I'm like this marriage thing is no joke. Before I agree to forever, it really is going to be a conscientious decision on my part, pre-marital counseling and all. That's where I (I believe) got it right this time and wrong the others. I did approach it like a major investment. I did keep returning to my list of must-haves and luxuries and I did take it seriously from the second date in terms of being aware of what I was doing and what was at stake, or not. I'd always followed emotions and instinct previously. Which, to be fair, seems to serve some people very well indeed, but not me I am not sure that age is totally clear cut in terms of persuading us that a relationship won't last. I know a few couples - happy couples - who got together early 20s or prior. And I also suspect that many who marry young do so earnestly and sincerely. I (feel as though I) am almost a different person now than 5 years ago, and it's not possible to know that is coming until it's happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 She only turned 24. Hmm, that is young, but not too young. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AKisBaked Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 Lol...I picked up my book and started reading after posting and the book has a paragraph starting by saying most people put more time and effort into choosing a car or tv to buy than they do into deciding whom to have a relationship with Hahahahaha :laugh: same when deciding to marry. Sorry but its true ...forever is a long time. People really don't think. How more screwed is the person when they find out that they are pregnant with someone who they haven't been dating for awhile? They make the rash decision that since they are going to be having a child, they need to get married right away! Can't say it better myself... people really don't think.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 How more screwed is the person when they find out that they are pregnant with someone who they haven't been dating for awhile? They make the rash decision that since they are going to be having a child, they need to get married right away! Can't say it better myself... people really don't think.... I will never do that. If I had no intention of marrying you, being pregnant will not change that one bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 How more screwed is the person when they find out that they are pregnant with someone who they haven't been dating for awhile? They make the rash decision that since they are going to be having a child, they need to get married right away! Can't say it better myself... people really don't think....We were engaged within 6.5 weeks and got accidentally pregnant within 7 months of our engagement (on the patch bc so it's not like we messed up using bc) which trashed all wedding plans (thankfully since it was our mothers who wanted the event of the year) so we quasi-eloped. It hasn't ruined our marriage at all. If anything, H was and is happier for it since wanting kids was the reason why he ended his last marriage, where the ex changed her mind mid-stream about having them. We now have two boys where he'd be leaping with joy if we had more. Not a snowball's chance in hell, according to me. Two is perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I will never do that. If I had no intention of marrying you, being pregnant will not change that one bit. Although I couldn't fathom getting someone pregnant if I wouldn't marry them... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Although I couldn't fathom getting someone pregnant if I wouldn't marry them... I took it to mean it was an unplanned pregnancy. I wouldn't intentionally get pregnant for anyone other than someone I'm married to. And if I have an accidental pregnancy by someone I wouldn't marry, but am just seeing, I won't marry them now just because of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Ridiculous Stupid Crazy Impractical Irrational Insane Pick one or all of the above!!!! If you plan on spending forever together anyway, why do people rush into getting married??? I knew I would marry my H one day and we spent 6.5 years making sure we were right about each other. I don't understand what the big rush is. What's the difference between being married for 50 years or 53 years? Nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Ridiculous Stupid Crazy Impractical Irrational Insane Pick one or all of the above!!!! If you plan on spending forever together anyway, why do people rush into getting married??? I knew I would marry my H one day and we spent 6.5 years making sure we were right about each other. I don't understand what the big rush is. What's the difference between being married for 50 years or 53 years? Nothing. Yupp! That's how I see it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Ridiculous Stupid Crazy Impractical Irrational Insane Pick one or all of the above!!!! If you plan on spending forever together anyway, why do people rush into getting married??? I knew I would marry my H one day and we spent 6.5 years making sure we were right about each other. I don't understand what the big rush is. What's the difference between being married for 50 years or 53 years? Nothing. Or if it's not that big a deal maybe save yourself a small fortune and don't do it at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AKisBaked Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 Ridiculous Stupid Crazy Impractical Irrational Insane Pick one or all of the above!!!! If you plan on spending forever together anyway, why do people rush into getting married??? I knew I would marry my H one day and we spent 6.5 years making sure we were right about each other. I don't understand what the big rush is. What's the difference between being married for 50 years or 53 years? Nothing. Perhaps, some families are very traditional, for say in this scenario. My ex's parents were pretty traditional, so my guess is that since she got knocked up and is keeping the baby her parents are pushing her to get married since she is planning on keeping the child. I'm sure some of you, may disagree with that decision, and this is just simply out of speculation, but that's what would be my guess in why she's making such an irrational, impractical and everything you stated in your comment, decision:D Link to post Share on other sites
Author AKisBaked Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 I took it to mean it was an unplanned pregnancy. I wouldn't intentionally get pregnant for anyone other than someone I'm married to. And if I have an accidental pregnancy by someone I wouldn't marry, but am just seeing, I won't marry them now just because of that. Couldn't agree more with you on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I find comments on this subject often come from success stories, almost like those in a casino who tell us of their huge winnings. Does that analogy make sense? Let’s talk about gambling for a minute and compare it with a quick marriage. We understand gambling; we understand the odds are stacked against us (why else would the casinos be in business?); most rationale people treat gambling as an occasional flirtation under the asepsis of entertainment. Then there are some who gamble as a need. Despite the odds of losing; despite the chance to end worse off financially and sometimes severely so, they make a “go at it” perhaps in their lust for the jackpot or because someone else wrote in a forum “how much they won at the table” or “how they beat the odds” or “the casino always pays out for them” and just “do whatever makes you happy”. Then there are those that want the best of casino life. They study the game; watch the dealer if the game is card based; learn about the odds of winning from popular theorists and professionals; develop a strategy to lessen any negative odds; develop decision criteria for choosing the right game and walking away either before the game starts or soon after one begins if it’s not the best choice and so on... My point being, we often hear in this forum of the success stories taken after a huge gamble of becoming married perhaps only knowing someone for such a short time. I congratulate you for this success. However, having a feeling about someone without really getting to know them is not much different than sitting one’s self at the roulette table and “having a feeling” about the ball falling in the slot of a chosen number. When you’re right you look like a genius or someone with perceptive powers, however those that are wrong and lose, rarely talk about their losses or promote their experiences. They move on quietly and often embarrassed. The same goes for quick marriages – we rarely hear from those who entered a quick marriage and it bombed – it’s much easier to keep silent, walk away and learn from the loss than brag about it. Personally, I would heed caution on the side of a sudden marriage or someone who claims they “have never loved me or someone as much as this before” or has this incredible impulse to get married in celebrations of these feelings of new love. I’m not suggesting such feelings are not real, all feelings are real, they are real in the casino as well. However, these real feelings in the start of new relationship or the casino don’t change the odds, they just ease the “player” towards a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I think it all comes down to trusting yourself to make the best decisions for you. My father proposed to my mother about 2 weeks into knowing her. They've been married 35 years now. I've been engaged twice. The first time I waited over 2 years and found out, after living together for over a year and seeing each other 3-4 times a week before that, that I didn't know the person and we broke up 5 years into the relationship. A couple years later I met my now fiancee, that I proposed to less than 5 months into the relationship. There was no hurry or rush involved, it just felt right so I went with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I think it all comes down to trusting yourself to make the best decisions for you. My father proposed to my mother about 2 weeks into knowing her. They've been married 35 years now. I've been engaged twice. The first time I waited over 2 years and found out, after living together for over a year and seeing each other 3-4 times a week before that, that I didn't know the person and we broke up 5 years into the relationship. A couple years later I met my now fiancee, that I proposed to less than 5 months into the relationship. There was no hurry or rush involved, it just felt right so I went with it. Nothing wrong with what you are saying, the point is you're engaged, letting the other person know you are serious about them and your intentions. The OP was describing the finalizing of marriage in a short time, armed with only a few months of information. Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Nothing wrong with what you are saying, the point is you're engaged, letting the other person know you are serious about them and your intentions. The OP was describing the finalizing of marriage in a short time, armed with only a few months of information. Big difference. The OP stated that his ex was just asked to get married. I don't see anything about a wedding date being set yet. I can only assume it is within 4 months though as any longer it would be more than a year. But regardless, his ex is nuts, rebounding, and possibly pregnant. The timeframe isn't that important, it's how open two people are and how much they communicate/spend time together. You can get to know someone more in two months seeing each other consistently than you would in two years having date nights and the such. It's such a graded scale that it's impossible to say whether or not it is too soon for someone to make that step. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 We got engaged 6 months in and married 8 months later. Maybe we were rash, who knows, but we had so very much of the important framework in common that we - despite trying hard! - didn't find any areas to concern us or issues we felt we couldn't work through. We have argued twice in 18 months and they were shortlived, and we've had our fair share of external factors bringing pressure and worry. We believe we're perfect together and every day is better for having him in my life. I agree wholeheartedly with Phil... The quality and quantity of time spent together - in one another's company NOT in the relationship - is what is really relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
honeycomb Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 When you know, you know. It might not make sense to anyone outside of the relationship, but maybe it makes perfect sense to them. When I first met my fiance (we'd talked over the internet for a few months before meeting in person), I knew he was "the one" that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We didn't get married right off the bat or anything, but I knew I would never be with another man for the rest of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Throwawayaccount1 Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Going from your post, it is hard to say whether or not you ex is jumping thegun on getting married. For some, an early marriage can work out. You describeyour ex as getting into a relationship very early after your break up. It ispossible that she was just looking for a quick rebound. It also concerns methat she is still wondering about you.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]For your situation, I think she is getting married to early. Marriage hasmany difficult aspects that both sides need to address. A marriage requiresyour spouse to be your best friend. 8 months is not enough time to truly knowsomeone and the fact that she is thinking of you makes this hard to believe. Itis a long term commitment that should not be rushed. Getting married will notchange your problems. I would recommend keeping your distance on theirrelationship, but if she feels the need to talk to you, do not be afraid totell her how you really feel. She may be blinded by the sense of love she foundso quickly after you.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Meggplants Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I would say the short gap in between relationships worries me because your ex has not been truly on her own to figure out what she wants. But when it comes to marriage you just know. In a relationship like that they probably have a symbolic interaction meaning they are creating their own definition of marriage through their experiences. Hopefully she is getting married for the right reasons such as love, emotional security, companionship, and the desire to be a parent. I just don't think contacting you and saying those things are fair to you. She needs to create space and give you time to heal. Meanwhile don't worry about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 When you know, you know. I have heard this before. And also heard a lot of people say with hindsight they were 100% sure, but made a bad judgement or based it on the wrong things. Although I think relationships should be approached with a mutual willingness to do a LOT of hard work, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sometimes folk are compatible, they try hard, love it each and it just does not work. That's different to a poor decision and people in that situation shouldn't beat themselves up if things didn't last 'happy ever after'. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 Agree with you Silly. Hearing or reading people say "when you know, you know" is absolutely mind-boggling silly. I get it they made a decision and it's working out; I get it they may have gone with their gut feeling and it's working out. Congrats!!! By the same token and under the same decision criteria is can not work out -- and so much then for "when you know, you know". Albeit, those that "know when they know" have surely thought they've known about the certainty of many other decisions in their life as well -- are we to believe they were all executed with perfect outcomes and never, ever was their a wrong decision under such pre-decision certainty? LOL How about this then "In my gut I felt he or she was worth the leap, taking the chance and I decided to go for it". Now that I can swallow, it leaves the door open to the possibilities of success or failure without the sound of special mind powers leading the decision. Geeeeezzzzzzz..... I have heard this before. And also heard a lot of people say with hindsight they were 100% sure, but made a bad judgement or based it on the wrong things. Although I think relationships should be approached with a mutual willingness to do a LOT of hard work, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sometimes folk are compatible, they try hard, love it each and it just does not work. That's different to a poor decision and people in that situation shouldn't beat themselves up if things didn't last 'happy ever after'. Link to post Share on other sites
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