MM saying they will not cheat because that is what their father did to their mother?

[LimeBlue]

This post is spurred from something Misadventure said in her thread, and some other posters reiterated that their H had said the same. That is, their H said, and I quote from Misadventure: "he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother" - so the H is saying he would never cheat because his father cheated on his mother.

 

I suddenly see red flags all over the place, because my H is forever harping on about this - that he will never cheat because his father cheated on his mother and left for his AP.

 

I thought it was just my H that said this, but from reading the other thread I am wrong because many other woman have been told this from their H, and those H ended up cheating.

 

Thoughts?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

This post is spurred from something Misadventure said in her thread, and some other posters reiterated that their H had said the same. That is, their H said, and I quote from Misadventure: "he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother" - so the H is saying he would never cheat because his father cheated on his mother.

 

I suddenly see red flags all over the place, because my H is forever harping on about this - that he will never cheat because his father cheated on his mother and left for his AP.

 

I thought it was just my H that said this, but from reading the other thread I am wrong because many other woman have been told this from their H, and those H ended up cheating.

 

Thoughts?

 

My nieces husband was destroyed by his fathers cheating. Told her he would never cheat. But he did. This sounds common from what I have read.

[findingnemo]

My father has never cheated on my mother. His father cheated constantly on his mother. We believe that because my father was one of the youngest kids he was very affected by the cheating and must have decided it was a bad thing. My father and mother have been M for 40 years now.

 

I have never heard that my Dad said he would never cheat. He has a couple of brothers who are just like him. And they never declare that they would never cheat. On the other hand, the other brothers (my grandparents were stars - had 16 kids with 3 sets of twins) constantly cheat and they are always declaring how they would not do that to their Ws.

 

My point is any person who feels the need to say they won't do something all the time is probably considering doing it...or worse. They are doing it. I am sure psychology has a name for the phenomenon.

[Betterthanthis13]

This post is spurred from something Misadventure said in her thread, and some other posters reiterated that their H had said the same. That is, their H said, and I quote from Misadventure: "he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother" - so the H is saying he would never cheat because his father cheated on his mother.

 

I suddenly see red flags all over the place, because my H is forever harping on about this - that he will never cheat because his father cheated on his mother and left for his AP.

 

I thought it was just my H that said this, but from reading the other thread I am wrong because many other woman have been told this from their H, and those H ended up cheating.

 

Thoughts?

 

Does he have any other reasons why he thinks cheating is a bad decision, besides the pain it caused his family growing up?

 

My observation is that people who are consistently faithful long term despite almost any circumstances have one of two things in common- they either have an internal value system based on honesty that they truly believe in and try to live by every day, that is based on premeditated critical thinking and a desire to achieve happiness without hurting others. OR, they have zero opportunity.

 

 

What I am saying is that your H and any other person who bases their belief that they are immune to cheating because they witnessed pain from cheating, is relying on a weak rule.

 

This does not mean that he WILL cheat- it just means that he is more vulnerable to it, and may want to take some time and come up with some additional reasons WHY he thinks cheating is a bad choice. To protect himself and your marriage- kind of like buying insurance.

 

It's like- I had a family member who had a food addiction, and saw them go through a lot of pain and suffering when I was growing up (my grandfather had both his legs amputated because of diabetes that was brought on by obesity)

And I said to myself- "I will never get obese because I saw what happened to my grandpa"

 

That's not really a strong enough argument to keep me from overeating. Food is tempting and delicious, and I am an emotional eater. Sometimes my decisions go out the window and grandpa is the last thing on my mind when I'm upset and want food.

 

On the other hand, if I said:

"I saw what happened to my grandpa. I never want to go through that. I am going to learn as much as I can about nutrition and exercise, and get regular checkups at the doctor to keep an eye on my weight so I am accountable to someone, and also to regularly check my blood sugar since there is a family history of diabetes. I am going to be honest with myself by keeping a food journal and finding a workout buddy. Each year I am going to set a new health goal for diet and exercise and monitor my own progress. This is my life and I want to stay healthy. I know I am an emotional eater just like everyone else in my family so I am going to research ways to help with that and adopt one strategy per month until something starts working. I also am going to take a no nonsense approach with my family of enablers who would like nothing more than for me to be a size 50 and commiserate with them"

 

Neither strategy is FOOLPROOF for preventing diabetes, but the second one is much more reliable.

 

I hope my analogy made sense, sorry I can be a bit wordy

[LimeBlue]

My point is any person who feels the need to say they won't do something all the time is probably considering doing it...or worse. They are doing it. I am sure psychology has a name for the phenomenon.

 

Being married to someone who is a chief gaslighter, I am finally starting to see through it - and what you say here is finally exactly what I am realizing... Looking back over the years, I think he already has done it. But at the time, I was so brain washed into believing "he would not cheat because his father did" that I never saw through it.

[LimeBlue]

Does he have any other reasons why he thinks cheating is a bad decision, besides the pain it caused his family growing up?

 

My observation is that people who are consistently faithful long term despite almost any circumstances have one of two things in common- they either have an internal value system based on honesty that they truly believe in and try to live by every day, that is based on premeditated critical thinking and a desire to achieve happiness without hurting others. OR, they have zero opportunity.

 

What I am saying is that your H and any other person who bases their belief that they are immune to cheating because they witnessed pain from cheating, is relying on a weak rule.

 

I hope my analogy made sense, sorry I can be a bit wordy

 

No, that is all he has ever said about cheating - that he will not do it because his father did. Never anything about the chaos it causes along the way.

 

Some years ago, long before I had my A, we got into a fight and because he had been so distant and hardly ever home, I blurted out "are you having an affair?". His reply was to storm off to his computer and say "why do you keep bringing up the affair". I was shocked because I had never mentioned an A before, nor had I asked him before, and most of all I remember thinking WHAT AFFAIR is he talking about? But back then I was young, stupid, no self insight, no confidence, and I was not in a position to challenge him. But now I do wonder what on earth that meant?

 

I enjoyed your food analogy. It makes a lot of sense when put that way, and I believe now that when he says such arbitrary things that I am actually being gaslighted.

[Quiet Storm]

Its because although we may hate parts of our parents, we often repeat history.

 

If our parents do not model good coping skills- if they cope with problems by having an affair, substance abuse, uncontrolled anger, lying, detatchment, etc.- we are more likely to cope in the same way. They don't know how handle conflict or problems in a healthy way. People aren't born with good coping skills. We learn them from our parents.

 

There is truth to the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree".

 

Some people overcome this by self awareness and introspection. Others are successful with counseling. Some keep repeating history and shape the next generation of addicts, cheaters, liars by modeling unhealthy ways to cope.

[Quiet Storm]

Deleting double post

[Trimmer]

What I am saying is that your H and any other person who bases their belief that they are immune to cheating because they witnessed pain from cheating, is relying on a weak rule.

I find that a very compelling point. Well said.