How to proceed?

[StandardToaster895]

(A TL;DR version is at the bottom)

 

I've known this girl since freshman year of high school, and we're now college freshman going to schools about 1.5 hours apart.

 

This is a long story that can be broken into three real phases.

 

First, we became best friends while she was dating another guy in sophomore year. She ended up breaking up with him the January of that school year and I took her to Prom in May and by the end of the month we were dating. We then broke up mid-July, mostly due to my immaturity (read: jealousy, anger management issues and false accusations of cheating directed at her). We then entered a period of NC until late August when I saw her at my yearly school retreat.

 

This is where the second phase begins. I blew her off at the retreat, ignored her and all contact, which made her furious, ended up talking with her on the phone and over Skype when we got home to calm her down, and agreed to being "friends" with her that year. Saw her a few days later at orientation, drove her to pick up her car, and then she kissed me, long and meaningfully, on da lips, before she got out. Thus began phase 2 officially: friends with benefits. We basically descended into sexual madness, touching, making out, (no intercourse but most other things) for the rest of the year, although it did taper off as the year went on, and turned into more of dating. By July, I officially got sick of it, and officially asked her out, (making this July 2012) since we basically were anyways. She said yes, and phase three began.

 

Phase 3 was real dating, and until around December, it was really good. After that, she got busy with sports and I got busy with other commitments such as church work. We began drifting and right before our graduation in May, she confessed she thought we were drifting and should end it. I freaked, and told her to give it a summer and go from there. She did, and I gave it my all, calling her from foreign countries when I was on a trip, sending her mail, taking her on really nice dates, just spending time watching movies, etc. Regardless, this past Tuesday, she (very tearfully) broke up with me, citing her reasons as "drifting apart," she didn't "feel the same way about me as she did anymore," and fears about a bad breakup and not being able to last in college.

 

I'm man enough to admit, I didn't give her enough attention the second half of our senior year. She was busy running track and I let that be an excuse to not really call, text, Skype or take her on dates as much. The things we did do probably weren't romantic or involved enough as well. I at some point during the semester turned to pornographic materials to relieve sexual tension, and as they say, porn is the ultimate romance-killer.

 

On her side, I know her well enough to speculate that the reasons she gave for our breakup aren't the only ones she had, whether she realizes it or not. I know there's not another guy. I d know however, that she is scared of long term commitment, due to a bad history of divorce in her family, which is close to her heart as her parents divorced four years ago. She was probably frightened by any things I mentioned that involved our future, which I did mention this summer a number of times, even though I had hoped she was over that fear. Furthermore, she is a product of the modern romance generation that has seen too many Ryan Gosling movies and thinks romance should be all passion and the things they see in the chick flicks.

 

After the breakup, she texted me all day Wednesday, asserting her desire to remain best friends and her interesting in continuing to Skype, call and text. I politely asked her for her college address so I could send "birthday cards and such," and she obliged after I gave her my address. I then (I regret doing this somewhat now) told her that if she changed her mind or felt her feelings for me return, she should contact me and meet me over coffee or something so we could talk things out, which she agreed to.

 

We haven't talked since (fine with me!) in the last two days, and I've been keeping busy, rather than moping at home. My question now is, how do I proceed? How do I get her back? Don't tell me not to, I want to. She's my best friend and the best person (outside of my parents) in my life. Should I go with NC? LC? Do I visit her? Send her mail? I was thinking of sending a care package later in September for her birthday. Do I follow standard procedure and wait for her to contact me in a month or two? Or do I need to assert myself sooner rather than later before she gets involved in college life? Does anyone have a success story from a similar situation?

 

She'll be 1.5 hours away at college, but she's running college track, so I have a few advantages thanks to that. #1 She's not a partier, so she's not going to really be meeting tons if guys via that. #2 Even if she becomes a partier, she doesn't have time for them, because of her track practices and schedule, and due to the fact she has to stay on top of her schoolwork to retain her full-ride track scholarship. #3 She has 2 mega religious roommates, who should keep her out of any college debauchery. #4 She will be back in town frequently to visit her family. #5 She has already told me she wants to reman "best friends" which I perceive to be a weakness, an opening or a chink in her armor.

 

TL;DR: My girlfriend of a year, whom I had been in some sort of "connection" with for over three years broke up with me because she thought we were "drifting apart." She's now headed to college 1.5 hours away, what do I do to get her back?

 

(Also if any more details are needed, I'm happy to explain them. Just writing this was possibly the most cathartic thing I've done in two days.)

[thora-tiki]

You are doing great, StandardToaster895!

 

Staying friends with an ex = Relationship limbo

Relationship limbo = Constant pain and confusion

 

With a «friend» like that who needs the flu? Hah!

 

Also, you don't get an ex back, as if they didn't have a will of their own.

You attract them back.

 

You win in the end regardless of whether you are with your ex or not.

You win because you have your life back. As it happens, a lot of exes are attracted to someone who has their life back and generally they come sniffing around too. At that point it is your choice whether to accept them into your new life or not.

 

Right now she doesn't deserve any of your time. It's fact the dumper usually cannot cope. Let her stew in the mess she made, she'll realise it and chances are you will have completely moved on by that time.

HER LOSS!

 

She'll probably contact you after a few days/weeks/months when you haven't made contact.

When that happens, just ignore her.

Let her talk to herself. Hah!

 

You are too emotional at the time, and even in a few days/weeks/months, you will still be emotional. Just look at other people's posts on this site: you are up, down, over it, then down, up, down...

 

This is fine, but not when you want to reconnect with your ex.

Trust me on this.

 

Reconnect is another kind of roller coaster from hell, and you have to be yay high to ride it.

 

When that time (reconnect) comes you need to be a cool cat.

But for now: Don't think too far a head. This will only cloud your judgement, and now you need to be on your A game.

 

As long as you don't give up - you will succeed.

 

Things have to change - we all know that change is difficult, painful, and takes TIME - to be able to start a new relationship - this is the part we have a hard time understanding, so we try to hold on, but all we are holding onto is a broken relationship. The longer we hold onto a broken relationship, the longer we will have to wait to start a new one - yes, with either a new partner or the ex.

 

We must understand that there isn’t a set of words, a magic pill, or a glance into the future that can heal us over-night.

 

It is about a process. A journey during which we change ourselves for the better.

 

So let go!

 

Use this no contact time to become the person you are suppose to be.

 

What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

[StandardToaster895]

To the question of what I'm doing for me, it's early yet but: I've already been taking the steps to take care of myself, working out, hanging out with new people, generally getting out of the house, etc.

 

I also want to clarify, I'm not really trying to scheme or plan or manipulate this situation, I'm just wondering if there's anything I should do differently, BECAUSE this is a situation where we're an hour apart at college campuses. It'll be much easier for her to forget me than in other situations...

 

I do have one steaming issue, when she texted me Wednesday after she broke up with me, she expressed her desire to see me before she leaves for college. Do I blow her off?

 

She is genuinely my best friend, even before my girlfriend, so I do feel like I should see her before she's gone for two months.

 

The reason I mention this especially is that even though we've had no contact, I know that she is inevitably going to text me within the next week and ask to see me. I could manage acting a cool cat and not act all emotional and not beg her to take me back, but I'm still not feeling like it's a good idea, if only because I'm not sure what I'm expected to say to her.

Edited August 10, 2013 by StandardToaster895

[thora-tiki]

You are where everyone starts out after a break up, in the «panic phase» where you try to foresee the future, and figure everything out overnight, and this just makes you even more confused - so stop it.

 

If you don't know what to do, you are not ready to meet with her.

I know you want to, but don't do it.

 

I think you should take your cake back, and don't let her eat it anymore.

 

No compromising. All or nothing!

 

About her forgetting you:

 

Don't think that she will forget you if she doesn't hear from you, or see you. It's actually going to make her think of you more because she will start to wonder if she has finally managed to push you away.

 

Let her do ALL the worrying right now. You need to focus on you and becoming the most amazing person that you can be. Let her realise what she has lost... I just know that you will find a bright and happy future. You just have to want it enough.

 

Even if she dates... that doesn't mean she forgot you...

If you went out and dated, would you just forget about her?

 

If she see's, or hears about, you dating it would really help her evolution...

If it looks like you're waiting around for her she won't evolve... why should she, you're not going anywhere?

 

You have to go through all the emotions before you can look at them objectively and make a decision from strength otherwise your wasting your time and you will fail. Forget what she is doing.

For now concentrate on not giving a sh*t.

 

I didn't say not caring for her, but not giving a sh*t whether she comes back or not, because you are a self sufficient person that will have many more opportunities in life.

 

She didn't rule your world before you met her so why should she dictate your happiness now? Get to that same frame of mind when she was merely someone you started dating.

 

If your ex told you on your first date that she didn't like you, and didn't want anything more to do with you - would you be here now?

 

If this had happened, you would have turned and never looked back.

 

Be that person, except keep the love you have for her in your pocket in case you someday have a chance to use it.

 

It is mind over matter. We don't mind… They don't matter.

[StandardToaster895]

That was a fantastic reply, thanks.

 

I guess the one last specific question I have is this: Is there any acceptable time to break NC? For example, I would like to send her a birthday card in late September. Is that acceptable? If I don't put anything related to our breakup in the card, is that ok? Would it make it acceptable if I send the card, then reply to none of her messages if she says anything back about it? (i.e. block her number and block her Facebook and her emails?)

[thora-tiki]

Glad I could help.

 

About the birthday card:

Anything you send or write looks like you are bothered and still affected by her, it will let her know she has you dangling by a string. You are calling the shots and making your own choices. When you become unpredictable she will come crawling back to you.

 

She expects you to break no contact, she will sh*t herself when you don't, and if she really loves you, deep down she will be scared you are slipping away.

 

By you not contacting her on her birthday, you will be clearly fixed on her mind. It's really in your best interest to not contact her on her birthday...

 

Only reason for breaking no contact is if you have unfinished business: bills, joint accounts etc. sort it out. Other than that, no, there are no reasons to break no contact.

 

Think about it this way:

With no contact you ask her to leave you alone, and that you will do the same, until you are ready.

 

If you send little greetings here and there, you are sending

«mixed signals».

 

Mixed signals = lies

 

Good for you for blocking her on everything.

 

Muhaha!

 

She broke up with you, you are no longer together, what did she expect you to do?

You are not steak, she can't just order you. Hah!

 

Her evolution is starting, I think that is the reason she wants to meet. She is feeling the loss.

 

Let her feel it. It was a different story when she felt she was in control, holding you both in relationship limbo. This isn't the case anymore.

Now you are in control.

 

She still has to figure out what she wants.

 

No contact will give her, and you, that time.

[StandardToaster895]

Is there a point at which it is acceptable for me to contact her? Or do I have to wait for her to come to me? Also, how do I know that the time is right? How long do I ignore before she gets sick of it? What's the fine line here?

[thora-tiki]

You can contact (call her and ask her out on a short get together) her when you are ready.

 

Are you ready, StandardToaster895?

Ask yourself this question after 1 month, 2 months etc.

 

No, you are not waiting for her to contact you. We'll have none of that, please!

 

You are the one having a time-out, if there is any waiting going on, it is her waiting for you.

 

You ask, when will I know when I am ready?

You'll just know.

Like you know when you were ready to have sex for the first time.

Like you know when it is going to rain.

Like you know when paint is dry.

Like you know when a family member is telling a little white lie.

You just know...

 

I think if you're emotionally ready, you wouldn't be here analyzing and asking all these questions.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is OK to ask, but the questions reveal that you are not ready.

 

When you reconnection, it will be like a new date with a new person, but this can only happen if you really have let the old failed relationship go/die.

 

Let go!

 

And you will be alright either way: she says yes or no, you will feel stronger, and can accept rejection from her.

 

But don't think about reconnecting with the ex. Where do I begin?

It is one of those things that gets easier the less you desire something.

 

Don't think about the ex - its hard, believe me I know - but its a definite must. You must concentrate on yourself.

 

Honestly, if not you will drive yourself into a chaotic cycle, a place where you really don't want to end up.

 

No contact! Just keep the faith and heal yourself and forget about the old failed relationship till you no longer feel this crap you feel.

 

Then everything will look different - and then you decide what to do.

[StandardToaster895]

I'm really hoping that this breakup does more for her than me. Granted I have my own issues, however, she really needs to see some more of the world and get the modern "chick flick romance" and "instant gratification" approach out of her head.

 

Besides, I believe that if she was meant to be in my life, God will usher her back in. Otherwise, oh well!

 

This hasn't and most likely wont happen to me, but as I'm collecting as much information as possible I'd still like to know, what do you do if your ex says in completely unambiguous terms that SHE WANTS YOU BACK.

 

Like I said. Probably not happening to me, but just in case it does down the road, how would anyone respond to this?

 

Also, and this is more likely to happen to me, let's say I feel healed in - eh three months - which is coincidentally the next time I'll have to see her. Do you begin by hanging out and talking as friends again or should I unequivocally ask her out on a first date again?

 

(Of course all the above is hypothetical, but I feel like its worth discussing anyways)

Edited August 10, 2013 by StandardToaster895

[thora-tiki]

You are making the ultimate mistake - looking too far ahead and trying to judge the outcome so you can decide whether to quit or not.

 

No contact is all about you.

 

This is what I do when I have those days:

Shift your focus and say to yourself that all the pain and misery you are feeling right now is part of no contact, it is part of the deal.

 

We don't evolve in the same rate. Usually the ex evolve much slower, since they don't have the same plan, help (like this forum) etc. as we do.

 

Also, If we have rushed no contact, we are back in the same old failed relationship = another go at a dying relationship involving the same two un-evolved people.

 

So let's take our time focusing on us, start thinking and working on YOU!

 

Here are some tips on how to act whilst you are in no contact and if your ex-hole runs into you. These tips can also be used when you might see her in three months:

 

-- Be polite, if she says «hi» say «hi» back, and then move along - if you are at a party or at University, you probably have lots of friends there to talk to, so that shouldn't be a problem.

-- Do NOT get dragged into any deep conversations about anything, with your ex. Just say «I do not want to talk about that».

-- If she won't leave you alone because she is an a**hole or drunk or both... leave.

-- Be prepared for the fact she might try to make you jealous by hanging all over some guy.

-- Don't get drunk, you will be sure to fu*k up if you do that.

-- Smile and have a great time!

-- Don't show her that you are uncomfortable with her in anyway. Keep your head up and ignore her. If she approaches you, brush her off politely.

 

Don't show any emotion. The next time you see her - think of all the pain she put you through without a hint of remorse. She needs to know that you are done putting up with her sh*t and don't have time for it. Later on. When you feel strong enough to reconnect. You can call her to see if she wants to meet for coffee. Until then. No feeling!

 

Also, StandardToaster895, I have to ask, do you really «have» to see her in three months? What is happening in three months?

 

If she tells you «she wants you back»:

Instead of obsessing over what to do when that happens, you need to examine your past relationship to see where it started to fall apart, every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at getting your ex and keeping your ex.

 

No contact is not a 30 or 90 day thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down, and evaluate your emotional state, work on the past problems, and plan for the future... with or without your ex.

 

How will you know you are ready to meet?

When you can call and ask her out for coffee or lunch and she says «no» and you can calmly accept that without panicking. The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «Just Friends Zone», is to use no contact, and stick to it.

[StandardToaster895]

In three months I pretty much will have to see her so it seems wise to be prepared. My class was EXTREMELY small and EXTREMELY close. Think graduating class < 20 people.

 

So we'll be guaranteed to meet up in three months (Thanksgiving Break) and there's like a 99% chance she'll be there. I would avoid her, but I'll be damned if her presence will prevent me from visiting my other friends.

 

And while I know it seems like I am (and probably really am) thinking too far ahead if I've learned anything in life, it's that time passes far faster than you think it will. You blink and -whoosh- it's all gone.

Edited August 11, 2013 by StandardToaster895

[Simon Phoenix]

In three months I pretty much will have to see her so it seems wise to be prepared. My class was EXTREMELY small and EXTREMELY close. Think graduating class < 20 people.

 

So we'll be guaranteed to meet up in three months (Thanksgiving Break) and there's like a 99% chance she'll be there. I would avoid her, but I'll be damned if her presence will prevent me from visiting my other friends.

 

And while I know it seems like I am (and probably really am) thinking too far ahead if I've learned anything in life, it's that time passes far faster than you think it will. You blink and -whoosh- it's all gone.

 

It's August. Think about November when it's November. Get through August, September and October first before even considering that.

[StandardToaster895]

I'm just going to keep this as an running log for myself, just to keep track of what happens. Yesterday, at about 9PM, when I was minding my own goddamn business, she texted me a picture with the caption "new hat :)" and a collage/picture of her in her new hat. Then she said, "And if you have time next week we could have lunch at Panera."

 

Hell, I hate Panera.

 

Goddamn, I thought I had blocked her on my phone, and then I remembered, you can't block numbers on a damn iPhone. Anyways, I wouldn't say my NC is "ruined" it just irritated me last night. I'm doing well enough with the breakup that nothing is upsetting me like it did the first time.

 

Considering last time I spent three days in bed eating pop-tarts, this is a major improvement.

 

I'm feeling real good this morning. Deleted the messages, and texted 10 other people to make up for it.

 

Huzzah!

Edited August 11, 2013 by StandardToaster895

[thora-tiki]

Yay!

You are doing fantastic!

 

Good job deleting her lame text.

And great job texting friends!

 

Ignore her lame attempts to make you break no contact.

 

Your no contact is still intact.

 

This should give you an ego-boost.

Just don't let it go to your head.

 

The reason she sent something so ordinary (and lame) is just to get you to break no contact.

 

If you cave now, she will know without a doubt she still has you.

 

The fact that she is reaching out is a sign that her evolution has begun,

I know it is NOT complete.

 

She'll miss you and wonder about you when she doesn't hear from you.

 

Right now she thinks she has you all figured out. But she is wrong,

so prove it to her by going no contact on her. Hah!

 

Ignore her when she texts you: what's up?, what about that lunch?

Do you like my hat?

 

Then get ready for drama.

 

She'll squirm, and we all need to make some popcorn, because the show is about to start!

 

Huzzah!

[StandardToaster895]

Thora-tiki should I do anything in particular with the drama (i.e. simply ignore it or something else?) or do I need to wait before we discuss specifics.

[thora-tiki]

No, don't do anything. Yes, just ignore the drama when it happens.

 

Come on here and ask for support when, or if, it starts, we are here.

 

I think she's got complacent, and she knows she can have you if she wants and you need to sweep the rug out from under her feet.

 

Carry on enjoying being single, make plans for the week.

 

The only thing you need to do is move on with your life.

 

Take pleasure in knowing she is thinking about you. You were good to her. It is her loss, it truly is.

 

Keep your head up high, and I hope you have a lovely evening!

 

I am off to Bedfordshire, aka my bed.

 

Natta!

[StandardToaster895]

God. Damn. It.

 

Another text message.

 

"Hi I really miss you because I still really value our friendship, have you thought about Lunch?"

 

I know getting irritated this obviously proves I'm not over this breakup (not that anyone would expect me to be already) but still. Our "friendship"?

 

bugger off.

Edited August 11, 2013 by StandardToaster895

[Simon Phoenix]

God. Damn. It.

 

Another text message.

 

"Hi I really miss you because I still really value our friendship, have you thought about Lunch?"

 

I know getting irritated this obviously proves I'm not over this breakup (not that anyone would expect me to be already) but still. Our "friendship"?

 

bugger off.

 

Just ignore. If she keeps harrassing you, then block her number.

[StandardToaster895]

Just ignore. If she keeps harrassing you, then block her number.

 

Trust me I'd do that, but there's one issue. For some unknown reason, you can't block numbers on a frigging iPhone.

[Simon Phoenix]

Trust me I'd do that, but there's one issue. For some unknown reason, you can't block numbers on a frigging iPhone.

 

Ah. Well I guess if she becomes obnoxious, tell her straight and to the point that you need time to yourself and for her to respect your space unless she wants to reconcile (assuming you want that, I have no idea). But besides that, she needs to back off. But I wouldn't do that unless she just starts textbombing you.

[thora-tiki]

Oh boy oh boy!

 

What did I miss?!

 

You have all the answers in that last text, right now all she has to offer is friendship - excuse me while I chuckle.

 

Found this somewhere:

«The are a number of reasons why ex's want to remain friends - mostly selfish:

1. It makes them feel less guilt and better about the whole situation that they weren't bad people in doing what they did, it only HELPS them not us the one's being dumped. Unless you were totally cool with the decision and are happy it's over too - which you're not.

 

2. It is also a sign that they want to keep options open that is keep lines of communication open so that if they change their mind or if things don't work with another they can come back again it helps them.

 

3. It's almost like they want to sample life without you but aren't quite sure about it.

 

4. They may still have feelings for you and are looking at friends first then a possibly reconciliation but they need to be much clearer with you about this before you consider this option as you lose control working on their timetable.

 

5. They are maybe curious about what you are up to so being friends means they can keep an eye on you.»

 

But notice the pattern, StandardToaster895, it's all about them fulfilling a need they have, it's not about you. So it may help her to feel better etc. but it's only going to put you back square one or worse. Tempting though it may be, if you aren't ready don't let her upset your plan!

 

Get annoyed. Every time she pops into your mind, get annoyed, say:

Get the hell out of my mind!

 

Don't let the ex-hole be a squatter in your mind! Hah!

 

You did a BIG thing. You made a bold statement and stood your ground. If you go against your intentions too quickly, she won't hold that in any esteem... believe me.

 

If you are following the same plan as I am, the one with sending the no contact message, this is the time to re-send it. She is pushing you, you need to push back. But not with words, with actions, and the no contact message is the action.

 

You will still have ****ty days... and many good days even though you can't see it now.

 

Stay strong. Do something nice for someone else in your life that needs a hand... get your mind off things... might even lead you to something new...