Understandable Resentment?

[blueberry13]

Why can't I get past this? Married to husband 17 years with 2 preteens. Great life and family other than husband has a short temper that I've put up with. Saw 6 months ago he texted a 22 year old he met on a guys trip (told her he me her a year prior on the same trip and couldn't help but look up to see if he still had her number. She said she had his saved in her phone too. He also told her how they had so much in common it's crazy.) He claims he was giving her career advice when they met and a year later he wanted to follow up. And 3 months ago I found out (he says 6 times) in our marriage he has lied to me about where he was and went to nude strip clubs and went in the back rooms. There was aggressive touching and after I questioned him for 3 days, he admitted to touching the strippers breasts but wouldn't admit at first.

 

I know for many this deceit may not be a big deal but my husband who likes to hang with a rowdy crowd sometimes, I am no longer feeling trusting. He feels he has done nothing any other guy doesn't do. My feelings are constantly wondering what else in the course of my marriage, I may not know about. He travels for business sometimes with known cheaters.

 

Just feel confused. When you have kids it's so much more complicated. hmmm I greatly appreciate lots of advice. Thank you.

[twixed]

Blueberry13,

 

This situation really doesn't look good, at all.

 

How far are you willing to let him go? Do the lies make you feel like this is a healthy relationship? Is it cheating to you if he has a woman rub on his lap with her butt and lets him touch her breasts at the same time?

 

What do you think he will do with this 22 year old when he meets her? :(The career advice sounds like a shallow contrivance. How does he treat other women in their 20s that you know about?

 

My advice is don't tolerate him visiting this girl nor the strip shows. Your children deserve better.

[blueberry13]

Yes, to me it is cheating. It feels just as bad when you know they've lied on numerous occasions.

 

We have been working on our relationship but my feelings of trust can never be the same...

 

Especially when for my husband's job, he considers it necessary entertaining, and they are out in loungy clubs on occasion until 3 am.....I don't feel this is appropriate in marriage but I'm not there to see whether or not the guys are acting appropriate. If anything, it's disrespectful and he's out for attention.

 

Clubs and bars until 2/3 am without spouse....how often if ever is this OK? I'm pretty sure people feel differently about this... My husband has said once a month he feels it's OK.... Why do I feel there is a difference b/w getting home after drinking by 11 versus 3?

 

In his early 40's I feel my husband enjoys a partying lifestyle more than ever and I have to feel like I'm holding him back. This lessons my feelings for him bc he does not understand my feelings. ??

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes, to me it is cheating. It feels just as bad when you know they've lied on numerous occasions.

 

We have been working on our relationship but my feelings of trust can never be the same...

 

Especially when for my husband's job, he considers it necessary entertaining, and they are out in loungy clubs on occasion until 3 am.....I don't feel this is appropriate in marriage but I'm not there to see whether or not the guys are acting appropriate. If anything, it's disrespectful and he's out for attention.

 

Clubs and bars until 2/3 am without spouse....how often if ever is this OK? I'm pretty sure people feel differently about this... My husband has said once a month he feels it's OK.... Why do I feel there is a difference b/w getting home after drinking by 11 versus 3?

 

In his early 40's I feel my husband enjoys a partying lifestyle more than ever and I have to feel like I'm holding him back. This lessons my feelings for him bc he does not understand my feelings. ??

 

I agree this is serious. I don't know what kind of business your husband is in, but I travel a lot for work, and while we do dinners, and drinks, we are not out all night cause we have to WORK.

 

I also think the contacting the girl is sketchy.

 

The lying is the deal breaker for me...how do you trust anything since he lies? Are you guys in marriage counseling?

[blueberry13]

Yes, we've been going to therapy.

 

ANd yes, I understand the dinner and drinks. When on business, his dinners will start at 6 pm and then he may still be out until 3:30/4. When he was away out of the country he said he was out that late bc of jetlag......investment bankers.

 

Want to keep family intact, but I don't want to be one of those women sticking around for the lifestyle. I want respect. PS He just told me he wants to get a Ferrari, but don't worry it won't be a red one....exact words. I'm laughing while typing this...doesn't feel like a safe situation to me. And I don't feel we have that kind of wealth for such a purchase...it's the people he's hanging with that do. All part of a pattern I think. Thank you for your input.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes, we've been going to therapy.

 

ANd yes, I understand the dinner and drinks. When on business, his dinners will start at 6 pm and then he may still be out until 3:30/4. When he was away out of the country he said he was out that late bc of jetlag......investment bankers.

 

Want to keep family intact, but I don't want to be one of those women sticking around for the lifestyle. I want respect. PS He just told me he wants to get a Ferrari, but don't worry it won't be a red one....exact words. I'm laughing while typing this...doesn't feel like a safe situation to me. And I don't feel we have that kind of wealth for such a purchase...it's the people he's hanging with that do. All part of a pattern I think. Thank you for your input.

 

Keep posting. I think you got some serious issues with him wanting to be single. I think you should let him.

[blueberry13]

My husband says this is a minor hiccup in our marriage.

Who else out there would find it hard to trust someone after (finding an inappropriate text to a much younger girl on his guys trip as well as finding out he lied once a year for 6/7 years about where he was when he was at strip clubs in back rooms which involved touching women's breasts)

I'm supposed to go about everyday like nothing changed but my feelings have changed. Should I be happy that nothing worse than that has happened? (which I have no way of knowing) How can I feel at ease whenever he goes on business trips after these lies?

 

He actually said to me after coming out with this, that he should of lied to me like all the other guys do to their wives.

 

Yes we went to counseling and after the first few appts I'm not supposed to bring any of this up. Move forward or move on is what I have been directed to do.... But my mind just can't seem to forget. I'm going through the motions of a happy household when my mind is elsewhere.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

My husband says this is a minor hiccup in our marriage.

Who else out there would find it hard to trust someone after (finding an inappropriate text to a much younger girl on his guys trip as well as finding out he lied once a year for 6/7 years about where he was when he was at strip clubs in back rooms which involved touching women's breasts)

I'm supposed to go about everyday like nothing changed but my feelings have changed. Should I be happy that nothing worse than that has happened? (which I have no way of knowing) How can I feel at ease whenever he goes on business trips after these lies?

 

He actually said to me after coming out with this, that he should of lied to me like all the other guys do to their wives.

 

Yes we went to counseling and after the first few appts I'm not supposed to bring any of this up. Move forward or move on is what I have been directed to do.... But my mind just can't seem to forget. I'm going through the motions of a happy household when my mind is elsewhere.

 

Who told you this nonsense? The marriage counselor?

 

I think your gut is screaming you don't have all the facts, you don't have a remorseful spouse. (He should just lie to you? He wants a new single boy car?)

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I have an idea....let me know if you are interested....

[blueberry13]

Thank you again for your support

[blueberry13]

Sure, I am happy to hear it

[emva07]

He got attention from a 22 year old, that was a HUGE ego boost. Now he wants to run around like he were 22 as well. Yes, he is trying to live like a bachelor, show off a new car to be a chick magnet, give out career advice, and don't be fooled these girls WILL sleep with him as a way to get their foot in the door, have a sugar daddy, etc. He might think it's because he's still a spring chicken, no dear, these girls are looking for financial value.

 

Unfortunantly, this type of crap is very common. Some women stay for their family, some don't.

It's a tough age old question many women have been through.

Just makes me so mad and sad that we women have to suffer through the insecurities of aging, having children, etc etc while they're still out there f****ing around.

I understand biologically men want younger women blah blah blah, but it doesn't hurt any less for the older women who get cheated on!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So, since your husband, seems to be a relatively OK husband and father, but needs some training I the relationship area....I believe some people (ok, mostly men) learn better from demonstrations and not words.

 

This in fact is how I have to deal with my husband. This is not "games" to me...it's a communication style (ahem) to get through the reluctance to talk.

 

So if I were you...I would begin to do the following.

 

When he is home, and when he is away on business, you need to periodically spend the evening out until 2,3,4. Do whatever you want, that's not the issue. Go out with friends, go to bars, strip clubs, movies, whatever, go to a spa, visit a friend, get a hotel room. You do not need to give him information about what you are doing other than going out with friends. Or going out alone. Same type of info you get. General...minimum...no apologies.

 

If he wants a Ferrari, then fine, but you have to get two. He gets one, so do you.

 

No need to harp on the texting, strip clubs, midlife crisis cars....just stop. Work out, get a new haircut, pick up some hobbies. Make some new single friends.

 

So he wants to be single...that means you are also single.

 

Good for goose...good for gander.

 

IF/WHEN he raises concerns your answer should be...I though this is what you wanted. Parallel single lives while married?

 

Frankly Stop assuming he is being good. Assume he is not. He TOLD you he wasn't going to be.

 

This approach does two things. Shows him how insecure it makes you feel because he's the one that was home alone until 2 and you walk in, slide into bed and say you had a great time dancing with your friends...roll over and go to sleep.

 

It also helps build your confidence because you are not pining away and feeling like you are the only one.

 

Fire your marriage counselor, get an IC. Why work on the marriage if the working is just for you to suck it up?

 

I bet he changes his tune...if not, you LOOK amazing, have some new friends and feel confident.

[emva07]

yeah! who says you can't you can't get out, get some male attention and enjoy yourself too??? Piece of crap man just wants to have all the fun and have you waiting for him when nobody wants his crusty old ass anymore. That's why he needs the Ferari, because that will help prolong it a little more.

[emva07]

I'm sorry, I am just super mad at this. It makes me sad, is this what I have to look forward to in marriage??? I'm only 25 but see this happen all the time. If growing older means I will be cheated on for younger women then I don't want it. My 32 yr old ex was trying to get with my 16 year old sister for God's sake. I AM already too old at 25!!!!! Why are women so easily dispensable???

[blueberry13]

Please enjoy being 25, you are so young and I believe you can be wiser and just make the right choice! WHen I was young I was not as wise and too concerned with looks, I picked a really good looking guy, who is a great father and good husband at times, but that Player mentality I should have spotted was there from the start.

 

Find someone who is easy to communicate with, not an angry person and fun loving. Find someone who respects you. They must be kind. ANd secure....It's my husbands insecurities regarding aging that I feel are causing me these problems.

 

Best to you, go enjoy life!

[emva07]

Thank you!

 

My friend always says "whatever it is that got a man to fall for you is what you will always have to do to keep his attention"

 

Since the beginning I felt that my bf was behind my youth (i'm 7 yrs his minor), physical appearance, and the sex but I always wanted to think it was more. Yes, I do think he loved me, but when your appeal in women is strictly physical and sexual, it is super easy to stray when you see another good looking person, another potential for sex. At 25 I was already feeling he was "bored" with me and is attracted to younger women (tho he tries to get with women of all ages, i know young is his preference)....I just started thinking "what will happen when I do get older? if I can't lose my baby weight when we have kids?" I just always had a feeling that if I stopped looking nice, he'd leave, if I said no to sex ONE night, he'd leave, if I gained weight, he'd leave. All around a physical relationship. Throw in the mix that he is insecure of aging himself (like your husband) it just makes for a bad mix. I needed to get out now before it hurt me more later. I just felt that the older he got, the more obsessed he'd become with getting younger girls.

[blueberry13]

I understand what you are saying. Look for someone much less shallow.

I am 40 and still look great, better than most 25 year olds yet understand the fear you feel. I too wonder if I'm better off leaving while still very beautiful rather than give more years and my husband continues with the same pattern of behavior. what to do? with children it's way more complicated. I'm doing more work to make it work..

[crederer]

Well...I don't really believe in divorce unless there is abuse. I mean that is the entire point of marriage. Staying together no matter what.

 

Now that being said, yes his behaviour is inappropriate. You have to try and get a handle on the marriage. How to do that? I don't really know. Holding out on sex, as a lot of women do, is not the way. That will just push him to look for it elsewhere.

 

The only thing I can think of is letting him know that you want this marriage to work, and the behaviour will have consequences. I would also suggest complete transparency (i.e access to eachothers phones, computers, etc) in order for him to gain your trust back.

 

I know privacy is important to a degree, but you guys are married and there really shouldn't be any secrets between you. Plus he behaved in an untrustworthy manner which, imo, means a loss of privelages(i.e privacy).

 

If he gets all defensive about that, it's most likely he is hiding something. He may come up with some crafty reasoning behind it that may sound legit, but it's just him finding clever ways to keep you from discovering things.

[crederer]

I'm sorry, I am just super mad at this. It makes me sad, is this what I have to look forward to in marriage??? I'm only 25 but see this happen all the time. If growing older means I will be cheated on for younger women then I don't want it. My 32 yr old ex was trying to get with my 16 year old sister for God's sake. I AM already too old at 25!!!!! Why are women so easily dispensable???

 

They're not. You are simply attracted to the wrong type of male. You are attracted to men who go get what they want, and do it relentlessly. That is a characteristic that you are attracted to, but it works to your detriment.

 

Expand what it is you want in a partner. There are so many guys that will treat a woman properly.

 

When my grandfather was on his death bed, he couldn't speak or move for weeks. Right before he died, he managed to reach out and grab grandmas hand (first time he moved in weeks). He held her for a few hours and just stared at her, then he passed. You could tell he didn't care who was there as long as she was. He held her for a few hours and just stared at her, then he passed. He didn't go around chasing younger women and trading her in for a younger "model". There are many men like this out there.

[emva07]

They're not. You are simply attracted to the wrong type of male. You are attracted to men who go get what they want, and do it relentlessly. That is a characteristic that you are attracted to, but it works to your detriment.

 

Expand what it is you want in a partner. There are so many guys that will treat a woman properly.

 

When my grandfather was on his death bed, he couldn't speak or move for weeks. Right before he died, he managed to reach out and grab grandmas hand (first time he moved in weeks). He held her for a few hours and just stared at her, then he passed. You could tell he didn't care who was there as long as she was. He held her for a few hours and just stared at her, then he passed. He didn't go around chasing younger women and trading her in for a younger "model". There are many men like this out there.

 

Well i've only been with one, lol. But yes, that ONE was BAD NEWS. Learned what to NOT look for in a guy. If he's attracted to me based on looks alone, I'm not interested. Gotta connect on a personal level to know you have a good thing, like your grandparents.

[blueberry13]

As I'm busy trying to trust and we have been working on relationship in therapist etc. I have recently expressed my views on being out until 3/4 am in clubs even on business (I don't see the appropriateness of it)

 

We were headed out to a nice dinner with the kids and other friends and he said to me 'Oh by the way I'm going out to (x bar) wed night with (Mark)."

 

I am headed out of town with the kids wed., he could of come along with us then but made his plane ticket for a day later. But this guy he just told me he is going out with the night we leave is the same guy he told me last year (that while on a long car ride for business, this guy was telling him all his favorite travel destinations bc they have the best prostitutes there. This guy is married with kids and in a very high position job wise. That car ride was the only time my husband had met him and hung out with him.

 

So, as I've been trying to feel more trusting and at peace, the very first night I am leaving he has to choose this particular guy to make plans with. Why were my inner alarm bells going off? I simply said to my husband, "We are trying to work on our relationship now and build back trust, you really have to hang out with him?" To which he replied "Would you like me to hang out with priests? You're silly. Maybe I shouldn't hang out with your dad" He said that bc my parents are divorced as my dad had left my mom for someone else, that being 15 years ago.

 

I definitely hang out with friends that are supporters of their marriages as well as mine. What should I think? Why don't I trust my own feelings and end up on this website? He is always gravitating towards people in the fast lane.

 

I also recently found a facebook exchange with a guy talking about going to Mardi Gra. My husband mentioned partying for a week and the other guy said yeah, we'll have a cockpit full of beads. (I know what that implies) My husband said that would be killer, they should dock up next to each other. (I'm sure I wasn't invited) This was a post from 4 years ago but am I seeing a side to him that he doesn't present to me or is this just guy talk?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

If your husband did not show all the other signs that other talk could just be guy talk.

 

But it sure doesn't sound like your husband is invested in the marriage.

 

When you talk about working on the marriage, what exactly does that include for him?

 

It doesn't appear to include reducing the going out, or to consider your feelings so I am not sure I follow what working on it really means.

[stillafool]

I understand what you are saying. Look for someone much less shallow.

I am 40 and still look great, better than most 25 year olds yet understand the fear you feel. I too wonder if I'm better off leaving while still very beautiful rather than give more years and my husband continues with the same pattern of behavior. what to do? with children it's way more complicated. I'm doing more work to make it work..

 

I understand but you also don't want your daughters to think this is the behavior they should accept from their husbands or make your sons think it is okay to treat their wives this way.