Broken heart, Broken sex drive

[Kant]

I broke up over a year ago, we were together for almost 4 years and I just hurt and yes I still love him. I've tried doing what all the books/mothers/friends have suggested to move forward. The biggest problem is not finding new people, i've been dating and going out "getting on with it", the biggest problem is just feeling 'attracted', I can't find chemistry with anyone even when they feel it. I also can't seem to get sexually excited about any of them.

 

The problem is more then just one of frustration, its altered how I see my self. I have always seen my self as a very sexual and a sexually liberated woman I have always loved sex. I also just assumed if you bump the bits together you inevitably going to enjoy it, you find someone you get along well with and the sex just comes naturally. I'm was wrong. Its not that I don't want sex or gratification I just don't want it with any individual person. I feel almost asexual, for all the flirting and attention i've had I can't re-spark that feeling of really really wanting someone. Forget "I want to rip his shirt of with my teeth", I can't even get to "that could be fun".

 

What is wrong and why can't I get passed this? I had an amazing sex life now the only thing that give me any satisfaction is 'alone time". I can't move on while this is the case - I don't 'need' a boyfriend, but sex was a wonderful enjoyable part of my life that I can no longer enjoy and its devastating.

[Waynester]

I think the answer lies in what you said at the beginning, you are still in love with your ex.

Your heart, mind & body still want him, so of course you have found it difficult to move on.

Unfortunately, us much as you don't want to..you must find a way to move on. Your past is affecting your future, until you can say goodbye..get closure, this will continue to affect your potential to meet somebody new, fall in love again...have that great sex!

Without sounding crass..& I apologise for the question, but..in your 'alone time' who or what is on your mind..I'm guessing your ex still?

Why do you think you have been unable to move on from your ex after 1 year+?

Do you still see him around? Are you still in some sort of contact with him..text, email etc?

I really feel that once you let him go..from your heart, you can get on with your life.

Its a big world out there..full of potential!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I broke up over a year ago, we were together for almost 4 years and I just hurt and yes I still love him. I've tried doing what all the books/mothers/friends have suggested to move forward. The biggest problem is not finding new people, i've been dating and going out "getting on with it", the biggest problem is just feeling 'attracted', I can't find chemistry with anyone even when they feel it. I also can't seem to get sexually excited about any of them.

 

The problem is more then just one of frustration, its altered how I see my self. I have always seen my self as a very sexual and a sexually liberated woman I have always loved sex. I also just assumed if you bump the bits together you inevitably going to enjoy it, you find someone you get along well with and the sex just comes naturally. I'm was wrong. Its not that I don't want sex or gratification I just don't want it with any individual person. I feel almost asexual, for all the flirting and attention i've had I can't re-spark that feeling of really really wanting someone. Forget "I want to rip his shirt of with my teeth", I can't even get to "that could be fun".

 

What is wrong and why can't I get passed this? I had an amazing sex life now the only thing that give me any satisfaction is 'alone time". I can't move on while this is the case - I don't 'need' a boyfriend, but sex was a wonderful enjoyable part of my life that I can no longer enjoy and its devastating.

 

 

 

Yes, this all sounds 'above the neck'...

 

I think it has something to do with women tending to give much, much more of themselves to that first, major relationship, than men tend to give.

 

It makes perfect sense that you wanted to keep giving and applying yourself to one relationship, for the rest of a lifetime. People spend far too much time (sifting through often-meaningless data, seeking the reasons why they should select (this) one individual ) than they do applying themselves to the partner they chose.

 

So what's a girl to do when she wanted the fairytale the first time around, and she considered and considered who to have as a partner, while the still random individual she selected set his sights on her because she had shoulder length brown & curly hair, blue eyes, and a great rack (or whatever!!). Then, that same partner showed very little effort toward making the resultant relationship truly important to him... and after X amount of that, various effects of such apathy brought about their split.

 

This leaves the girl sort of scared to show her vulnerability again... at least very soon... and perhaps she is unable to show it to the full extent of which she was capable before.

 

So of course some will offer that time is what you need... which is true... but keep reminding yourself that during that time you will put mental distance between yourself and the failure you felt... and you will regain some of your ability to show and share the vulnerability which can be so rewarding.

 

Eventually, (and maybe it will take a guy showing interest in you, first)... something will cause you to move nearer to the seeming slide (think of the one on the playground) which causes two willing individuals who move anywhere near to it, to have a fairly easy time letting the whole thing snowball in a positive way toward a shared future.

 

 

The physical particulars of the individual don't matter near as much as society likes to think - some just want to feel they have something of a hand in their own selection process. (and yeah, there is the reproductive instinct deep within all of us, urging us to go for the looker)

 

 

Both your hurdle and your barrier entail you better focusing on the really big picture, and understanding that it is your own ability to be vulnerable in front of somebody which will bring the height of your future joy, and that the optimum means for those experiences lies in targeting prospects of your gender of preference who demonstrate a will and a comfort with being vulnerable right along with you (and TO you).

 

Again, time will make this seem less 'major'... and you will indeed slowly go through all of those motions again.

 

It is fair and possible that "a little over a year" just hasn't been enough recovery time for you. It hurts because you were so effective in going through all of the right (psychological) motions. But just in Algebra - the other person ("X") was a complete variable over which you could never have had enough control.