To the OWs/OMs...did you maintain contact after an NC was requested?

[VivianLee]

Owl....

 

I know that the thing to do is to find out the cause of affairs, we live in a society that has the need to have cause and effect as an answer to why things happen.

 

I think the revolution of finding out what causes affairs has actually become a "crutch" for those that have had the affair and a desperate need for an answer for those that have been cheated on.

 

But think about it, if everyone turned to an affair when something in their marriage is lacking, then we'd all cheat and everyone could count on their spouse or themselves cheating in their marriage at some time.

 

I think we have too high of expectations of our spouses and our marriage. I'm not saying it can't be wonderful and exciting BUT there has to be times when it's not wonderful and exciting no matter how well we follow the "books" or the counselor!

 

I think the problem isn't so much marriages as it is individuals, daily we are bombarded through the media and other venues with images of people that can't control themselves. People are told to "go for it", do whatever and then are expected to maintain some sort of self-control before things get out of hand. Does that make any sense??

 

I do think it's the respondsibility of the spouse that is unhappy to tell their spouse why and what they need. Then the spouse should listen and do what they can to improve things. If things don't improve, that still doesn't give someone a license to go and wreck their marriage and someone elses'.

 

I know as a man, you are very logical, you need a reason for this so you can solve it. She thought she loved this guy (I do mean THOUGHT) and was carried away for a while by him, if you take out the factor of her being married then it's like any romance (that can or doesn't go anywhere), there doesn't have to be a reason that we have an initial attraction. Remember when you both feel in love? Do you sit back and analyze what was better about you than the other guys she could have married or why y'all got along so well? I'm sure there were reasons but matters of the heart can't always be nailed down to reason.

 

So I agree with Joyce, it isn't your "fault" do whatever you think your wife felt you weren't doing BUT don't do it to keep her from having an affair. SHE is the one that needs to soul search and find out what kept her from having control and do what she can to change that...

 

She also needs to do whatever you need or ask (be sure to tell her) to help you get through this, that is the LEAST she could do.

 

Get over? She thinks it's time to let it go in the past?? How does she know what the statue of limitations is in this situation? Have you put her in that position? NO! I mean you can't bring it up as fuel in an argument or to hurt her BUT if you still need reassurance and to talk, then she needs to be patient and help you deal as long as it takes. Demand that of her and don't let her tell you that it should be other wise.

 

I'm sorry for your pain today. It seems that when we've been hurt, there are more anniversaries of sadness than good. Try to look at how you feel now compared to 6 months ago. Look at what progress has been made. Try to find every tiny positive thing about yourself, your wife and your marriage.

 

Try to turn this into a day that you survived 6 months without losing your mind, your marriage and your happiness. I bet you have more good days than bad, that your heart aches just a little less??

 

Take care!

[Owl]

Thanks for the advice and support Viv. I've actually had a far better day than I thought I would. I spent part of the time this morning looking at how different today was from the way our marriage was six months ago. Lots of good changes, and we are more in love now than we were then, that's for sure.

 

I don't "blame" myself for what happened. I do feel that there are things that I could have done to have avoided or to minimized what happened. But, hindsight is 20-20. I don't beat myself up for anything now, nor do I let my wife do that to herself either. I do plan on avoiding anything that would let us wind up in this same spot again however.

 

I hope that maybe this post might also help all the "OWs" out there realize that not all married men are pigs. We don't all want to cheat on our wives, or feel that there's nothing in our marriage worth fighting for. Trust me, I've been tempted as much as any guy, but I'm not interested in doing anything to destroy what has been precious to me for 17 years...my marriage to the most awesome lady in the world (sorry to those who thought they held that title...but it goes to my "cutiemaus").