I'd cuss but it'd be a waste of time. I need advice

[Carson34]

Hello Everyone

I am here for help and advice!

on 10/6/04 I found out that my mate of 7yrs has been involved in an affair for the last year and a half.

We have 2 children aged 4 & 5, they are beautiful.

Hmmmm.....

Ok.... My sig other is a guitarist. He spends a great deal of time out of the house practicing and playing gigs. Three years ago when he was between projects we met a girl who claimed to be a singer and keyboardist. The first time I met this woman the lady whose house the jam session was at told me flat out to watch out for her because she was a home wrecker and just plain bad news.

Some time passed as sig other found a different project to be involved in. YAY. He played with several groups. The girl (to be kind), showed up at quite a few of his gigs to watch and/or sit in if possible. It always distressed me when I would see her at or hear about her being at the gigs but I chalked it up to irrational silliness. Lo. Back then I was my mothers' caregiver after her brain aneurism (sp sorry), and was beginning graduate school, so I had less time than ever to go out to all of his gigs and play the supportive mate.

Time passed, and again he was looking for a project to be involved with. Lo. Whiz bang! Out of nowhere she is looking to form a band. So surprised. NOT. Despite my personal reservations and my rather vocal requests that he avoid playing with her ... Sig other joined the group. They were only really doing free gigs. Battles of the bands and such.

Anyone who doesn't know should know that doing graduate school is incredibly hard, stressful and exhausting. Even without kids several of my collegues have dropped out of the program. After a year and a half of studies, I started having to sleep on the couch and or the floor to keep up with the class work. Then my mother was cleared for independent living again and I lost my job.

My sig other was always running out the door to gigs and practices with the girl, etc. Often by the time he got home I had passed out in one book or another. Nietzche is great for that. Sigh. Well eventually the band he was in broke up, because of artistic differences and the fact that they couldn't get any paying gigs.

During that time I went on anti-depressants cuz I just couldn't concentrate to save my life. Being in grad school and trying to run a house (or two). Keep the babies under control and all that is way hard. Sig other was on disablity after a back injury 3 yrs before, so he did watch the kids while I was in classes (isn't he great).

Ok ok ok.

So a year and a half have passed since then and sig other has been a straight up jerk most of the time. Mean name calling and all that rap. Our financial stuff has gone to *(*& and I have a thesis to write. Sigh.

Now, on 10/6/04 the girl (who I hate with a passion) calls and says that I have to listen to some messages on her message service. I take the info and dial the numbers...de ta de. Lo there is sig other saying how torn up 'this' is making him, how come she isn't returning his calls, and addressing her genitals. Can you say thunderstruck?

Ok, so I confronted him about it...he denied it some more (as he had for months and months everytime I asked if he had seen her). Until I quoted the messages verbatim to him.

I've been trying to be good for a month now...started counciling etc. Trying to attend my classes and get my kids to school and all that. I've also been trying to talk thru the anatomy of the affair with him and get the relvant information. Road blocks everywhere. I should get over it you know.

So he had another free gig with another project and there were promoters there...it was a halloween celebration etc...the band had already played 3 sets when I started getting nutty and couldn't handle the atmosphere anymore. I had to leave the party just get away from all the cheap girls and the drunken stupidity. I told sig other that I wanted to go...but he wasn't ready to leave the party. So, I took off walking. Crying. Did he follow me? NO! I got to a place where there was a freeway bridge, and I was mesmerized by the traffic...god I wanted to jump. Then I thought about my kids. Well, I walked back to the party. Tried to call my dad for a ride, he was sleeping or something. So, after an argument with sig other (on break), I was allowed to get into the van and sit until he was ready to go home. They played for another two hours while I sat and froze in the car...but that's ok right.

 

A week went by, he was sitting at the kitchen table going get over it and I was asking him who would arrange their get togethers, again, and he finally admitted that he would call her and just show up at her place. A TRUTH!!!!!! I lost it screamed at him, punched my son's bunk beds until my knuckles bled, and then demanded his cell phone cuz she had the new number after I had had it changed. He wouldn't give it to me. Big surprise right. Well, I freakkkked out harcore and grabbed a kitchen knife, and held it above my head hairy kary style (I'm so not stupid enough to do it). He wrestled the knife away...called the cops and had me sent to the mental ward. Great huh?

 

Well, it's been a week since that I've been to two sessions of councilling and figured out that I need to just take care of my own business and watch to see if he takes any responsibilty in trying to work anything out.

Well, last nite was awful...I woke up about twenty times with bad dreams of him bopping the little (*&(*& and then a really graphic one of me getting back my positive HIV results.

 

I went to the county health today and had my std screening taken...I got three diseases now...one permanent. By the time I got home he'd dissapeared to go to yet another free gig. When I woke up at three am the kids car seats were in the living room, apparently it's over...

WHAT SAY YOU ALL?

[tiki]

It sounds to me like your marriage has been over for quite some time. I'm sorry for your pain that you're having, but you've got to move on. This (obviously) isn't a healthy way to live. You're contemplating suicide, hitting things, hurting yourself and acting totally irrational. You see, you've let him get the best of you.

 

You take your three kids and leave. Go stay with your parents. Continue the counseling - don't ever stop that!

 

You deserve a better way of life. It's your job to get up off your a$$ and find it for yourself. You can't depend on anyone else to do this, especially not this loser.

 

Take a semester off from college. You need to reorganize your life. Start today.

[EC]

You take your three kids and leave. Go stay with your parents. Continue the counseling - don't ever stop that!

 

 

I agree...I think too much is happening in your life right now and you need a little break. A breather. You sound like your having a mental breakdown in your post.

 

I agree with the fact that you should take a semester off of school. School is hard enough without having to balance kids and a husband/affair.

 

I mean I still don't understand how you have done it this far without going insane.

 

You need to really think about your kids right now. They need there mommy. Stop worrying about that looser. Because that is exactly what he sounds like a looser and get your life back on track.

[VivianLee]

You've been through alot, I don't know how you've done it all!!

 

You are married to a child. Stop being his mother. You don't need this!!

 

It's time for SELF-PRESERVATION to kick in! It's not about him anymore and all his baggage and looser problems, it's about you and your kids.

 

As you were told, take time off this next quarter, get this mess straightened out. You need a partner in life not a child to babysit. Also, I've heard it's hard being married to someone in a band, even guys with good self-esteem get in all kinds of trouble with groupies and such. I don't think you want that life and besides, you are dealing with those groupies and he's NOT EVEN bringing in millions!

 

I know he's the father of your children and you love him but the children and your mental health is more important. Don't waste anymore time on someone that doesn't love you or care about your well-being.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this BUT you can make it through AND it won't be long and you'll have finished graduate school and have moved on to a better place in your life (especially since he's gone!!).

 

Do you have friends and family that can give you support (not just financially)? You need to find a good lawyer, some will not ask for money till things are settled.

 

SELF-PRESERVATION! No one is going to take care of you in this relationship so take care of yourself!!

 

Take care!!

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know how hard it is. I agree w/ all the other posters. Your children need you right now. Continue w/ counseling for as long as you need and take a break from school. When I found out about my dh's affair during our seperation I quit my job and moved back to my hometown where my family was for the support. I took the whole summer off to be w/ my children. I couldn't go back to work until I was ready to. GL!!!

[Mr Spock]

And the moral of the story is .........DON'T DATE MUSICIANS. I could have told you that though.

 

 

Now, I'm afraid I have to say this, but smarten the f*ck up.

 

What's more important to you. Your children, or the sh*t that fathered them? Because you've lost him. Do you want to lose them as well? Crazy sh*t like threatening to kill yourself will lose you custody of your babies..

 

 

God woman, you should be threatening HIM with the knife. That would scare him more.......

 

What you need to do now

 

Pack up the kids and get them somewhere safe. You should get them tested for STD's as well.

 

Take everything he owns, clothes, amps, instruments, CD's, books-every material possesion he cared about

 

Put it on your front lawn

 

And BURN IT. By this time, (hopefully you're a renter) you'll have switched all your utilities to your new place. Because you have your little freak out episode documented, he could use it against you in any upcoming custody battles-it's better to just dissapear then dick around with child support at this point in time.

 

And I mean dissapear. He gets no contact with you or the kids until things have calmed down.

[sillyshan]

Well HELLO! He make you freeze in a van doesn't help you out and now is cheating. Why would you want him? Your going to grad school. Soon you will make alot of $$$. Get out now. When your done with school you will be amazed at the change in your life. I don't agree with the other poster. Do not take a semester off. Worse thing you could do. As for that ugly knife incident you can get out of that. Any good lawyer will see to it. Get rid of him. Find some good anti depressants and find a good shrink you'll feel better. Good luck but don't dick around do it NOW!