TaraS Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Greetings. I am about a month into my divorce -- we've filed the paperwork, moved out, all that. There was no cheating, no abuse, no lies, no drugs, none of that -- we're just heading in radically different directions, especially with regard to kids (when we first married, we both wanted them; now, he doesn't, and this isn't exactly something on which people can compromise), but there are other factors too. Intellectually, we both know we're doing the right thing. It's hard, but we're coping. What I'd like to know is how many of you have managed to stay friends with your ex? I don't mean remaining cordial for the sake of the kids or the sake of decency -- I mean, being actual friends. Maybe not hanging out constantly, or turning to one another for advice with future love interests...but being able to chat about things unrelated to the divorce, able to get together for coffee or to watch a video or something, occasionally. My STBX and I very much want to preserve our friendship -- we were together for 11 years, married 6, and although the marriage part stopped working a few years ago (we spent the interim in denial, going back and forth, coasting for awhile, getting counseling, then going back to denial again), the friendship never waned. We're actually getting along better now than we have in years. We share pets together -- I have "custody," but he can visit, and we both want the visits to be better than "get the key from the neighbor and make sure you lock up when you leave." So, any advice on doing this and still being able to move on? (I should note -- neither of us is particularly hard-wired for sexual jealousy, and neither of us begrudges the other their future relationships, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem when we both start dating.) Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Serenity35 Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 It sounds to me like your both on the same page and value the friendship you both share. On the other hand in the future, if and when one of you enters into a relationship, your friendship may become a problem to the relationship. Personally I think a divorce with children leads to more fighting, it's unfortunate but it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraS Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 I thought about that a bit, Serenity...I'm not sure I could ever end up in a relationship with someone who had a problem with my contact with the ex. (Again -- we're not talking about constantly hanging out, and we're surely not talking about anything sexual.) Maybe that would limit my choices in the future...I don't know. It is something I'd make sure anyone I dated knew up front. It's likely that he'll move out of state within a year, which means that the friendship would become more of an e-mail/phone thing. I couldn't deal with someone who was jealous of my friendships with members of the opposite sex in general, I know that much. Most of my good friends are male anyway. Originally posted by Serenity35 It sounds to me like your both on the same page and value the friendship you both share. On the other hand in the future, if and when one of you enters into a relationship, your friendship may become a problem to the relationship. Personally I think a divorce with children leads to more fighting, it's unfortunate but it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 My soon to be exhusband and I are still friends and are SO much better friends that we were husband and wife. My thoughts on this are: Chances are you were friends before you fell in love, therefore, why not be friends if you are no longer in love? You don't want to lose this man out of your life forever do you? I know I don't. My husband and I do have one child, but I am positve we'd be friends even if we didn't have her. We talk about EVERYTHING and even hang out together often. He gets our daughter every other weekend and if I take her there, I stay a while and hang out and if he picks her up, he does the same. We talk on the phone a lot, and not just about her. We talk about our lives, whether it be what happened at work to what is going on in our dating lives. We love one another as friends, not as husband and wife. It is possible. I am living proof. Link to post Share on other sites
hazy1997 Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 yup i also agree, i am great friends with my ex, and i am in a new relationship, have been for almost 2 yrs, my new guy didnt like it at first, he hated my ex, but hey i told him ya know i was with him 12 yrs, we have a daughter for this to work we ALL have to get along, you dont have to be buddies with him, just friendly when talking to him, for my daughters sake. she needs stability and thats what shes getting, we now moved 3 hours away from her father and i am missing the closness we have always had, but we talk on the phone all the time and its ok.. i just feel stressed for my daughter shes a real daddies girl, and he loves her to death!!! thats my only problem lol... Link to post Share on other sites
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