Unhappy in my marriage.

[HannahRose]

Hannah maybe I was overly harsh but I was deliberately trying to imagine what your husband might be thinking when he was saying or doing some of these things and assuming he's not a completely evil demon! (Because if he's just completely an evil uncaring demon not much you can do about that.)

 

As far as all the affair comments--it just seems like when someone comes to a marital website there is OFTEN "another person" lurking in the wings.

 

I apologize if you are not having an affair and I jumped to a conclusion.

 

BUT--the way you are processing your marriage sounds dangerously like a woman who feels she has no place to turn. That's exactly when the woman will be very receptive to overtures of another man who will slowly weasel their way into your heart and possibly panties too. You think your husband is just uncaring and not listening to you and so someone sympathetic comes along and it is a shoulder to cry on.

 

You said you are on facebook a lot. There are people who go on facebook targeting "lonely housewives". They will ingratiate you, get you to start talking about marital issues, and from that an emotional connection can develop. That's how a lot of affairs get started.

 

Also the part where he threated to hit you even as a "joke" is completely unacceptable.

 

If things have deteriorated to that level where he is threatening to hit you then the marriage must be considered on 9-1-1 emergency status.

 

Good luck because if he won't go to counseling I'm not sure what you can do.

 

** Maybe HE is the one having an affair??? Is it possible he is involved physically or emotionally with someone at work???

 

What I don't really get is how things could have gotten so bad and snuck up on you like this. Is the problem is he is the same as he has always been and you are just now realizing that it's not good enough, or is it he has "changed" in personality?

 

Okay, no problem.

 

Sometimes, I think he is evil, but when we first got together, he was so kind. He's says I made him the way he is now by being mean. I have to admit, I was very stressed. I told him I really shouldn't be in a relationship, but he insisted. I wasn't very nice due to all of the other stress I was dealing with. He was there for me. Then, I guess the stress got to him, and he started changing. He got mean and started name-calling and hurting my feelings. I started putting a wall up so he couldn't hurt me. I had to be tougher than him so he couldn't hurt me. It's a horrible scenario. I hate it. I want it to change. I want that nice man I married, but I think he's long gone.

 

I promise you that I am not having an affair. I am not a liar.

 

I understand what you mean about facebook predators. I deny all their friend requests and have a private profile. I am very aware of this. My husband has my password. We share email accounts. I have nothing to hide.

 

I know it is unacceptable for him to talk to me the way he does. I just don't worry about it because he won't touch me unless I touch him first. I slapped him once (years ago) and found that out. He said not to touch him like that unless I want to get it back. I don't. He doesn't.

 

I don't get it, either. It snuck up and didn't. When so much was going on, I could feel things changing, but I was too busy to do anything about it. It's like I woke up one day, and was shocked to see how awful our marriage is. It's so sad and I wish I could change it, but I don't see how.

 

As far as him having an affair, I have always been afraid of that (my dad cheated on my mom), but I don't think he ever has. My mom says she has a radar for that, and doesn't think he's a cheater. At this point, I would say no. He doesn't hide stuff from me. I can look through his stuff and he doesn't care. We don't care if the other one snoops through belongings. If I want proof of anything, he provides it. Unless I am very fooled, I don't think so.

[HannahRose]

ouch, you really hate the original poster don't you. It's as if you can relate to her looser husband or something.

 

Kinda wondering why the animosity. Wondered if it was my husband!

[HannahRose]

yes He is acting like he doesn't understand. He understands full well. Not getting "it" is another way to make you question yourself where he never has to do anything and can keep you in your place.

 

Read the book. And all you can really do is change yourself and your life. Often it only takes one to get the ball rolling. Be social, see your friends, get a baby sitter, get out. Stop buying into his crap, he can't make you take the bait.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. Really needing it right now!

[oldshirt]

................ cont'd.

 

 

Otherwise, I think your best course of action here is to really reexamine your beliefs on divorce and life after divorce. As was previously mentioned, there are a lot of other valid reasons to divorce other than adultery.

 

Unlike a lot of the church ladies and moralists, I believe that just a general, unrelenting and unapologetic contempt, disrespect and lack of compassionate regard for each other IS legitimate grounds for divorce.

 

Here's the thing, he sounds like he has to be about as miserable and dissatisfied as you are. That means you have something in common. Maybe you can work with that.

 

The big catch here is getting his attention enough that he can actually "HEAR" you and understand your dissatisfaction. And you need to be able to actually "hear" his dissatisfactions and his wants and needs too.

 

Both of you are yelling and screaming as loud as you can but it's not getting through to the other.

 

IMHO I think the only way you both are going to get the other's attention and take each other seriously and both of you seriously address your marital issues is to pursue divorce and for both of you to seriously take a look at it as a true, viable option.

 

I think you should reexamine your core beliefs on divorce and look at it as a means of salvaging the rest of your life and the possibility of making a happy and healthy life for yourself on your own without him.

 

What would it take for you to leave him, take control and responsibility of your own life and your own happiness? Would you need a job? An education? A new home? Some new hobbies and activities? New Friends? Old friends? etc etc

 

Then start making forward steps towards that life. Get out and get a job, start squirreling away money, make some friends, take up some activities.

 

See a lawyer/accountant and start coming up with a divorce plan and researching settlement possibilities. Get realistic and reasonable expectations from your lawyer on what your post-divorce legal and financial and childcare life will look like.

 

WILL THAT POST-DIVORCE LIFE LOOK BETTER OR WORSE THAN IT DOES NOW?

 

If it looks better then start moving forward with the divorce plans. One of two things will happen. One is your husband will finally hear you and address the issues and make positive steps towards making your marriage better and it will be enough to get you to stay and work on it too.

 

The other possibility is he agrees post divorce life will be better for him too and he will also works towards making it a fair and amicable divorce.

 

On the other hand if you believe that your post-divorce life looks worse than what life is now, you may still need to move out and file on him to get him to hear you. And it may take going to that level to get you to really examine your options and for you to be able to hear him as well.

 

From a disinterested 3rd party perspective, I simply see you two as just coexisting under the same roof but with no mutual warmth, affection, desire, intimacy, passion or respect and compassion. I can't believe that that is anything that either of you signed up for.

 

Both of you have to be miserable and completely unsatisfied with the current status quo. The problem is you are in such a rut that the status quo is going to have to be disrupted to get each of you to step up to the plate to address it. Your common misery is your common ground. You two need to come together to either work this out and have a healthy and somewhat happy marriage. And you would also have to work together in order for both of you to move on in a divorce with as minimal pain and damage as possible.

 

The catch is you are going to have to nuke this dysfunctional, mutually disparaging stalemate from orbit in order to get out of the quagmire and be able to move in either direction.

[HannahRose]

ouch, you really hate the original poster don't you. It's as if you can relate to her looser husband or something.

 

Just saw the rest of your post in bold and I agree with you. I felt like we kinda traded chores with him cooking and me doing his chores. I thought that was a fair deal.

 

I don't know if he just hates me or is just angry. I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't be looking for help. I have been saying the same things for years. The same issues, I have talked to him about until I just can't talk anymore. If I hear him ask me one more time what is wrong and then after telling him, he says so it's because of some made up reason he came up with, I'm going to run down the street screaming. Not really, but that's how frustrating it is. I'm just tired. I'm worn down. I want help.

[oldshirt]

That's so nice. Thank you!

 

 

Uncool needs to correct me if I am wrong but I have the feeling he was being sarcastic and that was not a compliment.

[HannahRose]

I get the gut feeling you are mostly just venting and belching out one big victim puke here as opposed to actually looking for any nuts and bolts advice on what to do. That's ok. we all need to puke now and then:sick:

 

I also get the feeling that you are hoping there is something that can be done to change him and turn him into your dream man. I'm afraid that's not part of the real universe either.

 

The first question I have here is have you two ever had attraction, desire and mutual respect and admiration for each other? Honest question. Did you used to have a burning desire for each other and craved being together all the time and had a mutual respect, compassion and admiration for each other that has faded away over time??

 

Or have you both always found the other lacking in many of the traits and qualities that you wanted in a spouse but "settled" for each other as you each thought the other would somehow magically fill a void and you each thought the other was as good as you were going to get??

 

Address that question and maybe there is something we can actually grasp on to and work with..........

 

LOL. I am definitely venting and definitely looking for help, if that is okay.

 

I know this is going to sound completely corny, but he was my dream man. When we first got together, I thought he was absolutely perfect, flaws and all. We just clicked. He says he felt the same way. We loved each other and were shocked to have such a wonderful relationship. Looking back, it honestly seems like it was a dream to me.

 

We did have respect for each other and loved spending all of our time together. Stress has changed that. My ex husband made things very, very difficult for us early in our marriage (and still does). I had a very hard time dealing with all the stress and developed these strange fears. When I feel relaxed, I am not afraid anymore. Buy, mostly, I'm afraid. It's awful.

 

Even now, I still love him. If he stayed obese the rest of his life, I would not leave him for that reason. I'll only leave him if he cheats. I would prefer for him to lose weight because, like I said earlier, he's hot. I've never seen anyone better looking in my entire life than him. As far as his perspective, he says the same about me. I feel like we were well matched, looks wise (not to be conceited) and he says the same.

 

We just do not get along. I don't know how to stop the horrible cycle we have gotten into. We'll talk about it, come up with a conclusion like we are not going to call names and have attitude. Then, the second he gets pissed (which is quite often) he'll call me a name and then I'll say, "Well, f you then."

[uncool]

Uncool needs to correct me if I am wrong but I have the feeling he was being sarcastic and that was not a compliment.

 

I'm serious.

[HannahRose]

................ cont'd.

 

 

Otherwise, I think your best course of action here is to really reexamine your beliefs on divorce and life after divorce. As was previously mentioned, there are a lot of other valid reasons to divorce other than adultery.

 

Unlike a lot of the church ladies and moralists, I believe that just a general, unrelenting and unapologetic contempt, disrespect and lack of compassionate regard for each other IS legitimate grounds for divorce.

 

Here's the thing, he sounds like he has to be about as miserable and dissatisfied as you are. That means you have something in common. Maybe you can work with that.

 

The big catch here is getting his attention enough that he can actually "HEAR" you and understand your dissatisfaction. And you need to be able to actually "hear" his dissatisfactions and his wants and needs too.

 

Both of you are yelling and screaming as loud as you can but it's not getting through to the other.

 

IMHO I think the only way you both are going to get the other's attention and take each other seriously and both of you seriously address your marital issues is to pursue divorce and for both of you to seriously take a look at it as a true, viable option.

 

I think you should reexamine your core beliefs on divorce and look at it as a means of salvaging the rest of your life and the possibility of making a happy and healthy life for yourself on your own without him.

 

What would it take for you to leave him, take control and responsibility of your own life and your own happiness? Would you need a job? An education? A new home? Some new hobbies and activities? New Friends? Old friends? etc etc

 

Then start making forward steps towards that life. Get out and get a job, start squirreling away money, make some friends, take up some activities.

 

See a lawyer/accountant and start coming up with a divorce plan and researching settlement possibilities. Get realistic and reasonable expectations from your lawyer on what your post-divorce legal and financial and childcare life will look like.

 

WILL THAT POST-DIVORCE LIFE LOOK BETTER OR WORSE THAN IT DOES NOW?

 

If it looks better then start moving forward with the divorce plans. One of two things will happen. One is your husband will finally hear you and address the issues and make positive steps towards making your marriage better and it will be enough to get you to stay and work on it too.

 

The other possibility is he agrees post divorce life will be better for him too and he will also works towards making it a fair and amicable divorce.

 

On the other hand if you believe that your post-divorce life looks worse than what life is now, you may still need to move out and file on him to get him to hear you. And it may take going to that level to get you to really examine your options and for you to be able to hear him as well.

 

From a disinterested 3rd party perspective, I simply see you two as just coexisting under the same roof but with no mutual warmth, affection, desire, intimacy, passion or respect and compassion. I can't believe that that is anything that either of you signed up for.

 

Both of you have to be miserable and completely unsatisfied with the current status quo. The problem is you are in such a rut that the status quo is going to have to be disrupted to get each of you to step up to the plate to address it. Your common misery is your common ground. You two need to come together to either work this out and have a healthy and somewhat happy marriage. And you would also have to work together in order for both of you to move on in a divorce with as minimal pain and damage as possible.

 

The catch is you are going to have to nuke this dysfunctional, mutually disparaging stalemate from orbit in order to get out of the quagmire and be able to move in either direction.

 

I'm going to have to really think about all of this. We are definitely both miserable and unsatisfied with the relationship. I feel like it is useless to talk it out because he doesn't follow through with the solutions we come up with. As much as I hate it, the only relief might be divorce. I'm just not sure there really is anything else I can do, unfortunately. It would be difficult for me to walk away, financially, and he knows this and has said as much. He says I'm not going anywhere because I need him. That's why he isn't worried at all.

[oldshirt]

. He says I'm not going anywhere because I need him. That's why he isn't worried at all.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS IS THE VERY CORE OF YOUR PROBLEM^^^^^

 

 

The very root of your problem is rightly or wrongly he believes that you really DO need him and that you will stay no matter how much of a slacker he is and no matter with how much disregard he treats you.....And you still have sex with him when he initiates.

 

Our grandmothers used to call this, "using you and taking you for granted."

 

Seriously, why should he change????? He has your body to masturbate with when he feels like it, and as long as he can tolerate your whining and bitching you just suck it up and take it when he treats you disrespectfully and you still around and keep putting out even when he does nothing to please you or make you happy or for your benefit.

 

This is EXACTLY the reason I posted what I did. If you want a happy and healthy marriage one of two things are going to have to happen. Behind Door #1 is something shakes up the very foundation of your marriage (ie realistic and legitimate threat of divorce, or you no longer having any sex with him, or one of you having an affair) to make you both take the situation seriously and both of you deciding to put forth the work and effort to fix it.

 

Or behind Door #2 you leave him and find someone else.

 

He is deaf to your complaints and unconcerned with your dissatisfactions because he knows you will stick around and be a sperm depository for him regardless of how neglectful and inconsiderate he treats you. And the reason he is those things is because you have trained and conditioned him to believe that.

 

It will take a major force to wake him (and you) up from his/your fog.

[oldshirt]

I'm serious.

 

Ok I stand corrected then. I misinterpreted your post. It won't let me delete my earlier post.

[uncool]

Ok I stand corrected then. I misinterpreted your post. It won't let me delete my earlier post.

 

all good bro! no worries

[oldshirt]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS IS THE VERY CORE OF YOUR PROBLEM^^^^^

 

 

The very root of your problem is rightly or wrongly he believes that you really DO need him and that you will stay no matter how much of a slacker he is and no matter with how much disregard he treats you.....And you still have sex with him when he initiates.

 

Our grandmothers used to call this, "using you and taking you for granted."

.

 

And this is why for the last 30-40 years, mothers and grandmothers have been admonishing their girls to get educations and their own careers and be able to take care of themselves and take care of their own matters.

 

It's one thing to choose to be with someone because you want to and they are good fit for you. It is something completely different to "NEED" someone.

 

"Want" fosters an environment of mutual compassion, respect and waking up every day knowing that you have to actually perform and work with someone in order for them to want to be with you.

 

"NEED" and dependence can at times foster an attitude of entitlement, neglect and disrespect if there is a significant imbalance of power. (this applies to both men and women)

 

Here is the formula that women have been using for the last several decades (and perhaps for thousands of years) to deal with being taken for granted and having their needs neglected.

 

- Cut off his supply of warmth, affection and sexuality.

 

- Get your own job/career and start saving up $$$ and managing your own personal finances.

 

- Get out of the house and start reconnecting with old friends and family and start making some new friends and start networking to develop a support system outside of the home that will be there for you when the time to leave comes.

 

- Get out and engage in some personal interests/hobbies outside of the home and family to develop yourself beyond a mother and sperm bank for your husband.

 

- Start taking care of yourself better physically, mentally and spiritually. Eat right, exercise, sleep and start dressing and styling better.

 

- Start checking out what else is out there on the dating market.

 

 

Once you have developed those things to the degree that life outside your current home start looking better and more viable than your current home life, Drop the bomb on your husband and clearly state your needs and clearly state your intensions on what you will do if those needs are not met.

 

If those needs are met (BY ACTION AND DEED and not just words) then you can decide if you want to stay or not.

 

If your needs are not met, then move on to your next life.

[justpassingthrough]

He is deaf to your complaints and unconcerned with your dissatisfactions because he knows you will stick around and be a sperm depository for him regardless of how neglectful and inconsiderate he treats you. And the reason he is those things is because you have trained and conditioned him to believe that.

 

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

 

Your "husband" does what he does because you rewarded - and continue to reward - his negative behavior. Keep your panties on and stop rewarding him for being a dick.

[HannahRose]

This is basically saying that your husband was fine until he married you and prolonged exposure to being in a relationship with you warped him.

 

But of course it's still all his fault since you warned him you were not fit to be in a relationship with him.

 

Since he was stupid and/or lovestruck enough to ignore your warning--probably a white knight type who thought he could "save" you-- you proceeded to stick it to him and dial up the "crazy" until he went crazy too.

 

"The stress got to him"--you mean the stress of YOU and whatever baggage you brought with you, right?

 

You actually turned your second husband into an abuser. Is that about what happened in your first marriage, too?

 

You clearly don't want it to change since you caused it. You need it. You can't function in a normal relationship. You said so yourself--you even WARNED your husband about it.

 

"I had to be tougher than him so he couldn't hurt me"--translation is you were a crazy biotch to begin with and when he finally figured that out and stopped being such a a nice guy and started "fighting back" to save his own sanity you amped up the crazy even more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So you're physically abusive too and when that happened, when you hit him--and let's be honest, it wasn't just a little playful slap, was it?--that's when it finally dawned on him to his horror who he had actually married.

 

So what happened in your first marriage? Did you take a poke at husband no. 1 and then he beat the crap out of you? Please don't claim husband no. 2 is the first partner you ever physically abused.

 

Do you hit your kids too? I'll bet you do.

 

 

 

 

Bull. You KNEW you were unfit for marriage not just to this husband but to ANYONE. YOU TOLD HIM SO. But he was blinded to that reality so you went ahead with it because you needed a stepdad for your kid. And you were running away from the chaos of your first marriage too. You KNEW things were going to turn out bad. You WARNED him.

 

Your post is so hurtful and offensive, I can't even believe you had the nerve to post such a thing. Way to go, big, bad man on the internet. You would NEVER say such a thing to my face if you knew me. How horrible! You lost all credibility with this post. I was actually listening to a lot of what you said prior to this. The slap you referenced was playful. How dare you accuse me of abusing the man who terribly abused me and put me through so much hell I never wanted to get married again and have a hard time trusting anyone, and even worse HOW DARE YOU accuse me of hurting my children! You don't know a thing about me! I never even spank my kids! You don't know what you are talking about. You read a few posts and summed me all up but you are now so far off the mark it isn't even funny. You are a terrible, terrible person. I have nothing more to say to you. Please leave me alone.

Edited August 12, 2013 by HannahRose

[HannahRose]

Everyone else, due to NYCCat's last post, I no longer feel safe asking for advice here. However, I want to thank you for the advice you gave me. I really appreciate it. DH and I had a very long talk about our issues. We both discussed the things that we have done to hurt each other and how we can change both of our behaviors. Thanks, again.

[HannahRose]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defamation Edited August 12, 2013 by HannahRose

[HannahRose]

NYC Cat. This is the OPs husband. I didn't want to make a profile and post on here because I know how passionate people can be about their opinions especially during debates so this will be my only post. Saying my wife is a abusive is going too far. She isn't a cheater or an abuser and she works hard to take care of her family. I understand you are trying to stand up for the guys but false accusations aren't helping anything and only make situations worse. My wife went through hell in her first marriage/divorce and I witnessed the abuse when I met her. Thanks to everyone who tried to look at the situation objectively and gave solid advice. My wife isn't perfect but neither am I. I know we can work through everything and come out better than we have been.

[HannahRose]

Maybe "we're" both crazy trolls looking for drama. Is there really one of us? Two? Were we serious? Or just made the whole thing up for kicks? Did we do it out of boredom? Or because of craziness? You be the judge! It's your story! Or is it ours? Or mine? My wife's? My husband's? WHO THE BLEEP AM I?! You've provided loads of entertainment. Thank you and goodnight.

[HannahRose]

Let's make a psychological thriller. We'll call it, "The Story of HannahRose's Husband." or do you prefer "The Story of HannahRose's Fat Husband"? "Ogre Husband?" "The Story of the Fat Ogre's Wife?"

Edited August 12, 2013 by HannahRose